Nov 3 2009Say Your Prayers, Berenstain Bears: You're a Movie Now

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Hollywood anthropologists have stumbled upon a new relic from your youth to CGI into real-world scenarios! USA Today reports Shawn Levy, the man responsible for making museum displays attack/befriend Ben Stiller, is producing a live-action/CGI adaptation of your favorite pompadoured, ursine children's book characters, The Berenstain Bears:

Writers have yet to be hired, but Levy says he wants the film to be an original story incorporating details from some of the more popular Berenstain books.

"I'd like the film to be un-ironic about its family connections but have a wry comedic sensibility that isn't oblivious to the fact that they're bears," Levy says. "The comedy comes from this bear family coexisting in a more recognizably real world."

Levy compared his vision of the film to the tone of Will Ferrell's Elf, which had a sweet, earnest hero who clashed with his cynical surroundings. "I think the movie will be witty but never sarcastic," he says.

Elf worked because Will Ferrell appeared normal to members of the real world, making his eccentric behavior bewildering to normal people attempting to interact with him and amusing if not tiresome to those of us in on his origins. How is this going to work like Elf? The Berenstain Bears are fucking bears. Papa Bear walks out of the house, someone is eventually going to say, "Holy shit, that's a bipedal bear with a hairdo dressed like Bob Vila! Call the police!" Is this film going to take place in some bizarre otherverse wherein human-like bears are acceptable but naïve bears that strictly obey a '50s family structure and ethics code with strict gender roles are weird? This picture book concept has suddenly become really confusing.

Reader Comments

Oh dear lord.

Maybe if we're lucky they'll have some bully kids that tease the child-bear-cublets at school or on the playground because they're bears and thus different from everyone else, in a thinly-veiled example of prejudice and then creating a lesson where their unique bear-abilities save said bully's dog, from oh, say, a bear attack.

NO WAIT THAT WOULD BE AWFUL.

gives a shit

There are no words. Only pain.

Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for them (hollywood) to get to this one. I would've figured they would've been up to part 4 by now.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

WOW.

Lets play a game of movies you think they will make based on animated shows from your childhood.

I'll start:
POKEMON
Dragon Ball Z
Sonic the hedgehog

Passes on to next poster.

Must hollywood ruin EVERYTHING I love?

Another reason to keep my kid off the internet. This would destroy her.

Fuck those bears. They used to scare the sweet jesus out of me.

I love them http://www.campheatwole.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/the-berenstain-bears-get-kicked-in-the-dick.jpg

Is it just me, or is that image a little creepy in a "say your prayers, 'cause Jesus can't help you now, boy" (ziiiiiip) sort of way?

#8, actually they already made a (bad) Dragon Ball Z movie recently (but lacking the 'Z' ... ah well, anyways:

The Jetsons - it'll end up being another hour and a half preachy lesson about protecting the environment, or not to depend on machines. Have almost nothing to do with the original show except it being set in the future, and that we'll see George (Will Farrell) fall over about a thousand times.

Gilligan's Island - They'll make it some dark action movie, with an epic shipwreck, and raunchy humor... Mostly made to be a cash in on the success of 'lost'

Magic School Bus - cool CGI bus, wacky teacher, CGI Lizard, 'hip' kids for the target audience to relate to (at least one of them will also be CGI) its amazing Hollywood hasn't already butchered this...

Arthur - Ok, i will probably have to kill myself if this ever happens... i don't even want to think about it....

Sesame street/ Muppets - Who need puppets? Wouldn't you want to see a giant CGI Cookie Monster (in 3-D of course!) reaching out of the screen and searching your kids for loose Cookies? Hollywood Would!

What other childhood memories would you like to see Hollywood ruin for you? The Flintstones? Inspector Gadget? Scooby -Doo? NOPE! They've already done that... enjoy!

I agree with #16.

And I too am very surprised they have yet to make a magic school bus film. I thought that would have been done by now.
The plot:
Scientist build a super gadgetry school bus that along with the a scientist, Whatever the teacher is named (Miss Fritz?) and a genetically altered chameleon,flees it's creators and ends up at a local high school.

She teaches science and decides that she could use the bus to help her. She ends up taking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many field trips with the students. The scientist eventually find out were they're hiding and threaten to use the bus for whatever nefarious purposes. The kids save the bus but somehow the tables are turned and in the end the bus looses it's powers by sacrificing it's intelligence to save the kids.
It becomes a permanent member of the school bus arsenal and the kids miss it but they still got (Miss Fritz?) and they don't mind that much.

Closing sequence we see the school bus blink or do something scientific-ish, and we learn it still has magic powers.

The moral;like transformers, you have to be nice to your cars!

@16, That steaming pile of crap was not Dragon Ball and had nothing to do with A. Toriyama's work Seriously what were they smoking during the developmental process of "Dragon Ball evolution"?

Lets just call the the film CRAPZ...without the Z.

They did that "wholesome characters in the real world" thing with the Brady Bunch movie, didn't they? And the only thing I remember about that movie is how terrible it was.

Why can't there just be a wholesome story about a family of bears without diluting it with the so-called real word. This is the era of Nietzsche and losers, not mutually exclusive.

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