Nov 5 2009The Weekend's New Moving Picture Releases
Don't just sit at home playing your CD-ROMs; enjoy a film this weekend. Here are some options:
A Christmas Carol
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Bob Hoskins, the leads from The Princess Bride
Good if you want to see: disgusting near-humans acting out the well worn tale of Scrooge yet again
The Men Who Stare at Goats
Director: Grant Heslov
Starring: Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey
Good if you want to see: Coen Brothers-esque comedy from non-Coens; George Clooney killing goats with his BRAIN
The Fourth Kind
Director: Olatunde Osunsanmi
Starring: Milla Jovovich
Good if you want to see: aliens! Or something like that.
The Box
Director: Richard Kelly
Starring: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella
Good if you want to see: a Twilight Zone episode stretched out an extra hour; whether or not they're going to push that box button for a million dollars (they're totally going to push that box button for a million dollars)
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (limited)
Director: Lee Daniels
Starring: Gabby Sidibe, Mo'Nique, Mariah Carey
Good if you want to see: the depressing story of an obese, illiterate teen twice impregnated by her father and abused by her mother; future Academy Award recipients; whatever Oprah and Tyler Perry want you to see, as usual
Nov 5 2009Roland Emmerich Working on 2012: The Television Series
Titled 2013, naturally:
“The plan is that it is 2013 and it’s about what happens after the disaster,” Emmerich told EW while walking the red carpet for the 2012 premiere Tuesday. “It is about the resettling of Earth. That is very, very fascinating. (2012 writer/producer) Harald Kloser and I came up with the idea and we have the luxury of having a producer on the film who is a big TV producer, Mark Gordon. We said to Mark, ‘Why don’t you do a TV show that picks up where the movie leaves off and call it 2013?’ I think it will focus on a group of people who survived but not on the boats … maybe they were on a piece of land that was spared or one that became an island in the process of the crust moving. There are so many possibilities of what they could do and I’d be excited to watch it.”
There are so many possibilities for what they could do in post-disaster-ravaged Earth! The characters could search through rubble; give the millions of mutilated bodies proper burials; futilely forage for nourishment in the scorched, barren landscape; turn to cannibalism, eating former friends and family out of desperation; eventually starve to death; build a hut--the options are limitless! Well, I suppose limited by Earth's delicate ecosystem being utterly destroyed, but otherwise limitless.
Nov 5 2009Risk: The Film of World Domination
Realizing there were still board games not yet arbitrarily being made into feature films, Sony announced yesterday they had purchased the movie rights to Risk. Because moving representative armies around a board and getting angry with your backstabbing friends for several hours is a good movie plot:
Sony Pictures announced today it's acquired the motion picture rights to the board game of world conquest, "Risk", from Hasbro. Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach, presidents of Columbia Pictures, say the film will be produced and developed by Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir and Overbrook Entertainment's James Lassiter. Belgrad pointed to the success of movies from toys Transformers and G.I. Joe (but not to the dismal movie from the board game Clue) to claim audiences have "shown a great desire for films that bring to life everything that has made these franchise properties stand the test of time."
Screenwriters, I suggest you start the story in Australia and move on from there. Unless you're starting with a great plot foundation in North or South America, in which case just go for it there.
Nov 4 2009'Salt' Trailer: Angelina the Spy
Next summer, only one film will combine the action and thrills of a Bourne film with the girlish fun of dying your hair and dressing up in different sexy outfits: Salt! Starring Angelina Jolie as: Salt!
Here's your trailer.
Nov 4 2009'Clash of the Titans' Involves So Much Yelling
Even the disembodied heads and winged horses scream in this thing. The script must be all vowels and exclamation points.
More low-res Clash of the Titans posters here (thanks, Keno).
Nov 4 2009The Next Logical Step After 'Little Lady': Three Men and a Bride
The Guttenberg star is on the rise! Or so he claims.
With a Short Circuit remake in the works sans Steve Guttenberg, the attention-hungry '80s star has come forward alleging (I'm guessing with no basis in truth) Disney is ready to take the next step in the Three Men and a Baby/Three Men and a Little Lady progression with: Three Men with a Fully Grown Woman Now Getting Married!
Breaking the news to WENN, an excited Guttenberg says, "Disney's developing Three Men and a Bride. That's going to be a smash. A smash hit. They're bringing everybody back for that.“Nobody knows about it. I'm the first to talk about it.”
And that's not all! Guttenberg's Guttenbrain thinks the time is ripe to develop sequels for every other film anyone remembers he was in, too!
He adds, "It's definitely time for another Police Academy. And I think they could make another Cocoon."They're surefire hits and I think they're good for the world. They make the world a better place and that's what it's all about."
Yeah, an eighth Police Academy movie really would be good for the world, Gute. They make the world a better place! I'm not sure why we even bother with charity organizations with the Police Academy franchise sitting on the shelf with so much world goodening power inside it. Mission to Moscow's existence basically makes the Red Cross look like a terrorist group. And a new Cocoon? That could give futile, science-fiction-based hope of neverending life to an entirely new generation of retirees! And probably also feed the world's hungry somehow.
You've got to get these things made, Guttenberg. If only we could get the rest of the world on the same desperate, super delusional page you are.
(Thanks to our greatest Guttenfan, Anne.)
Nov 4 2009This Nicolas Cage Movie Sounds Insane
Remember Drive Angry, the already-crazy-sounding upcoming film in which Nicolas Cage drives around trying to kill some other driving dudes who kidnapped his infant granddaughter? Well, if you didn't know, that's a movie coming out, and it sounds crazy, right? Par for the Cage course, but pretty crazy. Turns out it's even crazier! ShockTillYouDrop got their hands on a full synopsis, and you need to read it:
Drive Angry stars Nicolas Cage as Milton, a hardened felon who has broken out for one last chance at redemption. Hell bent on stopping a vicious cult of fanatics who murdered his daughter, he has three days to stop them before they sacrifice his infant granddaughter beneath a full moon. Milton must us his anger to go beyond all human limits in order to save his last connection with humanity.He's joined by Piper, a young sexy-smart waitress who liberates her ex-boyfriend's cherry red muscle car in order to help Milton. Now, the two of them are hot on the trail of the charismatic Jonah King and his murderous followers. King will throw every one of them faithful under the wheels of Milton's turbo-charged Black '71 Challenger, to fulfill hist destiny and unleash hell on earth.
But the bloodthirsty cult is the least of Milton's problems. The police are after him, too. And worse. An enigmatic killer known only as "The Accountant." The Accountant knows what Milton is trying to and and simply doesn't care. With wicked cunning and hypnotic savagery, the Accountant will relentlessly pursue Milton at high speed across the forgotten back roads of the American south.
Fueled by high octane and pure rage, Milton and Piper must battle the onslaught of King's disciples, avenge his murdered daughter, and save his granddaughter before his last chance at redemption is revoked.
Congratulations. You may pick up your Best Original Screenplay Oscar from either Steve Martin or Alec Baldwin.
Nov 4 2009'Machete' Shuffles One Step Closer to Reality
With Robert Rodriguez every week claiming he's working on a new project (where are Sin City 2, Barbarella, and The Jetsons, Rob?) it's hard to take any film he says he'll do too seriously until there's hard evidence. Well, here's a little. Machete takes one dainty step towards actualization this week with the first character poster premiering at the American Film Market. I'll remain skeptical of its existence until I end up accidentally seeing it on a plane (even if I see it in a theater, only that later plane viewing will convince me of its existence). After all, the film will reportedly also star Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, and Steven Seagal, which sounds like such an incredibly unlikely, fake cast that it basically negates the reality any posters of Jessica Alba in Linda-Hamilton-in-Terminator mode.
