Nov 17 2008 'XXX 3' Using Writers to Attempt a Story

Michael Ferris and John Brancato, the minds that brought us The Net, Catwoman, Terminator 3, and one episode of Married with Children, are in talks to write the script for XXX: The Return of Xander Cage. From Variety:

The writing team, whose credits include "Terminator 3" and the upcoming Jonathan Mostow-directed "Surrogates," began talks after pitching their take last Friday for a new installment in the action series to Columbia Pictures presidents Matt Tolmach and Doug Belgrad.

Producer Joe Roth got Diesel and Cohen to agree to a reteam earlier this year (Daily Variety, Sept. 15). Col moved quickly to lock up the property, getting first look because of its past relationship with "XXX" generator Revolution Studios. Diesel and Cohen teamed on the 2002 original, which starred Diesel as an extreme sports enthusiast drafted by the government for a dangerous mission.

Ferris and Brancato are clearly terrible writers. Catwoman was one of the worst things ever made, and we can only rest part of that blame on Halle Berry's meowing. But, you know, for a XXX movie, they're probably good enough. I'm fine with this. It's like when you get a Stouffer's French bread pizza, and the side of the box tells you you'll get better results if you put it in the oven, but that's going to take like 45 minutes plus pre-heating, and you didn't buy a Stouffer's French bread pizza to wait an hour to eat. You got it because you're extremely lazy, it's 2 in the morning, and that's what was at the deli as you stumbled your way home. You're going to microwave that thing, eat it, and wonder why the next morning. XXX is the French bread pizza, Ferris and Brancato is the microwave, and the deli is TBS. Combine the elements, and you're assured to get a "good enough" every time (so long as it's 2 a.m. and you're drunk). Think about it. I'm almost sure that made sense.

Sep 17 2008 Maybe 'xXx 3' Will Be About Extreme Skin Grafting

When xXx: Hey, Xander Cage, which was the name of the main character, is back! was announced last week, several commenters were quick to point out that in xXx 2: Ice Cube, it's revealed that Vin Diesel was killed on a mission. But did you guys realize that on the director's cut of the DVD, there's a horrible short film where you can see the actual death of Xander (as portrayed by a suspiciously silent body double only shown from behind)? You probably didn't, because no one buys the xXx director's cut, but if you had, you'd have seen Xander enters a building, and then the building explodes! And if you're thinking he could have made it out, you're way off. How do I know? Because the section of neck flesh that bears the xXx tattoo is blown clear of the debris and held up to the camera! Insanity:

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Sep 15 2008 Vin Diesel Stripping Ice Cube of 'xXx' Mantle

Vin Diesel, you recidivist, you. Since returning to the Fast/Furious series, the smooth-headed actor has now agreed to say "Hey, it's me again" to another of his former masterpieces, Three X's: The Movie! From Variety:

Columbia Pictures hasn’t tired of "XXX," particularly if it’s a Diesel-powered vehicle. (Get it?)

The studio is in discussions with producer Joe Roth for a new version of "XXX," one that would bring back Vin Diesel as star and Rob Cohen as director.

The duo teamed on the 2002 original, which starred Diesel as Xander Cage, an extreme sports enthusiast who gets drafted by the government for a dangerous mission.

The third incarnation has a title, "XXX: The Return of Xander Cage," but no script.

Oh, to be a hypothetical fan of Vin Diesel who was put into cryogenic hibernation in 2002 and just now awoken. If I were to ever wish that damnable fate on myself, it would be today.