Apr 10 2008 The Uwe Boll Conundrum: Day 3
Following Uwe Boll's rant yesterday--in which he thew insults at Michael Bay, Eli Roth, and George Clooney--responses from all parties have already flooded in thanks to the power of internet-speed communication. Here they are.
Michael Bay's response: "I find people who rant like that - calling shit about both me, and George Clooney - comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being. When you ask 'do I care'? Not in the slightest."
Eli Roth's response: "GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER. That is just further proof of what a genius Sasha Baron Cohen is. That’s his best character yet!"
George Clooney's response: An air of unending charisma and self-satisfaction, as always.
Uwe Boll's response to their responses: Rob at RobOnt Radio passed along his interview with the director, in which he basically says he was using those big names as archetypes for the Hollywood Director, and no malice was intended. Also that he propositioned a room of 800 dentists for money?
My response: Drifting towards something akin to this. Let him work; let him live. Otherwise it's one less thing for me to deride.
Apr 9 2008 Uwe Boll Wants Pro-Boll Petition, or Possibly Anti-NFL All-Star Game Petition?
Not content with his claim that he'd stop making movies if one million people sign a petition, Uwe Boll has made a new video amending his challenge: he wants a pro-Boll petition as well! I guess any votes to that cancel out anti-Boll votes?
Also, if you didn't know, he's not "a f***ing retard, like Michael Bay." How aggressively controversial! And just in time for the release of Postal!
Update: Martin has pointed out that such a petition now exists.
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Apr 7 2008 Uwe Boll Claims He'll Quit Movie-Making After 1 Million Complaints
Responsible for such unwanted video game-to-terrible film adaptations as Alone in the Dark, Dungeon Seige, and the BloodRayne ones, Uwe Boll may be one of the worst (probably the worst) big-name directors working today. But that doesn't mean he's not a man of the people--provided those people come in groups of one million or larger. Speaking to FEARnet, the German director/pugilist responded to the ongoing petition to get him to stop making films:
FEARnet: Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?Uwe: Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.
FEARnet: How many would it take?
Uwe: One million. Now we have a new goal.
Since this announcement, the petition has reached nearly 50,000 signatures, still 950,000 short of his challenge. So if you care--and actually believe he'll respond to an internet-based petition--virtually sign it here. The fate of Crystal Castles: The Movie may be in your hands.
FEARnet Interviews Director Uwe Boll [FEARnet]
Feb 15 2008 'Far Cry' Trailer Meets Uwe Boll Standard
I've never played Far Cry the game, so I can't say how faithful Uwe Boll's adaptation is. But I will say that it's terrible. Really, really terrible.
How terrible? Well, I'll assume by the credits stating "music by _______" that this is unfinished (or possibly that no composer was willing to be openly associated with it), so for now I'll ignore the abysmal editing and the bizarre two-second inclusion of The Usual Suspects score. Perhaps this is just an early cut.
But the dialogue. My god, the dialogue. It's so unabashedly awful, it can't even follow the conventions of bad dialogue. Woman says, "You're a sick, egotistical maniac!" The bad dialogue rulebook dictates the madman's smug, calm reply should be something like, "I'm not that sick," or, "You forgot sadistic." But come on, "Let's not go over the top"? That's all you have to say? If you're going to write something this bad, at least make it less boring.
As far as the first line being spoken in a thick lisp, and the seemingly-post-coital erection joke, I have no idea.
Thanks, Greg.
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Feb 11 2008 Uwe Boll's Latest Masterwork: 'Tunnel Rats' Trailer
If you're at all familiar with the Uwe Boll catalog, you know that the director's films are pretty much the equivalent of a conversation with an 8-year-old boy--nonsensical, full of video game references, often inscrutable, and requiring of the abandonment of personal desire to get through. So you may be surprised, watching this trailer to his latest directorial effort, that it seems so... not "good"--definitely not good--but maybe... restrained?
Whereas my usual response to a Boll trailer is screaming at the screen, agonizing over the idea that this man has been given the chance to direct nearly 20 unwatchable films, I instead felt an incredible numbness. So tame; so boring; so few unintentionally hilarious, inexplicable moments. Just some terrible actors dressed like army guys. Could this mean the end of the Uwe Boll we all know and love?
No. It turns out that's not the case. In actuality, the entire trailer was just an extended joke, numbing you with poorly-paced but reasonable footage until the big punchline at the end (look at this dude gettin' stabbed in the f***in' throat, bros!) reassures you that Uwe Boll does still plan to make it as gratuitous as possible in as many ways possible. It's good to know some things won't change.
Continue Reading " Uwe Boll's Latest Masterwork: 'Tunnel Rats' Trailer "
Sep 17 2007 Postal Trailer Maintains Uwe Boll Standard
Internationally renown terrible director Uwe Boll is back to his old tricks with Postal, which he is calling a "comedy." You can tell this will be good because the main selling points of the trailer are that it's offensive and features a lot of Mini-Me Verne Troyer. You'd think all the heavy Bush and Taliban references would guarantee to quickly date this movie, but with timeless comedy like Osama bin Laden quoting Brokeback Mountain, this one's headed straight to the DVD Library of Congress.
Why, Dave Foley? Why?
Aug 15 2007 Uwe Boll Getting More/Less Crazy
Following their negative review of Postal, Wired has posted a series of email exchanges with Uwe Boll that indicate the terrible director of the comedy is either getting crazier or slightly saner. The poorly-written emails include such choice quotes as...
you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is.no go to your mum and f*** her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.
If he cannot see that scenes (for example WELFARE OFFICE, Job Interview) are genius in that movie - then there are 2 possibilities: he is dump and has no idea what movies are or he hates me and is dissappointed about his own shitty career.
Normally this sort of madness would indicate a director is losing his mind, but this is really sort of a step up from Boll's previous attempts at physically fighting film critics in a boxing ring. Sure, maybe he is implying that Wired writer Chris Kohler's mother deserves sex with her son as repayment for a lifetime of meal preparation, but at least there's a logic to the argument. It's not just an idiotic "f*** your mother," it's a well thought out "f*** your mother for these reasons," which I think really shows some maturing going on here. And I really like his expression that someone "is dump."
Thanks to Adam for the tip.
Uwe Boll Responds [Wired]
Jun 7 2007 You're Mine, Boll!
Uwe Boll, one German who's not nearly as cute as Knüt the Polar Bear (who's probably a better director too), has picked up an American distributor for his next three flicks, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal, and Seed .
The coolest thing about Uwe Boll, of course, is that he challenged some of his "harshest critics" to a boxing match last year and beat all five of them. I'm pretty süre I could take him, so even though I haven't seen any of his movies, I'm pretty süre they sück and that he's a big stinky büttlicker who can't read good. You hear that, Boll? You're mine, bitch.
The coolest thing about Knüt the Polar Bear, of course, is that if cüteness were in the olympics, Knüt would win the gold medal, and the entire world would stop what they were doing to go "Awww." And those Südanese f***ers would take a ten minute break from raping each other.
