Jul 23 2007 Pulow to Play Punisher, Punisher Greenlighters Go Unpunished
A listful Stevenson had hoped to one day be famous enough for this to be considered career suicide
The internets are now reporting that Thomas Jane's replacement in Punisher 2 will be Ray Stevenson, better known as Titus Pulow from Rome. I have to admit, this is probably the best casting since Forrest Whitaker as Idi Amin or Morgan Freeman as Mandela. Titus Pulow was the only character on Rome arguably more gangsta than Marc Antony.
Still, Punisher 2? Really? Couldn't we just have a Rome movie instead? They've already made two horrible Punisher movies, they shouldn't get another chance. Even Taco Bell fires you after you make your second or third Puberrito (and no, Mrs. Lindeleaf, I'm not sorry. Now who's 'acting inappropriate'? Bitch.).
Jul 16 2007 "Evan Armighty" to be Shelved
A fine mess you've gotten us into...
Poor Evan Almighty. It cost $210 million to make and still hasn't reached the $100 million dollar mark at the box office. And now comes the news that the film won't even be released in Japan.
Sources behind the decision say that it would've been too costly to re-imagine Noah as an attractive school girl whose panties are stolen by a vengeful octopus.
And now I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with all the Steve Carell hugging pillows I made.
Jul 13 2007 Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Career Circling the Bowl
Dear God, don't turn the camera sideways! ARRGGGGHHHH!
The brains behind Daddy Day Care apparently were so pleased with themselves that they decided to make a sequel, and the trailer's now online.
Oh boy. What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about the holocaust? Hey, remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an oscar? Since then he's been in Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, Boat Trip, and Norbit, among other things. I could wipe my ass with my resume after a big glass of Metamucil and it'd still have fewer turds on it than his (but probably more porn).
For the love of God, man, get a new agent. Burn the old one for fuel. It can't be fun making movies for the family-too-dumb-to-notice-something-sucks crowd.
PS - More like Cuba BAD-ing! Zing!
Jun 29 2007 Rush Hour 3 Poster - Same Shit, Different Place
Well, the Rush Hour 3 poster is out, and it's about as underwhelming as I imagine the movie to be. "This summer, they're kicking it in Paris." Yeah, that about sums it up. Same ingredients, same mediocre movie, except this time Brett Ratner gets to waddle his pudgy ass around gay Parie. It's where he belongs, he loves cheese.
Jun 26 2007 Beverly Hills Cop 4 - No New Movies Ever!
Eddie Murphy visiting Spike Lee on the set of The Blackest Eskimo
Lorenzo Di Bonaventura reportedly wants to do another Beverly Hills Cop movie (since the last one was such a masturpiece), but the studios aren't sold on the idea of Eddie Murphy going back to R-rated stuff. Says Di Bonaventura:
I think it's going to be a really interesting debate and it's one we're going to have for a while. That's what I want [an R rating]. Will you guys call Paramount and tell them that? The studios says their research is telling them PG. I'm with you. I won't do it if it's PG-13.
One wonders if this "research" also decided Norbit was a good idea. "Well, our studies show that Eddie Murphy + fat suit = money. This idea can't fail." But regardless of how they feel, I have a solution. The studios don't want to jeopardize Eddie Murphy's family friendly status, but no one wants to see an emasculated Beverly Hills Cop. Fine. Solution? Charlie Murphy.
See that, morons? That's why you have to wear a suit to work and I don't even have to wear pants. Masturbating at our desks is the one thing we seem to agree on.
Jun 20 2007 Evan Almighty: 8 Minutes of 'Heaven'
There's gotta be something funny under this hair! It worked in 40 Year Old Virgin! And yes, my bathroom has a bidet, what of it?
Eight minutes of Evan Almighty are now online, and it's about as funny as one can expect from a movie that steals premises from Tim Allen. In the clip, Evan struggles to control his hilarious beard growth and tries to explain to his wife why he wants to build a boat.
Don't you get it, hon? God's going to murder all the sinners he created. The lord hates sinners! Or maybe he loves murdering. Anyway, bottom line, we need a boat to survive the drowning of humanity. Isn't life funny sometimes?
And by the way, let's get a bunch of really funny people and make them fall down a lot! Wait, they're not laughing - have him hit himself with the hammer! Ooh, that didn't work either - do it again! Nope. Again! Still nothing. Again! (shrug) Well, shit, I just don't know then.
Jun 12 2007 Hollywood Sequel Train Still Rolling
"Matt Damon!"
Alternate headline: Sequels Still Running Train on Hollywood
Sam Jackson recently told MTV News that he's working on getting together a sequel to The Long Kiss Goodnight with Reny Harlin. The Long Kiss Goodnight came out in 1996 and starred Geena Davis as basically the female version of Jason Bourne. Jackson played the lovable black guy.
I'm torn on this one. On one hand, making a second Long Kiss Goodnight is about as ridiculous as making a second Last Boyscout. On the other hand, as far as crappy action movies go, I'll take a LKG or a Last Boyscout over Jerry Bruckheimer any day - at least they're good for a one-liner every now and then. See my favorites, after the jump.
Jun 12 2007 Evan Almighty Loves Environment as well as Jesus
"Hey, so God, you were just kidding about that whole 'no butt sex' thing, right?"
Roughly $25 million in marketing support is being provided by U[niversal] parent GE (through its Ecomagination campaign), Sheraton Hotels & Resorts, Travelocity, Environmental Defense Fund, Bear Naked, L.A. Zoo, San Diego Zoo, BP Solar and Dell Computers to help U launch its Get on Board eco-awareness campaign and give audiences tips on how to help slow the effects of global warming -- while letting them know "Almighty" is hitting theaters.
You may wonder how a movie that's previously tried to align itself with the God squad is going to reconcile this latest attempt to court environmentalists.
"Almighty" pushes the environmental message in its plot, providing a pivotal reason why God, played by Morgan Freeman, asks the character of Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) to build a critter-filled ark.
Oh! So God is planning to smite everyone not because they're gay or idol worshipers this time, but because they've neglected the environment, I get it. Sounds hilarious!
Jun 12 2007 WTF News: A New Fletch Movie? With Josh Jackson?
At one point, Pacey mistakenly believed wearing a canuck helmet would spare him severe beatings.
Hey remember those Chevy Chase movies that came out in the 80s? No, not National Lampoon's, the other ones...Fletch. Remember those? Sorta? Well, IESB is reporting that Fletch Won has found a director and star.
Steve Pink (who could totally make porn without changing his name), who previously directed Accepted, is on to direct. I'd start the ripping here if not for the fact that he also co-wrote High Fidelity and one of my guilty pleasures, Grosse Pointe Blank (Sample dialogue: "I'm gonna put a bullet in your head and then f*** the brain hole!" "Nice talk, sugarmouth.")
Meanwhile, Josh Jackson will be playing the lead. Joshua Jackson is perhaps best known for his character on Dawson's Creek, Pacey, which is perhaps best known for being the only name gayer than "Skyler". Pacey, of course, comes from the Latin word pacerus, which loosely translates to "man who eats knuckle sandwich."
Jun 5 2007 Fantastic Four 2 Decidedly Low on Tits and Fire
This raised eyebrow is as far as it's gonna go before marriage, honey.
Holy fudge! Fantastic Four 2 has gotten a PG rating! Well yippie kai-yay Mr. Falcon! Let's go celebrate by doing something non sexually suggestive (that will come off as unintentionally homoerotic!)!
Actually, I don't really care. I wasn't going to see it anyway. If you make a crappy movie, I'm not going to give you my money when you make a sequel. As George Dub says, "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice....Well, I won't get fooled again."
May 30 2007 The 'Almighty' Dollar
We may not agree on the whole evolution thing, but that doesn't mean we can't share a cold one.
Evan Almighty, the not-awaited sequel to Bruce Almighty, has taken a page out of Eric Cartman's book by positioning itself as a film with a religious theme in the hopes of making a buck.
Mindful of that market, Universal Pictures has teamed up with Grace Hill Media, a public relations firm that reaches out to religious groups, to publicize the mainstream film “Evan Almighty.” Scheduled for wide release on June 22, it stars Steve Carell as a politician who abandons Congress in order to build an ark, taking off on the story of Noah. Universal has held several screenings of “Evan Almighty” with religious leaders, hoping that they will recommend the film — with a PG rating and a protagonist who heeds a call to change the world — to their congregations.
This might be a tough sell; I bet a lot of folks will be angry that Evan Almighty ripped off the "guy can't stop growing beard" plotline from The Santa Clause.
Oh yeah, and in the movie, God is a black dude. They'll love that in Mississippi.
Epilogue: In case I ever have to defend my lifestyle to St. Peter (or a giant spaghetti monster) I'd like to point out that I got through this entire post without a single pedophilia reference.
May 25 2007 National Treasure 2 Trailer: Praying for Sweet Release of Death
Blacks will be hated, crappy movies made.
The National Treasure 2: Jerry Bruckheimer Continues Pooping trailer is now online.
The whole thing basically consists shots of world landmarks intercut with actors looking pensive.
I don't even know what to say. Shit like this really makes satire obsolete.
May 9 2007 Bourne Ultimatum Trailer
"Matt Da-mon!"
Kung fu! Motorcycles! Bad puns! The guy from Good Will Hunting! That's right, retards, it's Bourne Ultimatum trailer time. If you ever wondered what it would be like if they made James Bond without the charm, or xXx without black people, here's your answer.
May 7 2007 Spider-Man to Fight Carnage, Lizard, Apathy
Nerd Boner News Hour:
As superhero movies go, Spider-Man 3 may not be X-Men 2, but it's not exactly Daredevil, either. Still, the idea that I'm reporting on the villains spidey will fight in the next movie before anyone knows whether the director or any of the stars will be back makes me want to take a clearasil shower.
Dylan Baker, who apparently is the one-armed college professor who has appeared briefly in all of the Spider-Man movies, will become the lizard-like villain known cryptically as "Lizard" after injecting himself with reptilian DNA in an attempt to re-grow his missing arm, while Carnage is a serial killer named Cletus Kasady who comes into contact with some of Eddie Brock's "symbiote" goo in prison just before my mom caught me masturbating to Counselor Troi and made me go to the doctor to get dandruff medication.
May 4 2007 Michael Bay Ruins Cinema - New Pics!
The LA Times has two new pics from Transformers that are pretty underwhelming, but it also contains the news that the studio is already developing a script for the sequel.
I don't know about these guys. See, when I'm taking a dump, I know I've gotta be right there in the moment, focusing all my energy on the dump at hand, or rather, the dump at butt. What if I can't get part of the dump out? What if too much of the dump comes out too fast and I get splashback? What if I squeeze part of the dump out, get startled, and the rest of the dump goes back in my butt? These are important considerations, and I need all my wits about me to deal with them. I can't be thinking about tomorrow's dump, or the next day's dump, or a dump I'm gonna take two dumps from next Thursday. I just have to go out there and take it one dump at a time.
A sequel before the first movie's done? Jeez, you'd think these studio execs have never taken a dump before.
May 3 2007 Rush Hour 3 Trailer - Finally, Reason to Live!
Brett Ratner now the most important part of any film.
Just when you thought slitting those wrists was a good idea, the Rush Hour 3 trailer comes along to brighten your day! They're in France this time! You just know there's going to be singing in cars and racial stereotyping!
And in case the "3" next to the title doesn't tell you it's gonna be really, really good, they've also got BRETT RATNER'S NAME BEFORE THE TITLE. That's right, folks, he has arrived. He might as well just change his name to Brett Radner.
You know, a guy makes one or two shitty movies and you think, oh well, you'll get 'em next time, tiger, and you give the guy a hetero ass pat. At this point though, I think Brett Ratner's actively trying to ruin my day; actively plotting against me. You know, like the Jews.
May 1 2007 Pirates of the Caribbean Featurette
Maybe if your mom cut down on the Chow Yun, she wouldn't be so fat. [Ed. Note - Sorry, it'll never happen again]
/Film has a new Pirates of the Caribbean featurette, which I think is like a feature that squats to pee.
You can watch it if you want, but I'm not. Nor will I watch Jerry B. castrate something cool for almost three hours when the movie comes out. See, anyone else makes a 3-hour movie about pirates and you're thinking, "Sweet, that's like a whole extra hour of rum, wenches, swordfighting, limbs getting blown off by cannons, and rape."
But with Jerry, you know it's just gonna be another hour of CGI ghosts, talking animals, and hell, maybe even Nic Cage.
Plus, I think this entire movie was miscast. See the actors I would've chosen, after the jump.
May 1 2007 Fantastic Four Trailer
Silver like your grandmama's bush.
Apple's got the new full-length Fantastic Four trailer. Finally, someone made a comic book movie. I don't know what Hollywood has against comic books, I really don't.
Med-Res QuickTime
Low Res QuickTime
The movie was directed by Tim Story, who directed the first one as well as Taxi, so I'm sure this will be, like, really good and stuff.
[/sarcasm]
Apr 27 2007 Tom Hanks Gets $50 Million for Turd
I will buy and sell you, motherf*cker.
Tom Hanks is rumored to be making $50 million for the The Da Vinci Code sequel, which is funny, because that's about how much you'd have to pay me to see it.
Just kidding, I'd eat cat poop for a dollar.
According to one source, the former "Bosom Buddies" star is due to get about $35 million up front, and possibly another $15 million based on the film's eventual profit.Source
