Aug 14 2009 Finally, a Re-Imagining of 'Battlestar Galactica'

You'd really think someone would have put together an updated version of the 1978 series Battlestar Galactica by now, creating both a critical and ratings success for whatever thematically-appropriate cable network might have picked it up, but seeing that obviously no one has done that, Universal has attached Bryan Singer to write and produce a completely re-imagined BSG film. Says The Hollywood Reporter:

The deal hyper-jumps the development of "Galactica," for which Universal quietly picked up the movie rights in February from original show creator Glen A. Larson as the lauded Sci Fi series was wrapping up.

The deal also brings Singer back to a project he was close to getting off the ground at the beginning of the decade. Singer and Tom DeSanto were developing with USA for Fox TV a backdoor pilot that was intended to be a sequel to the 1978 series, but those were shelved after the attacks of Sept. 11.

(The premise involved a human civilization on 12 planets decimated from an attack by intelligent robots known as Cylons. Survivors are led by the starship Galactica in their attempt to find a mythic 13th planet named Earth.)

There is no script for the new "Galactica," though insiders have said the feature is to be a complete reimaginging and will stand separately.

Maybe something with Danny Trejo as some sort of space commander and Senator John McCain in an eye patch? Just some ideas. Completely original ideas.

Jul 2 2009 'Asteroids': That's a Movie Now

Solidifying the notion that film concepts are no longer so much actual ideas as much as notable words, the movie rights to Asteroids, the 1979 Atari game that consisted of absolutely nothing but a triangular ship shooting shapes that looked roughly like asteroids (and occasionally flying saucers), were just purchased by Universal after the studio won a four-studio bidding war. Yes, four studios were really eager to make an Asteroids movie. Because it's such a good idea for a movie.

It was a big score for Universal, as they're the studio making films based on Battleship, Candy Land, and Monopoly, so they have a reputation to keep up for making old, plot-free games into retarded movies. They needed this.

I can't help but think this is a mistake. Not the idea of making a movie based on a game of flying around shooting asteroids, but making a movie based on a game of flying around shooting asteroids that isn't Sinistar. At least then you've got an extremely antagonistic villain:

Continue Reading " 'Asteroids': That's a Movie Now "

Jun 23 2009 'The Hangover' with Business Ladies!

That was clearly the entire pitch for this:

Universal Pictures has picked up the comedy pitch "Business Trip" from writer Stacey Harman.

Benderspink, behind the Warner Bros. hit "The Hangover," will produce the laffer about a group of women who go on a corporate trip but wind up doing anything but business while on company time.

I'm just going to assume Tina Fey and Rashida Jones are in negotiations to star because of their respective aptitudes in wearing glasses and blazers, which, as we know, are the primary indicators that a lady holds a position in the broad field of "business." And because Diane Keaton is too old.

May 8 2009 The Strange Case of Dr. Keanu and Mr. Reeves

The Academy is going to have to sort out if a dual-role means a Best Actor nominations or two Supporting Actor nods, because Keanu Reeves has been cast in the lead of a modern adaptation of Jeckyll & Hyde:

Universal is developing a modern retelling of the classic novella "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," with Keanu Reeves attached to star and Justin Haythe, writer of "Revolutionary Road," penning the script.

Nicolas Winding Refn is in negotiations to direct the project, titled "Jekyll."

He's going to look so mildly-perturbed as he mutates into his villainous form. "Oh, man, something's happening. [Breathing slightly heavily.] Something... strange... evil..."

Such great casting. Who better to portray the duality of man than Keanu Reeves, a man whose range exists purely in shades of comatose? Hollywood wins again.

Keanu Reeves in for new 'Jekyll' [THR]

Mar 19 2009 New Romantic Comedy is Half Man, Half Fish

We've come so far in terms of equality, America. It's about time the producer of Splash made a high concept romantic comedy about a merman:

Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment have acquired "Merman," a romantic comedy script by Jennifer Abu Hollander.

Pic will be produced by Imagine's Brian Grazer, his first fish foray since "Splash," the breakout hit that forged his partnership with Ron Howard.

Story follows a merman who comes to land so he can win back his mermaid fiancee, who has left him for a real man.

That makes sense. Renee Zellweger and friends have exhausted all of the earthly romantic comedy concepts, so we've been forced to turn to our waters to drill for ideas. It's only natural one of the first things to spring up would be something where Matthew McConaughey could re-adopt his Surfer Dude persona and be shirtless. And once we wring all the romantic comedy situations we can out of mer-people, we'll move on to the skies: Illegal Alien, starring Hugh Grant and Jennifer Garner as a couple in an argumentative marriage-of-convenience that allows Grant to keep his green card. Through their comical bickering they eventually find genuine love, plus Hugh Grant is literally an alien. Then maybe we could do a few moleman/molewoman films. Hopefully, once we've run out of ways to rephrase the tagline "They didn't need vision to see they were a perfect match," we'll have evolved into a super-race and we can move on to making romantic comedies about how we still have problems finding dates even with our new, seal-like skin. Non-human rom-coms are clearly the way of the future.

Universal, Imagine to make 'Merman' [Variety]

Feb 5 2009 'Candy Land' Gets Writer, Director, Candy

Universal has announced the writing/directing team for their movie based on the board game Candy Land, and you know they're going to screw up the part where someone picks a card with a color on it and then advances to the next instance of that color:

Studio has set Etan Cohen to write and Kevin Lima to direct a live-action feature based on the enduring Hasbro board game.

Lima most recently directed the Amy Adams starrer "Enchanted" after helming the animated features "Tarzan" and "102 Dalmatians." Cohen's recent script work includes "Tropic Thunder" and "Madagascar 2," and he most recently rewrote "The Fiance," the Burr Steers-directed romantic comedy that will star Anne Hathaway.

I am highly opposed to this. When a kid is playing Candy Land, they should be basking in the dreams of living in a candy-based world and enjoying the freedom that comes with chance controlling your every move. They shouldn't have to stop and say "Wait, Madison, if I'm rounding Gumdrop Lane, does that mean I'm after the part where Alan Cumming as Dr. Licorice has kidnapped the kids and they're about to reluctantly return to the human world through the Lollipop Portal?" Let the children keep their context-free world paved in diabetes. Trouble, on the other hand--go ahead and make a Trouble movie. What's the trouble? Let's find out.

'Candy Land' coming to bigscreen [Variety]

Dec 18 2008 This Will Probably Be Like 'The Wizard'

Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinski has acquired the film rights to an article in the Wall Street Journal about a man's obsession with the video game Second Life:

Universal and "Pirates of the Caribbean" helmer Gore Verbinski have acquired a 2007 Wall Street Journal article they will use as the basis for a film about the online fantasy role-playing world and its detrimental impact on the real lives of players.

Verbinski will develop the film as a directing vehicle; Steven Knight ("Eastern Promises") will pen the script.

The article by Alexandra Alter focuses on a married man who spends as many as 20 hours a day on a computer, existing through an avatar who is a thriving, musclebound entrepreneur. In reality, he is a diabetic, chain-smoking 53-year-old.

I just read the article (you can too!) and what the Variety story fails to mention is that the man is an electronic bigamist--married to one woman in real life and another lady in Second Life. So with that conflict and advanced computer graphics taking us INSIDE THE COMPUTER, I guess I can almost imagine how a man literally only playing an online game could be a movie. This part of the story will probably come at the height of the second act:

He upgraded his avatar, buying defined stomach muscles, a furry chest and special hair that sways when he walks.

When you buy yourself special hair that sways when you walk, you're just setting yourself up for a fall.

Universal, Verbinski plan to role-play [Variety]

Nov 3 2008 Someone Might Pay for 'Tintin' After All

You may recall, back in September, Universal told Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson, "Look, buds, you've made some great films, and we plan to re-buy them on Blu-Ray, but we're not going to give you $130 million dollars and 30% gross revenue to make a few films about some Belgian comic that isn't all that popular here." Now it looks like Sony and Paramount have stepped in, and might co-finance the films despite losing the prospective star:

Sony Pictures Entertainment and Paramount Pictures are in talks to co-finance "Tintin," Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson’s digital 3-D pic based on the Belgian "Tintin" comics.

While neither Sony nor Paramount would comment, both confirmed talks are under way for one film.

Spielberg had hoped to be in production by fall. However, when financing fell apart at U on the eve of the DreamWorks/Par divorce, he lost the participation of his lead actor, Thomas Sangster.

Well, guys, if this doesn't work out, there's always being selected as a contestant 130 times and playing all perfect games on Howie Mandel's Pick a Box. That's what I always consider my greatest possibility of making enough money to get haircuts.

Sony, Paramount financing 'Tintin' [Variety]

Nov 3 2008 'Dante's Inferno': The Not-Yet-Existant Video Game: The Movie

You know that great Dante's Inferno game that everyone is talking about? That's OK if you haven't, because it hasn't been released yet, or even officially announced, but that didn't stop several studios getting in a bidding war for movie rights to the game, eventually ending with Universal winning the deal. From Variety:

Universal Pictures won a bidding battle for an unreleased Electronic Arts videogame that sources said will be called "Dante's Inferno" by the time it hits the marketplace next year.

The deal -- an option fee against seven-figure purchase price -- ended an auction that pitted four studios against one another late last week (Daily Variety, Oct. 31). Paramount, New Regency and MGM were the other final bidders, after Warner Bros. dropped out Thursday.

It was a surprise entry, because EA made past movie deals (including "The Sims" with Fox and producer John Davis and "Mass Effect" with producer Avi Arad) after the properties were already popular with gamers. This time around, EA hadn't even announced the existence of the game at the time the concept was brought to the film marketplace. EA declined to comment or confirm the game's title.

Wow, a seven-figure purchase price? It's too bad there isn't some long-existing public domain version of this "Dante Inferno" story that could be used for free, and without the hassle of first waiting to see if a video game is successful, then adapting a plot meant to drive gameplay into a film. If only! But then I guess then they wouldn't get the shining endorsement that comes with the tagline "based on the video game." "Based on a video game" falls only slightly behind "starring Brendan Fraser" and "written and directed by children and the mentally ill" as an indicator of high quality.

Sep 22 2008 Universal Will Not Pay For Your 'Tintin' Movie, Steven Spielberg

Universal has rescinded financing on Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson's CGI motion-capture Tintin project after learning they would never make any money on this whole Tintin scheme:

The two legendary directors submitted to Universal a 130 million dollar budget to produce a trilogy of films based on the beloved Belgian comic-strip boy reporter.

But Universal refused to green light the project, and production, scheduled to begin in October, is on hold until Spielberg and Jackson find other financing, the Times said.

Universal officials winced when they saw the two Hollywood luminaries demanding about 30 percent of the movie's total gross revenues, meaning that "Tintin" would have to rake in some 425 million dollars globally before the studios could break even, according to the newspaper.

In my understanding, the main problem is the price of digitizing the actors, which involves hiring a programmer to write an evil program and then waiting for a computer to get hit by lightning while the actors make a quiet wish that they could live in the video game, thus sucking them inside the screen for use in computer-animated films. We need to get that cost down somehow. Any ideas?

Universal deems Tintin movie too expensive [AFP]

Sep 12 2008 'Sigmund and the Sea Monsters'? Sure, Let's Make That a Movie

Universal has recruited Simpsons writer/producer Dana Gould to write an adaptation of Sid and Marty Krofft's Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. That's it. Movie production is officially a form of archaeology, simply looking for absolutely any remnants of past civilizations to unearth and put on display in their forgotten, deteriorated forms. Have you seen this show? This is the intro:

Continue Reading " 'Sigmund and the Sea Monsters'? Sure, Let's Make That a Movie "

Sep 10 2008 Someone's Getting a New 'Best Friend'! (It's Wes Anderson!)

Universal and Imagine have hired quirk auteur Wes Anderson to write and possibly direct My Best Friend a remake of the 2006 French comedy Mon meilleur ami. From Variety:

The French pic starred Daniel Auteuil as a cranky antiques dealer who learns at a dinner with his closest acquaintances that none of them really like him because of his harsh manner and selfishness. When his business partner bets him a valuable vase that he can’t produce a best friend, the dealer tries to get an amiable cab driver to pose as his buddy.

So Bill Murray as the cranky antiques dealer and Owen Wilson as the amiable cab driver? Yeah, I'll see that.

Jul 8 2008 Hellboy Continues His Television Tour of Duty

I know it won't affect the quality of the movie, but man, Hellboy is losing some credibility. Ken has pointed out another Hellboy-somehow-meeting-characters-from-random-GE-owned-television-shows clip, this one introducing the evil-fighting demon to the guys from Ghost Hunters. Then I saw that AICN has news that he will also meet characters from The Office, Heroes, and Law & Order. Apparently GE is confusing cross-promotional synergy with giving the impression that Hellboy II involves the character getting sucked into the TV à la Stay Tuned.

But I figure, if GE is going to insert the character into something from every channel they own, I might as well help them out. Here are some ideas for further ill-conceived cross-overs:

CNBC - Hellboy finds himself on Mad Money with Jim Cramer, who chastises Hellboy for not diversifying his portfolio. Hellboy says, "Boo-yah."

Oxygen - Hellboy talks sex with Sue Johanson. She has suggestions for how he could please a woman with his giant stone hand (complete with lewd gestures), and it's typically uncomfortable because you're watching this old Canadian woman discuss fisting.

USA - Hellboy is bored and sort of drunk, so he watches some movie about slutty cheerleaders at 3 in the morning thinking the basic cable station might somehow slip and show some nudity. At the end, he looks at the camera and says, "It's OK to do this every so often." I just need someone to tell me it's OK.

Hallmark Channel - Hellboy meets this old lady who turns out to be an angel or something.

History Channel - Hellboy fights some Nazis. Never mind--that would make too much sense.

Telemundo - Hellboy sits on the couch with me and helps me decipher the mechanics of that horoscope-based dating show with the Hispanic Jenny McCarthy, because, man, I cannot figure that shit out. In a later ad, it's revealed that we watched over an hour of Telemundo soap operas just for the exaggerated cleavage. Again, Hellboy assures me it's not at all pathetic.

Ghost Hunters clip under the cut. The rest are all too imminent.

UPDATE: Josh has pointed out that NBC Universal Creative Services president Vince Manze thinks this is genius.

Continue Reading " Hellboy Continues His Television Tour of Duty "

Jun 27 2008 Trailer for 'Tale of Despereaux', Which Isn't Anything Like 'Ratatouille'

Tale of Despereaux? More like Tale of Desperation! Because Universal is so desperate to continue the Finding Nemo/Shark Tale, Bug's Life/Ants, Toy Story/Plaything Narrative tradition of repeating animated movie concepts that they've made a film about a foreign-named mouse in a kitchen! Talk about desperate! Or maybe they just logically purchased the rights to a Newbery Award-winning children's book that's coincidentally about a mouse, since mice like Mickey, Fievel, and Stuart Little have been common and popular protagonists for some time. But I'll continue to call it desperation.

Anyway, the trailer is under the cut.

Continue Reading " Trailer for 'Tale of Despereaux', Which Isn't Anything Like 'Ratatouille' "

Jun 2 2008 God Punishes Hollywood's Liberal Sins with Raging Fire

In an event long-predicted by the Bible, the flagrant sinning of Hollywood was finally punished this weekend when a just but merciless God emptied his wrath onto Universal Studios Hollywood, with a three-alarm fire overtaking the Universal Video Vault, Back to the Future sets, and the ride where you cruise past an animatronic King Kong torso. From the LA Times:

The morning fire, which burned about two city blocks, was not extinguished until about 10 p.m. This morning, 40 to 50 firefighters were still dousing hot spots and turning over charred walls as they looked for smoldering embers, said Los Angeles County Fire Capt. Mike Brown.

The fire affected about three and a half acres of the 391-acre park, a Universal spokesman said this morning, with estimated damages "in the millions" of dollars.

Thankfully, from what I can tell, there only some minor injuries from the blaze, /Film has confirmed the Back to the Future clock tower was mostly spared (phew!), and the studios reopened this morning at 10 to a crowd eager to witness the devastation. ("We want to see what burned down," said 15-year-old Steven Razo.)

Firefighters are still looking into the cause of the fire, if poor water pressure could have hampered efforts to stop it, and if something similar could happen at Universal Studios Florida, thus endangering the Get the Picture video wall and the Aggro Crag.

May 29 2008 Guess What Mystical Board Capable of Contacting the Spirits and Asking Them Trivial Questions is Becoming a Movie!

When a partnership between Universal and Hasbro formed in February, giving the studio access to Hasbro's board game library and making a movie version of Magic: The Gathering slightly more than just a dream in a lonely 7th grade mind, I figured it was one of those things we'd hear an announcement for but never have to worry about again--like Grandparents Day, or a miscarriage. After all, if no one can even get a movie about Wonder Woman--a popular character with a long history--off the ground, what chance does a game where you move a planchette around a lettered board have?

A lot, it turns out, thanks to the usual suspect in converting childhood fun into film misery, Michael Bay. His Platinum Bay studio and writer David Berenbaum have announced plans to bring the Ouija Board to screens in a movie titled simply, beautifully, Ouija. And it sounds great:

Although the specific log line for the film is being kept under wraps, the film will be a supernatural adventure with the Ouija board playing an integral part of the story. The movie is not taking a "Jumanji"-like approach, which involved a game coming to life.

Whew! I was worried a Ouija Board movie called Ouija wouldn't prominently feature the Ouija Board, or play out enough like an extended commercial. Or that it would be like Jumanji, in that the sun, moon, and alphabet would literally emerge from the board and trample through a house. Thank you for putting those fears to bed. My only question is if they'll invent some hackneyed story about a hard-to-find antique shop and an old Gypsy woman who sells the kids the magical board, or if the kids will just pick it up for a couple dollars at a closing Kay-Bee Toys in their local mall, like how most people acquire the mystical eventual-TV-tray known as Ouija.

Michael Bay conjures 'Ouija' movie" [THR]

Feb 20 2008 Universal, Hasbro Announce Bad Idea Partnership

Universal Pictures and Hasbro have announced a six-year partnership that will produce at least four films based on the following games: Monopoly, Candy Land, Ouija, Battleship, Magic: The Gathering, and Stretch Armstrong. Aside from Ridely Scott's inexplicable involvement in the Monopoly project, very little is known about how the properties would be developed into feature films. So how about I pitch some ideas?

Ouija - A group of gullible teenagers attribute a string of recent murders to a ghost, only to find out it was just their asshole friend doing it. (Note: This should be made in Asia first, then remade here.)

Clue - A wealthy mansion-owner invites a group of similarly affluent guests over to watch Clue.

Battleship - A hotshot naval commander attempts a daring new formation of lining up his fleet in a row along the border. This fails, but the young leader still finds victory after the enemy can't find his f***ing destroyer.

Monopoly - A light-hearted gathering erupts in argument; the film ends abruptly.

Stretch Armstrong - This movie (and toy) should never be made, but will star Jim Carrey and a lot of low-budget CGI.

Candy Land - A band of outcast teenagers find themselves in a colorful, candy-coated world where their movements are dictated by color. It turns out they're just really, really high.

Magic: The Gathering - An exciting battle between a powerful orc shaman and a dwarf paladin suddenly becomes dull when someone realizes it's a card game.

Any other/better ideas? It seems like the Magic movie should work in woeful virginity, but I'm not sure how.

Universal rolls dice with Hasbro [Variety]