Nov 17 2009 Internet Meme Meets Vampire Fad in Most Ephemeral Fake Trailer Ever
In five years, we will have no idea what any of this referencing. And we won't care, so busy we'll be enjoying whatever our new teenage monster melodrama/ridiculous t-shirt combination is.
Nov 16 2009 People (12-Year-Old Girls) Really Excited About Seeing 'New Moon'
With days of ticket sales to go before NewMoonday (Friday), The Twilight Saga: New Moon has, in human history's record, become the top selling pre-sales film in Fandango history. The vampire/wolfman teen melodrama, which debuts on the 20th, currently accounts for 86% of ticket sales, and has found itself at the top of a top pre-sales list that includes the last Star Wars thing, the last Harry Potter thing, the last Batman thing, the last Twilight thing, and the series finale of M*A*S*H.
Enjoy the spotlight while it lasts, New Moon. The young teen girl taste is fickle; you can't reign forever. Today's Jonathan Taylor Thomas is yesterday's Mark-Paul Gosselaar, or whatever three-named thing girls are into now. You won't always be the high school jock they all want. Soon you'll be their fat husband who married them because they were pregnant, and now everyone on Facebook is judging you. What now, New Moon? What now?
New Moon Becomes Top Advance Ticket-Seller in Fandango History [ComingSoon]
Sep 29 2009 'New Moon' Posters: The Most Thorougly Unlikable Collection of Faces
Summit has released some new posters for The Twilight Saga: New Moon, amassing all the main characters in three one-sheets, making it very convenient to decide whose expression deems them most worthy of being slapped in the face over and over and over. Convenient, yes, but definitely not easy. This decision is far from easy. Just when you think the dubious goddammer in the upper-right has it locked, that he's definitely the one to slap and slap and slap, you notice all these guys making a strong case to also be slapped:
Continue Reading " 'New Moon' Posters: The Most Thorougly Unlikable Collection of Faces "
Sep 14 2009 'New Moon' Trailer: Being a Teenage Girl Torn Between Vampire and Werewolf Boyfriends is Rough
The Twilight saga continues! And now there's a vampire king or something! Which is a bit ridiculous, because it isn't Dracula. If a vampire king is named, it's obviously going to be Dracula. Who's going to run against Dracula in a vampire king election? Get with it, Stephenie Meyer.
Anyway, here's the new New Moon trailer, Twilightiacs.
Aug 27 2009 'New Moon' Photos: Hey, It's the Volturis! You Know, the Volturis
From Yahoo and MTV, here are the first looks at Aro and Alec of the Volturi clan--a series of words that presumably mean something if you've read the Twilight series. All I can figure out is that this new film apparently stars Wayne's World Dracula and the smuggest boy on earth.
Jul 29 2009 'Twilight' Series Gets a Bryce Howard
Bad news, 14-year-old girls: Twilight continuity has been compromised! EW reports Bryce Dallas Howard, Ron Howard's more attractive offspring recently seen in Terminator Salvation, will be joining Eclipse, the third Twilight film, replacing Rachelle Lefevre in the role of Victoria. Thankfully, I still know next to nothing about the series, so who is or isn't in it really has no bearing on my life. This is like finding out the Copy Center girl at Staples won't be in today. "Cathy's sick!? Oh, man, who's going to unlock the case to get people their ink cartridges?!" What do I care?
And by the dubs, Twilight fanatics, Lefevre is leaving for scheduling conflicts, so don't bother with a petition or anything. Save the creative energy for your Robert Pattinson mural.
(Thanks, Mike.)
Jun 1 2009 'New Moon' Trailer, Girls
It's Bella's birthday, and you know what that means: time for the annual kiss from her undead boyfriend! It's every girl's dream; the perfect birthday--someone even bought her an intricately decorated cake from a Food Network contest! But when Bella experiences the most dramatic paper cut scene ever committed to film, one that leads to Yacht Club Vampire attacking her, Edward realizes they come from different sides of the vampire tracks. He knows what he must do: abandon her in the forest, home of the Rastafarian vampires who wear colored contacts so that you'll know they're bad guys.
Who will save her birthday now? Answer in the Twilight Saga: New Moon trailer:
May 28 2009 New 'New Moon' Photos: I Get the Sense This 'Twilight' Thing is Being Targeted to a Specific Demographic
Shock Till You Drop has posted 60-some shots from the set of The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and, of course, that means a bunch of photos of shirtless Young Dracula's pale limbs coolly embracing his non-vampire girlfriend. Really giving the people what they wanted. The fans said, "OMG EDWARD + BELLA 4EVER ID LIKE TO SEE HIM SHIRTLESS YUM LOL," and the filmmakers listened. Good to see that even with the change in director, there will still be just as much pandering.
Now time to lie on my stomach across a canopy bed and write out a few glittery diary pages on how I can tell Bella and Edward are still totally in love.
May 19 2009 'New Moon' Poster, Same Rustic Portrait Studio Backdrop
I don't know what it is about this cryptic image, but I get the feeling New Moon might hold some kind of love triangle involving Vampire Luke Perry, Angry Meathead, and Avril Lavigne Protégé. Don't ask me why. I just have this sense that we're finally going to figure out if girls prefer vampires or werewolves to not have sex with.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon Poster [Coming Soon]
Apr 23 2009 'Twilight 3' Gets Experienced Vampire Director
30 Days of Night director David Slade has done Alaskan vampires, but can he handle the magic of value-promoting vampires that 12-year-old girls buy posters of? Let's all find that out together when he directs the third Twilight movie:
The "30 Days of Night" director will take a slightly less gory approach to the blood-sucking brood when he helms "Eclipse," the third installment of Stephenie Meyer's best-selling "Twilight" franchise. Summit Entertainment has just signed Slade to the project, which it plans to release June 30, 2010.Melissa Rosenberg, who penned the adaptations of "Twilight" and its sequel, "New Moon," will also script "Eclipse."
The third book follows heroine Bella Swan as she nears graduation while trying to navigate the dangers of the ongoing vampire-werewolf struggle. Mysterious killings turn up around Seattle, a malicious vampire looks for revenge and Bella's romantic life with Edward becomes complicated.
"I am thrilled that David Slade will be directing 'Eclipse,' " said Meyer. "He's a visionary filmmaker who has so much to offer this franchise. From the beginning, we've been blessed with wonderful directorial talent for the 'Twilight' saga, and I'm so happy that 'Eclipse' will be carrying on with that tradition."
Phew, glad that's taken care of. The Twilight message boards have been going fucking mad with outcry for a director to be named--one who would bring more nuance to the characters while adding style, vision, and a focused maturity that could broaden the series' appeal beyond its core 11 to 16-year-old female market. That's all they seem to talk about over on Twilight message boards. It's always either that or which of the Wolf Pack guys is most kissable.
Apr 22 2009 It's the Wolf Pack! (Apparently Some Sort of Shorts-Wearing 'Twilight' Werewolf Frat)
USA Today has posted the first shot of The Wolf Pack, a group of four shirtless Native American guys with airbrushed abs, from The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I wonder if the fake woods backdrop is an indication of how the production values have gone up with the larger budget for the sequel. That thing is Sears Portrait Studio quality.
Feb 27 2009 Drew Barrymore's Vampire Teen Romance?
Someone has thought of a way to make the Twilight series even less appealing to the general population: add Drew Barrymore as director! Did you forget that Drew Barrymore is a director? She is. Drew Barrymore is a director, and she may be directing a Twilight, says Entertainment Weekly:
As Summit Entertainment looks to lock in a director for the third installment of the Twilight series, Eclipse, the company is talking to a select group of directors -- including actress-turned-helmer Drew Barrymore, EW has learned. While this news may come as a surprise to some, Barrymore did just finish work on her directorial debut, Whip It! starring Ellen Page. Neither Summit nor Barrymore's reps would comment for this story
I'm not sure that the intense drama of a Twilight resonates with the Drew Barrymore-starring frivolity of a Flower Films production, but luckily a night vision tape of some teenagers making out in a haunted house would still make over $100 million under the Twilight banner, so who cares?
Feb 20 2009 The Twilight Saga's (Possessive!) New Moon Logo
MTV has unveiled the new title artwork for the Twilight sequel, and revealed that the film's official title is The Twilight Saga's New Moon (which is odd, because the title artwork does not quite say that). Good idea, though. This way, after they run out of books, they can start making easily-identifiable spin-off films. The Twilight Saga's Christmas Vacation: Cousin Edward's Island Adventure, here we come.
Dec 15 2008 Audiences Pay for 'Day the Earth Stood Still'
This weekend's box office results:
1. The Day the Earth Stood Still - $31 million, though that could still rise dramatically once we get the numbers back from space
2. Four Christmases - $13.3 million. The constant trickle of festively-dressed, moderately-entertained people leaving theaters has barely slowed.
3. Twilight - Indisputably our largest form of vampire revenue, bringing in another $8 million.
4. Bolt - $7.5 million. Another unimpressive weekend exhibits the post-Beverly Hills Chihuahua talking dog malaise.
5. Australia - $4.3 million--still a disappointing take, but at least providing Hugh Jackman a great joke to use at the Oscars this year: "Hey, Australia didn't make anywhere near its massive budget back! Am I right?"
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Dec 8 2008 'Twilight' Director Not Returning for 'New Moon' (which is the name of the sequel, I hear)
Summit Entertainment, the studio behind the recent hit Twilight, has officially announced they will be moving ahead with the sequel, New Moon, without director Catherine Hardwicke. From Variety:
Summit Entertainment has wasted no time moving ahead with the next installment in Stephenie Meyer's bestselling "Twilight" series, "New Moon." But in an unusual move after the successful launch of a franchise that has already generated $138.6 million, the upstart distrib is not bringing director Catherine Hardwicke back to direct the picture. Summit and Hardwicke cite Summit's wish to rush the movie into production as one reason for their split. Summit wants to release the picture, which will demand substantial CGI work, by the end of 2009 or the start of 2010. A former production designer, Hardwicke wanted more prep time."Twilight" scripter Melissa Rosenberg handed in a draft of "New Moon" the weekend that "Twilight" opened. Hardwicke wanted more time to work on it; Summit announced it was going ahead with "New Moon" on November 22, with no director attached. Negotiations lasted two weeks before Hardwicke formally passed on the film Saturday.
Wow, Summit is acting as if Twilight had questionable production values and tepid reviews and its success was based entirely on its prior name value and had nothing to do with the satisfactory-at-best direction. Who's going to repeatedly tell vampire boyfriend to stare intensely now?
Dec 8 2008 Christmas Movie Continues Success in Christmas Season
The weekend box office:
1. Four Christmases - $18.2 million. That really is an absurd number of Christmases.
2. Twilight - $13.2 million. After falling to third last week, the film spiked in sales this weekend when a lot of kids happened to have Twilight book reports due today.
3. Bolt - $9.7 million. Bolt is probably one of our best animals named after hardware. Am I right?
4. Australia - $7 million, climbing from fifth place as some husbands decided to take their wives out to pretend they still care.
5. Quantum of Solace - $6.6 million. Ut oh, Punisher, that means you were the only widely-released new film and still didn't crack the top five. What a disaster!
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Dec 1 2008 'Four Christmases' Most Popular Respite from Conversation
This weekend, many of us headed to theaters with our families as a break from sitting around awkwardly watching television with our families, and trying to remember where our bed used to be before our bedrooms became mom's sewing room. Innumerable grandmas who hadn't been to the theater since last Thanksgiving weekend were again shuffled out of the house and into a darkened auditorium for two hours, where many slept.
Here's what movies they saw, along with the official one-sentence grandma review of each film:
1. Four Christmases - $31.7 million. "There were so many Christmases that I just couldn't keep track, but I liked how the children visited their parents."
2. Bolt - $26.6 million. "I don't know what that was all about."
3. Twilight - $26.4 million. (Wistful gazing out the window the whole drive home.)
4. Quantum of Solace - $19.5 million. "So loud."
5. Australia - $14.8 million. "That was very nice, but Australia will always be a nation of criminals."
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Nov 24 2008 Vampire Teen Romance is Really Popular
Why your local theater felt like a Forever 21 this weekend:
1. Twilight - $70.6 million. This is why I'm really glad we didn't pass that proposal that would let 13-year-old girls vote.
2. Quantum of Solace - $27.4 million. Now we've seen how Bond competes against vampires at the box office, but what about if he actually fought vampires? I still think he'd do OK.
3. Bolt - $27 million. I always said people would pay to hear John Travolta's voice in any form, but it turns out I may have been wrong. I might have to reconsider my personalized John Travolta voicemail business plan.
4. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - $16 million. Spoiler alert: Madagascar escapes 2 Africa.
5. Role Models - $7.2 million. I'm too transfixed by this vampire's icy stare to come up with anything about Role Models.
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Oct 14 2008 Here Comes a 'Twilight' Sequel!
It may not hit theaters until November 21, but the copious, intense stares of Twilight are already so popular that Summit Entertainment is already preparing a sequel. From Deadline Hollywood:
When your soundtrack isn't even completed much less released (not until November 4th), yet it's already in the Top 5 Best-Selling Albums on Amazon based on pre-sales alone, you know you have a hit. When Borders makes an exclusive calendar and sells out the first printing in a matter of days, you know you have a hit. And when the new trailer to your movie surpasses 3.5 million views less than 48 hours after its online debut, you know you have a hit. Which is why Summit Entertainment's CEO Rob Friedman is already readying a Twilight sequel.Twilight came in at only a $37 million negative cost. This notion of a low-cost blockbuster for a start-up studio just doesn't happen often in the film biz. So if the movie lives up to the advance hype, Summit will be sitting on a big new franchise.
Gee, I don't know. Are you sure the soundtrack sales are really an indication of how the movie is going to do? Maybe teenage girls are just clamoring to get this who's-who of the last twenty years of dark angst finally collected on one CD. Maybe they're just excited to find Perry Farrell, Linkin Park, and Collective Soul in one place, and for once that place isn't a sadness clinic. Ever think of that? That Collective Soul just makes great music that everyone still wants to hear as soon as they find out Collective Soul is somehow still around? I hope I hear them tonight on Headbanger's Ball.
Oct 10 2008 'Twilight' Trailer, for Your Daily Dose of Obsessive Vampire Teen Romance
God, Twilight is so romantic. I wish someone would use super vampire strength to save me from an approaching, out-of-control Chevy Astro. Or run me up a tree at vampire speeds. Or throw large branches around willy nilly for me. Or present me with apples I'd dropped. Or murder vampires for me. Or forcefully make me tell them they're a vampire, then growl those special words, "You are my life now." SIGH. Well, at least there's this movie I can masturbate to:
Continue Reading " 'Twilight' Trailer, for Your Daily Dose of Obsessive Vampire Teen Romance "