Jul 8 2009 "You Can Be in 'Transformers' After I Record You Washing My Awesome Car" - Michael Bay
I question the validity of this story, but if it is indeed true, Michael Bay is even worse than we thought. Director of some our most expensive stupid movies and egregious sexual harrasser?
U.K. broadcaster Jason Solomons wrote in a recent column that Bay had Ms. Megan Fox wash his (unspecified) Ferrari at his home as part of her audition for her role in the first Transformers movie. And since Bay was doing "official" auditions, he apparently recorded every minute of it.Solomons reportedly asked Fox if she knew where the footage was, and he says she was unsure where the footage was, adding that she was "concerned" as to where it may be. According to Solomons, Bay all but confirmed the tape's existence, allegedly saying "Er, I don't know where it is either" when asked by the broadcaster.
Well, I guess it's not that big of a deal by Hollywood standards, when you consider the things (handjobs) I'm sure many actresses have had to do to get parts. And, come to think of it, this isn't that unusual; I've actually had to wash a car for a job, too. That job was "washing someone's car."
(Thanks for the tip, sh3lby.)
Michael Bay filmed Megan Fox washing his Ferrari as part of her Transformers audition?! [Autoblog]
May 14 2008 Hasbro Now Officially Owns Your Entire Childhood
For too long the bigwigs down at TV-Loonland have kept their puffy, white-gloved hands clenched in tight, wacky fists around the Sunbow Cartoon library, keeping it from the rightful owners, the kindly old toymakers at Hasbro. No longer! Hasbro announced today that the company has reacquired the rights to the collection, allowing them access to such '80s classics as G.I. Joe, Transformers, My Little Pony, and yes, even Kanye West's favorite, Connect Four: The Series, which needs to immediately be released on DVD and copied to YouTube, so that I can see how a cartoon about lines of colored discs possibly worked without paying for it. I'm picturing sort of a Civil War military drama.
Jul 6 2007 Michael Bay Talks Smack
Bay and Rock at this year's skinny whiteboy convention
According to Deadline Hollywood Daily, Michael Bay posted (and then quickly un-posted) a mini-rant about two of his producers, Don Murphy and Tom DeSanto, trying to take credit for creative aspects of Transformers, despite having no input and not having actually seen the movie yet. Taking creative credit for a Michael Bay movie before you've even seen it? Dangerous. That's like rawdogging Paris Hilton and then bragging about not having herpes before you've gotten tested.
Anyway, this one's not nearly as interesting as Judd Apatow's email fight with the That 70's Show guy, but it is notable in that it has far fewer grammar mistakes than I would expect from the guy who directed Pearl Harbor.
But what made my blood curl [sic] was something that was on the Net with Tom at the Saturn awards on IESB.net where they interviewed him about the movie – a movie I might add he had not seen yet. He acted very much like he did. Check it out as he vamps through the questions, and how Hugo put his 'thumb print on it'. Give me a break, the guy was lying through his teeth - he had seen nada, nothing, until the press screening.
Jun 15 2007 New Transformers Poster
This new poster for Transformers makes it pretty obvious that Optimus Prime is just a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot they've painted some flames on.
Jun 7 2007 New Transformers Theme
Above: not the new Transformers theme.
If you thought Transformers was corny already, wait until you hear what ol' Mike Bay has done with the theme song. The good news is that it follows the motif of transformation associated with the title. The bad news is that it does so by transforming the theme into an unpalatable piece of rubbish. I mean, the theme was already pretty bad before, but at least the original Transformers made up for it with "The Touch," which is perfect for jogging triumphantly or making love.
Hear the new song by downloading it here, then unzipping it, then double-clicking that unzipped file, something called an mp3.
UPDATE: Someone made some kind of fan video with the new song here, if you don't want to bother with all the downloading nonsense. And YouTube took down "The Touch" music video, so here's some dude doing another rendition of the theme on a synthesizer. And it's still better than the new one.
Jun 4 2007 MTV Awards Transformers Clips
I have little doubt Transformers will be as obnoxious as the rest of Michael Bay's slow-motion, rotating-camera action things, but I can't deny that it's kind of awesome to see two giant robots fighting on the interstate, even if one does appear to be rollerblading.
See the other MTV Transformers clips under the cut, with thanks to Kooldude88 for uploading them all. We know what brand you're smokin', dude(88).
May 30 2007 Transformers to Premiere at Taormina
Michael Bay's ideas for the "skinny dipping scene" always seemed a little twisted.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Transformers will have its world premiere at Sicily's Taormina Film Festival. It's nice to see that some film festivals haven't forgotten what film festivals are supposed to be all about: giving lesser-known filmmakers the exposure they don't get at the multiplex.
It's kind of like me. See, I'm used to spending all day dating supermodels and not wearing pants. But every once in a while I'll throw on some pedal pushers and snog a hairlip or two, just to bring deformed smiles to a few faces. I'm like what Mother Theresa would be like if she could choke out a tiger. Wait, what were we talking about again?
May 17 2007 New Transformers Trailer
"You're not getting a Porsche, son. Just an enviable acting career and a lifetime of willing poontang. That's right, I said poontang. I'm old school."
Check out the new Transformers trailer from Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg. I guess Jerry Bruckheimer was too busy hating blacks to produce this. Maybe it will be good.
One note on the trailer: My dad refused to buy me a porsche on my 16th birthday too, and robot aliens didn't fall from the sky. In fact, all that happened was that he mysteriously died in his sleep. Don't look at me, I was doing pushups at the time. What, you think these guns grew themselves?
Bang said the gavel, case closed.
May 10 2007 Hi-Res Transformers Characters
If Andy Dick were a robot.
Yeah, so you think you've seen all the Transformers guys by now, but have you seen them in high resolution?! I didn't think so.
I don't really know very much about the Transformers, but at a glance I have to guess this guy above is probably one of the worst, and is probably frequently subjected to whatever the robot equivalent of a wedgie is.
May 4 2007 Michael Bay Ruins Cinema - New Pics!
The LA Times has two new pics from Transformers that are pretty underwhelming, but it also contains the news that the studio is already developing a script for the sequel.
I don't know about these guys. See, when I'm taking a dump, I know I've gotta be right there in the moment, focusing all my energy on the dump at hand, or rather, the dump at butt. What if I can't get part of the dump out? What if too much of the dump comes out too fast and I get splashback? What if I squeeze part of the dump out, get startled, and the rest of the dump goes back in my butt? These are important considerations, and I need all my wits about me to deal with them. I can't be thinking about tomorrow's dump, or the next day's dump, or a dump I'm gonna take two dumps from next Thursday. I just have to go out there and take it one dump at a time.
A sequel before the first movie's done? Jeez, you'd think these studio execs have never taken a dump before.
Apr 16 2007 Shia LaBeouf Coming to Your House, Banging Your Girlfriend
Shia LaBeouf is playing Indy's son in the next Indiana Jones movie. He's also the star of Disturbia, which took number one at the box office this weekend, and Transformers, the most talked-about Michael Bay turd since that time he clogged up the toilet at my sister's house. He was all like, "Sorry dudes! I think something must've crawled up in my guts and died!" We all had a good laugh at first, but then we had to call a plumber.
Anyway, I, for one, am happy for LaBeouf. But you know who's not? Sunnis. They hate seeing a Shia succeed.
UPDATE: According to IMDB, the Plot Keywords for Transformers are "Desert, Comic, Car Chase, Giant Robot, Romance". If Michael Bay made a movie about my life, the keywords would be "Adonis, Tijuana, Swordfight, DVDA, Nougat, Barn Owl".
Apr 16 2007 Prince of Persia Finds Director
According to IESB, Jerry Bruckheimer's big screen adaptation of popular video game Prince of Persia has found a director in the abominable Michael Bay. Though many hold out hope for Bay's upcoming Transformers, even giant robots can't wash the taste of Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and a couple of Bad Boys from my mouth, and I'm already assuming Prince of Persia will ruin the Arabian adventure genre and possibly make me racist. Yet I can't help but think that if they take the part of the video games where the prince can manipulate time, Bay will really nail the slow motion parts. And maybe any parts that include failed attempts at logic or romance, which Bay has shown exceptional aptitude for.
Apr 10 2007 Bratz Poster(z)
While Transformers may be the big blockbuster toyline-turned-movie this year, there's a sassier, brattier group of us eagerly awaiting another entry in this category. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout Bratz. In this first poster for the live-action adaptation, we see Shifty Brat, Suspicious Brat, Dead Eyes Brat, and Winksy Brat (may not be actual Brat names) doin' their thang. Right on, grrlz!
Bratz Fact: Though it's officially a poster, I use it more as an abduction catalog. Number 2, you're comin' with me.
Apr 3 2007 Transformers Fighting/Squatting
Yes, I'm just as sick of pictures of Transformers as you are. But these ones are of fighting or squatting something, so just suck it up. The rest of the new batch are here.
If you're still super-excited about seeing these, maybe you should enter this contest to determine who the top Transformer fan is. I think a good entry would be showing how you started driving a semi for a living because of Optimus Prime, and how you're really lonely and miserable now, forced to pee in jugs on the road and paying for sex with transvestites at rest stops. Go for the pity vote.
Apr 2 2007 Transformers TV Spots
If you're excited for Transformers, make sure to spend thirty seconds watching the new commercials (the other is here). It's amazing how smoothly the robots transform from their vehicle form, only bested by your father's smooth, gradual transformation from loving husband to alcoholic bastard within your relatively short life span. You can only blame yourself. He certainly does.
Mar 27 2007 Transformer Protect/Destroy Posters
In the new one-sheets for Transformers, we're given intense close-ups of the lead robot characters, reminding us that there's really no reason to ever provide close-ups of expressionless robot heads.
See emotionless Megatron (the bad guy) poster under the cut.
Mar 26 2007 Weaving and David Added to Transformers
The tricky thing about Transformers is that they are, as their tagline proclaims, more than meets the eye. With most of these characters, you'd swear they're just a normal car, a normal jet, a normal enormous cassette player, a normal robot dinosaur, and so on, but then a few seconds later you're looking at a big robot from space, and you're like, "Where did that come from?!"
Now it seems these robots are hiding yet another surprise: celebrity voices! According to AICN, Michael Bay's Transformers will feature the voice of Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, Lord of the Rings) as Megatron and Keith David (The Thing, voice of main gargoyle in Gargoyles) as Barricade.
Mar 6 2007 G.I. Joe Movie Planned with Wahlberg?
As the '80s toyline/cartoon series movie trend becomes the new superhero movie trend of Hollywood, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura has revealed that following the release of Transformers, he has plans to immediately begin work on a big-screen adaptation of G.I. Joe. Mark Wahlberg, who has worked with di Bonvaventura on Shooter and Four Brothers, is already being mentioned for the role of G.I. Joe team leader, Duke, a widely-acknowledged real American hero.
No word yet on specifically how this pleasant memory of childhood will be butchered, but I'm imagining the terrorist outfit Cobra will be altered to reflect current threats, possibly renamed Al Qobra, and I'm assuming Larry the Cable Guy will have a supporting role as the "goofy but dependable explosives expert who's always eager to 'Git 'er done.'"
Feb 21 2007 Transformers in Sweet Car Form
Low on gas mileage, high on transforming.
Moviehole has four new pictures of Transformers Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet, and Ironhide from GM's pre-Oscar fashion event in Hollywood. Strangely, the four heroes chose to never convert to their awesome giant robot forms during the entire event, leading me to speculate these may have just been some cars.
See the others under the cut.
Jan 11 2007 Megatron Can Dance
Here is a picture of Megatron, villain of the upcoming Transformers movie, finishing up his soft shoe routine. Ta-da!
