Aug 27 2010 Jeremy Renner in 'Mission: Impossible', Only It Might Not Be Called 'Mission: Impossible'

With the Tom Cruise brand becoming increasingly unmarketable, and the Tom Cruise man becoming increasingly pricey and nutcasey, rumor's been that Paramount was on the lookout for an actor to fill a protege role in the next Mission: Impossible sequel, so that maybe the next film in the series could be made sans Cruise. Now, it seems they have their guy: Hurt Locker star Jeremy Renner has signed on to co-star alongside Cruise in M:I4 with an eye on leading the franchise from then on, once he's learned how to properly dangle over lasers. The only thing is, the series might not even be called Mission: Impossible anymore, making the whole lead switch feel sort of pointless. Insiders told Variety the next film "won't be called "Mission: Impossible IV," saying, "It's possible that the title won't even include any variation of the familiar moniker." Why do I get the sense I'm being tricked into seeing Knight & Day 2: Male Diaz?

Jun 10 2010 That Les Grossman Film is for Real

Further evidencing that Tom Cruise is not at all a crazy person, the actor's recent statement that a film based on his Les Grossman character was in the works has now been confirmed as truth by Paramount, who releases a statement that's oh-so-preciously written as if Grossman is an actual human being, not a grinning maniac swathed in rubber. From Deadline:

Paramount Pictures and MTV Films announced today that they are set to develop a movie around mega-producer Les Grossman. The announcement comes on the heels of Grossman’s groundbreaking and visionary production of the soon-to-be Emmy® award-winning 2010 MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Tom Cruise, along with Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld of Red Hour Films will produce and have secured the life rights to Grossman.

Grossman, best known as a mega producer, has most recently mentored talents such as Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. In 2008, Grossman was introduced to the masses by Stiller in the comedy “Tropic Thunder” where the famed producer had a cameo playing himself. Said Ben Stiller: “Les Grossman's life story is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds. He has assured me he plans to quote, ‘F**king kill the sh*t out of this movie and make Citizen f**king Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”

When asked what the screenplay was about Grossman responded: “To quote my great friend Kirk Lazarus, ‘I don’t read the script, the script reads me.’” Adam Goodman, Paramount Film Group President said, "Everything I learned in this business, I've learned from Les. I started out as his assistant, and from the first day he threw his desk at me when I got his lunch order wrong, I have loved him like a father. I am forever grateful to Ben and Stuart Cornfeld and their ability to secure his highly-coveted life rights,"Tom Cruise is said to be in talks to portray Grossman in the film. Michael Bacall (“Scott Pilgrim vs. the World”) will write the script.

I wonder how long it will be until Tom Cruise stops chuckling and realizes he's the Urkel to Tropic Thunder's Family Matters.

Jun 7 2010 Tom Cruise Insists We Need a 'Tropic Thunder' Spin-Off

Having just reprised his fat-suited Tropic Thunder role for some extremely timely references on MTV, perfectly normal husband and father Tom Cruise now claims a feature film based on Les Grossman is in the works. When asked about the possibility, the completely reasonably-acting actor reportedly told E!, "We're working on it. Yup, we're working on it." Still have yet to hear any sort of confirmation from Ben Stiller, Justin Theroux, or anyone else you'd expect to be involved, but given Cruise's track record of completely lucid statements, who are we to question him? He's been right about psychiatry and aliens so far!

Jun 1 2010 Tom Cruise Back as 'Tropic Thunder' Guy

Because Tom Cruise loves reminding everyone that's he's a fun, cool, normal guy--HE'S NOT CRAZY--he's pulled out the fat suit and bald cap and revisited his Tropic Thunder character Les Grossman for some new MTV Movie Awards spots. Timely! Here's Les berating Twilight Werewolf, reminding Twilight Vampire girls love his filthy hair, and--in a move that I feel must be symbolic of something larger than all this--literally tearing off Tom Cruise's pants and spanking him:

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May 27 2010 'Knight & Day' Edited Down to What Must Be Every Action Sequence and Some Tom Cruise Being Tom Cruisey

20th Century Fox calls it a "trailer." Here it is:

Continue Reading " 'Knight & Day' Edited Down to What Must Be Every Action Sequence and Some Tom Cruise Being Tom Cruisey "

May 7 2010 T. Cruise Confirms Brad Bird Directing the Impossible Mission Movie

Confirming what the Internet Brain Collective already suspected, Tom Cruise recently told Empire Incredibles director Brad Bird will indeed be directing the next sequel in the Mission: Impossible franchise. And you can trust Tom Cruise, because he's at whatever thetan level makes you a truth-speaker. Seven, maybe?

Now time to see if my curiosity for what Bird can do with live-action can override my disdain for seeing Tom Cruise hang from wires.

Mar 30 2010 'Knight & Day' Trailer Recreates Your Favorite Alicia Silverstone Moment Outside of 'Clueless'

Ever since you saw them share the screen in Vanilla Sky, you've been anxiously waiting to see Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz recreate the sexy motorcycle straddling of the video for Aerosmith's "Amazing." Right? Good, because the makers of the spy action-comedy Knight and Day knew this, so they've briefly inserted it in this new trailer for you. Be warned, though: the weird virtual reality Ancient Egypt imagery that made that 1994 music video so bizarre has been replaced with Tom Cruise's crazysmug persona, which is actually just as bizarre but decidedly less watchable.

Jan 6 2010 Native American Werewolf Also Great Pilot

Your favorite Twilight hunk after the standard Twilight hunk is getting another big part. With studios insisting Taylor Lautner is destined to become our next Vin-Diesel-but-with-hair-and-a-human's-voice, Skydance Productions has entrusted the walking Bowflex ad to the lead in Northern Lights, a Top Gun-like tale of hotshot pilots, a love affair, and Tom Cruise. Lautner will play Muscular Hotshot Pilot No. 1; Cruise will play his rich, controlling father; Hotshot Lady Pilot Who Muscular Pilot Will Kiss has yet to be cast.

Deadline Hollywood notes Lautner will make $7.5 million for the part, making him a higher paid teen star than even Disney groomed TeenBeat stars Zac Efron and Hannah Montana. So whoever said you can't become a huge star solely by having a vacant stare, working out, drinking protein shakes, and playing second fiddle in an awful teenage girl-focused genre franchise, you were sure wrong! I don't know why you were wrong, but you were apparently wrong.

Dec 23 2009 'Knight and Day' Contains the Alpha and the Omega Cruise

Someone decided to take smarmy douche Tom Cruise from Jerry Maguire, super spy Tom Cruise from Missions Impossible, and Tom Cruise with assistance from Cameron Diaz from Vanilla Sky and cram all these distinct characters into a The Fly style telepod. This is the grotesque, single figure that emerged from the other side:

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Oct 13 2009 Pun Deemed Best Title for Cruise/Diaz Movie

The Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz romantic-comedy-action film once titled Wichita, née Trouble Man, has a new title. Variety reports 20th Century Fox has decided that Knight & Day is an even better title than either of those previous, completely unrelated titles.

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and guess that the lead characters' names are something like Tom Knight and Cameron Day, and that they're also comically opposite in personality? Is that close? Did I just write a movie? I think I did.

Mar 26 2009 Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in: Undefined Romantic Comedy

The Vanilla Sky re-teaming you never asked for is here:

James Mangold is attached to direct the untitled romantic comedy formerly known as "Wichita" and "Trouble Man" at 20th Century Fox. It's eyed as a potential pairing of Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.

Story revolves around a woman who has terrible luck with men but finds her path intertwined with that of a mysterious handsome man she meets on a blind date.

Chris Tucker and Eva Mendes were attached last year along with director Tom Dey, but that incarnation fizzled. The script was originated by Patrick O'Neill, and prior drafts have been done by Frank and Dana Fox, who wrote the Diaz starrer "What Happens in Vegas" for Fox.

"So, it's called Wichita. Or maybe Trouble Man. Both are equally applicable, even though the premise doesn't mention either Wichita or a trouble man. But there is a handsome man! You know, like a Tom Cruise type. Or Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker also would have worked as the mysterious, handsome man. Same archetype, Cruise and Tucker. Interchangeable."

You can tell a lot of thought has been put into this project.

Oct 31 2008 Final 'Valkyrie' Trailer Makes Hitler Assassination Fun

Here's the final trailer to Valkyrie, the Bryan Singer-directed, Tom Cruise-starring historical thriller about a German assassination plot against Hitler. The film looks well made, but I can't help but feel a lack of tension knowing that the plot fails (thanks for the spoilers, history). I hope, to keep things interesting, there's a second, "or what if THIS happened?" ending where we see the plan succeed and Hiter gets blown up. You know, just something tasteful, like the fuhrer sees the bomb and is like, "Ooooohhh shiiiiii--" and then you see an explosion as Tom Cruise rides up on a horse, Hitler's mustache floating gently in the sky (like that CGI feather in Forrest Gump), and Cruise says, "Let's get the heil outta here!"

Maybe for the DVD?

Continue Reading " Final 'Valkyrie' Trailer Makes Hitler Assassination Fun "

Sep 26 2008 'Valkyrie' Trailer is Good Enough to KILL HITLER

If you've been looking for a film full of Hiter killin', constant whispering, torturing mosquitos with cigarettes, and Tom Cruise's wild-(one)-eyed stares, Valkyrie is going to be your favorite. Check out the new trailer:

Continue Reading " 'Valkyrie' Trailer is Good Enough to KILL HITLER "

Sep 26 2008 'Valkyrie' Poster: Looks Like the New Season of 'Mad Men' Has Nazis

This is what you get when you MapQuest* "Tom Cruise, other stern men in suits."

*Never use Google Maps. You're always going to want that MapQuest.

Valkyrie Poster [IMPA]

Sep 4 2008 Tom Cruise Continuing Fun Role Streak with 'Shrek 4'?

Tom Cruise is rumored to be up for the villainous lead in Shr4k 4. See guys? You all thought Tom Cruise was a crazy, high-ranking member of a powerful cult capable of poisoning Katie Holmes both mentally and physically, but you sure were wrong. He's just a fun guy, who likes fun, and doing fun things, like fun bit parts in Tropic Thunder, and fun voices in Shrek. It's just like when everyone thought he was gay, and then, bam, next thing you knew he's having babies with a woman, proving people wrong again--almost as if his entire life is carefully orchestrated to keep him looking favorable in the public eye. But we all know Tom Cruise would never do something like that. He's just too much of a cool, laid-back, fun dude, who might be in S4rek.

Aug 12 2008 Jolie Replaces Cruise in 'Salt', Will Require Pronoun Overhaul

Hollywood is so progressive, man. Tom Cruise was going to star in this spy movie, but then Hollywood was all, "How about Angelina Jolie instead? Because gender does not matter, at least compared to how many adorable infants you've had on the cover of magazines, and Jolie's got that one in the bag." From Variety:

"Edwin A. Salt" is about to undergo a gender change.

Once expected to star Tom Cruise, the Columbia Pictures espionage thriller will be redrafted by screenwriter Kurt Wimmer as a star vehicle for Angelina Jolie. Philip Noyce remains attached as director and Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Sunil Perkash are producing.

Jolie is close to a deal to play the title character, a CIA officer who's accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence.

Thank god someone has finally broken through the glass ceiling specific to the movie Edwin A. Salt, which will now presumably be renamed something with a woman's name.

Jul 22 2008 'Top Gun' Next in Unwanted Sequel Queue?

The '80s revival craze is in full swing, and Hollywood is strangling away the last of your once fond memories with the legs of your acid washed jeans. Harrison Ford got another turn at Indiana Jones; Stallone reminded us that Rocky and Rambo both were of interest at one time; but what about Tom Cruise? With no two-decade-old franchise roles, will he be the only big star left in the dark, to finally experience the blackness of the tomb where he keeps his bride? Of course not. They'll just make a Top Gun sequel:

A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.

An insider said: "The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot."

Oh how the tables have turned, T.C.! Now you have to deal with a young female hotshot! It's like The Next Karate Kid, but more so! I just wonder how a female lead will affect all Top Gun's uncomfortably blatant gay undertones. But I guess Cruise has managed to maintain them through a marriage, so another two hours shouldn't be a problem.

Tom has a shot at a second Gun [The Sun] (Thanks, Adam)

Apr 1 2008 New Eye-Patched 'Valkyrie' Shots

Empire Magazine has some exclusive new shots from Valkyrie, Bryan Singer's mostly-true story of an assassination attempt against Hitler. In this shot, Tom Cruise (playing the depth-perceptionless Claus Von Stauffenberg) gets romantic with a certain criminal globetrotter (and occasional time traveler).

So do you think this minor disability will be enough to get Tom Cruise an Oscar nomination, or should have also had a peg leg or a lisp or something?

New Valkyrie Pictures [Empire]

Nov 8 2007 'Valkyrie' Trailer Showcases Smug Cruise

Man, I knew Tom Cruise had gotten pretty smug after acquiring a fake wife slave and a perfectly genetically-engineered infant, but I figured we'd hit a smugness plateau. It turns out, as the trailer for Valkyrie shows, it wasn't even close.

But what could possibly make Tom Cruise act more arrogant than sucking the soul from a promising young actress, breathing it into a fine porcelain doll, and parading around the results like a real family? Little more than a Nazi uniform, an eyepatch, and a sharply-parted and gelled perm.

Thankfully, such self-importance actually works for the role, in which Cruise plays a Nazi convinced he can take down Hitler and his regime with the help of Kenneth Branagh, Terence Stamp, Bill Nighy, and others that make Cruise look like the spring chicken he recalls in his daily viewings of Top Gun. Bryan Singer might have a winner on his hands.

Valkyrie Trailer [Yahoo!]

Nov 7 2007 'Valkyrie' Featurette Now High Quality

Astute readers, and those obsessed with Entertainment Tonight, may realize this featurette for Valkyrie was already released on ET and posted a month ago. But this new version has two distinct advantages:

First, it does not contain a preamble by Mary Hart or the ear-shattering theme music that announces to your neighbors the shame of you watching Entertainment Tonight.

Second, this version is much higher quality (even available on the fabled HD format!), allowing you to really make out the details of Tom Cruise as a happy pirate nazi, which will clearly be the next big internet meme once people get sick of robot zombie unicorns.

Valkyrie Featurette [Apple]