Mar 16 2009 More Exciting Word Choice Proves Effective for 'Race to Witch Mountain'

The box office this weekend:

1. Race to Witch Mountain - $25 million. My primitive mind found this version much more exciting than the original because the word "escape" had been switched to "race". You know--like RACING?

2. Watchmen - $18.1 million. Audience numbers dropped 67% this week following accusations that some male audience members were "looking." Dude, I was so not looking. You were looking.

3. The Last House on the Left - $14.7 million. Not everyone wanted to see a guy's head cooked in a microwave. Why would that be?

4. Taken - $6.7 million. Seriously, have you been TAKEN? I'm going to keep asking until you are.

5. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - $5.1 million. I can't be the only one waiting for Tyler Perry's Madea's Le Trou.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

Mar 9 2009 Hey, You Watched the Watchmen -- Congratulations

Your weekend box office results:

1. Watchmen - $55.7 million. The non-stop barrage viral marketing wasn't enough to push Zack Snyder's latest past his previous March opener, 300, which had no viral marketing except the promise of some dudes fucking some other dudes up and someone getting foot-pushed into a hole. Now we know what brings in the crowds.

2. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - $8.8 million. I thought its reverent faithfulness to the Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail comic mini-series doomed the visually lush film to mediocrity. What did you guys think?

3. Taken - $7.5 million. Have YOU been taken? If not, get on it; it's been a month-and-a-half and you still haven't been taken. Hurry up and get taken.

4. Slumdog Millionaire - $6.9 million. Sales spiked when a 3rd grade teacher came up with a field trip plan that would allow her to both catch up on her movie viewing and teach the kids oxymorons.

5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $4.2 million. You thought you saw the last of Blart? Think again. You will never see the last of Blart. Blart is forever omnipresent. You can only define the universe as having more or less Blart at any given time.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

Mar 2 2009 Old Woman Going to Jail Still Our Best Movie Concept

Your weekend box office results:

1. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - Tyler Perry's $16.5 million. Where will Madea go next? Only Tyler Perry's Brain knows.

2. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience - $12.7 million. Did people not realize this was a concert EXPERIENCE? It's not just three religious brothers in tight pants and rolled-up jackets singing for people who Tivo the Disney Channel; IT'S AN EXPERIENCE.

3. Slumdog Millionaire - $12.2 million. Is this the Oscar movie? I've been wanting to see that Oscar movie with the Indian fellows! Is this it?? I know it was dog million-something! I think this is it!!

4. Taken - $10 million. Have you been Taken?

5. He's Just Not That Into You - $5.9 million. Has he not been that into you?

Also:

8. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li - 4.7 million. Maybe a third try at a Street Fighting movie will be the charm.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

Feb 23 2009 Madea's Criminal Activity Does Not Diminish Her Fan Base

No one dared go against the power of Tyler Perry's Thing this weekend, and T.P. made the most of it:

1. Tyler Perry's Mades Goes to Jail - $41.1 million. Just when I thought nothing could make the concept of prison scarier than this, Tyler Perry has to throw his cross-dressing persona in there too.

2. Taken - $11.4 million, thanks to continued word-of-mouth that "Liam Neeson is fucking badass in this thing."

3. Coraline - $11 million. Can we let Henry Selick make more movies yet? He should be the stop-motion Pixar by now.

4. He's Just Not That Into You - $8.5 million. The first couple weeks of this film's success were due to its impressive star power. Now it's just sad ladies without friends hoping for answers on whether or not a guy is into her.

5. Slumdog Millionaire - $8 million. Even when it's safe money, no one wants to bet on a horse they haven't seen running.

Weekend Box Office [Box Office Mojo]

Feb 16 2009 Your Valentine's Weekend Movie Favorites

After spending nearly $35 at Olive Garden, you still managed to see these movies this weekend:

1. Friday the 13th - $42.2 million, because murder makes for a great Valentine's date movie.

2. He's Just Not That Into You - $19.6 million, because male disinterest also makes for a great Valentine's date movie.

3. Taken - $19.3 million, because paternal vengeance makes for a great Valentine's date movie too.

4. Confessions of a Shopaholic - $15.4 million, because, in case you didn't know, the confessions of a shopaholic make for a great Valentine's date movie.

5. Coraline - $15.3 million, because stop-motion animation involving buttons replacing eyeballss--you guessed it--great for a V-Day date.

Not particularly good for a Valentine's date? International bank conspiracy.

Feb 9 2009 He's Just Not That Into Seeing 'Push' This Weekend (Nor Was Anyone Else)

Here's what you were paying to see this weekend:

1. He's Just Not That Into You - $27.5 million, and he's not into you because you're into seeing awful romantic comedies opening weekend.

2. Taken - $20.3 million, only dropping 18% despite the controversial ending where it's revealed Liam Neeson's daughter was never kidnapped; he just didn't have reception when she was calling, and it turns out the entire movie is an AT&T commercial.

3. Coraline - $16.3 million. That might go up next week when Neil Gaiman fanatics aren't busy being dressed up as Sandman for a comic convention.

4. The Pink Panther 2 - $12 million, but imagine how Steve Martin would pronounce that as a French guy! It would probably be really funny.

5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $11 million. One more weekend should push it over $100 million, and one more year should push it permanently out of our minds (until Paul Blart: Standard Cop).

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

Feb 2 2009 Liam Neeson Kicks the Crap Out of Everyone

Your box office report, sirs and madams:

1. Taken - $24.6 million. Now you know: never take anything from Liam Neeson.

2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $14 million. I'm starting to think Kevin James might have a shot at stealing the Blockbuster Comedy Go-To Fat Guy crown. Jack Black, watch your back.

3. The Uninvited - $10.5 million, barely beating a three-week-old movie about a hotel that is for dogs.

4. Hotel for Dogs - A mere $8.7 million, keeping its total gross a distant second to the other recent movie about an orphaned genius inventor named Bruce.

5. Gran Torino - $8.6 million. The eighth week of an old racist man drama easily beat a new Renee Zellweger romantic comedy (8th). That just blew up the Hollywood system.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]