Feb 13 2009 'Star Wars with Thumbs' Idiot Doing Stretching Freak Movie

Steve Oedekerk, the genius behind Kung Pow and all those parodies where thumbs re-enact famous movies, is writing a film adaptation of Stretch Armstrong, that stretchable, brief-wearing toy. What a miserable thing:

Universal Pictures has set "Bruce Almighty" scribe Steve Oedekerk to write "Stretch Armstrong," a superhero comedy based on the Hasbro-owned toy.

The project marks the latest Hasbro property to find its way onto the Universal development slate since the toymaker made an overall deal at the studio. U and Hasbro are readying movie transformations of Monopoly (a potential Ridley Scott directing vehicle), Candyland (with Etan Cohen scripting and Kevin Lima directing), and Ouija (being developed by Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes).

The toy, a 13-inch, blond-haired muscled figure whose limbs could be stretched to nearly four feet, was launched by Kenner in the '70s. He had a dog named Fetch Armstrong, and a sibling, Evil X-Ray Wretch Armstrong. Attempts to turn him into a movie stretch back to 1998, when Disney tried to make the film with Danny DeVito and later Jackie Chan.

If this thing doesn't start with ten minutes of bored stretching and end ten minutes later with amateur, child scientists dissecting him for his secrets, they are not being true to the character. That's The Dark Knight version of the character people want. Though I think what I'm more curious about are these other misguided Stretch Armstrongs Variety mentions. Jackie Chan's CGI arms coiling around a criminal would have made a great double-feature with The Tuxedo.

Feb 20 2008 Universal, Hasbro Announce Bad Idea Partnership

Universal Pictures and Hasbro have announced a six-year partnership that will produce at least four films based on the following games: Monopoly, Candy Land, Ouija, Battleship, Magic: The Gathering, and Stretch Armstrong. Aside from Ridely Scott's inexplicable involvement in the Monopoly project, very little is known about how the properties would be developed into feature films. So how about I pitch some ideas?

Ouija - A group of gullible teenagers attribute a string of recent murders to a ghost, only to find out it was just their asshole friend doing it. (Note: This should be made in Asia first, then remade here.)

Clue - A wealthy mansion-owner invites a group of similarly affluent guests over to watch Clue.

Battleship - A hotshot naval commander attempts a daring new formation of lining up his fleet in a row along the border. This fails, but the young leader still finds victory after the enemy can't find his f***ing destroyer.

Monopoly - A light-hearted gathering erupts in argument; the film ends abruptly.

Stretch Armstrong - This movie (and toy) should never be made, but will star Jim Carrey and a lot of low-budget CGI.

Candy Land - A band of outcast teenagers find themselves in a colorful, candy-coated world where their movements are dictated by color. It turns out they're just really, really high.

Magic: The Gathering - An exciting battle between a powerful orc shaman and a dwarf paladin suddenly becomes dull when someone realizes it's a card game.

Any other/better ideas? It seems like the Magic movie should work in woeful virginity, but I'm not sure how.

Universal rolls dice with Hasbro [Variety]