Feb 10 2009 Awful Acting, Writing, Action Confirmed in Case of Seagal v. Vampires
The Steven Seagal versus vampire freaks movie, Against the Dark, was released on DVD today. You probably bought it on your lunch break and have been staring at it all day just dying to get it home. You should have taken a sick day for it. So here's a little Seagal snack to help you out: a clip in which people casually deliver eye-rolling dialogue, then Seagal shoots a freak with a shotgun. I get the impression it was meant to be a chase scene until Seagal went off script by refusing to show any weakness. "I know you wanted me to run here, but my acting instincts were telling me to mutter something indecipherable and fire a weapon."
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Dec 19 2008 Steven Seagal v. Vampires Trailer
Vampires have overrun humanity, and our only hope lies in the skilled hands of a specially-trained team led by our last remaining master swordsman, Steven Seagal. The outcome of such a match-off should be obvious, but here's the trailer for a film on the subject if you have any lingering doubts:
Oct 2 2008 Seagal Would Do 'Under Siege 3: Aliens of the Arcane Arts'
While out promoting Best Buy's Geek Squad (yes, that's something he does) and probably DracuLAPD, a surprisingly modestly-dressed Steven Segal mentioned to MTV that he's considering a third Under Siege movie. And if you're an aspiring screenwriter hoping to pen the script for him, he offers this advice: make it more modern! By which he means, how about throwing in some magic or aliens or something?
“I personally want it to be something more modern,” said Seagal, giving us his thoughts on potential storylines. But it’s one specific angle that will probably have fans intrigued, to say the least.“In other words,” Seagal began, “I wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or…maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”
Or, in other words, Steven Seagal doesn't know what the word "modern" means, but would guess it's something like "Indiana Jones-esque."
Sep 23 2008 Steven Seagal's 'Vampire Cop: DracuLAPD' Looks Pretty Good
Or maybe it's something called Kill Switch? Whatever. The important thing is: where the hell did Steven Segal's ponytail go? How long have we been going without that, and why did no one tell me? I thought that's where he kept his powers, like a modern day Samson.
Images from Steven Seagal's 'Kill Switch' [Cinematical]
