Mar 16 2009 Classic Japanese Battle: Spider-Man Versus Professor Monster
As anyone who's looked through Chip Kidd's bizarre and hilarious Bat-Manga knows, giving the Japanese full control of mainstream American comic superheroes inevitably leads to madness. Watching their vision of the characters is like remembering a dream where, once lucid, you realize you got almost everything wrong. Case in point, Japan's '70s Spider-Man series, which, having been fed through the Sony Japanimizer, bears more than a passing resemblance to Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Here's the trailer:
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Sep 30 2008 Dunst is "In" for More 'Spider-Man' in a Completely Unofficial Capacity
For nearly a month, Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire have had their arms stretched to a center point, their hands overlapping, their eyes expectedly affixed on co-star Kirsten Dunst. Would she pile her hand into the center, say "I'm in" for a couple more Spider-Man movies, then do that thing where everyone in the hand-pile throws their hands up and cheers? She totally did, dudes! From MTV:
“I’m in,” said [Dunst] matter of factly.
Yessss! The old gang is back! Except that she quickly backtracked:
However, when pressed to make the announcement official, Dunst quickly changed her tone, and rather cryptically added, “I’m not saying anything, I know there’s rumors…”
Honestly, I wouldn't mind if they pulled a Katie Holmes-to-Maggie Gyllenhaal-style switch and replaced Dunst with someone else. While I'm not necessarily that opposed to her, she's clearly the most useless, easily-replaceable member of the cast, and someone else could be filling the role just as well if not better. If Spider-Man were a car, and you took it in one morning to get your Kirsten Dunst replaced, the mechanic would have it done by your lunch break. "Yeah, you were right about that noise: it was your Dunst. So I yanked 'er out, threw a Michelle Williams in there. Should be fine."
Sep 17 2008 Tobey Maguire Getting Well Reimbursed for Pretending to be Superhero
Sony is reportedly ready to pay Tobey Maguire $50 million to shoot Spider-Man 4 and 5 back-to-back, plus grant him mornings and evenings off to spend with his young daughter. From Times Online:
In a victory for working fathers in Hollywood, the actor Tobey Maguire has been granted “family time” with his young daughter as part of an unprecedented deal to star in the next two Spider-Man movies.Maguire was willing to shoot Spider-Man 4 and 5 back-to-back over six months next year but insisted he should take early mornings and evenings off so he could play with his “favourite blonde”, Ruby Sweetheart, who is 22 months old.
This arrangement does not sit well with Steve McQueen's wife Barbara, who for some reason was asked about it:
Some critics have mocked the current generation of Hollywood actors as “boy-men”. Steve McQueen’s widow Barbara said she could not imagine him asking for “family time” when making The Great Escape.
Firstly, why are you, Steve McQueen's widow Barbara, addressing the issue of if Steve McQueen is more manly than Tobey Maguire? Even if we assume for a moment that it's not plain to everyone that Steve McQueen is obviously manlier than Tobey Maguire, who gives a shit? Who is comparing Bullitt to the weird kid from Wonderboys? Did she call someone to say this? Did someone call her? I can't figure out why I would ever see the words "Steve McQueen's widow Barbara" if I'm neither reading an article about Steve McQueen nor Steve McQueen's widow Barbara.
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Aug 28 2008 L@@K: You Can Be in 'Spider-Man 4,' Assuming That's Still Happening
Want to be a part of history? That history being an uneven superhero movie franchise, and that part being the role of an extra? You're in luck! For only $5,100 (for now), you'll be the top eBay bidder for just such a prize: a walk-on role in Spider-Man 4, a movie that, as far as I know, has no director, stars, or script. But that's not all you'll get for the same price as supplying much-needed medicine for an entire village. You and a guest will also enjoy:
* A visit to the set of Spider-Man 4 (one shooting day) o Location of visit will be determined by Sony Pictures based on scheduling of visit * A meet and greet with the cast (1 hour) * A walk-on/ extra role in the film for the auction winner only o Role and length of screen time to be determined by Sony Pictures * Trip to the New York premiere o Location of American premiere may be changed at Sony Pictures’ discretion * Designer outfits to wear to premiere for winner and guest from top designers o Designers to be chosen by Sony Pictures o Winner and guest may keep the outfits * Winner and Guest will walk the premiere’s red carpet
Also, all the proceeds will support Stand Up To Cancer, a cancer research non-profit organization, and they promise to totally give you A+++++++++++++++++++ feedback. GET BIDDING.
May 29 2008 Next Spider-Man Will Probably be from a Cameron Crowe Movie
The life of the Spider-Man franchise has been a lot like the life of a fruit. It began meagerly, green but full of potential, then ripened into a delicious maturity. But sadly, by the time we got to the cafeteria and opened our lunchbox, it was already spoiled, dark, soft, and full of superfluous villains and dancing. Time to toss it out. Except Sony, the weird kid at lunch who sits by himself, approaches: "Were you gonna throw that out? 'Cause I'll totally eat it; that's how I like them. I might even stretch this thing out to tomorrow's lunch, too."
What I'm saying is that because Spider-Man 3 made the most money in a weekend of anything ever, Sony seems pretty intent on making one or two more of these things. Fourth and fifth installments of the franchise are rumored to be in the early makings, and lending credibility to these claims is the ">new rumor that some names are already being mentioned to replace the departing Tobey Maguire: Patrick Fugit and Michael Angarano, both of whom played the lead at different ages in Almost Famous. Weird, huh? More Spider-Man casting rumors to come as Sony executives finish watching the Almost Famous DVD!
UPDATE: Yikes--already refuted! From IESB:
Head of Media Relations for Sony/Columbia Pictures Steve Elzer told the IESB today that the Fugit story is 100% false and added, "No one is being considered for the role but Tobey. Period."
So even if Spider-Man 4 is bad, it will also be familiarly so, I guess.
Apr 11 2008 Read Michael Chabon's 'The Amazing Adventures of Peter Parker'
In a divergence from their more-standard "If _____ wrote _____" pieces examining the wackiness of if someone wrote something they didn't, McSweeney's has posted "If Michael Chabon wrote the Spider-Man 2 Script", which is a divergence because he actually did write a complete draft (and received a shared story credit). So download the screenplay, and decide for yourself whether it was a good idea to pass on the majority of a Pulitzer Prize-winner's draft in favor of a 73-year-old guy's revision. Seems like a sound idea, but perhaps not?
A Proposed Screenplay for Spider-Man 2 [McSweeney's]
Jun 27 2007 Sam Raimi is Nerd Baiting
Sam Raimi never let a receding hairline stand in the way of his desire to grow emo bangs.
In an effort to further smear mud on the retainers of everyone who criticized Spider-Man 3 for having too many villains (oh shit, I was one of those people, wasn't I?), Sam Raimi now says he'd like to see Spider-Man 4 with, like, six villains.
I would love to see Electro, Vulture, maybe the Sinister Six as a team.
Honestly though, I wouldn't read too much into this. Despite what the dorks on the other movie blogs are spitting about this, the source article they're quoting from is basically about Sam Raimi saying nicely that he's not coming back for a fourth Spider-Man. So when he talks about the number of villains that might be in it, he's just talking out his ass. Kind of like the time he told me my utility belt was just an extra long red vine and that my loin cloth had fallen off. Yeah, sure buddy, whatever you say.
May 17 2007 Spiderman DILF
Grandma's basement will never be the same.
Yesterday Fox News ran a story on this whorish (and Marvel-licensed), pink-thonged little collectible of Mary Jane from Spiderman, and how it had the blogosphere "up in arms."
"The statue represents a big step backwards for those concerned about the state and future of comic books," said some fruity nerd when he was taking a break from blowing dudes.
Honestly, is the blogosphere ever "down in arms"? Righteous indignation is standard operating procedure.
Coming soon: the Japanese version of this doll with vibrating, self lubricating vagina hole that comes with a pair of pre-worn schoolgirl panties.
May 7 2007 Spider-Man to Fight Carnage, Lizard, Apathy
Nerd Boner News Hour:
As superhero movies go, Spider-Man 3 may not be X-Men 2, but it's not exactly Daredevil, either. Still, the idea that I'm reporting on the villains spidey will fight in the next movie before anyone knows whether the director or any of the stars will be back makes me want to take a clearasil shower.
Dylan Baker, who apparently is the one-armed college professor who has appeared briefly in all of the Spider-Man movies, will become the lizard-like villain known cryptically as "Lizard" after injecting himself with reptilian DNA in an attempt to re-grow his missing arm, while Carnage is a serial killer named Cletus Kasady who comes into contact with some of Eddie Brock's "symbiote" goo in prison just before my mom caught me masturbating to Counselor Troi and made me go to the doctor to get dandruff medication.
Apr 26 2007 Spiderman Doesn't Need You, Sam Raimi or Anyone Else
SKEET SKEET SKEET all over your face, bitch.
Sam Raimi isn't sounding like he wants to do anymore Spidermen, but the studio plans to keep milking this cash cow until the cream you're putting in your coffee isn't cream anymore, but some sort of pus-like goo, or foul smelling dust, or... until it's whatever comes out a dead heifer's teat, really. Guess we'll have to wait till your mom dies for the answer to that one, eh? ZING!
Wait, what's that? Your mom's already dead? Cancer, you say? Ooh, my bad. I'm, uh, I'm sure she was a very special lady.
If Raimi, Maguire and Dunst decided against it, "then I'll be making `Spider-Man' movies," Pascal said, with other actors and filmmakers. "We will continue to make them at the studio."
Since 2002's blockbuster "Spider-Man," Raimi said he had known precisely what he wanted to do with each succeeding chapter. With "Spider-Man 3" wrapping up key conflicts from the first two films, Raimi said he has no story in mind to continue the saga of young Peter Parker and his superhero alter ego.
Apr 23 2007 Spider-Man 3 May Be Most Expensive Movie Ever
I've spent that much on rims alone, dawg.
As the release date for Spider-Man 3 grows nearer and nearer, talks of the exorbitant cost of the film have started to turn up, now saying the film may have spent over $300 million on production alone, making it the most expensive movie ever made (not counting the cost to society, which makes Deuce Bigelow 2 the most expensive). Execs and producers worry this could become the norm, making a $200 million picture the standard, drawing funds from other projects. On the plus side, it means my as-yet-undeveloped script, Static Shot of Man Burning One Billion Dollars in Small, Controlled Fire, is that much closer to production.
Apr 20 2007 Bono, Edge, Spiderman: WTF?
Oh Spiderman, how long must we sing this song?
I can't believe the news today
Get ready for "Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical."
Oh I can't close my eyes and make it go aw-aaaaaayy...
Marvel Studios is putting the pieces together for a musical on the Great White Way starring the popular superhero, which will be directed by Tony winner Julie Taymor, with U2's Bono and the Edge creating new music and lyrics for the project."
And today the millions cry....
Apr 17 2007 Sam Raimi Taking Over The Hobbit?
Speaking to Entertainment Weekly, Sam Raimi revealed that, as rumored by rumor-mongers, he may be taking over the Lord of the Rings franchise to direct The Hobbit. Said the filmmaker:
Peter Jackson might be the best filmmaker on the planet right now. But, um, I don't know what's going to happen next for me right now. First and foremost, those are Peter Jackson and Bob Shaye's films. If Peter didn't want to do it, and Bob wanted me to do it — and they were both okay with me picking up the reins — that would be great. I love the book. It's maybe a more kid-friendly story than the others.
This news may put a fourth Spider-Man in peril, as Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst have already expressed reluctance in continuining the series, particularly if Raimi won't be involved. Luckily, either decision the director makes will leave nerds with the chance to elaborately dress up as the characters and scare the shit out of normies.
Apr 4 2007 Spider-Man 3 Quad Posters
Prepare the landscape button on your printer, because the quad-style posters for Spider-Man 3 have been released. And yes, that is a lens flare. Apparently there's some sort of "photo shop" where these types of awesome effects can be created.
Mar 23 2007 Final (so they say) Spider-Man 3 Trailer
From the That '70s Show series finale.
Yeah, there's another Spider-Man 3 Trailer. This is either the tenth or eleventh, and if you need more Spider-Man crap, there are the roughly 1,500 posters. If you ask me, this entire story of a teenager being bitten by a radioactive spider, granting him the powers of the creature... a bit implausible.
For some reason Comcast is hosting this trailer, so be sure to sign up for a premium cable package while you're there. If you don't have HBO and Showtime, you don't have television. I'm hoping they'll pay me for saying that.
Mar 19 2007 New Spider-Man 3 international poster
This is the new international Spider-Man 3 poster, though it's basically the same as all the other Spider-Man 3 posters. I just wish they'd come up with some new ideas. Ya know, like instead of having black Spider-Man face red Spider-Man just have it be of a giant picture of Wolverine.
Mar 14 2007 Venom Fights Spider-Man
Those worried that Venom would only appear at the end of Spider-Man 3, never to fight our hero, will be glad to see that the two do see a screen battle together. Now let's never mention it again.
Mar 7 2007 More Spider-Man 3 Venom Crap
Venom is now available as the above sex doll.
Ain't It Cool News has a collection of new Spider-Man 3 images, mostly of different stages of Venom's transformation, from the Art of Spider-Man 3 book. Some of the art includes models of makeup effects and sketches of character designs. Others define art with a much looser definition, such as a photograph of Topher Grace with fishing line tugging on parts of his face. Still, most dads will agree, it's more art than that "melting clock bullshit" or "whatever-the-f*** with the soup cans."
Mar 6 2007 Spider-Man 3 Full-Scene Madness
Last night, NBC gave Howie Mandel a brief respite from commanding women to open briefcases to provide the geek community with over seven minutes of new footage from Spider-Man 3. It opens with scenes of Peter and Mary Jane canoodling in a web and Peter and Aunt May discussing marriage and her dead husband. This is what I refer to as the "p**** section," because enjoying this section too much means you're definitely a big puss. The proper response is to roll your eyes and mutter that you hope this is building up to something exciting. Man alive, is it! The latter half of the footage, hereafter referred to as "awesome fighting section," is exactly what it sounds like, featuring a mid-air battle between Peter Parker and Harry Osborn as whatever his x-treme sports-style derivative of the Green Goblin is.
If the above link goes down, it's available at NBC.com until 9:00 PT tonight, after which it will be available for $25 as a third-generation VHS dub from a freak at a comics convention.
Mar 2 2007 New Spider-Man 3 Art
With just a couple months left until the big release, Sony has released some new Spider-Man 3 artwork. They're worried that with all the other posters and trailers and crap out there, we might somehow not understand that this black shit covers him and gives him a new suit. So take a look at this airbrushed creation of Spider-Man having black shit cover him and give him a new suit.
Additionally, there will be a few minutes of footage shown during and immediately after this Monday's Heroes that will hopefully give us a clue as to if Spider-Man gets covered in any black shit and/or gets some sort of new suit.
