Oct 20 2009 Never Invite Kanye West to Your Club
We already knew he was a nuisance at awards shows (remember when that thing happened???); now this Spike Jonze short demonstrates how Kanye West is also a terrible guest at night clubs. Turns out the guy will get soused and makes a huge mess in your bathroom:
Sep 17 2009 Lars Von Trier Hates It When You Talk During Films
Don't you hate it when people in tuxedos try to tell you about their business investments while you're trying to watch a movie and wear a tuxedo? Tell me about it! Director Lars von Trier hates it too, and made this short, Occupations, to discourage the activity. More specifically, it discourages talking in theaters by showing a businessman blatantly hitting on a drunk-to-the-point-of-near-vomiting von Trier. Also, I'm fairly certain it violates Dogme 95 rule #6 (The film must not contain superficial action (murders, weapons, etc. must not occur)):
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Jul 13 2009 'Treevenge': The Flora Vengeance Portmanteau You've Been Waiting For
Just in time for your Christmas in July celebrations: Treevenge, Jason Eisener's gory, grindhouse-esque, 15-minute Christmas-tree-revenge film is now available for online viewing thanks to TwitchFilm. No safe for workplaces that would frown upon watching a sentient tree finesse a branch into a woman's mouth, out her eye, into a guy's eye, out his mouth, and back into her mouth, and then making them kiss:
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Jun 10 2009 'Partly Cloudy': All Life is Created in the Hands of the Cloud-Gods
Don't tell your Pixar attorney dad, but Partly Cloudy, the short film that precedes showings of Up, has found its way online. Show it to your kids to perpetuate the myth that storks deliver babies; confuse them further with the notion that thunderstorms are created when omnipotent cloud-gods have friend break-ups with their co-workers!
This should unteach some science:
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May 29 2009 Here's Your Short: Bill Engvall, Gunfighter
The Blue Collar Comedy Tour: it came, it went, it rode again and again until, thankfully, it closed on a third tour-of-duty and its ostensibly lunchpail team dispersed to spread wage-working laughter individually.
Jeff Foxworthy, the patient zero of redneck comedy, famously went on to interrogate adults about their knowledge of elementary school trivia. Larry Cable Guy, meanwhile, has fulfilled his promise to git r done, taking on a movie career that has included providing the voice of Mater in Cars and the voice of bigoted, hilljack ideology in Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and most recently Witless Protection, while the lesser known Ron White is apparently busy getting into legal trouble for various smoking-related violations.
Which brings us to Bill Engvall, the comedian whose "here's your sign" routine delivered countless "I'm stupid" signs to anyone who dared ask him a rhetorical question. What's he been up to, aside from his beloved self-titled TBS sitcom? I'm glad you asked! He's in an eight-minute short with Machete's Danny Trejo! And yes, there's a trailer that's nearly a quarter of the length of the film:
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May 4 2009 Viggo Mortensen Lookalike on 'The Hunt for Gollum'
It's the year 3009 of the Third Age. Middle Earth has been at relative peace for hundreds of years. But now the great shadow has grown stronger in the East, and the time has come for Guy Who Looks Kind of Like Aragorn and Man Reminiscent of Gandolf to hunt down Pseudo-Gollum and fight some orcs in lesser-scale, understandably budget-restricted battles.
Such is the premise for the upcoming 40-minute short The Hunt for Gollum, a professionally-made but probably illegal fan film set in the world of the Lord of Ring. There's a trailer:
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Apr 27 2009 'Partly Cloudy' Shots: What, You Didn't Know Baby Delivery Storks and Cloud Men Hung Out?
Judging by this gallery of stills from Partly Cloudy (thanks Flex), looks like Pixar has decided to walk straight out of the WALL-E/Johnny 5 controversy into a Cloud Guy/Mr. Bubble-Ziggy-Blobfish scandal. If only Buddy Hackett were still with us to provide the voice.
Apr 27 2009 Stork Baby Delivery System Introduced to New Generation
Here's a clip from Pixar's Partly Cloudy, the new animated short to be shown before screenings of Up. The preview reveals almost nothing but the premise, but you can already tell it will be charming. Storks delivering babies is always such a cute concept until you see the Dateline that exposed the massive, bloated Queen Stork in her mucus-filled birthing chamber:
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Apr 14 2009 Michel Gondry Peddling New, Desirable Wares
Michel Gondry has a new DVD of music videos and crap he's done! Available only on his website, the collection promises three-hours of videos and behind-the-scenes documentation all unique to this release. If it's anything like his Director's Series release, this disc should be ideal for zoning out, watching for creative inspiration, playing in the background while talking with friends, and/or experiencing surreal entertainment in attention-deficit-sized 2-5 minute segments. A lot of the music videos can probably be found online with enough clicking on internet, but sometimes you just want to sit down and listen to a full album, not play DJ, you know? Metaphorically.
And while you're at the site, for an extra $20, you can also get a personalized portrait sketch from Gondry. I got one for buying his comic at MoCCA last year, and now I can say a genius director sees me as a weasel-faced monster. Recommended.
Mar 6 2009 Saturday Morning Gaza Strip Issues
Sorry to get so heavy on you again (first urban horse cruelty, now this!), but Yoni Goodman, one of the animators of Waltz with Bashir, made this short about Israel oppressing the peoples of Gaza, and here it is. If you don't want to get into the politics of things, just pretend it's about giant, magic hands being assholes.
Dec 9 2008 'Tokyo Mater' Stills Not as Dirty as Hoped
Starting this Friday, prints of Bolt will come with the new Pixar short film Tokyo Mater attached. The digital 3-D short focuses on Larry the Cable Guy Truck from Cars telling a fabricated story that leads to a drift-racing competition--which The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift's title tells me is a very popular racing style in the region.
Coming Soon has posted the first shots from the short, and there's one more below the cut. I Watch Stuff takes no responsibility for whatever resulting ads/spam for Hot Tokyo Mating Services you may encounter.
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Nov 14 2008 Pixar's 'BURN-E' Short Makes Me Want a Welding Robot as a Pet
Get it while it lasts: Pixar's new short, BURN-E, which is being included on the WALL-E DVD. The animation company is known for being able to inject personality, humor, and pathos into any character, but I think this takes it to a new level. I never thought I'd see a white box affixed to a wall so vividly, non-verbally communicate a "fuck you" (4:30 in particular).
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Oct 15 2008 Zack and Miri Make a College-Level Art Film
Since when do directors make short tribute films to other films that haven't even come out yet? We're doing that now? OK, fine. Here's something Tony Kaye made to promote Mean Magazine and Zack & Miri Make a Porno (I think?) starring Elizabeth Banks and Seth Rogen as wacky, abstract interpretations of whatever quotes came up when Kaye googled "sex quotes":
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Sep 17 2008 Maybe 'xXx 3' Will Be About Extreme Skin Grafting
When xXx: Hey, Xander Cage, which was the name of the main character, is back! was announced last week, several commenters were quick to point out that in xXx 2: Ice Cube, it's revealed that Vin Diesel was killed on a mission. But did you guys realize that on the director's cut of the DVD, there's a horrible short film where you can see the actual death of Xander (as portrayed by a suspiciously silent body double only shown from behind)? You probably didn't, because no one buys the xXx director's cut, but if you had, you'd have seen Xander enters a building, and then the building explodes! And if you're thinking he could have made it out, you're way off. How do I know? Because the section of neck flesh that bears the xXx tattoo is blown clear of the debris and held up to the camera! Insanity:
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Sep 2 2008 Meet the Guy Who Makes Floating Head Movie Posters
Ever wonder who makes all those movie posters where actors' faces float like the night's precious fireflies shaped like Morgan Freeman's head? It's all the work of Mr. Gavin Berliner, and here's a short documentary about just how he does it, and how Hollywood's decision not to use his 17-headed Crash poster probably cost the film a second Best Picture Oscar.
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Aug 28 2008 'Rain of Madness' is Free on the iTunes
Rain of Madness, a documentary parody of Apocalypse Now documentary Hearts of Darkness chronicling the making of Tropic Thunder (the fake Tropic Thunder within real Tropic Thunder, obviously) is now available for free on iTunes. It sounds like a thick, mucusy wad of meta I can't yet bear to swallow, but you can check it out here. I'll probably just wait for the fake book within a book.
Aug 21 2008 Vin Diesel is the Woody Allen of Car-Driving Movies
When a series is daring enough to document the lives of those who are both fast and furious, then amp it up to too (2) fast/(2) furious, take it to Tokyo, then make it conceptual by presenting "fast" and "furious" as non-specific ideas, changing characters and cars throughout the saga, the possibility exists that some viewers may get lost between chapters. Luckily, Vin Diesel is directing and starring in a 20-minute prequel to the upcoming Fast and Furious that will bridge the gaps:
Vin Diesel, who stars in next Friday's Babylon A.D., told ComingSoon.net today that he is directing a 20-minute prequel to Fast and Furious, the fourth installment in the Universal Pictures franchise.Diesel will star in the prequel along with Michelle Rodriguez reprising her role as Letty and Sung Kang returning as Han. Diesel didn't say how the prequel would premiere; it could be on a DVD, online, TV, etc.
The fourth movie is a sequel to the first installment, and though Diesel didn't elaborate, we assume this 20-minute prequel will tie-in some of the events from the second and third movies. Rodriguez appeared in the first movie, Sung Kang in the third, and Diesel in the first with a brief cameo in the third.
This sounds an awful lot like a Star Wars: The Clone Wars of the Fast/Furious series. Very bad, I mean. It won't be good. It will be bad.
Jun 19 2008 Preview of 'Presto', the Short Airing Before 'WALL-E'
Still wondering if you should show up to WALL-E carefully-calculated five minutes late, thus avoiding the traditional Pixar short that precedes the film? Here's a tenth of it for you to judge and decide! And yes, the idea of a preview for a bonus short before a feature is as absurd as you're thinking it is. We're nearing the point of having commercials for commercials.
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May 8 2008 'Green Porno' is Best Garden Sex Series I've Ever Seen
Time to update my records: amputee beer baroness whose legs have been replaced by glass beer canisters is no longer my favorite absurd Isabella Rossellini role. Since the release of Sundance's Green Porno yesterday, that coveted award is now a toss-up between sadomasochist hermaphroditic snail and bang-happy fly.
The series of shorts is a look at the world of insect sexuality, with Rossellini donning the costume of various bugs as she bluntly explains the means by which each species would procreate. Besides being an entertaining, informative lesson on how bugs get it on, it's also, more valuably, a perfect example of how "edutainment" can work. Namely, if it's done as an anus-obsessed, Michel Gondry-inspired, entomological porno.
Watch all eight of them here. I think the snail one is my favorite, but only because the spider one is too reminiscent of things I've seen on the subway.
May 6 2008 'WALL-E' Teaches Children More Horrible Lessons in Trash Collection
The issue with Pixar's latest character, WALL-E--a robot that collects trash--is that videos like this one, in which he interacts with a pair of discarded headphones, teach kids that it's alright to play with refuse. How long until some kids pick up a set of headphones with a hypodermic needle inside, and instead of hearing a jaunty tune, they're greeted by the haunting voice of a psychopath: "Welcome to the world of cute robot AIDS," he says, before revealing he also has a hook hand.
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