Oct 2 2008 Hayden Christensen Signed to Act Wooden in Three Movies
You're hanging out with your friends. You're all bored, looking for something to do. Someone thinks it might fun to watch those newer Star Warses again; someone else suggests you get some beer. You're having a good time, tossing a few back--next thing you know, you're waking up next to a vomit-covered three-picture contract you apparently signed with Hayden Christensen, and you're like, "Man, when did we do that?"
It happened to Clint Culpepper, and it can happen to you (provided you, like Culpepper, are president of a film studio):
Screen Gems has made a three-picture deal with Hayden Christensen.The deal adds two more pictures to the thesp's Screen Gems slate, following "Bone Deep," the John Luessenhop-directed crime drama that began lensing in September.
Pact calls for Christensen to bring the studio projects that he finds with Tove Christensen, his brother and partner in Forest Park Pictures.
"Hayden is a very talented and versatile actor with a proven worldwide box office history," Culpepper said.
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
Apr 8 2008 'Emma' to Step Up 2 a New Adaptation
Watch this music video for Lil Mama's "Lipgloss" and what's the first thing you see? A strange tale of a topical psychoactive lip drug? The question of "what you know about [Lil Mama]" drawn out over four minutes of clapping and stomping? Someone rhyming "crushes" with "crushes"? That's why you aren't a powerful movie producer. If you were Screen Gems' Clint Culpepper, you'd see "Lipgloss" for what it really is: inspiration for a hip-hop reimagining of Jane Austen's Emma to be renamed Emme. Because that's apparently more "urban".
According to Variety, the film will center around a stepbrother and stepsister and feature no less than 15 song and (presumably competitive) dance numbers. And since it's a Screen Gems picture, you know you can expect the same standards of quality you saw in Stomp the Yard and You Got Served (i.e., being forgotten among all the other hip-hop competitive dance films).
Screen Gems set to remix 'Emma' [Variety]
Jun 13 2007 The Big Chill in Blackface
"Who wants to freestyle?"
Screen Gems, a company responsible for more turds than...uh...a guy...that's, uh, always crapping, will be remaking The Big Chill.
The movie will likely be retitled, but the original script by [Lawrence] Kasdan and Barbara Benedek will be used as a template; the storyline will be contemporized and the cast will be African American. The remake will stick closely to the original storyline, in which seven college friends reunite over a weekend at a South Carolina house for the funeral of a pal. As they get reacquainted, they become introspective about how their lives turned out.
One can only assume the remake will be called The Big Chillin', or Chillin' With Big, or Big Momma's House, or Stomp the Funeral, or I'm Lovin' It...
Okay, that probably went too far. Do I have to go apologize to Al Sharpton now?
