Oct 15 2009 New 'Did You Hear About the Morgans' Poster: Still No 'American Gothic' Recreation

Come on, this is just being stubborn now. We all know any film about a couple who doesn't belong in the country will eventually be advertised with an image of said couple imitating American Gothic. For Richer or Poorer knew it. Son in Law knew it. I've been waiting for it since the film was announced. Let's just get it over with. Don't make us wait for the DVD to get our cliché fulfillment.

The Poster for Did You Hear About the Morgans [ComingSoon]

Sep 24 2009 'Did You Hear About the Morgans?' Trailer: They're City People in the Country!!!

As you may have learned from Yin-Yang tie dye shirts and trite movies about the universe maintaining a delicate balance between light and dark, the universe must maintain a delicate balance between light and dark. For every good, there is an evil, etc.

You probably knew that, but did you realize the same principle applies to clichéd fish-out-of-water comedies? There must always be equilibrium between outsiders coming to the big city and city folk stuck in the country. For every Crocodile Dundee, we need a Crocodile Dundee II; for every Tim Allen in Jungle 2 Jungle, a Tim Allen in For Richer or Poorer; for every Elf, a Renee Zellweger is: New in Town.

What I'm getting at is that we should be expecting a new naive bumpkin-in-the-city comedy soon (Barbie, perhaps?), because there's this now:

Continue Reading " 'Did You Hear About the Morgans?' Trailer: They're City People in the Country!!! "

Sep 14 2009 'Did You Hear About the Morgans?' Poster: New York Ends Where Ted Nugent Begins

Well, looks like I was wrong in my prediction that this high-concept comedy--about a New York power couple who witness a murder and get moved to Wyoming by the Witness Protection Program--would have a poster depicting Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker "recreating American Gothic but holding cell phones and a purse-sized dog while a mafia guy lurks in the background." Somehow they've come up with something even stupider.

Still though, I can't wait for the scene where SJP screams, "My hair!!!" It will be because something from the country got in her hair.

Feb 24 2009 Nothing is as Simple as Black and White With SJP Around--Particularly Not Shoe Choices

Did you know that, in between playing vapid, designer brand-obsessed characters, Sarah Jessica Parker also works on poignant racial dramas? Or that her face is capable of shattering glass? I had a hunch about the latter.

Really though, what is this?

Spinning Into Butter Poster [IMPA]

Oct 31 2008 Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker in a High Concept Rom-Com!

Under no circumstances are you to ever pay to see this movie:

Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant are in negotiations to star in an untitled Marc Lawrence-helmed romantic comedy for Columbia Pictures.

Thesps would star as an estranged high-powered New York couple who witness a murder and are placed in a witness-protection program in a small Wyoming town. Lawrence penned the screenplay. Film would mark the third time Grant has collaborated with director Lawrence on a romantic comedy, after "Music and Lyrics" and "Two Weeks Notice."

OK, I've spent like an hour thinking about what this untitled project could be called, and I've got nothing. There have to be puns to exploit, but I can't come up with them. Mountaintop Manhattanites? Hidin' in Cheyenne? I've got nothing. I figure the poster would be the two of them recreating American Gothic but holding cell phones and a purse-sized dog while a mafia guy lurks in the background, but as far as titles go, I've reached a barrier. Someone help me with this.

Jun 26 2008 Sarah Jessica Parker to Play Uppity Manhattanite

Sarah Jessica Parker is being typecast! No, not as a horse (ha! because she has an equine-esque head!), but as a gravely familiar, single, fashionable female living in Manhattan's Upper East Side for The Ivy Chronicles. From the Hollywood Reporter:

The actress is in talks with Warner Bros. to star in "The Ivy Chronicles," a story of class and the single woman in contemporary New York. It centers on Ivy Ames, an Upper East Side woman who, after losing her high-powered job and getting divorced, starts over again in a less ritzy downtown apartment. After pulling her children from private school, Ames starts a business to help upper-middle-class women get their children into elite kindergartens.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone; SJP has a history of following up her famous roles with eerily similar subsequent roles. Let's remember!

1984-: Sarah Jessica Parker takes a role in Footloose alongside Kevin Bacon, only to later take numerous other roles in films that, through referencing other films with shared actors, can also be connected to Kevin Bacon.

1986: Following up on the part of army brat Janey in 1985's Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Parker spends the entirety of the following year having fun.

1987: Having played a friendly intern in Disney's family science fiction film about a boy abducted by an alien spaceship who returns to find that eight years have passed on Earth, Parker next takes a role in a TV movie as an isolated woman opening herself up to find love. Coincidence? I think not.

1989: Parker follows up the role of an awkward teenager on Square Pegs with another geeky high school role, playing the role of Steve Urkel for nine seasons of Family Matters.

1997: After marrying later-Inspector Gadget star Matthew Broderick, Parker becomes a polygamist, predictively marrying Inspector Gadget 2's French Stewart and the voice of Don Adams.

See? It only makes sense.

Apr 28 2008 'Sex and the City' Poster: Carrie Streetwalks in a Couple Ways

This image of Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw--her chiseled head a drifting longboat in a sea of hair, her sinewy frame shrouded in the pelt of Grover, her shopping powers growing since her acquisition of the Chanel Talisman of Fashion--is only made tolerable by the knowledge she will soon be hit by a cab.

Final Sex and the City: The Movie Poster [First Showing]

Mar 6 2008 'Smart People' Poster, Because Smart People Play Scrabble

I realize that letters cut from a New Yorker might feel too ransom-notey, but is Scrabble really the best way they could find to identify "smart people"? Since when is Scrabble a game of the intelligentsia any more than Monopoly is the game of wealthy real estate moguls and pewter schnauzers? Maybe it's just me, but I think of Scrabble more as the game for those who have lost their electricity, and need some way to entertain their visiting parents without the aid of CBS's primetime lineup.

And why are they pretending that's Dennis Quaid in the jacket? We can all see it's obviously Steve Carell reprising his role from Little Miss Sunshine.

'Smart People' Poster Premiere [Cinematical]

Feb 26 2008 'Sex and the City' Extended Depression Trailer

Non-stop conversations about men, clothes, and "fairy tale endings", a mobile phone descending like a gun in a John Woo film, a Winnebago of camp, Sarah Jessica Parker--I must be watching the new Sex and the City trailer, though I'm not sure why. If you've been waiting for that special preview that would be as grandiose as Carrie's fantasy closet ("a really big closet," she explains), here it is. Plot elements revealed include: Carrie is marrying "Big", but is more about concerned with making big/"Big" puns than the actual wedding; the dark-haired one has an asian child that she grooms like a chimp; ostrich-like one's husband may have cheated on her, and she has pubic hair; and, most surprisingly, a sultry Don Henley cover is the official soundtrack of a wealthy, stylish menopause.

Thanks, Diina.

Extended Sex and the City Trailer [Jezebel]

Feb 11 2008 AM Poster Post: 'Smart People' Continues Trend

I really thought I was kidding a few months ago when, following the posters for Knocked Up and Strange Wilderness, I declared white text on sickly green with a diffused spotlight point as the new trend in comedy posters. Besides being nauseating to look at, it seemed far too specific to be a legitimate trend. Well, as you can see above, it turns out it's very real and very, very green. Now what?

Smart People Poster [IMPA]

Jan 17 2008 'Sex and the City' Poster Fills Rhinestone, Pun Quotas

I'm sorry it's low resolution, but I needed to post what will clearly be the most apt poster of 2008. Nothing embodies the spirit of Sex and the City like terrible puns and a dense coating of rhinestones. I mean, seriously, "Get Carried Away"? It's almost too good. Only "Carrie On My Wayward Mare" could have made me any happier.

'Sex and the City' Movie Poster [Just Jared]

Dec 7 2007 'Sex and the City' Trailer Set in Post-Apocalyptic Fashion-verse

After a three-year hiatus that left us with a hole in our hearts the shape of a horse's head, Sarah Jessica Parker, the old slutty one from Mannequin, the one with brown hair, and the ostrich-looking one have returned to screens to talk about men and, you know, date and wear stuff.

I appreciate that it provides a vision of exactly what it would look like if Sarah Jessica Parker's torso was consumed by a flower, but did we need to see her clad only in underwear and a cardigan? No. No, we didn't. Warning: it looks like the corpse of a reverse-centaur at a Victoria's Secret show.

An insincere thanks to everyone who sent this.

Continue Reading " 'Sex and the City' Trailer Set in Post-Apocalyptic Fashion-verse "

Oct 2 2007 'Sex and the City': Now with Dreamgirl and Pervert!

Personally, I'm not a fan of Sex and the City, but I do respect that it gives menopausal woman an outlet for their latent fantasies. I pray such a thing will exist when I'm 40, depicting middle-aged men engaged in lightsaber battles, miracle football plays, and sex with strippers. Until that show arrives (likely sponsored by Maxim magazine), PopSugar has provided a dose of shots from Carrie Bradshaw's newest venture into intercourse in a metropolitan setting. Finally you can see whoever it is from Dreamgirls and a chubby, bald, more-Jewish Pee-Wee Herman.

Carrie and Stanford Reunite On The Set While J Hud Hearts Her New Life [PopSugar]

Sep 26 2007 'Sex and the City' Cast Patrol Streets

Time to choose the most valid caption for this image!

a.) After years of waiting, the four stars of Sex and the City reunite on the streets of their celebrated city.

b.) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

c.) A standard, non-apocalyptic horse-man being led by well-dressed ladies.

d.) A horse et al.

PS: If I haven't made this clear, I think Sarah Jessica Parker has more horse head than The Godfather.

All Four Ladies on the Sex and the City Set [ComingSoon]

Sep 20 2007 'Sex and the City' Spoilers: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T WAIT!!!

May 30, 2008, after years of anxious waiting, audiences will be treated to what may be the most anticipated movie in history, Sex and the City. On that date, the television show that took the artfulness of Citizen Kane and added shopping and screwing will finally reach theaters, from which it will be drastically edited and shown on TBS.

But if you're like me, YOU CAN'T F'ING WAIT THAT LONG! What is going on with with Mr. Big and Carrie??? Why don't you let me tell you! Here are some hot details, which may spoil the plot but not nearly as much as the show has spoiled society:

- The long-infertile Charlotte (Kristin Davis) is now pregnant! In a scene shot Thursday morning on the corner of 70th & Lexington at a restaurant called Luni, Charlotte and Big are coming out of the restaurant when Charlotte's water breaks. She tries to hail a cab, when Big throws her in his car.

- Big and Carrie are moving in together and they are apartment-hunting in NYC.

- Carrie and the girls discuss men and sex through a series of poorly-written, unrealistic conversations.*

- Carrie discovers that the name "Big" applies less to his sexual organ, more to his enormous collection of Big memorabilia, in a scene where Mr. Big demands, "F*** me on this giant toy keyboard, in front of the innocent eyes of the fortune telling machine!"*

- Samantha (Kim Cattrall) is revealed to be an animate mannequin.* Also, an enormous slut.

- In the final scene, it's revealed that the entire series was taking place in the mind of an autistic child. A really shallow, slutty autistic child.*

*unconfirmed.

'Sex and the City' Is Back [OMG!]