Jun 10 2009 Cohen Picks 'Medieval' Over Several Xs

Visionary director Rob Cohen, the man who brought us such classics as The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Stealth, and The Fast and the Furious, has signed on to direct the period action film Medieval. But as there can be only so much happiness in the world at any time, such a surefire joy comes at a terrible cost:

Cohen has backed out of reteaming with Vin Diesel on "XXX: The Return of Xander Cage" for Sony. Instead, he has signed a deal to helm an event-sized action film that Cohen calls "The Magnificent Seven" in the Middle Ages.

"It was a tough decision about 'XXX,' " Cohen said. "I talked to Vin over the weekend and said I hoped they would wait, but that if they find another director who's right for the sequel, I certainly wouldn't be angry. But I could not let something like this go."

As if anyone else is "right" for the sequel, Rob. When xXx uses a BMX bike to escape an exploding volcano's lava flow, there is only one man with the wisdom and maturity to say, "Cut! Let's do it again with more lava--and can we rig it so that the explosion knocks off Vin's sunglasses and then he catches them further down the volcano?" What a sad day for xXx-philes.

Cohen gets 'Medieval' for New Regency [Variety]

Aug 5 2008 'The Mummy 4' Will Probably Be a Thing

Is critical lambasting and moderate attendance by bored audiences who already saw Batman considered "reponding well"? Because if it is, director Rob Cohen warns there will be a fourth Mummy, and that would be terrible. From MTV (Mummy 3 spoiler alert!):

Brendan Frasier as an immortal hero up against an immortal villain is just one of many ideas “Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” director Rob Cohen wants to explore in another installment of the blockbuster series, he told MTV News, insisting that a fourth installment is all but guaranteed if audiences respond well to “Mummy 3.”

“Rick, because he was treated by the pool of eternal life, Rick is now immortal. I’d love to explore how that plays out for him,” Cohen said. “Another spoiler, Jonathan [John Hannah] winds up with the artifact in this film and he doesn’t realize, nor do we, what its powers are. In my mind, that artifact still has a lot of prizes in it, the eye of Shangri La, this big diamond.”

Alright, so a mummy-based Highlander does sound like kind of a fantastic idea, but I don't think it's worth it if the trade off is having to imagine Brendan Frasier as an immortal. It would make me too sad to think of him, the last survivor of our long-dead society, his final wisps of hair drifting to the ground as he outlasts the glue affixing them, quietly chuckling to himself as he remembers a particular scene from Monkeybone. And besides, we all know it would be, like Mummy 3, very bad.

Then again, I have an opening in 2015 for watching something terrible on TBS at 3 in the morning, so fuck it, let's make this thing. Skateboard Mummy Seal of Indifferent Approval: granted.

Jul 16 2008 'Monster Squad' Remake Will Ruin Your 'Wolfman's Got Nards' Quoting Sessions

Seeing as how "destruction of any and all pleasant nostalgia" has become a veritable genre in recent years, I've made up a generic template to make it easier for me to post the most recent studio attempts at recreating our childhoods with CGI and sadness. Here's the latest:

Hey, remember that show/movie/toyline you enjoyed as a child, Monster Squad? Well, bad news. It's being re-made into a movie by Rob Cohen, director of xXx, Stealth, terrible things. Here is a related quote:

“The Wolfmans got Nards! What a great line" Cohen jokes with Bloody-Disgusting. "I am talking with Paramount about the ownership rights, we just found out that because of all the different companies being bought and sold, (it was so hard to do) but we believe all the rights are back at Paramount. I have been waiting to finish this (third Mummy) film, to really start the talks about remaking it. Maybe I would direct, maybe someone else with me producing. I really think highly of that that film…I mean, how great is it with The Mummy, the Wolfman, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula, Frankenstein they all were in it! It would be a prime remake!”

Time to go quietly sob in a hand-dug hole!

Rob Cohen Talks 'Monster Squad' Remake [Bloody Disgusting]

Oct 23 2007 First Shot of Jet Li in Mummy 3 is Astounding

When I heard Jet Li was going to have a role in the mummiest movie of the coming year, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, I couldn't wait to see what kind of villain the actor would portray.

Would he be a Wrath of Khan-style cunning mind bent on vengeance to Brendan Fraser's nearly-retarded adventurer Kirk? More of a sadistic madman Joker to Fraser's boobish Batman? A perfectly-matched foil, like Moriarty to an idiot Holmes?

Oh. It turns out he jumps around doing martial arts. I suppose that makes sense.

Jet Li in The Mummy 3 [Rob Cohen's Blog]

Oct 19 2007 Go Behind-the-Scenes to Envelope Edge on 'Mummy 3'

Hearing director Rob Cohen speak so seriously about his filming techniques and methods for inspiring actors in The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor reminds me of a child wrenching a Pac-Man joystick while the screen flashes "insert coin." Should someone tell him?

My favorite quote: "That's what I like to do is push the edge of my own envelope and, hopefully, the envelope envelope." No doubt you will, Rob. With you at the helm, a third Mummy is less a film, more a cultural revolution, particularly in regards to the edge of the envelope envelope.

See said edge below the cut.

Continue Reading " Go Behind-the-Scenes to Envelope Edge on 'Mummy 3' "

Oct 3 2007 'Mummy 3' Director Delivers Unsolicited Images

On his blog, RobCohenTheMummy.com (which sounds like a sad The Mummy fan's AOL screen name), director Rob Cohen has posted some images from The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. As the name implies, the film hopes to capitalize on the vague American interest in Asian culture created by Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirts and Chinese lanterns by introducing Jet Li as an Asian mummy.

Above is the first image of Maria Bello as Evelyn. If you're anything like me, your reaction will be "who's Evelyn?" It turns out that was the role Rachel Weisz mercifully dropped after the first two Mummies. You probably know the part as "the big buffoon's British idiot girlfriend."

More can be found on Cohen's site.

THE JET HAS LANDED [Robcohenthemummy.com]