Oct 15 2009 'Red Riding' Being Remade, Just in Time
Red Riding, a British adaptation of David Peace's Red Riding Quartet, aired on Channel 4 as a three-part miniseries in March. That was like seven months ago, though--that shit is old!--and, even more offensive, it stars Britons! Yuck! Who wants to see them!? Their voices are slightly different than mine!
Luckily, Columbia Pictures understands the need for recent British works to be immediately, senselessly remade with marketable American stars I'll recognize, so they're doing just that:
Columbia Pictures has acquired rights to remake the U.K. miniseries "Red Riding," and is negotiating with Steve Zaillian to write the script and Ridley Scott to direct.The miniseries is a study of power and police corruption framed around the investigation of the disappearance of several young girls. For the pic, the setting will be transferred from Britain to the U.S. The mini clocked in at more than five hours, so Zaillian and Scott have their work cut out for them to compress it into one film.
Hey, that sounds like it would be a pretty good movie if it were to take place in locations I can more easily locate on a map! But, ugh, Ridley Scott is directing? I'm not sure he's quite right for the project. He just seems so... you know. Can't we get a Bay in here for this? Each frame of his films are like American flags waving their explosions with national pride.
Sep 24 2009 New 'The Fly' Iteration Coming From Experienced Fly Hands
Welp, someone is remaking David Cronenberg's The Fly, which was itself a remake of a 1958 sci-fi film. Curious who would be so daring as to remake David Cronenberg's 1986 classic? David Cronenberg is remaking David Cronenberg's 1986 classic, The Fly:
The auteur is in talks to develop a reboot of the 1986 classic with Fox, the studio that released that film, writing and potentially directing the new pic.The move marks an about-face for the Canadian director, who in the past has said he did not want to be involved on a remake of the film. Cronenberg did work on an opera version of "The Fly" that was staged first in Paris and then in Los Angeles.
I suppose this will do until I figure out how to get the remake I really want: The Metamorphosis, re-written by a reanimated Franz Kafka (updated with advanced modern punctuation). That would just be tops.
Aug 21 2009 Bryan Singer to Re-Document Europe's Greatest Sword
Bryan Singer, the man working a confusing reimagining of Battlestar Galactica that disregards Sci Fi's already-reimagined Battlestar Galactica, has announced his intentions for further remaking:
Warner Bros. and Bryan Singer are unsheathing "Excalibur," redoing the 1981 John Boorman movie about King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable.The project is still in the early stages, with Warners only tying up the remake rights, which it shares with Boorman. Singer's involvement is still in the talking stage and Legendary Pictures may come aboard the project.
The 1981 movie starred Nigel Terry as Arthur and Cherie Lunghi as Guenevere and featured early performances from Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart and Gabriel Byrne. The movie told the well-known myth, in a gritty and dramatic fashion, of the young man who draws the sword Excalibur from a stone, is mentored by Merlin, establishes Camelot, loses his wife, Guenevere, to his best friend, Lancelot, and engages in the quest for the Holy Grail.
Now, I don't understand legal mumbo jumbo (I understand it so little that when I say "legal mumbo jumbo," I shake my hands around and kind of make a goofy face, to show how little I understand it), but it seems weird that you'd need the rights to remake Excalibur. Isn't the plot straight-up Arthurian legend? I'm pretty sure you could remake Excalibur and just not tell anyone you've remade Excalibur and, unless you used the exact same script, probably no one would call it out. And if someone did, just say, "Actually, no, this is not a rip-off of Excalibur; my film is influenced by the '90s animated series King Arthur and the Knights of Justice, only I took out the part where Arthur and his knights were all high school football players from the future."
Aug 20 2009 'Yellow Submarine' Resurfacing to Become a Lurid 'Beowulf'
With Beatles music and likenesses coming to RockBands everywhere next month, allowing me and other talentless idiots to scream into a microphone and pretend we're playing some of the most popular and enduring songs ever written, whoever it is that now has control of the band's rights have decided they might as well dilute the Beatles brand a bit further. Disney and Robert Zemeckis are working out a deal that would allow the motion-capture-loving director to direct a remake of the psychedelic animated classic Yellow Submarine. From Variety:
The studio has been quietly brokering a complicated rights deal that would give Zemeckis access to 16 original Beatles songs for a movie he will direct in the performance-capture 3-D digital production format he employed for “A Christmas Carol.” Disney opens that film November 6, with Jim Carrey playing Scrooge as well as the three ghosts who haunt him in the Charles Dickens tale.The hope is to have "Yellow Submarine" ready to premiere around the 2012 Summer Olympics, which begins July 27 in London.
I can't wait to see how Zemeckis will take these already creepy character designs and make them even more creepy by adding another dimension, lifeless eyes and spotty skin textures.
But I guess this is a good way to show kids in today's drug culture what the previous generation's drug culture was like. It hasn't always been glowsticks, kids: there was a time when the colors themselves were ridiculously bright!
Aug 19 2009 'Dirty Dancing' Remake Time
In these modern times, is Baby still safeguarded from corner placement? Time to find out! Production Weekly has revealed that Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 Patrick Swayze/Jennifer Grey/Laws & Order's Jerry Orbach film about dirty dancing, Dirty Dancing. Meaning all those other movies where a guy and girl fall in love while scandalously dancing haven't been remakes of Dirty Dancing? I just assumed at least a few were.
With a remake of Footloose also in development, people who like to for some reason pretend that dancing is still considered lewd or taboo in any way have a lot to look forward to! Let's hurry up and get this in theaters so that Conan O'Brien can ironically demand its re-release in ten years.
(via Coming Soon)
Aug 19 2009 Another Remake You Didn't Ask For: 'Outland' Comes Again
Sensing there was still a film that had not yet been pointlessly remade, Warner Bros. and Hollywood Gang Productions have hired Michael Davis, director of Shoot 'Em Up and 100 Girls, to direct a remake of the 1981 film Outland (which itself was basically a sci-fi remake of High Noon, adding another level of ridiculousness):
The redo will be written by Chad St. John, who scripted the WB drama “The Days Before,” which Hollywood Gang is producing.The drama revolves around a police marshal stationed at a remote mining colony on Jupiter's moon IO, where a cop uncovers a murderous conspiracy endangering the entire Outland with collapse. The cop’s a week away from retiring and returning to Earth with his wife. He must choose between walking away or taking on a private army with his overachieving ex-partner and wife’s former boyfriend.
I suppose it was only a matter of time before they made it to the Sean Connery sci-fi catalog. Hurry, we need to hide Zardoz before someone throws Gerard Butler in a bright red diaper.
Aug 5 2009 'Orphanage' Getting Remake, Adding English
The Orphanage, one of the few notable horror films in recent memory that wasn't a sequel or remake, is being remade! Producer Guillermo del Toro has hired Larry Fessenden to write and direct the film and give the dated, 2007 concept new relevancy by replacing all that pesky Spanish dialogue with good ol' English.
Word of remake is typically a sighing occasion, but this could turn out alright. Like Orphanage director Juan Antonio Bayo, Fessenden was hand-picked by del Toro, and he's no stranger to genre films, having directed, wrote, produced, edited, and acted in a huge list of horror films you've probably never seen (unless you rent anything with the word "wendigo" on the cover, in which case you've seen two of his films).
The film industry's plan to make everyone scared as shit of orphans and their habitats is nearly complete.
Jun 18 2009 Guess the Next '80s Remake/Sequel/Nostalgia Murder! (Hint: Think Lycanthropy and Adolescence)
Yup. "Too" just wasn't enough.
Full story at Moviehole.
Apr 27 2009 Long Live the New New Flesh: 'Videodrome' Remake Coming
The immediately-dated cinematic possibilities of someone pushing their face into a YouTube clip are so wretched it's almost impossible to resist, and so Ehren Kruger, writer of the new Transformer, The Ring, The Ring Two, and the straight-to-video Rings, has made plans to write and produce a remake of the David Cronenberg's cult classic Videodrome:
Universal Pictures will remake the 1983 David Cronenberg-directed thriller "Videodrome," with Ehren Kruger set to write the script and produce with partner Daniel Bobker.The original "Videodrome" starred James Woods as the head of Civic TV Channel 83, who makes his station relevant by programming "Videodrome," a series that depicts torture and murder that transfixes viewers.
The new picture will modernize the concept, infuse it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller.
Just like with this new Tron, it seems like the decades of added perspective and semi-fulfilled technological predictions will be both a benefit and a detriment to any proposed remake. The world is closer to Videodrome concepts in 2009, and as such, the remake would enjoy a certain gravity and renewed relevance through its social commentary. However, at the same time, these ideas are no longer so prophetic today, so doesn't that render the basic concept of Videodrome a little flaccid and redundant?
Bear in mind, my skepticism in no way means I'm not looking forward to seeing how modern effects would achieve the film's epidermal cancer gun. I'm just a little concerned a CGI-rendered vagina-Blu Ray player might lack the corporeal horror and shame of the original's practically-created lady-part-VCR.
Universal to remake 'Videodrome' [Variety]
Apr 23 2009 Cyclops Will, if Necessary, Slam Bear Traps on Intruders
Home Alone for adults has its star. James Marsden has been cast as the lead in Rod Lurie's remake of the 1971 Dustin Hoffman classic Straw Dogs:
James Marsden will star in Screen Gems' reimagining of the 1971 thriller "Straw Dogs" being written and directed by Rod Lurie.The new "Straw Dogs" follows Los Angeles screenwriter David Sumner (Marsden), who moves with his wife to her hometown in the deep South. Once there, tensions build in their marriage and old conflicts re-emerge with the locals, leading to a violent confrontation.
The original, co-written and directed by Sam Peckinpah, saw Dustin Hoffman in the role of Sumner, with the story set in rural England.
Both films are based on the book "The Siege at Trencher's Farm" by Gordon Williams.
Alright, that works. Now might I suggest the Blue Collar Comedy Tour crew as the savage locals? Those guys breaking into a home, Bill Engvall violently wielding "your sign" of his "Here's your sign" bit fame, would be so terrifying. And who wouldn't want to see Larry Cable Guy get hot oil thrown across his face and exposed arms? Get THAT done, mofo! Standing ovation time.
Mar 11 2009 'Death at a Funeral' (2010) to Re-Invent 'Death at a Funeral (2007)
Chris Rock has astutely noticed that Frank Oz's 2007 comedy Death at a Funeral was not made this year and does not take place in an urban American setting, and he's out to fix that (via A.V. Club):
Chris Rock is set to star and co-write "Death at a Funeral," a re-imagining of the 2007 comedy, for Screen Gems and Sidney Kimmel Entertainment.Aeysha Carr will write the script with Rock for a comedy inspired by the SKE-produced original, which was written by Dean Craig and directed by Frank Oz.
Plan is for an ensemble comedy about a funeral ceremony that leads to the digging up of shocking family secrets, as well as misplaced cadavers and indecent exposure. While the original was set in Britain, the new film will take place in an urban American setting.
How closely the Hollywood model resembles the format of my friends and I wasting most of a night playing old Mega Man games. As soon as one guy finishes their attempt, someone else is already swatting at the controls claiming they can do better, only to usually fare much worse. The main difference is that, when Hollywood does it, the result is too often a two-hour waste of time; with us, it's still a wasted two hours, but at least we finally end the tyranny of Gemini Man.
(Thanks, Will.)
Chris Rock rolls with 'Funeral' [Variety]
Mar 11 2009 New X-(the)Man Movie!
Yeaaaahhhh, now here's a movie where we might see a fully dressed lady, then get a POV shot where that clothed lady is now a naked lady. Tim Burton long ago abandoned his ancient plan to remake Roger Corman's X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes, but now 28 Weeks Later director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo is in talks to take over the project:
Spanish helmer Juan Carlos Fresnadillo has made a deal with MGM to develop a film based on director Roger Corman's 1963 pic "X: The Man With the X-Ray Eyes," a movie from the Lion's library.The original starred Ray Milland as a scientist who is near a breakthrough in X-ray vision technology when his funding is cut off. Desperate to show results, the doc applies eye drops that eventually cause him to lose control over his growing powers.
Besides that implicit naked lady shot, I hope, as the old poster hints, we also get a shot of a regular chimp, then get a shot of that chimp's bone structure. Don't deny it, guys, every one of you who somehow acquired x-ray vision know you'd be stealing illicit glances at primate skeletons.
'X-Ray' next for Fresnadillo [Variety]
Feb 26 2009 'Total Recall' ...Again!
As a second item in film remakes that have the slim potential to be better than their predecessors if they adhere more closely to the source material news, Total Recall is getting remade (totally!):
"Total Recall" is totally coming back.Neal H. Moritz and his Original Films banner are in final negotiations to develop and produce for Columbia a contemporary version of "Total Recall," the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger sci-fi action movie directed by Paul Verhoeven.
The original, based on the Philip K. Dick story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale," follows a man haunted by a recurring dream of journeying to Mars who buys a literal dream vacation from a company called Rekall Inc., which sells implanted memories. The man comes to believe he is a secret agent and ends up on a Martian colony, where he fights to overthrow a despotic ruler controlling the production of air.
The movie explores one of Dick's favorite topics, reality vs. delusion, as audiences never knew whether or not the story was a dream. Either way, the movie grossed a very real $261 million worldwide.
I wish I had more of an opinion on this, but I haven't seen the film since a friend got his parents to rent it when we were ten, meaning most of my memories are of rewinding to see the three-boob scene again. Should I be more worried?
Dec 22 2008 Will Ferrell Flees from Dinosaur (Artist's Rendering) in 'Land of the Lost' Poster
I don't want this to sound like I'm being disparaging towards dinosaur paintings--I am anything but negative towards dinosaur paintings, having once purchased a Sega Genesis game solely because of its dinosaur painting cover--but I'm not sure a photograph of real people fleeing from what is obviously a dinosaur painting works as a movie poster. Call me old fashioned on the subject of marrying paint and flesh. Either paint the Will Ferrell too or step up the CGI on the dinosaur.
And on the subject of that Dinosaurs for Hire game that was formerly a short-lived comic about 20th century dinosaur mercenaries: you missed an obvious one, Hollywood.
(Thanks, Zyclonis.)
'Land of the Lost' Poster Premiere! [Cinematical]
Dec 12 2008 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' Remake More Definitely Happening
Friday the 13th hasn't even been released but Platinum Dunes is already preparing to go ahead with their remake of the popular extended sleep apnea metaphor, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and are hopeful they'll start shooting by spring. From Shock Till You Drop:
Since Comic-Con in July, it was unknown whether producers Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form were going to be involved in the reboot of the Freddy Krueger franchise. But today, Fuller and Form confirmed to ShockTillYouDrop.com that their deal is done. "It's our next movie," confirmed Form, "hopefully shooting this spring."Over the summer, Wesley Strick (Cape Fear) was attached to pen the script which is intended to re-imagine the dream-hopping teen killer. "It's like what we're doing to Friday the 13th," says Fuller. "It's not Freddy cracking jokes. We want to make a horrifying movie. The concept is so scary, don't fall asleep or you'll die. This guy gets you when you're most vulnerable, in your sleep. We love that. That's the basis of the movie. It'll be most similar to the first one but in terms of kills and dreams we'll borrow from the entire series."
"You know the basic premise of the movie? How it's a guy that kills you in your sleep? That's our favorite part: the basic concept. That's the part we're most excited to be stealing and reissuing."
I can't wait to see how they make the claws, like, really super long and awesome, and on both hands now, so he's twice as dangerous.
Dec 4 2008 Let's Remake 'Romancing the Stone'
Fox wants to remake Romancing the Stone? Alright. In these trying economic times, we must all make sacrifices to keep Matthew McConaughey employed. From THR:
Fox is bringing "Romancing the Stone" to the big screen again, swinging into development a remake of the 1984 adventure movie and tapping Daniel McDermott to write it.The original movie helped launch Robert Zemeckis as a director, turned Michael Douglas and Danny DeVito -- then best known for their TV work -- into film stars and established Kathleen Turner as a romantic lead.
Written by Diane Thomas, "Romancing" told the story of a repressed romance novelist who travels to Colombia to find her missing sister only to meet up with an American soldier of fortune. The two embark on a cross-country adventure involving a map, a jewel and a private police force.
TELL ME this means someone will cover Eddy Grant's Romancing the Stone theme, which might be (almost certainly is) the worst song ever recorded. It's so, so bad, and it never ends. There's always another chorus, or a guitar solo, or even more chorus. You need to bring a few Nature Valley bars if you're going to listen to it in one sitting. It's not even long so much as arduous.
If you haven't heard this horrible titular song, you need to experience the music video, paying special attention to when Eddy throws a machete into the air and it turns into a guitar for him to pretend to play:
Nov 7 2008 Spielberg Remaking 'Oldboy'--with WILL SMITH
Steven Spielberg (Duel) is in talks to remake the Korean film Oldboy with Will Smith (co-rapper, Summertime) in the lead. Not a joke:
Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are in early discussions to collaborate on a remake of Chan Wook-park's "Oldboy." DreamWorks is in the process of securing the remake rights, and the new pic will be distributed by Universal.In the 2003 Korean original, a man gets kidnapped and held in a shabby cell for 15 years without explanation. Suddenly, he's released and given money, a cell phone and clothes and is set on a path to discover who destroyed his life so he can take revenge.
Spielberg had been looking for an opportunity to make a film with Smith, who would play the kidnapped man if all the pieces fall into place. Spielberg is looking for a writer to begin the development process.
If you haven't seen Oldboy, it's really good, and don't get me wrong, I still like Steven Spielberg despite the Indiana Jones incident, but this like somebody saying, steak is really good, and I really like milkshakes, so I'm going to make a steak milkshake (starring Will Smith).
(Thanks, Chris)
Spielberg, Smith in talks for 'Oldboy' [Variety]
Oct 30 2008 'Long Weekend' Trailer: Saturday, Sunday, and Friday Night Never Seemed Longer
Jim Caviezel and wife are enjoying a nice long weekend on an idyllic beach. Just throwing some bottles into the ocean and shooting them, spraying anthills with poison, playing old Moby songs--you know, typical beach activities. But it turns out Mother Nature hates those classic American recreations! Mother Nature wants to take away Jim Caviezel's right to throw a beer bottle into the ocean and fire a rifle at it. So Mother Nature starts delivering dead manatees to Jim's campsite, hoping he'll "get the message." And there's some lizards, and a snake, and god, Jim, don't lift that metal bowl!
Here's the trailer. You'll see:
Continue Reading " 'Long Weekend' Trailer: Saturday, Sunday, and Friday Night Never Seemed Longer "
Oct 29 2008 Laugier Dreams of Remaking 'Hellraiser'
French director Pascal Laugier is in final negotiations to write and direct the Hellraiser remake that no one is too thrilled about besides the people doing it and probably one Halloween store that bought a bunch of surplus Pinhead masks that never sold. From THR:
Pascal Laugier, whose horror film "Martyrs" stirred controversy in his native France, is in final negotiations to write and direct Dimension's re-imagining of "Hellraiser," one of horrormeister Clive Barker's best-known creations."This is a dream project for me," Laugier said. "I know Clive Barker's work very well, and I would never betray what he has done. Fans are expecting a definitive 'Hellraiser,' and I don't want to take that away from them."
It's nice to hear his heart is in the right place, but nope, fans are not expecting a definitive Hellraiser. Fans are expecting an unimaginatively rehashed, slightly-glossier Hellraiser. We already have the definitive Hellraise: it's Hellraiser. That will always be the definitive Hellraiser.
I don't know anyone really wants another horror remake, Pascal, but if you're really set on remaking Hellraiser, I think if you're able to make the new one the "definitive tolerable remake of Hellraiser that doesn't make it feel as if pins are being forced into your head," that will be good enough.
Sep 23 2008 'Rashomon 2010': The 'Rashomon' of the FUTURE
Whenever I learn someone I know hasn't seen Akira Kurosawa's 1950 classic, Rashomon, it usually turns out they've been avoiding it for one of two reasons: either because it's old and foreign, or because the title fails to imply there will be anyone in a giant, futuristic mech suit. Thank god Harbor Light Entertainment and Lotus are about to fix both those issues, remaking the film as Rashomon 2010:
Los Angeles-based Harbor Light Entertainment and Tokyo-based Lotus have assembled an international consortium to remake helmer Akira Kurosawa’s 1950 classic "Rashomon."Action will be moved from ancient Japan to contempo America, where a court must decide the facts about the rape of a woman and the murder of her husband.
Harbor Light and Lotus will be joined by L.A.’s Lexicon Filmed Entertainment and Singapore’s Upside Down Entertainment on the English-language project, "Rashomon 2010."
Yeah, what was Kurosawa thinking setting Rashomon in ancient Japan? It was already dated when he was making it! Every movie should be set in America, in modern times, with the date clearly identified in the title so that you know it's not set in ancient times. Rashomon is bullshit, but it's already clear Rashomon 2010's legacy will live on forever, until January 2011.
'Rashomon' remake finds a Harbor [Variety]
