Sep 11 2009 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4' Title Sounds Like Porn Parody
At Disney's D23 Expo today, the studio released the name and general release date for Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Maybe it's just me looking for pornography in everything, but I can't help but detect some kind of vague, sexual double-meaning in the subtitle "On Stranger Tides," like this is the porn version of the film. I don't actually know what the name would be implying, but something. Maybe that Jock Spare-Ho has sex with a lot of strangers, while on tides?
I don't know. Never mind. Pirates of the Caribbean pornos would obviously be subtitled, in order, "The Crotch of the Black Girl," "Hot Babe's Chest," and "At Cock's End." I don't know what I was thinking.
(Image from Coming Soon.)
Nov 5 2008 Baseless Rumor Says Russell Brand is in 'Pirates 4'!
It's a pretty slow day in the entertainment "biz" (business). For some of us, that means covering stories about Jonathan Lipnicki roles and pretending someone cares what Jonathan Lipnicki is doing with himself, and how he wants you to vote. For others, it means making up stories about who might be in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and even make a hasty Photoshop mockup for the hell of it. Take, for example, The Sun's report that Russell Brand will be playing Jack Sparrow's brother (via digg):
Brand is reportedly thrashing out a deal to appear in the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean film - as Captain Jack Sparrow's younger brother Jonathan. The deal to appear in the children's film could be worth as much as £5million and would catapault the 33-year-old into the Hollywood A-list.A source told The Sun: 'There couldn't be a role more perfectly suited. There's a lot of Jack Sparrow in his mannerisms and behaviour. Depp's accent isn't a million miles away from Russell's either.'
There's part of me that has to respect an organization that can take a casual conversation beginning with "you know who Russell Brand kind of reminds me of?" and turn that into a purportedly factual story about a £5 million movie deal. In a way it's dishonest, but in a way it's thoroughly honest, in that it's basically an admission that you're horrible and should not be trusted for any reason. These are not the people to housesit your apartment. I will be looking elsewhere for someone to water my plants while I'm away, Sun employees.
Russell Brand set to land £5m role as Jack Sparrow's brother in next Pirates Of The Caribbean [Daily Mail]
Sep 25 2008 Johnny Depp Playing Sparrow, Hatter, Native American
Disney has revealed that Johnny Depp will be returning to screens as Captain Jack Sparrow in a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean, has joined the cast of The Lone Ranger as Tonto, and, as rumored, will play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland adaptation. In celebration of the announcement, Disney decided to humiliate the actor:
In addition to Depp, who took the stage dressed as Jack Sparrow while wearing the Lone Ranger mask, this year’s event also featured the cast of "High School Musical" plus Dwayne Johnson, Miley Cyrus, John Travolta and Robin Williams. Adam Sandler appeared in a pretaped sequence with the studio chairman. And Cook even had a conversation with the four-legged star of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
"So, Johnny, we were thinkin' it might be fun if you dressed up as Captain Sparrow for our little announcement party. How 'bout it?"
"Uhhh, yeah, I don't know..."
"Come on, Johnny. It would really mean a lot to us. It'll be great."
"Well, you guys have always been good to me, so OK, I'll wear it."
"Also, this black mask."
"What?"
"You know, like Lone Ranger."
"But I'm not playing the Lone Ranger; I'm playing Tonto. And why would I be dressed as both Lone Ranger and a pirate at the same time? This doesn't make any sense."
"Still though. Everyone will love it. Come on, Johnny."
"Fine, I'll wear the mask."
"And this crazy hat."
"No."
"FINE. Be that way. Just don't interrupt me when I'm having the conversation with the dog."
Disney, Depp return to 'Caribbean' [Variety]
Jun 15 2007 China Trims the Chow Yun-Fat
A typical Chinese man.
Always eager to show off their knack for censorship, Chinese officials have reportedly cut Chow Yun-Fat's Pirates of the Caribbean screen time in half after finding our caricature of a Chinese man far less entertaining than we do. A Chinese magazine said that the captain's bald head, facial scarring, and long beard and fingernails are typical of Hollywood's demonizing of the people. Strangely, scenes with Lo Hung, the buck-toothed bespectacled dry cleaner of the ship, and Xi Chan, the karate-chopping math expert, along with several references to a dropped silverware naming policy were left in the film. Officials noted in a hysterical accent, "It's funny because it's true!"
Jun 4 2007 Success! Sort of...
"Take that, racist!"
Due, I'm sure, to the bump from iwatchstuff.com readers, Knocked Up made $29.3 million at the box office (hee hee, box office, I'd work there) this weekend, nearly earning back the $30 million it cost to make. I saw the movie on Sunday, and can safely say that I'm not sorry for recommending it. Though I am sorry for puking on that pigeon Saturday night. He didn't do anything to deserve it, poor lil' sky rat.
The comedy beat out Shrek the Third and came a close second to the movie that shall remain unmentioned, which dropped 62.4% in ticket sales.
Jun 1 2007 'Pirates' to Go Where it Belongs
'at's roight, laidies, Mr. Bruckheimer 'ates blacks; I barely escaped 'is cutlass meself on account a me dreadlocks.
The TV rights to Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Jerry Bruckheimer Steals Ten Bucks and Takes a Dump on Your Chest have been bought by the USA network for $28 million. While the price was about $28 million and five dollars too high, it's nice to see that Pirates is going to end up where it belonged in the first place - sandwiched between reruns of American Gladiator and the latest made-for-TV movie about the life of Britney Spears.
May 10 2007 ALL SEQUELS, ALL THE TIME!
"Quick, somebody beat it!"
If you're a big Hollywood exec, why take a chance on a new project? It's a safer bet to go with something that's already established and then milk that cow till it shits blood.
Here is just some of the sequel news that's floating around:
L.A. Confidential 2
Terminators 4-6
Step Up 2 [Ed. Note: Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either]
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Fantastic Four 3
Superman 2 (or is it 6?)
Hostel 2
Shrek 4
Sin City 2
Indiana Jones 5
Harry Potter 6
Rambo 4
Lost Boys 2
And I'm sure I missed a few. I didn't even bother with spinoffs and remakes.
May 1 2007 Pirates of the Caribbean Featurette
Maybe if your mom cut down on the Chow Yun, she wouldn't be so fat. [Ed. Note - Sorry, it'll never happen again]
/Film has a new Pirates of the Caribbean featurette, which I think is like a feature that squats to pee.
You can watch it if you want, but I'm not. Nor will I watch Jerry B. castrate something cool for almost three hours when the movie comes out. See, anyone else makes a 3-hour movie about pirates and you're thinking, "Sweet, that's like a whole extra hour of rum, wenches, swordfighting, limbs getting blown off by cannons, and rape."
But with Jerry, you know it's just gonna be another hour of CGI ghosts, talking animals, and hell, maybe even Nic Cage.
Plus, I think this entire movie was miscast. See the actors I would've chosen, after the jump.
Apr 17 2007 Transmorphers is Coming!
Able to morph between really shitty and really, really shitty.
Right now, most likely at your local Blockbuster store, there's an industry that's thriving on the ineptitude of video rental customers who can't tell the difference between a blockbuster movie that's just been released in theaters and its shoddy, low-budget, similarly-named counterpart that's already on DVD. At the forefront of this burgeoning industry is Asylum, who have just announced their unique vision of giant transforming robots in the new straight-to-DVD Transmorphers.
Though I was vaguely aware of these knock-off titles, Cinematical has graciously taken the task of cataloguing the shameless Asylum library and pairing the titles up with their Hollywood counterparts. I'm blown away.
King Kong -- King of the Lost World
The Exorcism of Emily Rose -- Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers
When a Stranger Calls -- When a Killer Calls
The Hills Have Eyes -- Hillside Cannibals
The Da Vinci Code -- The Da Vinci Treasure
The Omen -- 666: The Child
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest -- Pirates of Treasure Island
Snakes on a Plane -- Snakes on a Train
Eragon -- Dragon
The Hitcher -- The Hitchhiker
Primeval / Rogue -- SuperCroc
My favorite is definitely Eragon to Dragon, because it almost makes it seem like Eragon is the knock-off. I sure know what a dragon is, but an Eragon could be nearly anything. Why place my bets on a word similar to dragon when I've got Dragon right there, on DVD shelves months before whatever this "Eragon" is? The Da Vinci Treasure is pretty good, too.
Mar 20 2007 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Trailer
Interrupting the Dancing with Former or Non-Celebrities show last night, the trailer for third chapter in the Pirates of the Caribbean saga has been released. I don't know about you, but as soon as it said the line "pirate lords from the four corners of the earth," I was sold. See it above or in higher quality here.
Mar 13 2007 New Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Stills
This page has a ton of new stills from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, including this shot from what may be the Chinese version of Deal or No Deal. Instead of picking a girl to open a case of money, you just pick one of your daughters, who is then executed so you can try again for a male.
Feb 26 2007 And the Winners Are... (Referring to Oscar Winners)
Last night, Hollywood held the most lavish employee of the year ceremony known to man, calling it "The Oscars." The results of their categorical awarding were as follows, accompanied by my recommended nickname(s) to use when congratulating the winner.
Best motion picture of the year
"The Departed"
Nickname(s): D-Part, Depart Chopra
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Forest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland"
Nickname(s): Witty, Forry, Rainforest, Ol' Screwy Eye
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine"
Nickname(s): Al of Ark, Alan of the Lost Ark, Barkin' Arkin, Alan Alda
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Helen Mirren in "The Queen"
Nickname(s): Hell Hole, Jeerin' Mirren, GILF
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls"
Nickname(s): Hudsucker, J-Hud, American Idol Loser
Best animated feature film of the year
"Happy Feet"
Nickname(s): Hap-Fee, Stupid Dancing Penguin Movie
Achievement in art direction
"Pan's Labyrinth"
Nickname(s): Panny, Pan-Lab
Achievement in cinematography
"Pan's Labyrinth"
Achievement in costume design
"Marie Antoinette"
Nickname(s): Marieantoinette (said quickly, as if one word)
Achievement in directing
Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"
Best documentary feature
"An Inconvenient Truth"
Nickname(s): Incon, The Al Gore One, Liberal Lies
Best documentary short subject
"The Blood of Yingzhou District"
Nickname(s): The B.Y.D., Yingzy, Any combination of "ching, chang, chong" said in offensive accent
Achievement in film editing
"The Departed"
Best foreign language film of the year
"The Lives of Others"
Nickname(s): The L of O, Lives
Achievement in makeup
"Pan's Labyrinth"
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
Gustavo Santaolalla, "Babel"
Nickname(s): Guster, Tivo, Santa, La-la
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
"I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth"
Music and Lyric by Melissa Etheridge
Nickname(s): Mel, Ether, Lesbian
Best animated short film
"The Danish Poet"
Nickname(s): D.P.
Best live action short film
"West Bank Story"
Nickname(s): West Bank Stor'
Achievement in sound editing
"Letters from Iwo Jima"
Nickname(s): Letters, Iwo Jimster, The Jimster, Iwo Jimbo
Achievement in sound mixing
"Dreamgirls"
Nickname(s): D-Girls
Achievement in visual effects
"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
Nickname(s): Rates-DMC, Dead Man's Chest, Peter O'Toole's Chest
Adapted screenplay
"The Departed"
Screenplay by William Monahan
Nickname(s): Bill Monahan
Original screenplay
"Little Miss Sunshine"
Written by Michael Arndt
Nickname(s): Mikey A, Arndt You Michael?
Feb 12 2007 More from Pirates 3
While we're on the subject of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 pictures, here's Keith Richards playing a swashbuckling version of the guy from Counting Crows.
Feb 12 2007 Free Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Pictures
Geoffrey Rush asks audiences, "would u hit it?"
There are some new Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End pictures floating around the Internet (here, specifically). Best of all--they're free! Who are you to turn down free pictures, Captain Moneybags?
Jan 29 2007 Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Footage (barely)
Let the 2 seconds of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 footage mixed into this 30-second clip be your excuse for enjoying the adolescent eye candy of The Disney Channel.
Jan 19 2007 Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Production Art
There's a collection of Pirates 3 production artwork over here that shows that they're really taking the "At World's End" subtitle literally (see above). I had foolishly been assuming it was more of an expression of exhaustion with the Pirates of the Caribbean, as in, "They're still looting and plundering? I'll tell ya, I am just at my world's end with these Pirates of the Caribbean."
Also of note: the exaggerated womanliness of Keira Knightly in the painting of her. She's naturally built like a 12-year-old state swimming champ, but he gives her a body from a Russ Meyer movie. I think he might be on to something.
Jan 11 2007 Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Pictures
The first promo images from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End have been released, succeeding in both exciting me about the film and scaring the shit out of Scooby and Shaggy.
More and larger around here.
Dec 14 2006 Golden Globes Nominations! Yay!
Once a year, the Hollywood Foreign Press gets together to publicly acknowledge the greatness and talent of celebrities over normal people, rank them with awards, and add unnecessary clutter to DVD cover art with said awards. This year's nominations have been announced, and the foreigners have decided Babel is the best thing, leading the pack with 7 nominations. Other nominations have gone out to Will Smith, Ben Affleck, Beyonce, Renee Zellweger, Happy Feet and The Devil Wears Prada, proving that the primary goal of the Foreign Press is to award idiots for shit.
Full nominations list under the cut.
Dec 8 2006 Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Poster (Arrr)
Here is the poster for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Many of you may have seen this image before as the international warning symbol for Bohemian poison.
Jun 26 2006 Keith Richards Will Be in Pirates of the Caribbean 3
After Johnny Depp cited Keith Richards as an influence on his character of Captain Jack Sparrow (both tie rags to themselves as decoration/are dead), rumor spread that the Rolling Stones rocker would play the pirate's father in one of the sequels. Speaking to director Gore Verbinski, IGN finally got the affirmative we've been waiting for:
So now, with the third film left, we took the question to director Gore Verbinski during our exclusive interview and he finally gave the answer we'd all been waiting for. "Keith is definitely going to be in the third movie...It's a small part, but it's a great part."
So is he playing the father of Jack Sparrow? "No comment. To be interpreted."
Even without specifying, it seems pretty clear that he's going to play Sparrow's father. I have to assume, with everything he did in the 60's, any time Keith Richards is questionably the father of someone, the answer is more often that not a "yes." And that goes for both actual people and fictional characters. Even cartoon charactes. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but just by reading his name here, you're probably the illegitimate child of Keith Richards.