Mar 9 2009 Hey, You Watched the Watchmen -- Congratulations

Your weekend box office results:

1. Watchmen - $55.7 million. The non-stop barrage viral marketing wasn't enough to push Zack Snyder's latest past his previous March opener, 300, which had no viral marketing except the promise of some dudes fucking some other dudes up and someone getting foot-pushed into a hole. Now we know what brings in the crowds.

2. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - $8.8 million. I thought its reverent faithfulness to the Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail comic mini-series doomed the visually lush film to mediocrity. What did you guys think?

3. Taken - $7.5 million. Have YOU been taken? If not, get on it; it's been a month-and-a-half and you still haven't been taken. Hurry up and get taken.

4. Slumdog Millionaire - $6.9 million. Sales spiked when a 3rd grade teacher came up with a field trip plan that would allow her to both catch up on her movie viewing and teach the kids oxymorons.

5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $4.2 million. You thought you saw the last of Blart? Think again. You will never see the last of Blart. Blart is forever omnipresent. You can only define the universe as having more or less Blart at any given time.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

Feb 2 2009 Liam Neeson Kicks the Crap Out of Everyone

Your box office report, sirs and madams:

1. Taken - $24.6 million. Now you know: never take anything from Liam Neeson.

2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $14 million. I'm starting to think Kevin James might have a shot at stealing the Blockbuster Comedy Go-To Fat Guy crown. Jack Black, watch your back.

3. The Uninvited - $10.5 million, barely beating a three-week-old movie about a hotel that is for dogs.

4. Hotel for Dogs - A mere $8.7 million, keeping its total gross a distant second to the other recent movie about an orphaned genius inventor named Bruce.

5. Gran Torino - $8.6 million. The eighth week of an old racist man drama easily beat a new Renee Zellweger romantic comedy (8th). That just blew up the Hollywood system.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

Jan 26 2009 Paul Blart is Really, Really Popular Mall Cop

Apparently no one realized a new Brendan Fraser movie opened this weekend, and instead everyone saw these movies:

1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $21.5 million. Maybe let's not all see Paul Blart next weekend, just to give something else a shot. We'll divide it up: last names beginning with A-M, you get to enjoy the endless laughter this weekend.

2. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $20.7 million. Nice try, Underworld, but last I checked there isn't a King of Queens vampire, which makes your movie bullshit in comparison to anything with a King of Queens.

3. Gran Torino - $16 million, putting it less than $3 million away from reaching $100 million. How did that happen?

4. Hotel for Dogs - $12.4 million. Oooh, a hotel for dogs, you say? That sounds good.

5. Slumdog Millionaire - $10.6 million. Oooh, something else about a dog, you say? That also sounds good.