Nov 3 2009 Successful Film Begets Sequel: 'Paranormal Activity 2'?

Surprising absolutely no one, a brief article in the Hollywood Reporter reveals that Paramount is looking at making a sequel to Paranormal Activity, the recent shaky-cam hit that, at $85 million gross and climbing, has made roughly one billion times its $15k budget back.

Have we really learned no lessons from our rich shaky-cam horror history? Must we repeat our mistakes to remind us of the terrible lessons learned by making Blair Witch 2? (Apparently, since the Blair Witch guys want to make a new Blair Witch 2 to replace the current Blair Witch 2.) Come on, Paramount. We don't need another Paranormal Activity--the current one already has more than enough recognizable scenes to easily, lazily parody in the next Scary Movie, so what's the point of making another? That is the point of these movies, right?

Oct 26 2009 Unwanted 'Footloose' Remake in Peril!

Paramount just can't hang on to alumni of Disney's musical high school. Variety reports Kenny Ortega, director of This Is It and heir to the Ortega taco-making supplies fortune (unconfirmed), has departed from the studio's planned Footloose remake over disputes about tone and budget. Fellow High School Musical participant Zac Efron had earlier left the project to be replaced by his faerie brethren, Chase Crawford.

Paramount is still looking to keep the film on track for March shooting, and is looking for an immediate replacement. Personally, I'm less concerned about who's going to replace Ortega than who's going to replace original theme composer and certified hitmaker, Kenny Loggins. Because the answer is no one can replace Kenny Loggins. A Loggins-less world is not one worth small-town-dancing in, that much I can tell you.

Oct 14 2009 We'll Have Yet Another Jack Ryan: Chris Pine This Time

Jack Ryan, the Tom Clancy character that's been played on screen by Alec Baldwin (Hunt for Red October), Harrison Ford (Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger), and Ben Affleck (whatever the one with Ben Affleck in it as called) has a new classically handsome face. Variety reports Star Trek star Chris Pine is in talks with Paramount to try a second reboot of the series.

Now that we have an equal number of Jack Ryan movie portrayers and Batman movie portrayers*, I think the next step is obvious: four buddy comedies!

*We aren't counting Adam West.

Sep 2 2009 'Iron Man 2' in THREE DIMENSIONS???

For his second Iron Man film, Jon Favreau could be taking things to the next level! That level being the level of visual depth. According to AICN, 3-D decision-makers at Paramount and Marvel/Disney are reviewing a minute of Iron Man 2 3-D test footage to determine if Scarlett Johansson's breasts erupting from the screen warrants converting the entire film to the gimmicky format.

Something else you executives should weigh into you decision: if you make Iron Man 2 in 3-D, that totally blows your shot at using the Iron Man 3-D 3rd film/3rd dimension naming structure. Someone needs to uphold the grand traditions of Spy Kids 3-D and Jaws 3-D.

Jul 7 2009 Clooney May Have Once Mentioned Some Interest in Playing Jack Ryan!

Is George Clooney (the guy with the haircut on The ER) taking on the role of Jack Ryan--previously played by Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, and Ben Affleck--in the next film featuring the Tom Clancy creation? He is if you read into quotes from unnamed sources! According to a story on The Daily Beast:

A source says he expressed interest in playing Jack Ryan when and if Paramount attempts to revive the Tom Clancy series.

I don't know. Can someone photoshop George Clooney into a suit so I can see how he might look in the part?

Jun 25 2009 Michael 'Turd' Bay Wants 'Transformers 2' More Event-Like, Less Lame

It should go without saying that Michael Bay is something of a turd. There's already plenty of turd evidence to support that theory, and I don't think anyone, including Bay himself, is really disputing the notion, but just in case you find yourself in a conversation where you need the additional support of a turdy email to prove that Michael Bay really is something of a turd, fellow turd TMZ has this report on a turdy email the director sent:

Michael Bay sent a scathing email to Paramount Studios before the release of "Transformers 2," complaining in effect that his famous director friends would be shocked at the way Paramount was promoting the flick.

We've obtained an email dated May 4, 2009 -- from Bay to Paramount head Brad Grey, along with a bunch of other Paramount honchos. Bay complains bitterly that Paramount's ad campaign for "Transformers 2" was tepid and ineffective.

"... I have been waiting, and waiting for the anticipation of an 'event movie' to make it into the 'public zeitgeist,'" Bay writes.

Bay calls the print campaign an "abject failure," with a "pathetic presence" in the L.A. Times. He's especially pissed about the profile of the movie on the MTV Video Awards, calling it "so lame."

But here's the best part. Bay name-drops Jerry Bruckheimer, saying Jerry always told him "a studio that does not make [the opening of a movie] an event ... will get bitten in the ass." He then adds, "Besides my good friend Steven [Spielberg], Jerry has made a lot more successful movies then (sic) all of us."

Why isn't Transformers 2 in the public zeitgeist, guys!? SO LAME. If this were a Stevesy--Spielberg, heard of him?--film, it would definitely be in the public zeitgeist. That print campaign was just so lame. Everyone knows print is the way of the future, so that really should have been the focus for this public zeitgeist event, you lame-heads.

God, what a turd.

(Thanks, Elmo.)

Mar 31 2009 Will Youthful Spock Die... Again???

Paramount is putting the tractor-beamed shuttle craft before the starship! (Or whatever the appropriate cart-before-the-horse Star Trek reference is.) Variety is reporting the studio is so confident about the success of their fresh-faced relaunch of the science fiction franchise that they're already preparing its sequel:

As Paramount Pictures readies the May 8 release of its "Star Trek" franchise relaunch, the studio is moving forward with a sequel, and has hired Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Damon Lindelof to pen the screenplay.

J.J. Abrams, who directed and produced the latest chapter, is onboard to produce the follow-up alongside his Bad Robot partner Bryan Burk. No decision has been made yet on whether Abrams will return behind the camera for the sequel.

Story is still in the embryonic stage, but the trio are aiming to deliver their script to the Melrose studio by Christmas for what would likely be a summer 2011 release.

As for potential storylines, Kurtzman stressed that the writing team will wait to take a cue from fan reaction about which direction to go.

"Obviously we discussed ideas, but we are waiting to see how audiences respond next month," he said. "With a franchise rebirth, the first movie has to be about origin. But with a second, you have the opportunity to explore incredibly exciting things. We'll be ambitious about what we'll do."

Seems a little premature, but following the Star Trek Curse even/odd=bad/good philosophy, a hypothetical second film is probably already better than Final Frontier. I'll only start worrying once I hear Paramount is looking for a young Latino with a sculpted chest.

Mar 11 2009 Time to Sell Some of Those Fancy Cars, Cussler

You may have been content to let the memory of 2005's box office flop Sahara fade (you've probably even forgotten Dwight Schrute was in it), but not everyone can so easily erase the Matthew McConaughey adventure from their mind. Namely, our judicial system: Clive Cussler, author of the bestselling novel of the same name, has been in a legal battle with Paramount since '04, when he claimed they breached contract by not giving him final script approval. Cussler lost that battle in '07 at the cost of $5 million, and now Variety reports he's lost the counter-suit, which will cost him another $13.9 million to compensate Paramount for their legal fees unless he wins his appeal

So why is this relevant to you? Because it means we're definitely not going to have to bear another Dirk Pitt adventure starring Matthew McConaughey! We've all won today. Besides Clive Cussler.

Nov 3 2008 Someone Might Pay for 'Tintin' After All

You may recall, back in September, Universal told Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson, "Look, buds, you've made some great films, and we plan to re-buy them on Blu-Ray, but we're not going to give you $130 million dollars and 30% gross revenue to make a few films about some Belgian comic that isn't all that popular here." Now it looks like Sony and Paramount have stepped in, and might co-finance the films despite losing the prospective star:

Sony Pictures Entertainment and Paramount Pictures are in talks to co-finance "Tintin," Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson’s digital 3-D pic based on the Belgian "Tintin" comics.

While neither Sony nor Paramount would comment, both confirmed talks are under way for one film.

Spielberg had hoped to be in production by fall. However, when financing fell apart at U on the eve of the DreamWorks/Par divorce, he lost the participation of his lead actor, Thomas Sangster.

Well, guys, if this doesn't work out, there's always being selected as a contestant 130 times and playing all perfect games on Howie Mandel's Pick a Box. That's what I always consider my greatest possibility of making enough money to get haircuts.

Sony, Paramount financing 'Tintin' [Variety]

Oct 24 2008 Columbus in Talks for 'Ripley's': Believe It!

Chris Columbus is in talks to take over Ripley's Believe it or Not, a Paramount project with Jim Carrey set for the lead. From Variety:

After being unplugged months before a 2007 production start in China with Tim Burton at the helm, "Ripley’s Believe It or Not!" is getting a complete overhaul, based on a concept that Columbus pitched. Both Paramount and Carrey sparked to it, and the China-based storyline will be scrapped.

Once Columbus’ deal is closed, the studio will hire a writer to draft the project, which remains a Par priority: The studio is aiming for a 2011 release and is hoping the pic spawns a franchise. Columbus, who most recently wrapped "I Love You, Beth Cooper," is next expected to direct "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief," based on the Rick Riordan book.

Well, this project just took a bite of shit sandwich. A Tim Burton Ripley's Believe It or Not meant a decent probability of some twisted freaks, horrible mutants, and a cameo by Johnny Depp as conjoined twins. A Columbus Ripley's Believe It or Not reeks of broad family fun and a trailer that says, "this Christmas, let a half-man fill your heart..." I'd better get to see some freaks, buddy.

Sep 10 2008 Overpriced Painted Vinyl: The Movie

You know those little vinyl figures that look like rabbits or whatever but with different things painted on them? Those are movies now:

Paramount Pictures has made a deal with Wildbrain to turn its Kidrobot branded collectible character creations into a series of feature films that will be a mix of animation and live action.

[Scott] Aversano saw a complete collection of the characters and got the film idea while he was running Nickelodeon, and will spearhead the project as producer. The creatures come with no linear storyline, so the plan is to draft a writer for pen a story about ordinary kids who are transported into the edgy world populated by the Kidrobot creatures.

To accurately recreate the experience of the figurines, the films will come randomly packaged, cost an absurd amount, a come with a bonus disc of pre-recorded derision from your friends for paying so much for a G.D. piece of rabbit-shaped plastic.

Paramount commits to Kidrobot films [Variety]

Mar 26 2008 Dunes Dipping Toes Into 'Original' Territory

ShockTillYouDrop has learned that Michael Bay's recidivist horror studio, Platinum Dunes--currently planning remakes of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Rosemary's Baby, and Friday the 13th--finally has an original project in the works. Dunes and Paramount are teaming and searching for a director for Michael Hildalgo's The Butcherhouse Chronicles script--an adaptation of his play of the same name. Shock calls it "a welcome change of pace for Dunes (veering into original properties)", but I'm not quite sure how original it is after hearing the plot:

Four teenagers explore a supposedly haunted house and uncover their small town's horrible secret.

This brings about an interesting question: is a film still original if it has the same plot of 90% of horror movies ever made, just a different title? Is Fazoli's an original blend of Italian food and fast service, or a sloppy, tasteless remake of Olive Garden? Ponder these questions as I put together my pitch for "quiet masked man terrorizes peaceful suburban community."

Paramount, Platinum Team for Butcherhouse [ShockTillYouDrop]