Nov 20 2009 So Many People Are Doing the Acting in 'Thor'

So many people are doing the acting in Thor! Some people joined the cast a few days ago; one just joined today. Let's finally get to filling them all in in our Thor scrapbook, OK?

Firstly, the Heat Vision blog is reporting that Idris Elba--who you may remember from The Wire, The Office, and the ridiculous Beyonce-fights-a-stalker film Obsessed--will be playing Heimdall, another mythological Norse character called "whitest of the gods." Which is funny. Because Idris Elba is black. Not white.

Variety, meanwhile, has news that Stuart Townsend (Charlize Theron's husband), Ray Stevenson (the Punisher that wasn't Thomas Jane) and Tadanobu Asano (Ichi the Killer) will be playing the Warriors Three, Marvel-created Asgardian gods who form a classic trinity of fat guy, Errol Flynn-esque guy, and Genghis Khan-looking guy.

To those thinking this is weird because black guys and Asian guys don't belong in the world of Norse mythology... well, you're probably technically right, but you're still assigned ten minutes in the racist penalty box.

Nov 19 2009 Game That Hasn't Come Out Already Becoming a Movie

Thanks to Reliance BIG Entertainment and Brad Pitt’s production company! Risky Business reports the two companies are developing Capcom's upcoming Rocketeer-looking, third-person shooter that you've never played into a feature film, with an eye for Pitt to star:

“Void” centers on a a cargo pilot named Will (Pitt’s presumed character) who, after crashing in the Bermuda Triangle, ends up in a parallel universe where a band of humans must fight an alien threat they had long been thought extinct. Will and the other humans are outmanned but have a number of weapons and powers to help them beat back the alien incursion.

Fans of the game are already of mixed opinion, split between, "We don't exist yet; the game hasn't even fucking come out! You're speculatively making this, but a film based on the hugely successful Halo series can't get off the ground? Jesus Christ, no wonder studios are going out of business," and, "Sounds gay."

Nov 18 2009 Jennifer Hudson Playing Controversial Winnie

No, not Winnie Cooper (thought the way she treated Kevin was sometimes kind of bullshit). Mandela!

Jennifer Hudson, the former American Idol contestant who won the oscar in her first screen role in "Dreamgirls," is ready for her next challenge. Hudson will star in “Winnie,” a drama that casts her as the former wife of South Africa’s first black president, Nelson Mandela.

While Nelson Mandela—who’ll be played by Morgan Freeman in the Clint Eastwood-directed “Invictus”-- is a universally sympathetic figure for his struggle against apartheid, his former wife is a far more complicated figure. She has been depicted as the mother and wife who was a steadfast supporter of her activist husband and who was jailed herself for campaigning for his release and fighting against apartheid. Her image was subsequently tarnished by association with a bodyguard who murdered a 14-year old alleged informer, and she was later convicted of fraud.

The filmmakers will tell the whole story, good and bad.

But will Jennifer Hudson sing a special Winnie theme song?

Hudson, who is expected to sing the film’s theme song...

Yessss. I've always said even human rights violators deserve the same theme song opportunities granted to the Men in Black. Otherwise, aren't we all violating some basic human rights? Specifically, the right to a movie theme song sung by one of your film's stars.

Nov 17 2009 Anna Faris Also in Another Horribly Titled Movie

Remember how annoying girls about a decade ago would sometimes be like, "Yikes, tee em eye! (Too much information!)" Well, someone thought that would make a good title for a modern feature film, and Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris will be starring in it:

Universal Pictures has acquired "TMI," a comic vehicle for Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris.

Scripted by Kirsten "Kiwi" Smith and Marc Klein, the comic premise is that while honesty is the best policy for a relationship, "too much information" might not be the best thing.

Ah, how beautifully high concept. Couple makes agreement to tell each other everything; arrangement leads to anger, jealousy, and Yes Man-style comedy; couple finds moral that maybe complete openness really can lead to... TOO MUCH INFORMATION; audience forever forgets hollow film ever existed twenty minutes after exiting theater. Once you've got the cast in place, the "you did WHAT???"s practically write themselves.

Nov 17 2009 Anna Faris Joins [Title Too Offensively Punny for Headline]

Wedding BANNED. She's joining a Robin Williams movie called Wedding BANNED:

Anna Faris is in negotiations to star as Robin Williams' daughter in "Wedding Banned," a romantic comedy for Touchstone.

"Banned" revolves around a long-divorced couple who kidnap their daughter (Faris) on her wedding day to prevent her from making the same mistakes they did. The parents rekindle their relationship as they elude cops and the angry groom.

Williams is on board as the father; the mother has not been cast.

See, a wedding BAND is a ring you wear to signify that you're married. This is a subtle twist on that: the word "band" has been replaced with the similar sounding "banned." Because Robin Williams is stopping Anna Faris's marriage, effectively banning it. Wedding Banned. The title is Wedding Banned.

I have to go punch some things now.

Nov 16 2009 People (12-Year-Old Girls) Really Excited About Seeing 'New Moon'

With days of ticket sales to go before NewMoonday (Friday), The Twilight Saga: New Moon has, in human history's record, become the top selling pre-sales film in Fandango history. The vampire/wolfman teen melodrama, which debuts on the 20th, currently accounts for 86% of ticket sales, and has found itself at the top of a top pre-sales list that includes the last Star Wars thing, the last Harry Potter thing, the last Batman thing, the last Twilight thing, and the series finale of M*A*S*H.

Enjoy the spotlight while it lasts, New Moon. The young teen girl taste is fickle; you can't reign forever. Today's Jonathan Taylor Thomas is yesterday's Mark-Paul Gosselaar, or whatever three-named thing girls are into now. You won't always be the high school jock they all want. Soon you'll be their fat husband who married them because they were pregnant, and now everyone on Facebook is judging you. What now, New Moon? What now?

New Moon Becomes Top Advance Ticket-Seller in Fandango History [ComingSoon]

Nov 16 2009 Let's Pool Our Money and Buy Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Because the studio in charge of James Bond and part of The Lord of the Rings is now taking bids. From Variety:

MGM's officially for sale.

The Lion said Friday afternoon that it could also find a partner or remain a stand-alone company. In a statement, MGM said it was "beginning a process to explore various strategic alternatives including operating as a standalone entity, forming strategic partnerships and evaluating a potential sale of the company."

According to sources close to the company, MGM's investment bankers Moelis & Co. are overseeing the sales process, while current management will remain in place with feature development and production continuing.

My sources from the '30s tell me the sale should be in the "bunch a' buck-olas" range, as "MGM is tops for Technicolor" and has "all you tops starlets," including "the fabulous Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, and--hubba hubba--Greta Gah-bo!!"

Nov 13 2009 'Charlie's Angels' Being Forcefully Dragged Back Onto Televisions

Continuing the dismal trend of digging up the lifeless corpses of '70s and '80s television shows, painting them up pretty, and watching them decay over a single season of broadcast television (ed: see Knight Rider, The Bionic Woman, web-slingers!), ABC is reportedly close to ordering a pilot for a new adaptation of Charlie's Angels.

The latest revival will be the third attempt, looming under the finger-gunned ladyshadows of plans made in 1988 and 2004 that never reached campy eroticism actualization.

No word on how this will affect plans for a third Charlie Angel movie. The two surely can't run parallel; the heavens could never stand to loan mankind six slutty-looking women all at once.

Nov 12 2009 OK, I Understand the 'Monopoly' Movie Now

And it sounds terrible. Read this description by story writer Frank Beddor, and you too can enjoy the knowledge that Ridley Scott's Monopoly isn't going to be as much like Blade Runner with Monopoly as previously described. It's more like something between a Parker Bros. sponsored Wizard of Oz and history's goofiest Twilight Zone episode:

"I created a comedic, lovable loser who lives in Manhattan and works at a real estate company and he’s not very good at his job but he’s great at playing Monopoly. And the world record for playing is 70 straight days – over 1,600 hours – and he wanted to try to convince his friends to help him break that world record. They think he is crazy. They kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there’s this big fight. And he’s holding a Chance card and after they’ve left he says, ‘Damn, I wanted to use that Chance card,’ and he throws it down. He falls asleep and then he wakes up in the morning and he’s holding the Chance card, and he thinks, ‘That’s odd.’"

Can you see where this is going? Let's continue then...

Continue Reading " OK, I Understand the 'Monopoly' Movie Now "

Nov 12 2009 Another Once-Great Actor Lost to Fockers Franchise

First De Niro, then Hoffman, now Keitel:

Harvey Keitel has joined the cast of Universal and Tribeca Prods.' "Meet the Fockers" sequel.

Regulars Ben Stiller, Teri Polo, Robert De Niro, Blythe Danner and Owen Wilson are returning, along with newcomers Jessica Alba and Laura Dern.

Paul Weitz ("In Good Company") is directing the film, which has the working title of "Little Fockers," since it focuses on the main couple's children. Keitel will play a contractor employed by Stiller's character.

Truly there is no greater tribute to any of the 70s' greatest actors than one day giving them each the chance to act incredulous that Ben Stiller's last name sounds so much like "fucker."

Nov 10 2009 'Mad Men' Creator Goes Romantic Comedy

Whether you loved or hated this summer's breakout hit The Hangover, I'm guessing you, like every other human, probably walked away from the film with one primary thought pounding at your braindoor: Why was Jennifer Aniston not in this instead of Ed Helms? I DON'T KNOW WHY. NO ONE KNOWS.

But relax; it is being corrected by Mad Men's Matthew Weiner:

With another season of "Mad Men" now under his belt, Matthew Weiner is getting serious about his feature career.

The creator-exec producer of the AMC/Lionsgate TV drama had planned to spend some of his "Mad Men" hiatus helming his first feature, a romantic comedy that he wrote during his "Sopranos" days. "You Are Here" has lined up indie financing and a marquee-friendly cast that includes Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis.

I'm not sure how this movie will sweep the Primetime Television Emmys, but I'm confident it will find a way.

Nov 10 2009 New Entry in Vampire Movie Genre Emerges

We've got vampire horror films, vampire teen melodramas, vampire apprentices, vampire Mel Brooks spoofs; where do we go from here, vampire movies? Amy Heckerling, writer and director of Look Who's Talking and Clueless has the answer: vampire Sex and the City. This should get those hold-outs who felt Twilight's Washington setting was too backwoodsy:

The [romantic comedy Vamps] will be a modern-day tale of two young female vampires living the good life in New York until love enters the picture and each has to make a choice that will jeopardise their immortality.

Krysten Ritter is on board as one of the female leads with additional casting underway.

Don't settle down, vampire Carrie! Everyone knows moving to Connecticut makes shopping vampires mortal!

I can't wait until this vampire thing plays itself out and we can get back to making trite, shitty films without forcing in a paranormal twist.

Nov 10 2009 'Battleship' Movie Will Recreate Board Game's Classic Battle of Boats Versus...

Aliens?

[Director Peter] Berg himself has said that the film is a contemporary story of an international five-ship fleet engaged in a very dynamic, violent and intense battle, BUT he didn't say anything or give any details about the enemy.

THAT WAS TILL NOW.

A source has confirmed with me that the enemies will be ALIENS!

Of course. I always knew man alone didn't possess the microtechnology necessary to construct a ship only two pegs long.

Guess Who Is Trying To Sink Your Battleship [Latino Review]

Nov 10 2009 Winona Ryder Is a Dancer, Joins Aronofsky's Next

Good news, Winona Ryder's agent! Winona Ryder is going to be in another movie!

Winona Ryder is in talks to co-star in Darren Aronofsky's supernatural thriller "Black Swan" opposite Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Set in the New York ballet world, the story centers on a veteran dancer (Portman) and a rival (Kunis) who are tangled in a manipulative relationship, but it's unclear whether the rival is real or a figment of the ballet dancer's imagination. Ryder will play a fellow dancer.

I get it: lure out-of-touch Gen-Xers in with the promise of Winona Ryder, then reveal to them the new, younger models of hip, dark-haired thin babes we now have to fawn over. Clever, Aronofsky. You'll acculturate them yet.

Nov 10 2009 'Spider-Man 4': Rachel McAdams Up for Black Cat??? Unknown Male Up for Male Villain???

With Batman sequel rumors calming momentarily, let's take some time to concentrate on different superhero movie casting speculation that probably won't end up being true. Like, did you hear how Rachel McAdams (and a guy) might be in Spider-Man 4???

Rachel McAdams has met with the producers of the film for a major role. McAdams (of 'Wedding Crashers' and 'Sherlock Holmes' fame) is said to be a top contender for the role of Felicia Hardy, known to comic fans as The Black Cat.

Fans recall that when Spidey first encounters the Black Cat, she's a cat burgler looking to free her ailing father from prison. She becomes smitten with the web-slinger, to the point of a stalker-level obsession. Later stories had Peter reciprocating her affection and her becoming a lover, a friend and ally (the perfect thing to allow Sony to create a Spidey spin-off).

And it looks like it'll be a two-villain movie. Our source also says they are casting for a male villain, but had few details. However, this would seem to discount the idea that Lizard is the primary, since the role of Dr. Conners has been cast since movie #2.

I guess Sam Raimi is hoping Spider-Man plots are like odometers, where if you stack on enough romantic conflicts and superfluous villains, eventually they'll roll over into a reasonable number again.

Nov 9 2009 Always Remember the Parade of 1000 Rockys (Rockies?)

In need of a reason to dress up uniformly and walk around together now that Halloween zombie walks are over, citizens of Philadelphia gathered yesterday to put on yellow robes, run on steps, punch meat, and celebrate the Blu-ray release of Rocky: The Undisputed Collection. Also, Danny Bonaduce was there. (He played Rocky, right? OK, that makes perfect sense, then.)

There is video evidence:

Continue Reading " Always Remember the Parade of 1000 Rockys (Rockies?) "

Nov 6 2009 Bradley Cooper Joins Crazy Power-Granting Pill Movie

Forget mobile phone-based thrillers, everyone. We've got a new ridiculous, specific brand of mysterious-agents-chasing-a-guy thriller on the way that sounds even better (stupider): the magic pill that makes you rich and powerful thriller! Finally, a film that turns Kids in the Hall's Brain Candy into something terrible. From Variety:

"The Hangover" star Bradley Cooper has signed on to star in Relativity Media suspense thriller "Dark Fields."

Neil Burger ("The Illusionist") is onboard to direct.

Project is described as a what-if story about a designer drug that can make you rich and powerful. Eddie (Cooper) is a down-and-out New York writer until he possesses a pill that gives him the ability to access the full capacity of his brain. He soon realizes that his newfound intelligence and success come at a hefty price as mysterious forces begin to pursue him.

That sounds really good. I really wish I could buy the cocktail napkin where the writer first scrawled, "something with some kind of really awesome pill?" That's going to be worth so much some day.

Nov 5 2009 'Ghost Rider 2' is Darker, Still with Nicolas Cage

Yeah, someone still thinks it's a good idea to make another movie about Nicolas Cage riding a motorcycle and sometimes having a flaming skull head.

Screenwriter David Goyer recently talked to MTV about the project, and made sure to drop the superhero movie buzzword, "darker," so that we might think Ghost Rider is somehow going to be the next Dark Knight:

"It's not exactly a reboot," said Goyer, who's currently hard at work on his "FlashForward" television series. "I hate to say it's more realistic, because he's got a flaming skull for a head, but it's a bit more stripped down and darker. It's definitely changing tone. What 'Casino Royale' was to the Bond movies, hopefully this will be to 'Ghost Rider.'"

The "Ghost Rider" sequel is planned to "roll before cameras next year," according to Goyer, who also said that Nicolas Cage is currently still attached to the lead role of Johnny Blaze.

"This story picks up eight years after the first film," said Goyer. "You don't have to have seen the first film. It doesn't contradict anything that happened in the first film, but we're pretending that our audience hasn't seen the first film. It's as if you took that same character where things ended in the first film and then picked it up eight years later—he's just in a much darker, existential place."

A darker, more existential Ghost Rider? Sorry, but that already exists, guys:

Continue Reading " 'Ghost Rider 2' is Darker, Still with Nicolas Cage "

Nov 5 2009 Roland Emmerich Working on 2012: The Television Series

Titled 2013, naturally:

“The plan is that it is 2013 and it’s about what happens after the disaster,” Emmerich told EW while walking the red carpet for the 2012 premiere Tuesday. “It is about the resettling of Earth. That is very, very fascinating. (2012 writer/producer) Harald Kloser and I came up with the idea and we have the luxury of having a producer on the film who is a big TV producer, Mark Gordon. We said to Mark, ‘Why don’t you do a TV show that picks up where the movie leaves off and call it 2013?’ I think it will focus on a group of people who survived but not on the boats … maybe they were on a piece of land that was spared or one that became an island in the process of the crust moving. There are so many possibilities of what they could do and I’d be excited to watch it.”

There are so many possibilities for what they could do in post-disaster-ravaged Earth! The characters could search through rubble; give the millions of mutilated bodies proper burials; futilely forage for nourishment in the scorched, barren landscape; turn to cannibalism, eating former friends and family out of desperation; eventually starve to death; build a hut--the options are limitless! Well, I suppose limited by Earth's delicate ecosystem being utterly destroyed, but otherwise limitless.

Nov 5 2009 Risk: The Film of World Domination

Realizing there were still board games not yet arbitrarily being made into feature films, Sony announced yesterday they had purchased the movie rights to Risk. Because moving representative armies around a board and getting angry with your backstabbing friends for several hours is a good movie plot:

Sony Pictures announced today it's acquired the motion picture rights to the board game of world conquest, "Risk", from Hasbro. Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach, presidents of Columbia Pictures, say the film will be produced and developed by Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir and Overbrook Entertainment's James Lassiter. Belgrad pointed to the success of movies from toys Transformers and G.I. Joe (but not to the dismal movie from the board game Clue) to claim audiences have "shown a great desire for films that bring to life everything that has made these franchise properties stand the test of time."

Screenwriters, I suggest you start the story in Australia and move on from there. Unless you're starting with a great plot foundation in North or South America, in which case just go for it there.