Sep 26 2008 George Clooney Playing 'Lone Ranger'? Why Not

Following yesterday's announcement that Johnny Depp will be playing Tonto in Jerry Bruckheimer's The Lone Ranger, rumor is spreading that George Clooney will be taking the role of the masked hero himself. Of course. Why wouldn't he be? From AICN:

Word as of now is that George Clooney has shown a lot of interest in the role of the Lone Ranger, and the studio's been talking to him about it. Previously it was rumored that Nic Cage was up for the role, but that rumor died a long time ago. Clooney's name has come up quite a number of times since.

There was once a time when news of a Lone Ranger movie would lead to me say something like, "Yikes, let me guess, you get Clooney to play the goofy-but-handsome lead, Johnny Depp as Tonto, and you have Jerry Bruckheimer add some explosions," and everyone would say, "Laugh out loud! You're a great satirist! That is so what Hollywood would do--only they obviously won't really do that because it's too typically "Hollywood" even for them. The only way it would be more ridiculous is with Nic Cage in the lead." But if they're going to actually do that, even to the point of considering making it a Nicolas Cage vehicle, where can I go from there? Suggest Michael Bay direct? Offer that they make it a cross-over with the upcoming disaster/action/awesome-shit take on Moby Dick? Ponder how Bruckheimer somehow beat Judd Apatow into putting Seth Rogen and Kal Penn in the saddles? It's getting really hard to parody Hollywood when they've already drawn such an accurately grotesque caricature of themselves.

Sep 25 2008 Johnny Depp Playing Sparrow, Hatter, Native American

Disney has revealed that Johnny Depp will be returning to screens as Captain Jack Sparrow in a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean, has joined the cast of The Lone Ranger as Tonto, and, as rumored, will play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland adaptation. In celebration of the announcement, Disney decided to humiliate the actor:

In addition to Depp, who took the stage dressed as Jack Sparrow while wearing the Lone Ranger mask, this year’s event also featured the cast of "High School Musical" plus Dwayne Johnson, Miley Cyrus, John Travolta and Robin Williams. Adam Sandler appeared in a pretaped sequence with the studio chairman. And Cook even had a conversation with the four-legged star of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

"So, Johnny, we were thinkin' it might be fun if you dressed up as Captain Sparrow for our little announcement party. How 'bout it?"

"Uhhh, yeah, I don't know..."

"Come on, Johnny. It would really mean a lot to us. It'll be great."

"Well, you guys have always been good to me, so OK, I'll wear it."

"Also, this black mask."

"What?"

"You know, like Lone Ranger."

"But I'm not playing the Lone Ranger; I'm playing Tonto. And why would I be dressed as both Lone Ranger and a pirate at the same time? This doesn't make any sense."

"Still though. Everyone will love it. Come on, Johnny."

"Fine, I'll wear the mask."

"And this crazy hat."

"No."

"FINE. Be that way. Just don't interrupt me when I'm having the conversation with the dog."

Disney, Depp return to 'Caribbean' [Variety]

Mar 28 2008 'Lone Ranger' is Getting Brucked

Jerry Bruckheimer has a reputation for finding ways to fill any movie with enough star power, CGI, and/or explosions to pander to the unwashed masses, no matter what the subject. But after bringing life to the non-existent ghost-pirate-Disney-ride genre with Pirates of the Caribbean, can even the man often dubbed an "über-producer" revitalize the waning Lone Ranger franchise? I guess we'll find out, as Jerry and Disney have plans to try bringing the masked cowboy to screens.

Bruck has some of his best men (the writers of Pirates) on the script, but trade mag The Hollywood Reporter still doubts the ascotted horseman's viability in modern times, noting such problems as "wearing a mask, using only silver bullets, [and] a creed that includes not killing your fellow man." So apparently the thin line between Batman-level popularity and increasing cultural obscurity is drawn at the ability to kill a werewolf?

Disney preps 'Lone Ranger' remake [Hollywood Reporter]

Oct 24 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...

- Jessica Biel will play the lead in Die a Little, a role she reportedly took in place of Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, I will have sex with an older, barely-conscious woman I find at a bar, taking the place of my fantasies of Jessica Biel as Wonder Woman. [Variety]

- Ty Burell has joined the cast of The Incredible Hulk as the green-haired, super-strong Doc Sampson. Burell can currently be seen on Fox's Back to You, which should not be considered an endorsement to watch that for any reason. [IGN]

- Pirates of the Caribbean writers Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot are working on a Lone Ranger script for producer Jerry Bruckheimer, who will mold it into a multi-billion dollar turd. (PS: Entertainment Weekly, you're really stretching with that "Kemo-savvy" headline.) [EW]

- Leslie Mann has joined the cast of 17 as the wife of Zac Efron, a man who awakens to find himself in the body of a 17-year-old boy again. It all sounds a bit ridiculous to me. I mean, Zac Efron with a wife? [Hollywood Reporter]