Sep 23 2009 'Stan Helsing' Trailer: The Unofficial, Straight-to-Video 'Scary Movie 5'

Here's a trailer that within moments will make you ask, "Dear god, who is making something this terrible?" and then promptly answer, "One of the guys who brought you Scary Movie [obviously]!"

As the title implies, Stan Helsing focuses on a terrible parody of Van Helsing (played by someone who appears to be Mark McGrath dressed as Axl Rose) fighting terrible parodies of Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, Chucky, Michael Myers, and Leatherface (Fweddy, Mason, Needlehead, Lucky, Michael Criers and Pleatherface--seriously). And since one clearly needs assistance for such a daunting, sure-to-be-hilarious task, he brings along two babes and Kenan Thompson in a Superman suit.

It looks even worse than that sounds. As in it begins with a joke about how, with enough forced grunting, pumping and spraying a Super Soaker is reminiscent of masturbating and ejaculating:

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Feb 27 2008 How Many Jokes Can You Cram on the 'Superhero Movie' Poster?

Let's count!

1. Simon Rex's equivalent of The Human Torch has caught himself on fire. See, traditionally The Human Torch has the power to manipulate fire at will. Why would he catch himself on fire?!

2. Wolverine is using said fire to roast marshmallows--on his claws! One would normally use a device that is not part of their mutant anatomy, like a long fork that doesn't come out of your wrist.

3. Leslie Nielsen's shirt says "With great power comes hot bitches"; the actual Spider-Man quote is "With great power comes great responsibility." This is funny because it's like a BustedTee, which are always funny.

4. Wolverine's middle claw is slightly longer than the other two. Those familiar with gestural expletives will love this one.

5. Storm is surprised she's electrocuting Professor X's penis.

6. The Cerebro helmet Professor X wears to focus his psychic powers is being used as a drink hat, an established comic prop. And he's black.

7. Though not explicitly laid out, the maturity of the rest of the gags imply Dragonfly guy probably has his penis in the popcorn. And he's giving Pamela Anderson a wet willy, which is sort of a joke if you're 8 and disgusting.

8. Pamela Anderson wears a necklace that says "Dynamic Duo". This term is synonymous with fictional crimefighters Batman and Robin, but holds a lewder meaning when balanced across Anderson's un-aging cleavage.

9. The unfortunate participation of all these desperate actors.

Did I miss any? It's hard for me to see them with my eyes squinted in unending laughter.

'Superhero Movie' Poster Premiere [Cinematical]