Oct 28 2008 Jonas Brothers Starring in Farting Dog Movie

For the last month, the box office has been dominated largely by half-CGI dogs and, more recently, strained Disney Channel musical acts, so while I can't say this news is a surprise, I can say that it makes me choke back puke:

Fox has locked the Jonas Brothers to make their feature starring debut in "Walter the Farting Dog." Based on a bestselling series of books by William Kotzwinkle and Glenn Murray, the film is being adapted by Alec Sokolow and Joel Cohen into a family film that will revolve around Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, as well as their younger brother Frankie.

Phew, thank god you're getting younger brother Frankie involved. Get that kid in on the act before he experiences the desires that your chastity vows deny! He's already eight; why isn't he on my posters??

The title character in the "Walter" books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away.

Ahhh, they're playing MUSICIANS--like they actually are! I smell musical numbers! And comic farts! What's an example of how this would play out though?

"By the time they've driven the dog home, everybody's head is out the window of the family station wagon but Frankie, and only because he has a serious sinus problem and doesn't notice the stench coming from Walter."

Hah! Serious medical issue! Classic! All this film needs now is a jewel heist, invoking that weird, specific kids' movie cliché of kids stopping bumbling criminal caricatures.

While his brothers play music, Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves.

And you know what else? Peter and Bobby Farrelly are directing. Remember in junior high and high school, after Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary, when you'd say how much you loved those guys? Well, they've since made The Heartbreak Kid, Fever Pitch, Stuck on You, and now Fart Dog, and I think it's time to definitively amend that statement to, "I loved those guys for a brief period in junior high and high school."

Sep 26 2007 Jonas Brothers are Disney's New Hanson, Earth's New Evil

Following the success of other teen musical stars like Hannah Montana, the Cheetah Girls, those little assholes from High School Musical, and others I'm surely forgetting, Disney is setting its sights on making the Jonas Brothers the next Tiger Beat sensation.

Kevin, Joe, and Nick (your guess is as good as mine as to who's who) will star as the cleverly-titled J.O.N.A.S.--Junior Operatives Networking as Spies--who thwart evil while working undercover as a superstar teen rock band. The nation breathes a collective sigh of relief that someone is picking up the work of Josie and the P****cats, absent save for a brief appearance since 1972.

Next, these little shits will hit the big screen in Disney's Camp Rock playing, in a bit of a casting twist, a superstar teen rock band that helps out in a rock camp. It's something like School of Rock but without any of the charm, replacing that with the intention of getting 12-year-old girls off.

Disney also plans a televised concert for the little pricks, to be immediately followed by a worldwide psychological reassessment to determine exactly why we'd allow the creation of another Hanson.

Disney spree for Jonas sibs [Hollywood Reporter]