Sep 22 2009 John Malkovich Playing a Jockey?

That doesn't make sense, does it? He's 6'1". Yet still:

John Malkovich is set to join "Secretariat," the Randall Wallace-directed drama for Disney.

Malkovich will play Lucien Laurin, the former jockey who became the trainer of the 1973 Triple Crown-winning racehorse. At the core of the film is the relationship between the horse and his owner, Penny Chenery (played by Diane Lane), a housewife who knew little about horse racing when she took over her ailing father's Virginia horse farm.

Disney, if I want to watch a film about the relationship between a racehorse and its owner who knows little about the sport, I'll stick with with Hot to Trot. That way I also get the added benefits of a full monthly dose of talking horses and Bobcat Goldthwait voice.

Feb 12 2009 Malkovich Fighting Deformed Confederate Soldier

There are less than two years left before the end of the decade, and we still haven't made every comic book into a movie yet. It's going to be really tough to hit our deadline, but we've got everyone doing overtime on this one, so I'm hopeful. And we've got an update on the Jonah Hex front: director Jimmy Hayward is diligently working on his adaptation of the comic no one has really heard of, and he's just added a Malkovich to the cast:

John Malkovich will square off against Josh Brolin in "Jonah Hex," the Warner Bros. adaptation of the DC Comics property that begins production in April.

Malkovich will play Turnbull, a wealthy Southern plantation owner whose son is killed by Union soldiers during the Civil War. He blames Hex, a former confederate soldier-turned-hardened bounty hunter and gunslinger. Jimmy Hayward ("Horton Hears a Who") is directing the script by "Crank" scribes Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor.

Malkovich as a wealthy Southern plantation owner? I thought there was a law in place that all depictions of wealthy Southern plantation owners had to be obese, such that the moist Southern heat makes them sweat enough to necessitate constant handkerchief dabbing. Maybe I'm mixing up wealthy Southern plantation owners and charismatic Southern attorneys.

Malkovich, Brolin set for 'Hex' [Variety]

Sep 12 2008 'Changeling' Trailer Does Not Contain Awesome CGI Morphing

When the LAPD returns Angelina Jolie-character's lost son to her, she thinks it's a dream come true. That is, until she realizes, "Wait a minute, LAPD, this isn't my kid! This is a trained dolphin you've put in a special land suit and boy costume!" But, of course, the corrupt LAPD is like, "No, that is definitely your son, and even if it were a dolphin in a special land suit, dolphins are very intelligent creatures, and you should be marveling that we've found a way to make it walk on land as if it's a boy." This argument goes back and forth for the length of a movie, and that's the movie, Changeling.

Sounds good, right? Except that they took out the dolphin part. It's just a lady whining about having the wrong human son. Isn't that a let down? Even though Clint Eastwood directed this, so it will probably be decent and up for some awards, it's always going to have that "why isn't there a dolphin in a land suit?" cloud looming over its accolades. Here's the trailer:

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Aug 8 2008 New 'Burn After Reading' Featurettes Show Impressive Idiot Characterization

Want to see Brad Pitt act like a dolt and George Clooney act like a womanizer (more than usual)? Believe me, you do, so watch these new Burn After Reading character featurettes. The variety and complexity of Pitt's dimwit expressions are guaranteed to impress.

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May 30 2008 The Coens' 'Burn After Reading' Trailer Must be Watched

Who would have thought you could combine the talents of George Clooney and Brad Pitt yet not focus on how suave and charming they are? The Coen Brothers, that's who. And they've added John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, and J.K. Simmons into the dark spy-comedy Burn After Reading. After watching the trailer, knowing that I have to wait until September to see the full product, I'm going to hate toiling through summer more than the elderly. Note: the trailer is R-rated for language and the feeling of intense pleasure it gives you that is normally reserved for adults. Watch it below the cut or by clicking around iTunes.

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Apr 30 2008 Coens' 'Burn After Reading' Stills: Pitt is a Douche, Clooney Regrets Love-Making

Over at First Showing, the first production stills from the Coen Brothers' Burn After Reading have popped up. Of course, being that it's a new dark comedy from the Coens, I'm ridiculously enthusiastic about these images, but I can't help but feel there's a bit too much winking at the audience going on with Brad Pitt's oafish gym employee character. Brad Pitt is a huge star, and People Magazine told me he's the sexiest man alive during certain years, but now he has ridiculous bleached tips and works at a gym!? That's crazy! Though, at the same time, if Brad Pitt weren't a huge star and occasionally the sexiest man alive, he probably would have bleached tips and work at a gym. So maybe this is just great casting.

More shots--including George Clooney hamming up post-coital regret in country-style patriotic bedding--here.

Sep 24 2007 'Burn After Reading' Destroys Brad Pitt's Sinuses

If there was any doubt in your head that you wanted to see the Coen Brothers' Burn After Reading (even with John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt in the cast?!), let this little gem quell your doubts. On the set of the film this Sunday, Pitt was seen with a bloody nose and a bike helmet, screaming expletives. Print this out and it's perfect for acting out all of your aggression towards the rich and famous in a non-illegal manner. You may have great looks, tons of money, and a phenomenally beautiful wife, but look how I busted your grill, you bitch. Plus, you still have all those kids who are definitely going to resent you in a few years, so enjoy it while it lasts, pretty boy.

Brad Pitt Has a Bloody Nose [Just Jared]