Oct 29 2009 Jessica Biel Starring in New Comedy About Couple Having Regular Sex
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Jessica Biel is attached to star in a new comedy in which--get this!--she agrees to have sex with her fiancé EVERY DAY (until their wedding)! CRAZY:
The actress is attached to star in and produce rookie screenwriter Julia Brownell's original screenplay "F***ing Engaged," a raunchy comedy about a couple who make a pact to have sex every day leading to their wedding so they don't turn into their crusty old parents.
Yeah, sex every day until your wedding! That will stop you from becoming your crusty old parents! I'm not sure how that will work, since after marriage is typically when the sex would taper off, turning you into your crusty old parents, but whatever. I'm sure it will work out.
Is this writer's entire notion of human sexuality derived from episodes of Married with Children and Everybody Loves Raymond? A young couple having daily sex isn't really that absurd of a concept, is it? Unless we're talking about the lady enjoying it too, am I right, dudes?! 'Cause ladies are all frigid and stuff! We're all like, "Give me the intercourse," and they're like, "Nuh-uh! I hate sex, Raymond!"
Oct 22 2009 'A-Team' Set Visit: 'ET' Asks the Questions You Weren't Concerned About
Joe Carnahan's A-Team is currently shooting in Vancouver, and, for some reason, the sociomutants at Entertainment Tonight were allowed on set for a first look at the film. In this video, see: "Rampage" Jackson as Baracus! "Rampage" Jackson attempting to act! Bradley Cooper making jokes! An ET reporter attempting to interact in a way that won't reveal he's an alien! And slightly more!
Have it:
Continue Reading " 'A-Team' Set Visit: 'ET' Asks the Questions You Weren't Concerned About "
Oct 6 2009 Jessica Biel's 'A-Team' Costume Cloaks Her Military Rank
In case you missed the photos on The Superficial, here's the first look at Jessica Biel in her role as a general pursuing the A-Team. Apparently she'll be playing one of those leggy, sexy, carefully-styled, form-fitting trenchcoat-wearing generals. Classic general type. I hear they're the most fun to serve under.
Sep 22 2009 'Valentine's Day' Trailer: Another VoltRom-Com Fuses Several Romantic Comedies Into One Powerful Monster
Can you believe that, come Valentine's Day, it will have been almost exactly one year since we last saw roughly a dozen celebrities of various caliber crammed into a single romantic comedy in which every other piece of dialogue has to reiterate the title? (See He's Just Not That Into You, web-slingers.) Thankfully, that will be the exact day that a new VoltRom-Com takes the throne, appropriately titled Valentines Day. This one manages to cram in two Roberts (Julia, Emma), two Grey's Anatomi, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Queen Latifah, and the two celebrities most noted for being "so fucking hot" before the arrival of Megan Fox (Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel).
The trailer feels like watching an Oscars montage reel for The Year in Romantic Comedy. Or, maybe more accurately, like simultaneously hearing the scream of every single ugly friend that ever had to listen to their extremely attractive friend complain about relationships that ever existed:
Sep 16 2009 Jessica Biel Adding Broad-Shouldered Babe Element to 'A-Team'
The A-Team has added that attractive older girl from 7th Heaven to its cast, says Variety:
Jessica Biel and Sharlto Copley ("District 9") are in final talks for Fox's "A-Team," opposite Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson.Copley will portray helicopter pilot Capt. "Howling Mad" Murdock, a role originated by Dwight Schultz in the original series. Biel's set to play the ex-love of Cooper's character "Faceman," the general pursuing the team.
Jessica Biel is playing a general? I suppose I can see that. They do make military camouflage bikinis, right?
Jan 16 2009 'Planet 51' Trailer Combines...
...the pop-culture-laden, celebrity-voiced green-creature-filled world of Shrek, the space traveler in suburbia scenario of Suburban Commando, and the outsider invading the idyllic '50s neighboorhood-ness of Pleasantville? I think that works.
Dec 10 2008 Trailer for the Movie Where Jessica Biel Strips
Here's the trailer for Powder Blue, a movie notable because Jessica Biel takes it a step past I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and takes the bra off this time. It goes without saying, this thing is going to be huge at the box office. Just as soon as box office numbers find a way to include how many people have only watched a nude scene compilation on YouTube.
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Oct 14 2008 'Easy Virtue' Poster Exhibits Virtue of Chihuahua Inclusion
Empire has premiered the UK poster for Easy Virtue, the upcoming adaptation of the Noel Coward play of the same name. Unfortunately, it looks like they accidentally posted an uncompleted version of the poster. Here's the final:
I like how it reminds me of how great chihuahuas are.
Nov 5 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...
- Comedian Zach Galifianakis has nabbed roles as Ashton Kutcher's best friend in What Happens in Vegas... and as a government scientist in charge of a guinea pig commando program in G-Force. This gives me an excuse to post one of my favorite things ever. [Hollywood Reporter]
- Sylvester Stallone is in talks to direct and star as a man turned vigilante after his family is attacked in a remake of Death Wish, a title begging for jokes about his age. [Variety]
- Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel have joined David O. Russell's political satire about a woman shot in the head with a nailgun, giving her wild sexual urges, and the immoral congressman who takes advantage. Is it wrong that I'm most excited at the possibility of more videos of Russell freaking out on people? [Hollywood Reporter]
- Hayden Christensen will star in Beast of Bataan, playing the attorney to Masaharu Homma, the Japanese general implicated in the Bataan Death March. How tasteless will it be when they play Beast of Burden in the trailer? [Hollywood Reporter]
Oct 24 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...
- Billy Ray Cyrus has been cast as the lead in a non-PAX-sponsored movie, blowing my achy-breaky mind. [Hollywood Reporter]
- Jessica Biel will play the lead in Die a Little, a role she reportedly took in place of Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, I will have sex with an older, barely-conscious woman I find at a bar, taking the place of my fantasies of Jessica Biel as Wonder Woman. [Variety]
- Ty Burell has joined the cast of The Incredible Hulk as the green-haired, super-strong Doc Sampson. Burell can currently be seen on Fox's Back to You, which should not be considered an endorsement to watch that for any reason. [IGN]
- Pirates of the Caribbean writers Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot are working on a Lone Ranger script for producer Jerry Bruckheimer, who will mold it into a multi-billion dollar turd. (PS: Entertainment Weekly, you're really stretching with that "Kemo-savvy" headline.) [EW]
- Leslie Mann has joined the cast of 17 as the wife of Zac Efron, a man who awakens to find himself in the body of a 17-year-old boy again. It all sounds a bit ridiculous to me. I mean, Zac Efron with a wife? [Hollywood Reporter]
Sep 28 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...
- Jessica Biel decided to pass on a role in Justice League of American, meaning the actress won't be wearing the Wonder Woman outfit. Guess it's back to drawing Jessica Biel wearing the Wonder Woman outfit. [EW]
- Jackass's Steve-O mentioned to Howard Stern that he's resting up for a third film in the series, which will start shooting in January. This means no hanging things from his scrotum until after the new year. [/Film]
- David Goyer, writer of Batman Begins, Blade, Dark City, The Crow: City of Angels, will direct Baltimore, or The Steadfast Tin Soldier and the Vampire. His parents and teachers pray this "dark and stormy vampire thing" is just a phase. [Variety]
- Wes Anderson's first film, Bottle Rocket, is finally getting the high-end DVD treatment it deserves with Criterion re-releasing it in their usual glory. It's now officially pretentious and cool to like it. [MTV]
- Sir Ben Kingsley announced plans to play the emperor who built the Taj Mahal in memory of his late wife. It's all part of Kingsley's greater plan to play every historical Indian guy. [Reuters]
Sep 25 2007 Jessica Biel as Wonder Woman in Male Triumph
In a huge win for the male collective consciousness, Variety announced that Jessica Biel will very possibly wear a Wonder Woman outfit for Warner Bros' Justice League of America. Somehow, through our private fantasies and drunken conversations, wanting more than anything to see Jessica Biel jump around in a bikini with a lasso, we've willed this to happen. Congratulations.
Some nay-sayers may try to bring up the valid point that there are rumors JLA will be CGI, meaning we don't get to see a real Jessica Biel dressed as Wonder Woman. Rest assured, even if that is the case, FHM, Maxim, or some other douchebag publication will surely still get her in that costume. We've done it, male collective. Next, let's try to make Pamela Anderson young again.
Jessica Biel in talks for 'Justice' [Variety]
Aug 16 2007 Jessica Biel to Reveal Breasts, Butt
Page Six is reporting that Jessica Biel, who recently teased fans of voluptuous yet athletic women in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, will reveal two of the three female regions males most covet in Powder Blue. A source said Biel "signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see--including shots of her breasts and butt." Apparently there's also some kind of plot with a terminally ill kid and Forest Whitaker, but hopefully that won't detract too much from the glimpse of nipples.
UPDATE: I have fixed my spelling of Jessica Biel in the title, which was previously Bield.
Biel's Going Bare [NY Post]
May 9 2007 Jessica Biel is Hot, Chinese
"I would never be in a movie with Dane Cook like that Jessica Alba trollop."
Chun-Li from Street Fighter, that sixteen-bit sexpot spank material for adolescent boys before the advent of online porn, is supposedly going to be played by Jessica Biel in a new, disappointingly Van Damme-less movie version of the video game.
Jessica Biel doesn't look very much like a Chinese girl to me, but she does look like the girl I had sex with last night!
I taught her the old ping pong ball trick so the character would be more authentic. (Here's where I'd make that sound with my finger and cheek that they do at the beginning of "Lollypop")
Apr 19 2007 Adam Sandler in Movie With Jessica Biel's Boobs
So I was in the middle of thinking up one of those holy-crap-this-writes-itself bad Adam Sandler movie jokes while I was watching this trailer, and then about two minutes and eleven seconds into it I found all the blood in my body rushing away from my brain.
You all owe it to yourself to do a google image search on Jessica Biel. She makes my naughty parts tingle.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry Trailer:
See the hi-res version here
Feb 23 2007 Next Trailer
Based on a Philip K. Dick short story, Next tells the story of Cris Johnson (Nicolas Cage, for whatever reason), a man who can see into his own future and must avoid a government organization (led by Julianne Moore) while winning the heart of the future mother of his child (Jessica Biel). Even with the crazy seeing into the future part, the hardest concept for me to swallow is that Nic Cage would have a shot with Jessica Biel. Forget the government pursuit plot; you're going to need two hours just to convince me that a woman who looks like Jessica Biel would ever even look past this old guy's crazy hair. Trailer now available.
Jul 7 2006 The Illusionist Trailer
This is no illusion (wink)-- the trailer for The Illusionist has been released on AOL Movies. In the preview, a renowned illusionist (Edward Norton) and a fetching princess (Jessica Biel) fall for each other when he uses her as a volunteer in his act. It's basically like when a woman becomes infatuated with her rapist. Or maybe it's nothing like that, and my levels of respect for magic and rape are just very similar.
Jun 28 2006 The Illusionist Has a Poster
Here's the poster for The Illusionist, the story of a magician (Edward Norton) using his abilities to win the love of a woman (Jessica Biel) far above his social standing. I'm pretty sure it's just the life of David Copperfield, except instead of using illusions to win over supermodel Claudia Schiffer, Copperfield used a contract and large sums of money to fake a relationship. So maybe it's more like the story of Kevin Federline, but with magic instead of wife-beaters.
