Nov 4 2009 'Machete' Shuffles One Step Closer to Reality
With Robert Rodriguez every week claiming he's working on a new project (where are Sin City 2, Barbarella, and The Jetsons, Rob?) it's hard to take any film he says he'll do too seriously until there's hard evidence. Well, here's a little. Machete takes one dainty step towards actualization this week with the first character poster premiering at the American Film Market. I'll remain skeptical of its existence until I end up accidentally seeing it on a plane (even if I see it in a theater, only that later plane viewing will convince me of its existence). After all, the film will reportedly also star Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, and Steven Seagal, which sounds like such an incredibly unlikely, fake cast that it basically negates the reality any posters of Jessica Alba in Linda-Hamilton-in-Terminator mode.
Sep 30 2009 Jessica Alba's Next Part Will Be Attractive Human
Despite fears she could be typecasting herself, Jessica Alba has decided to embrace her attractive looks and play an attractive pharmaceutical representative in the final chapter of the Fockers trilogy. From THR:
The actress is in negotiations to join the Ben Stiller-Robert DeNiro comedy "Little Fockers." She'd play the role of an attractive pharmaceutical rep whose looks wreak havoc on male characters in the story.Paul Weitz is directing the third installment in the Universal and Tribeca Productions franchise. Production is set to begin in the next few months, with a 2010 release date more than likely.
The picture is expect to pick up where 2004's "Meet the Fockers" left off, with Stiller's Gaylord Focker and Teri Polo's Pamela Byrnes having a child (or children -- reports abound that they could be having twins).
How are they going to concentrate on her pharmaceutical pitches when her looks are so attractive??? This is going to wreak havoc on Ben Stiller and Robet DeNiro! Boners! What if they get boners???
Sep 22 2009 'Valentine's Day' Trailer: Another VoltRom-Com Fuses Several Romantic Comedies Into One Powerful Monster
Can you believe that, come Valentine's Day, it will have been almost exactly one year since we last saw roughly a dozen celebrities of various caliber crammed into a single romantic comedy in which every other piece of dialogue has to reiterate the title? (See He's Just Not That Into You, web-slingers.) Thankfully, that will be the exact day that a new VoltRom-Com takes the throne, appropriately titled Valentines Day. This one manages to cram in two Roberts (Julia, Emma), two Grey's Anatomi, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Queen Latifah, and the two celebrities most noted for being "so fucking hot" before the arrival of Megan Fox (Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel).
The trailer feels like watching an Oscars montage reel for The Year in Romantic Comedy. Or, maybe more accurately, like simultaneously hearing the scream of every single ugly friend that ever had to listen to their extremely attractive friend complain about relationships that ever existed:
Jun 10 2008 The Love Guru Plays 'The Joker.' That's It.
I know The Love Guru is loaded to capacity with classic physical comedy, hilarious hair appliances, both new and previously-seen midget jokes, and Justin Timberlake, but.... there's just something missing that's holding me back from being completely in love with this thing. Maybe... I dunno... a Steve Miller Band cover? Yes. Yes, that's definitely it. And not like a parody of the song with lyrics changed for humorous effect; just a straight in-character cover that has no obvious reason for being.
Oh, good, here's one.
Continue Reading " The Love Guru Plays 'The Joker.' That's It. "
May 15 2008 'The Love Guru' Poster Too Annoying for Thorough Commentary
Dear god. Every time I make painful eye contact with anyone on this poster, it feels like they're shooting beams of pure obnoxiousness straight into my head. Except Jessica Alba, of course--her eyes are still as empty and lifeless as her performances. But she sure is pretty!
May 7 2008 New 'Love Guru' Trailer: Midgets, Various Funny Hair Still Prominent Themes
You've probably heard racist jokes about how the Chinese drop silverware to name their children, or have hilarious penis-length-implication names like Long Wang (if not, now you have, and you should try to meet more racists). But you don't know the whole story. Mike Myers has some startling new racial naming evidence: it turns out Indians have funny names too! As the new Love Guru trailer shows, his Guru Pitka character was born in the town of--wait till you hear this--Harenmahkeester. Harenmahkeester! Like "hair on my keester"! Butt hair! Also proved funny: midgets, adult heads on child bodies (someone else has also just realized this), midgets, cross-eyes, and midgets.
Continue Reading " New 'Love Guru' Trailer: Midgets, Various Funny Hair Still Prominent Themes "
Mar 12 2008 'Meet Bill' Poster Looks Pensively Familiar
Like Garden State? Then you'll love Meet Bill! Or at least the part where he recreates awkwardly staring at the camera while matching the wallpaper. I can't wait for the scene where Jessica Alba plays him life-changing indie music.
Meet Bill Poster [IMPA]
Mar 3 2008 'Meet Bill' Trailer: Like 'American Beauty', but Feel-Goodier
Imagine if American Beauty had been written and directed with the sensibilities of a romantic comedy. It probably would have turned out something like Meet Bill, a film that strips the darkly comic elements from the loser-doormat-of-a-husband redemption story and replaces them with slapstick and poignant feel-good moments (the precocious protégé adjusts a banner of Bill's head, proclaiming, "I'm fixing your head. Get it?). But despite its saccharine flavor, Bill actually looks pretty enjoyable, helped by its charming lead (Aaron Eckhart) and a supporting cast that includes Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig, Elizabeth Banks, and, unfortunately, Jessica Alba, who continues to convince me she's just a sexy mannequin. Next time the script calls for "hot girl", could they try to find someone whose face isn't a permanent plastic grin?
Continue Reading " 'Meet Bill' Trailer: Like 'American Beauty', but Feel-Goodier "
Feb 29 2008 'The Love Guru' Trailer is...
I don't even know how to describe the painfulness of Mike Myers' The Love Guru trailer. "Austin Powers: new costume, same jokes" is appropriate, but doesn't really convey the way your brain shuts off around the point the midget jokes start (and never stop). At the same time, "brain Novocain in a sari" doesn't capture how sadly derivative it is, and omits the hilarity of the curly mustache. I guess the best I can do is "Mike Myers smothers your soul with the help of Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, prosthetic hair, midget jokes, and some penis references."
Thanks for the tip, Kyle.
Nov 27 2007 'The Eye' Trailer Campaigns Against Eye Transplants
From what I can discern from the trailer, the main point of The Eye is that you should never get a cornea transplant. Sure, you're blind, and a cornea transplant might restore your sight, but you also might get the eyes of the Sixth Sense kid, turning your life into an explosion-filled remake of an Asian horror movie.
Do the producers know someone they want to get bumped up on the transplant list by scaring others off it? Are they hoping to create such a cornea surplus that it will put an end to Jerry Orbach's aggressive campaign for eyeballs? Did they think a pair of sunglasses would hide Jessica Alba's poor acting? If you got a heart transplant from the same person who gave the ghost-seeing corneas, would it make you in love with ghosts? I think so.
Continue Reading " 'The Eye' Trailer Campaigns Against Eye Transplants "
Nov 9 2007 'The Eye' Poster: Like 'The Grudge', But With Fingers
You can practically see the exact line of thought went through to come up with this poster for The Eye:
"All right, well, obviously we'll show an eye."
"Ooo! That's good--like the title. I like it. Since it's Jessica Alba's eye, though, it isn't really that scary. Just a beautiful woman's eye."
"Right... Well, how about if we make the skin deathly anemic, like the ghosts in The Grudge and every other Asian horror movie?"
"That's pretty good. Speaking of The Grudge, though, now it looks just like the poster to The Grudge."
"OK, we'll make some fingers coming out of the eye then. That's scary, right? No one wants fingers coming out of their eye. Yuck! It would be gross and terrifying."
"You're absolutely right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just take one of the posters to Good Luck Chuck and replace Dane Cook with a ghost." (Note: this would have been an improvement to both this poster and Good Luck Chuck.)
'The Eye' Poster Premiere! [Cinematical]
Nov 8 2007 AM Poster Post: 'Awake' Poster has Awoken
Awake is about a guy waking up from his anesthesia during surgery, where he overhears the surgeons are plotting to kill him. So why does this poster, with a shaft of dramatic light illuminating the giant heads of Alba and Christensen, look so much like an alien abduction movie?
A better poster would be the Operation game board--that guy was always awake during surgery--with Hayden Christensen's head on it. And his red nose is lit up, and on it says "SURGEON MURDERERS ATTACKING ME!" I think that would really get the point across.
'Awake' Poster Premiere! [Cinematical]
Oct 29 2007 'Awake' Trailer is Its Own Anesthesia
Clay has got it all: Terrence Howard complimenting him, Jessica Alba bathing clothed with him, a mom who for some reason hates the idea of him marrying Jessica Alba. But, wouldn't you know it, he needs some sort of undefined chest surgery that might kill him.
Such is the plight of Hayden Christensen in Awake. And as if that's not bad enough, he ends up being one of these freaks who stays awake during the anesthesia, allowing him to hear Terrence Howard and Fisher Stevens plot to kill him during surgery and steal his fortune.
Aside from the obvious issue, that it's a plot salvaged from a rejected Days of Our Lives storyline, you might be wondering how they can build a movie around a motionless protagonist. The answer to that (I think) is by sending out a ghost/surgeon version of himself to get Jessica Alba to help him.
Yeah, I don't know either. The trailer is under the cut.
NOTE: That is Fisher Stevens, right? For some reason, the IMDB doesn't list him as part of the film. And you know that if Fisher Stevens is separating himself from a project, it must be worse than the Super Mario Bros. movie, Short Circuit 2 and every episode of Early Edition.
Oct 24 2007 First Look at Mike Myers as Guru, Jessica Alba as Self
Behold, the first shot from Mike Myers' newest comedic endeavor, The Love Guru, featuring Myers in the eponymous role alongside Ben Kingsley, Jessica Alba, and Justin Timberlake.
Explaining the long stretch of time from Austin Powers to his newest incarnation, Pitka, an American left in India as a child, Myers said:
I enjoy having the Lamaze birthing process of it. It usually takes me three, 3½ years in between characters. I've written and created everything I've done, and it takes me a year to reflect on what I've done, a year to let the idea incubate and a year to create.
Meanwhile, when asked how she was able to create yet another deep character that smiled and looked pretty, Jessica Alba, as usual, simply smiled and looked pretty, creating yet another layered character to use in a future role.
Comedy guru Mike Myers loves his characters [USA Today]
Oct 12 2007 'The Eye' Trailer Up in Ya Eye
When Hollywood needs horror, there's one foreign culture that always delivers: the Japanese. Their unique blend of sexual repression and futuristic technology infallibly produces terrifying ideas that can be remade in America as "The ________ (Ring, Grudge, Tentacle Rapist, etc.)"
The latest of this breed, The Eye, shows us what would happen if Jessica Alba had the eyes of Geordi La Forge, but then had them replaced with the eyes of Sixth Sense kid. Or they might just be eyes that are constantly playing The Grudge. It's hard to tell.
Thank Joe for the video.
UPDATE: Thanks for pointing out it was originally a Chinese film. So you can disregard the first paragraph, though it's still largely true.
Aug 7 2007 Good Luck Chuck Poster Muddled Together Again
The graphics department for Good Luck Chuck, Dane Cook's latest attempt to be funny, is continuing its trend of seamlessly editing together shots from different photo sessions. While I understand that it would be impossible for this shot to occur naturally, as Jessica Alba could never give such an adorable look to this douchebag, couldn't they at least hack this thing together in a more believable manner? I mean, kudos for cutting off the obnoxious hand gesture Cook is surely doing with his left hand, but this is ridiculous. Are they wafer thin or somehow molecularly fused? What is this entirely metallic world they're living in?
Better than your last effort though, boys.
Jul 27 2007 First Stills from The Eye
Bloody Disgusting got the first shots of Jessica Alba in yet another Japanese Asian horror remake, The Eye. While a woman screaming into an oven is probably one of the weakest, and possibly most misogynistic, images they could show, I'm grateful it's not some ghastly pale kid in mascara like I assume will be in every one of these remakes.
The Eye tells the story of a woman (Alba) that finds she can see into a supernatural world after receiving an eye transplant. She should be lucky she didn't get Jerry Orbach's eyes, which, of course, allow one to see wisecracks through crime scenes.
One more under the cut.
Jul 5 2007 Good Luck Chuck Red-Band Trailer
A red-band trailer for the Dane Cook/Jessica Alba comedy Good Luck Chuck has found its way online, complete with F-words and cum shots or whatever it is that makes trailers red-band. I haven't watched it out of fear it will make the sting that much greater when Cook or one of his fans inevitably steals my girlfriend, beats me up, and drenches me in their Coors-scented piss. But you should feel free to enjoy it.
Apr 25 2007 Fantastic Four 2 International Posters
Marvel has chosen a daring new campaign direction with their international Fantastic Four 2 posters by showing awkward portraits of the characters. My main concern with these is that it might urge some people to think, "Hey, weren't these the same guys in that really awful Fantastic Four movie a few years ago?" To which someone will surely reply, "Yes! They were!"
And it's not helping that they've airbrushed Jessica Alba into a mutant/wide-eyed Claire Forlani.
Nine (9!) more at Marvel's site.
