May 11 2009 This Prince of Persia Sure Is Fighting Some Guys
I remember reading somewhere that, prior to shooting Batman Begins, Christopher Nolan showed some of his crew Blade Runner to show them the look and feel he hoped to infuse into his superhero franchise.
Similarly, judging by these Prince of Persia clips, I'm guessing that tortoise-headed producer Jerry Bruckheimer showed his crew Aladdin and said, "Alright, make that, but also make Gladiator--and the Prince of Persia should fight a guy with Wolverine claws."
Continue Reading " This Prince of Persia Sure Is Fighting Some Guys "
May 5 2009 Nicolas Cage Film Takes Out an Institution
Disaster on the set of The Sorcerer's Apprentice! While shooting a car chase sequence in Times Square yesterday, a stuntman in a Ferrari lost control and crashed into the front of a Sbarro's, injuring two and temporarily shutting down the one place in the city to get a genuine New York slice:
A movie chase scene got too realistic early today when a car jumped a curb during a film shoot and smashed into the entrance of a Times Square restaurant, injuring two people, police and witnesses said.The action scene gone awry unfolded at the Sbarro at 47th Street and Seventh Avenue shortly before 1 a.m.
Street closing notices posted by the police indicated the shoot was for the Nicolas Cage film, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."
(via Digg)
Oh, good, Jerry Bruckheimer and National Treasure-director Jon Turteltaub managed to squeeze a high-speed Ferrari chase into The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Sounds like they might have slightly tweaked the original 1797 Goethe poem. Who would have thought?
Well, regardless, let's hope no one else gets injured during shooting. They still have to shoot the big scene where the apprentice fires a rocket launcher while hanging one-handed off the wing of a Harrier.
Crash video below the cut.
Continue Reading " Nicolas Cage Film Takes Out an Institution "
Dec 23 2008 Talking Animals Wearing Spy Gear
Christmas has come early, and at USA Today you can see even more photos from G-Force--of talking guinea pigs wearing espionage equipment, of course. The article also contains this quote:
The fate of the free world rests on [Darwin the guinea pig's] tiny shoulders? [Producer Jerry] Bruckheimer says: Why not?
Yeah, why not anything, right?
Jun 6 2008 Ben Kingsley Will Be 'Prince of Persia' Villainy Fellow
Earlier this week, news came that Ben Kingsley had joined the cast of Jerry Bruckheimer's attempt at making Prince of Persia: The Game into Prince of Persia: The Universally-Panned Movie, but it was unclear exactly which role the actor would later regret taking. Variety has now clarified:
Ben Kingsley will play the villain in Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer's bigscreen adapatation of the Ubisoft vidgame "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time."In the fantasy actioner, Kingsley portrays Nizam, who plots to kill his brother King Shahrman and blame it on Prince Dastan so he can take the throne.
Everyone can now rest well tonight, knowing Kingsley will be playing the stock evil-relative-after-the-throne villain.
Jun 3 2008 Respectable People Unexpectedly Join 'Prince of Persia'
Sir Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina have joined Jerry Bruckheimer's Prince of Persia video game adaptation, adding some unexpected credibility to the project that was already cleverly being referred to as "Prince of Turdsia" (by me).
Alfred Molina will join Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton and Ben Kingsley in Disney's "Prince of Persia," the Mike Newell-directed adaptation of the Ubisoft fantasy actioner. Jerry Bruckheimer is producing.Molina will play Sheik Amar, who becomes a mentor to the prince.
Sounds like Bruckheimer has finally figured out what separates the typical, detestable video game adaptation from the hypothetical idea of a good one: distinguished British accents. After all, what made the first two X-Men films some of the better comic book adaptations? The charming accents of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, of course. Why was the fantasy world of Lord of the Rings so rich and immersive? Because Ian McKellen's voice told us it was. Why did we believe that we too could enter a chalk drawing and sing nonsensical songs with cartoon horse spectators? Only because of the utterly convincing Cockney accent of Dick Van Dyke. It all makes sense now. If someone can get John Hurt to play Dr. Wiley in a Mega Man adaptation, it will probably win an Oscar.
Alfred Molina joins 'Prince of Persia' [Variety]
May 20 2008 Gyllenhaal, Arterton Join 'Prince of Persia', Because They're Both Clearly From That Region
After Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, Dead or Alive, Doom, Double Dragon, Hitman, House of the Dead, Dungeon Siege, Super Mario Bros., Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, Street Fighter, Tomb Raider, and Wing Commander, you'd think it would be getting pretty hard to find respectable actors willing to risk their reputation on a video game adaptation. Yet, for whatever reason, Jake Gyllenhaal and Bond girl up-and-comer Gemma Arterton have reportedly been persuaded to star in Jerry Bruckheimer's Prince of Persia. I suspect the cacophony of cash register bells that went off when they heard how much they'd get paid played a large part in the decision, but we can pretend it was that the director of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Love in the Time of Cholera (also, Mona Lisa Smile) is at the helm, giving Prince a slight edge over the usual Uwe Boll fare.
I haven't played the Prince of Persia games, so could someone tell me if there's a legitimate reason why blatant caucasians are playing the roles of Persian royalty? Is it like The Love Guru, where it's explained early on that he's actually a white American raised there, and thus not the new Charlie Chan, or are we just using Alec Guinness in Lawrence of Arabia as a standard now?
Mar 28 2008 'Lone Ranger' is Getting Brucked
Jerry Bruckheimer has a reputation for finding ways to fill any movie with enough star power, CGI, and/or explosions to pander to the unwashed masses, no matter what the subject. But after bringing life to the non-existent ghost-pirate-Disney-ride genre with Pirates of the Caribbean, can even the man often dubbed an "über-producer" revitalize the waning Lone Ranger franchise? I guess we'll find out, as Jerry and Disney have plans to try bringing the masked cowboy to screens.
Bruck has some of his best men (the writers of Pirates) on the script, but trade mag The Hollywood Reporter still doubts the ascotted horseman's viability in modern times, noting such problems as "wearing a mask, using only silver bullets, [and] a creed that includes not killing your fellow man." So apparently the thin line between Batman-level popularity and increasing cultural obscurity is drawn at the ability to kill a werewolf?
Disney preps 'Lone Ranger' remake [Hollywood Reporter]
Nov 1 2007 'National Treasure 2' Trailer is Great Tutorial for Screenwriting
How to write a National Treasure movie, as demonstrated in this new trailer to National Treasure: Book of Secrets:
1. Go by a screenwriting name that sounds like a PBS cartoon family. Book of Secrets is written by The Wibberleys, but something like The Flutentoots is fine too. Just make sure that saying it evokes the image of goofy animated morality tales and bright colors.
2. Get a 7th grade history textbook and, starting from a paragraph of your choice, create the craziest "what if" scenario you can think of. Don't be afraid to push the boundaries of your imagination into the realm of deeply insane or unfathomably stupid. That's actually encouraged.
3. Using the same textbook, flip to a random page and create another crazy scenario loosely based on a fact or term you find. If you're having trouble, look for something bolded.
4. Combine the two ideas. At this point, you should probably have something along the lines of "What if Batman read in the diary of John Wilkes Booth that his great-grandfather helped assassinate Lincoln, and what if a giant robot had to kidnap a U.S. president to get a book of every secret ever from him?
5. Like a bologna and cheese sandwich, when layered, these ideas will still look distinct and mismatched. Merge the crazy notions by replacing non-historical figures with Nicolas Cage. (Batman and a giant robot are just as viable options, but cost more than Nicolas Cage.)
6. Stretch your tissue thin idea into a two-hour screenplay. Pepper it with the pseudo-humor used by annoying uncles. Things like thinking it's funny to pretend you're hurt for a second, or pulling a book of secrets from behind someone's ear.
7. Well, you're done. If it hurts you to read, you probably did it right. And don't worry about any holes in the logic. Once Jerry Bruckheimer gets a hold of your masterpiece, he'll make it such a daze of explosions and car chases that no one will ever notice.
Thanks to Kyle for the tip.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets [Yahoo!]
Oct 24 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...
- Billy Ray Cyrus has been cast as the lead in a non-PAX-sponsored movie, blowing my achy-breaky mind. [Hollywood Reporter]
- Jessica Biel will play the lead in Die a Little, a role she reportedly took in place of Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, I will have sex with an older, barely-conscious woman I find at a bar, taking the place of my fantasies of Jessica Biel as Wonder Woman. [Variety]
- Ty Burell has joined the cast of The Incredible Hulk as the green-haired, super-strong Doc Sampson. Burell can currently be seen on Fox's Back to You, which should not be considered an endorsement to watch that for any reason. [IGN]
- Pirates of the Caribbean writers Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot are working on a Lone Ranger script for producer Jerry Bruckheimer, who will mold it into a multi-billion dollar turd. (PS: Entertainment Weekly, you're really stretching with that "Kemo-savvy" headline.) [EW]
- Leslie Mann has joined the cast of 17 as the wife of Zac Efron, a man who awakens to find himself in the body of a 17-year-old boy again. It all sounds a bit ridiculous to me. I mean, Zac Efron with a wife? [Hollywood Reporter]
Aug 3 2007 National Treasure: Book of Secrets Trailer
Thanks to Goody for passing along this National Treasure: Book of Secrets trailer. What really bothers me about this movie--aside from the infeasible plot, gimmicky action, and over-the-top situations--is just how smug everyone is constantly acting. If you're going to say that you're going to kidnap the president of the United States, for example, at least have the humility to speak in a tone that indicates you're aware of how tremendously difficult it will be. Why is all the crazy shit described in the unbelievable dialogue said with the same obnoxious, matter-of-fact arrogance?
And how about that joke at the end of the trailer? It turns out our greatest national treasure is Nicolas Cage's brilliant comedic timing!
Jun 21 2007 Japanese People Hate Clint Eastwood
Dude, we really should've brought a lighter f***in flag.
Aggrieved because the movie Clint Eastwood made about it was so goddamned boring, Japanese islanders are officially changing the name of Iwo Jima back to it's original name, Iwo To.
Before the war, the volcanic island was known as Iwo To by the 1,000 or so civilians who lived there. They were evacuated in 1944 as U.S. forces advanced across the Pacific. Some Japanese navy officers who moved in to fortify the island mistakenly called it Iwo Jima, and the name stuck. After the war, civilians weren't allowed to return, and the island was put to exclusive military use by both the U.S. and Japan, cementing its identity.
In related news, Pearl Harbor has changed its name to "Aloha Inlet", Alcatraz prison has changed it's nickname to "The Stone", and Armageddon has been removed from the bible in favor of "The Final Clusterf***" - all in response to atrocities committed by Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay.
Jun 4 2007 Success! Sort of...
"Take that, racist!"
Due, I'm sure, to the bump from iwatchstuff.com readers, Knocked Up made $29.3 million at the box office (hee hee, box office, I'd work there) this weekend, nearly earning back the $30 million it cost to make. I saw the movie on Sunday, and can safely say that I'm not sorry for recommending it. Though I am sorry for puking on that pigeon Saturday night. He didn't do anything to deserve it, poor lil' sky rat.
The comedy beat out Shrek the Third and came a close second to the movie that shall remain unmentioned, which dropped 62.4% in ticket sales.
Jun 4 2007 Vince's MTV Movie Awards Semi-Live Blog
Not even Sarah Silverman could keep MTV from sucking.
Thoughts that went through my mind as I watched the MTV Movie Awards:
Jeez, is Sarah Silverman ever not funny? She has really broad shoulders.
Jack Nicholson: Old, sick, wasted off his tits, or all three?
At this point, I think it's passé to hate Dane Cook. Subnote: I wonder how to make that accented e symbol.
Hairspray. Ugh. I'd rather gargle semen than watch this movie, and I think that would make me feel less gay.
Sacha Baron von Cohen Speech: Did he just say "crashed his cart in Jewtown"? Amazing.
Skyler Stone makes me die on the inside. Pretty much any guy named Skyler, really.
Pirates. of. the. F***ing. Carribbean. Now I remember why I usually don't watch this show.
Wow, you can really see the hatred of blacks in Jerry Bruckheimer's eyes.
UPDATE: Thanks to Daniél for éducating my ignorant ass.Whéééé!! Next month: Umlauts.
Jun 1 2007 Your Assignment for the Weekend
Aw, son of a bitch, not another flipper baby!
Okay, I know it's all been a barrell of drunk monkeys eating peaches and creaming up until now, but I've got some real shit to lay on you guys before the weekend. I haven't seen Knocked Up yet, but it's getting 90%+ on Rotten Tomatoes, and more importantly, it's the only movie that seems to have a realistic shot at out earning Butt Pirates of Turdland, the third installment of the JB tear-logy this weekend.
This is serious people. We need to show the studio execs out there that people will gravitate to actual intelligent filmmaking and not just lie still while receiving a dry anal rape from a marketing department somewhere. Plus, Jerry Bruckheimer hates blacks. That's messed up.
So that is your assignment. And remember, the first rule of iwatchstuff.com is...please talk about iwatchstuff.com. The second rule is, for the love of God, tell your friends. My mom won't even read it anymore. *pout*
Jun 1 2007 'Pirates' to Go Where it Belongs
'at's roight, laidies, Mr. Bruckheimer 'ates blacks; I barely escaped 'is cutlass meself on account a me dreadlocks.
The TV rights to Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Jerry Bruckheimer Steals Ten Bucks and Takes a Dump on Your Chest have been bought by the USA network for $28 million. While the price was about $28 million and five dollars too high, it's nice to see that Pirates is going to end up where it belonged in the first place - sandwiched between reruns of American Gladiator and the latest made-for-TV movie about the life of Britney Spears.
May 25 2007 National Treasure 2 Trailer: Praying for Sweet Release of Death
Blacks will be hated, crappy movies made.
The National Treasure 2: Jerry Bruckheimer Continues Pooping trailer is now online.
The whole thing basically consists shots of world landmarks intercut with actors looking pensive.
I don't even know what to say. Shit like this really makes satire obsolete.
May 24 2007 Borat Writes Travel Book
In U, S, and A, homosexuals are even allowed to wear the suit and win award trophies.
Borat has signed a deal to write a book of travel advice. Half the book will be a guide to America for Kazakhstanis unfamiliar with women riding on the inside of the bus and the other half will be a guide to Kazakhstan for Americans who have never experienced a gypsy attack or acquired a taste for fermented horse urine.
The book, to be released in hardcover, will have a dual title: "Borat: Touristic Guidings To Minor Nation of U.S. and A." and "Borat: Touristic Guidings To Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan."
I'll probably buy this book, but I have to admit, it was a bit disappointing to learn a comedian so hilariously anti-semitic is secretly Jewish. It'd be like like learning Jerry Bruckheimer was secretly black.
May 17 2007 New Transformers Trailer
"You're not getting a Porsche, son. Just an enviable acting career and a lifetime of willing poontang. That's right, I said poontang. I'm old school."
Check out the new Transformers trailer from Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg. I guess Jerry Bruckheimer was too busy hating blacks to produce this. Maybe it will be good.
One note on the trailer: My dad refused to buy me a porsche on my 16th birthday too, and robot aliens didn't fall from the sky. In fact, all that happened was that he mysteriously died in his sleep. Don't look at me, I was doing pushups at the time. What, you think these guns grew themselves?
Bang said the gavel, case closed.
May 17 2007 Ong Bak 2 Bought by Zee Germans, or Something
To do list: 1. Throw baby elephant through window 2. Flex.
Ahh, you know what really hits the spot on a hungover Thursday morning? (Yes, I am that awesome - the doctors say it's booze induced) I'll tell you what, another excuse to post the elephant-throwing clip from The Protector.
Thailand's Sahamongkolfilm Intl. has struck a low seven figures deal with Germany's Splendid Films for muay thai martial arts actioner "Ong bak 2."The Weinstein Company still holds North America rights. Pic is a non-sequential sequel to "Ong bak," which was breakout movie for action star Tony Jaa. Jaa both stars on and is helming "Ong bak 2."
To me, that all sounded like "Blah blah blah Ong Bak 2 blah blah blah." Thai action movies could teach their American counterparts a thing or two. Namely, if you're gonna make a dumb action movie, make it really dumb, and really action-packed. Otherwise you get mediocre, watered-down, wannabe-epic garbage like Troy or anything Jerry Bruckheimer has ever done (I also heard he hates blacks).
I like Tony Jaa because he could kick a giraffe in the face and because let's face it, young Thai boys are hot. See him do cool stuff, after the jump.
Continue Reading " Ong Bak 2 Bought by Zee Germans, or Something "
May 14 2007 Most Shocking News Ever: Lars von Trier Depressed
They call me "Cherry Danish"
A Danish newspaper is reporting that Lars von Trier, one of the founding members of the Dogme movement, suffers from a deep depression that is threatening his career.
This isn't exactly a shocker; if you watch any of his movies it's pretty obvious they were made by a depressed guy. Kinda like when you watch a Jerry Bruckheimer film, it's pretty obvious he hates blacks.
PS - If you want to see a good von Trier film, go with The Idiots. It's about a group of depressed people that pretend to be retarded to feel better. Kind of like Jerry Bruckheimer.
