Oct 20 2009 'Spy Next Door' Trailer: The Rock Sadly Was Not Available For This Picture
You think being a spy is hard, Jackie Chan? Try supervising three children! And a PIG! (Cue record screech):
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Oct 16 2009 Actual 'Spy Next Door' Poster Marks End of Spoof Movie Posters
Where else could you go from this point? There's no combination of elements that would be more ridiculous than this title, Jackie Chan equipped with grappling hook and laser pointer, the tagline "spying is easy, babysitting is hard," children, a pig, and the names Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez. What could you do to make that more ridiculous? Add a dog? There's already a small pig! And it's probably voiced by either Billy Ray Cyrus or George Lopez! Absurd.
Sorry, professional spoof movie makers (that's a profession): you've just been driven out of business by actual movie makers.
'The Spy Next Door' Poster Premier [Cinematical]
May 6 2009 'Karate Kid' Remake Sounds Like a Distinctly New, Valid Vision
Moviehole has learned some plot details of Jackie Chan and Will Smith Son's Karate Kid remake, a movie I know everyone is pretty juiced about. Allow me to summarize their findings:
- Instead of moving from Jersey to Reseda, The Karate Kid moves from the United States to China.
- The Karate Kid's name is now Dre.
- Everything else is the same.
That sounds about right. Just let me know when Will Smith releases his hip-hop reinterpretation of Joe Esposito's "You're the Best," a catchy track titled "Da Best." That's when we need to put Ralph Macchio on 24-hour suicide watch.
Mar 30 2009 'Karate Kid' Remake Only Conceptually Insulting?
That Karate Kid remake, which was to star nepotism incarnate, Jaden Smith, just got ever so slightly less enraging. Jackie Chan, the film's new Mr. Miyagi, says there's talk of a name change that would more accurately represent Chan's skills and ancestry, plus set it up for a live-action/CGI Kung Fu Panda cross-over:
"They don't want to call it Karate Kid any more," Chan said. "They want to call it The Kung Fu Kid."
That's a step in the right direction. Now could something be done about how the concept of The Karate Kid is being reintroduced as The Kung Fu Kid, with Jaden Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, and the director of Agent Cody Banks and The Pink Panther 2? Because, even after having my petty anger over the name soothed, I still have to say this sounds like a terrible movie.
Jackie Chan's Karate Kid Remake to be Called Kung Fu Kid [FirstShowing]
Jan 14 2009 Jackie Chan to Train Jaden Smith to Sand Floors, Paint Fences, Etc.
Big update in regards to how ten-year-old Jaden Smith (Will Smith's son that we're being force-fed as an actor) plans to defend himself against bullies by learning karate: Jackie Chan will teach him karate. From Entertainment Weekly:
Jaden Smith has found himself a mentor. Jackie Chan will take on Pat Morita's Mr. Miyagi role in Sony Pictures' remake of The Karate Kid. The movie stars 10-year old Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness), who is the son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and will be directed by Harold Zwart (The Pink Panther 2). Will's production company, Overbrook, will produce, and Jada has been rumored for the role of Jaden's mother in the film.
This was probably the easiest casting prediction ever, but since I'm never right about anything, let me just note that in November I said:
Let's start the speculation on who will play the "eccentric mentor." The Chinese setting makes Jackie Chan an early prospect, but I could just as easily see Steve Carell or Samuel L. Jackson letting the kid out of the duffel bag to attack.
But wow, adding the director of Agent Cody Banks and wife of Will Smith? I didn't see that coming. If Smith wants to make it a double-awful with double-nepotism, let's just go for the triple--bring in the screenwriter who did Most Valuable Primate and cast some long-estranged uncle of Will Smith (or Mike Myers playing a long-estranged uncle of Will Smith). Or could we use CGI to bring back some deceased relatives of Will Smith who he'd like to see one last time, dead-eyed in the audience of a martial arts tournament? It doesn't even matter anymore.
The scene where Jackie Chan lets Jaden Smith out of a duffel bag to attack will probably be pretty solid though.
Nov 26 2008 Don't Tell My Brain B.R. Cyrus Joined 'Spy Next Door'
Four new cast members have been added to Jackie Chan's The Spy Next Door, including one man who, you may recall, rose to fame after nearly dying when a woman almost caused his heart to explode by breaking up with him. From IGN:
Billy Ray Cyrus and Amber Valletta will appear in the family film about a babysitter who must protect his children from a group of agents when they download a secret code.Chan has already been cast as the babysitter in question, while Valletta will play the childrens' mother and Achy Breaky singer Cyrus will be one of the agents.
Former sitcom star George Lopez will play a CIA man, while Katherine Boecher rounds out the cast as a Russian underworld operative.
Brian Levant (Snow Dogs, Are We There Yet?) directs from a script by Jim Greer and Jonathan Bernstein, with the film currently shooting in Albuquerque, N.M.
I thought B.R. Cyrus had retired from acting to concentrate entirely on pimping his daughter and denying her a healthy childhood. Why hire him? You only cast Billy Ray Cyrus to act if you're hoping to woo Miley Cyrus for your next movie or if you're a total fool (or if you're David Lynch casting Mulholland Drive, in which case you're crazy, and probably have a mouthful of panties). Have these people not accidentally flipped past Billy Ray's Doc reruns on Ion? He's an awful actor. And, as this clip shows, a questionable doctor:
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Aug 5 2008 Jackie Chan Will Star in Thing with Spies, Babysitting, Internet
I've got some good news if you're into Jackie Chan and rage-inducing comedy: Jackie Chan has a new rage-inducing comedy coming out. From the Hollywood Reporter:
Jackie Chan is taking his martial-arts high jinks to the neighbors, signing on to star in "The Spy Next Door," an action comedy to be financed by Relativity Media and directed by veteran studio helmer Brian Levant.Jonathan Bernstein and Jim Greer are penning the screenplay for "Spy," which centers on a man (Chan) who is called to baby-sit his neighbor's children and winds up having to fight off secret agents after one of the kids inadvertently downloads a secret code.
Well, at least the reasoning for Jackie Chan defending kids from secret agents is sound. It's because he's a spy living in a suburban neighborhood and babysitting some kids. And something with the internet. (I love the internet!)
Apr 14 2008 Would a 'Rush Hour' by Any Other Name Still Scream as Much?
OK, figure this one out:
1. Jackie Chan told MTV that he and Chris Tucker have agreed to do another movie together.
2. That movie will not be another Rush Hour.
The two statements seem a bit contradictory to me. Are they trying to say they'll invent a new dynamic between the two of them? I find that impossible to believe, and I don't think anyone would accept it if they tried. So is it just a new job? Chefs instead of cops? Because I've got news for you guys: if it's essentially the same characters as Rush Hour, but now they're chefs or whatever, that's still a Rush Hour. That's Rush Hour: Chefs.
Am I missing something, or is this really as stupid as I think it is?
Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker to Reunite for Non-'Rush Hour' Movie [
Mar 11 2008 'Forbidden Kingdom' Poster Pairs Two Legends
After what has seemed like a meaningless, empty eternity, one of the most long-awaited, highly-anticipated cinematic pairings in history is finally happening: Jackie Chan is starring alongside Adam Duritz's hair.
And here's the trailer from a few months back.
Feb 12 2008 'Kung Fu Panda' Trailer is Big, Clumsy
Like pretty much all of Dreamworks Animation's efforts, Kung Fu Panda must have began with the great idea of getting big name voice cast to take on the roles of goofy animated animals. They succeeded in this noble effort, getting Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, and Angelina Jolie to star, but it seems like that's all there is to it.
Outside of hearing stars' disembodied voices, the film relies entirely on the premise that it's hilarious how fat and clumsy this schlub is. It might be moderately funny the first time, but how many times can you watch a cartoon panda fall over and laugh? I hope your answer is at least seven times, twice in slow motion, because that's pretty much all the content you're going to find here.
I watched this thing several times, and I've determined it's impossible not to roll your eyes when "Kung Fu Fighting" starts playing. And remember the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze), when Master Splinter finally breaks his solemn facade to give the audience a long-awaited "cowabunga"? Well, I don't want to ruin anything, but get ready to laugh--again!
Dec 21 2007 'Forbidden Kingdom' Trailer Sort of Joins China's Biggest Action Stars
The Forbidden Kingdom has been being touted as this amazing, long-awaited team-up between Jet Li and Jackie Chan. So why, when I see the trailer, am I being completely underwhelmed by some dipshit LaBeouf impostor and his magical, Neverending Story-esque trip to fantasy China? Surely there must have been an easier way to explain these two Chinese action stars working together. Couldn't it just be like an Ocean's Whatever movie, but with Kung Fu stuff and harder to understand? Or Rush Hour, but with Jet Li? Or could we at least get them in the same shot?
If Aliens and Predators or Jason and Freddy can be thrown together with so little regard to logic, why not these two? It can't be the dire need to tell the The Monkey King legend again; if I've already seen four adaptations without even trying, there must be hundreds more in China.
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Oct 29 2007 'Kung Fu Panda' Trailer Panders Fast as Lightning
It looks like Dreamworks is already sending out their cease and desists, but for the time being, you can check out the teaser trailer to their latest CGI masterpiece, Kung Fu Panda (AKA Shrek the Panda) at /Film.
I never understand why they forcibly remove the free advertising they're getting. It's like they don't want us to see how they got the lead voice actor, Jack Black, to ham it up in live-action antics, like Seinfeld with Bee Movie only even more patronizing. Or how they cleverly found a little-known Kung Fu-themed song, "Kung Fu Fighting," to subtlely broadcast that, indeed, this movie does involve Kung Fu.
Kung Fu Panda Teaser Trailer [/Film]
Oct 1 2007 Jackie Chan Hints at Self-Awareness
Showing hints of self-awareness never before seen in the action star, Jackie Chan has recently come out and said the Rush Hour series might not be as mind-blowingly awesome as we've been led to believe. Chan said of the film on his blog:
When we finished filming, I felt very disappointed because it was a movie I didn't appreciate and I did not like the action scenes involved. I felt the style of action was too Americanized and I didn't understand the American humor.
The actor added that it was only the insane amounts of money he'd be paid that kept him involved, noting that Rush Hour 3 wasn't really that good either:
Nothing particularly exciting stood out that made this movie special for me ... I spent four months making this film and I still don't fully understand the humor.
This is a huge step for Chan, and it's hoped within the next few months he may come to realize that The Tuxedo wasn't as revolutionary as once thought and that Shanghai Knights may have been a bit unnecessary as a sequel. In time, he may even learn to recognize his reflection or the sound of his name, but it's unlikely he will ever admit The Medallion was kind of shitty.
Jul 10 2007 Jet Li and Jackie Chan to Do Chinese Things
An angry Lo Pan reeves my racist soul.
As my 7th grade teacher Mrs. Chang taught us, the Chinese are reknowned for their action films as well as their kung fu prowess, mathematics skills, and ineptitude behind the wheel. That's why it's so nice to hear that Jet Li and Jackie Chan, those two Chinese tiger-dragons of action cinema, are teaming up for Forbidden Kingdom.
In this re-telling, an American teenager (Michael Angarano) discovers a staff which transports him to ancient China where he joins in a quest to return the staff to the Monkey King. Jet Li plays the dual role of the Monkey King and Silent Monk while Jackie Chan will play a kung fu master named Lu Yan.
This should be good, because Chris Tucker isn't in it, and any Chinese actor in Hollywood, pretty much the first thing you learn is how to play is a monk or kung fu master. There are only two things that I can think of that would make this movie better:
1. Lo Pan
2. The American teenager should always be addressed as "Young Round-Eye"
Jun 29 2007 Rush Hour 3 Poster - Same Shit, Different Place
Well, the Rush Hour 3 poster is out, and it's about as underwhelming as I imagine the movie to be. "This summer, they're kicking it in Paris." Yeah, that about sums it up. Same ingredients, same mediocre movie, except this time Brett Ratner gets to waddle his pudgy ass around gay Parie. It's where he belongs, he loves cheese.
