Aug 9 2007 Lars and the Real Girl Trailer
Lars and the Real Girl, written by Six Feet Under scribe Nancy Oliver, stars Ryan Gosling as a lonely, awkward man turned delusional freak when he purchases a sex doll and starts acting like she's real. Sadly, the summary provided makes no mention of why he's acting like Napoleon Dynamite or where I can get myself a sex doll, leaving me at a loss for both the lead character's motivations and for something plastic and womanly to stick my D in.
Official Trailer [Apple]
Jul 19 2007 The Hottest State Trailer
I would have thought any movie written by Ethan Hawke, directed by Ethan Hawke, and based on the novel by Ethan Hawke would be far too Ethan Hawkey for my taste, by which I mean shitty. But this trailer, though pretty typical of coming-of-age indie dramedies, looks surprisingly decent. And even more surprising is that Hawke was able to recognize that he's gotten far too haggard to play the 20-something protagonist. You got out at the right time, Uma.
Jul 17 2007 Jon Heder Strikes Again
Jon Heder's been in a fair few movies since Napoleon Dynamite, and even his magic underwear haven't been able to bring them success at the box office or on the reviews page. In this trailer for Moving McAllister he apparently plays some sort of Mormon-looking Indian shaman. Sadly, it looks to be par for course as far as post-Napoleon Heder movies are concerned.
But then again, it was written by and stars Ben Gourley, and you know that had to be a rough name growing up. The only people at his school who couldn't make fun of him were Steve Pussey, Joe Faggit and Margaret Monkeytits. How does this bode well for the movie, you ask? Well, funny people often have traumatic childhoods. Louis C.K. got sent to a camp for retarded kids, for instance, and even yours truly faced occasional ridicule because of my overdeveloped Kegel muscles. Children can be so cruel ;-(
Jun 1 2007 Denise Richards Playing Stripper
Variety reports Denise Richards will star in A Beautiful Life, joining Jesse Garcia, Dana Delany, and Michael Madsen in the indie drama (despite the name, Roberto Benigni is not involved). More importantly, she will be playing an exotic dancer, meaning, like previously with Wild Things, the hopes of seeing her naked will entice thousands of junior high kids to fast forward through most of this movie.
With both Richards and Lindsay Lohan now playing strippers on screen, it's like the line between stripping and acting is becoming blurred. Good news for Talisman, my favorite local exotic dancer, who tells me she's really an actress at heart. You're getting there, darling!
Apr 30 2007 Aronofsky Writing Noah Movie That Probably Won't be Super Pretentious
I put this chick's vagina in a movie once, I told her it would be arty. And by "arty" I meant "awesome."
In an interview with The Guardian, Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain) said his next project will be a story about Noah, that dude from the bible.
"Noah was the first person to plant vineyards and drink wine and get drunk," he says admiringly. "It's there in the Bible - it was one of the first things he did when he reached land. There was some real survivor's guilt going on there. He's a dark, complicated character."So basically, expect Noah to drink wine until one of his arms falls off and he ends up going butt to butt with some animals or something. And we'll all learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of alcohol.
And btw? They're already making this movie, Darren, it's called Evan Almighty.
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Apr 26 2007 Adam Carolla Gets "Hammer"-ed (sigh)
You'd be smilin' too if you'd just punched this bitch in the face. Boy did she like to talk.
The Hammer, the semi-autobiographical Adam Carolla picture premiers tonight at the Tribeca Film Festival. It doesn't yet appear to have a trailer, but if this movie includes one story about Adam Carolla's life, please let it be the time he got a friend to stick a hose up his ass and hold the water in long enough to squirt it at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru attendant while leaning over Carolla in the driver's seat.
By the way, this is obviously a glossy, Hollywood version of his life because they plucked the crap out of his unibrow. I call bullshit.
