Jul 6 2009 So, Guys, Any Actresses Submerged in Water at Any Point in This? Oh, No Reason. Just Wondering.

Further evidence that every scene in every movie is being masturbated to by someone somewhere: this IMDb user profile page, on which you may notice a subtle, bizarre trend in the user's board posts. My favorite is probably the post for Resident Evil: Afterlife, where their usual inquisitiveness is replaced with carnal desire.

If I hadn't already discovered that Honey, I Blew Up the Kid is apparently a fetish film, I would almost be shocked.

(via reddit)

Nov 9 2007 IMDB Treating Chimps Like Man

While looking up something about Mathew Broderick on IMDB (it turns out the "trivia" section doesn't say how he keeps his boyish good looks), I came across the listing for 1987's Project X, starring the young actor as an Air Force cadet in charge of watching some chimpanzees being used in a project.

This alone didn't bother me that much--movies like Ed and MVP: Most Valuable Primate have numbed me to the terrible genre that IMDB has dubbed "simian fiction"--but what did fill me with unbridled rage was noticing that not one, but ten chimps are given higher billing than Matthew Broderick.

Don't get me wrong; I couldn't care less about where his name appears in the credits. The issue is this: why are we treating screen monkeys like actors? (Moreover: people.)

Jesus, they're trained animals. It's not like they're up there actually emoting. Having some peanut butter smeared on your gums to make it looks like you're talking, or jumping up and down as your trainer waves a baton, should not qualify you for your own IMDB listing.

What is the point? Am I supposed to know these guys, have favorites?

"Who is that playing Goofy? He's really good. Wait, that's Okko? I love Okko! I thought I recognized him. He's my favorite screen chimp."

Are there legitimate reasons for this to exist, outside of angering me? Who is your favorite screen chimp?

Oct 3 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...

- More pictures from the Sex and the City set reveal Carrie appears to be marrying Mr. Big in the same garish, over-the-top manner as the rest of the show. [The Superficial]

- Rumor is spreading that McG, director of the Charlie's Angels franchise, is attached to direct Terminator 4. Just as soon as he can find a way to stretch cute boy underwear over liquid metal. [CHUD]

- IMDB added a new character profiles to the database, allowing users to see who has played a particular character and in what films or shows the character has appeared. This will aid me in my quest to see every movie featuring the character of "topless slut." [IMDB]

- Gullermo del Toro may finally get to shoot his passion project, At the Mountains of Madness, adapted from the Lovecraft novel. This drastically decreases my hopes of seeing a reality series about that Pan's Labyrinth guy with the eyes in his hands. [Latino Review]

- Natalie Portman will star in Brothers alongside Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire, who play some sort of blood relatives. [Variety]

- Over 2,000 production stills, production budget, breakdowns, and other top-secret materials were stolen from the set of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. TMZ will have the Jones Sex Tape posted within the hour. [IESB]