Nov 5 2009 The Weekend's New Moving Picture Releases
Don't just sit at home playing your CD-ROMs; enjoy a film this weekend. Here are some options:
A Christmas Carol
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Bob Hoskins, the leads from The Princess Bride
Good if you want to see: disgusting near-humans acting out the well worn tale of Scrooge yet again
The Men Who Stare at Goats
Director: Grant Heslov
Starring: Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey
Good if you want to see: Coen Brothers-esque comedy from non-Coens; George Clooney killing goats with his BRAIN
The Fourth Kind
Director: Olatunde Osunsanmi
Starring: Milla Jovovich
Good if you want to see: aliens! Or something like that.
The Box
Director: Richard Kelly
Starring: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella
Good if you want to see: a Twilight Zone episode stretched out an extra hour; whether or not they're going to push that box button for a million dollars (they're totally going to push that box button for a million dollars)
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (limited)
Director: Lee Daniels
Starring: Gabby Sidibe, Mo'Nique, Mariah Carey
Good if you want to see: the depressing story of an obese, illiterate teen twice impregnated by her father and abused by her mother; future Academy Award recipients; whatever Oprah and Tyler Perry want you to see, as usual
Oct 22 2009 'Fourth Kind' Poster Misses So Many Kinds
These are all real:
Alien encounter of the fifth kind LIGHT PETTING
Alien encounter of the sixth kind "HEY, IT'S ME... OH, SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS ALIEN I KNEW."
Alien encounter of the seventh kind MAKING A NICE DINNER TOGETHER
Alien encounter of the eighth kind EXCLUSIVITY
Alien encounter of the ninth kind BUSINESS DEALINGS
Alien encounter of the tenth kind CUDDLE PARTIES
Alien encounter of the eleventh kind MEETING THE ALIEN QUEEN
Alien encounter of the twelfth kind WATCHING INDEPENDENCE DAY TOGETHER AND NOT GETTING WEIRD
Alien encounter of the thirteenth kind TRADING GOODS AND SERVICES
Alien encounter of the fourteenth kind INNOCENTLY PATTING EACH OTHER ON THE BUTT AFTER DOING A GOOD JOB
Alien encounter of the fifteenth kind LEAVING THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN
Alien encounter of the sixteenth kind ULTIMATUMS
Alien encounter of the seventeenth kind ALIEN MARRIAGE
Alien encounter of the eighteenth kind "MAKING WHOOPY"
Alien encounter of the nineteenth kind TRYING ANAL FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Alien encounter of the twentieth kind NOOGIES
Final 'The Fourth Kind' One Sheet Blends ALL Kinds [Bloody Disgusting]
Aug 13 2009 'Fourth Kind' Trailer: That Isn't a Barn Owl, It Turns Out! It's a Barn Alien!
Close Encounters of the Third Kind just got CHUMPED. The Fourth Kind totally kicks it up one higher in kind, to the FOURTH KIND. To put it simply, that's contact vs. abduction. Or, to put it sexually, that's second base vs. rape. In other words, you just got your ass handed to you, Richard Dreyfuss! This is so much more intense of a kind! The FOURTH kind!
Just kidding; Richard Dreyfuss wasn't handed his ass. This basically looks like White Noise: Alien Edition meets an improv game where the idea is to take the last person's freak-out level one step higher, starring Milla Jovovich:
Continue Reading " 'Fourth Kind' Trailer: That Isn't a Barn Owl, It Turns Out! It's a Barn Alien! "
