Nov 3 2009 Say Your Prayers, Berenstain Bears: You're a Movie Now
Hollywood anthropologists have stumbled upon a new relic from your youth to CGI into real-world scenarios! USA Today reports Shawn Levy, the man responsible for making museum displays attack/befriend Ben Stiller, is producing a live-action/CGI adaptation of your favorite pompadoured, ursine children's book characters, The Berenstain Bears:
Writers have yet to be hired, but Levy says he wants the film to be an original story incorporating details from some of the more popular Berenstain books."I'd like the film to be un-ironic about its family connections but have a wry comedic sensibility that isn't oblivious to the fact that they're bears," Levy says. "The comedy comes from this bear family coexisting in a more recognizably real world."
Levy compared his vision of the film to the tone of Will Ferrell's Elf, which had a sweet, earnest hero who clashed with his cynical surroundings. "I think the movie will be witty but never sarcastic," he says.
Elf worked because Will Ferrell appeared normal to members of the real world, making his eccentric behavior bewildering to normal people attempting to interact with him and amusing if not tiresome to those of us in on his origins. How is this going to work like Elf? The Berenstain Bears are fucking bears. Papa Bear walks out of the house, someone is eventually going to say, "Holy shit, that's a bipedal bear with a hairdo dressed like Bob Vila! Call the police!" Is this film going to take place in some bizarre otherverse wherein human-like bears are acceptable but naïve bears that strictly obey a '50s family structure and ethics code with strict gender roles are weird? This picture book concept has suddenly become really confusing.
Oct 30 2009 Day Care is Going to the Dogs! 'Doggy Day Care' Being Made
Excited about Toy Story 3 and its tale of toys that take on personalities when left alone in a daycare center? Want to see that same premise with dogs instead of toys? No? You'd rather suffocate in shit? Well, regardless:
DreamWorks has snapped up Laurie Craig's comedy pitch "Doggy Day Care."Based on a story by Elaine Goldsmith-Thomas, Julie Goldstein and Craig, the project, set in a dog day care, concerns what really happens when dogs get together without human supervision.
Above, an IWS exclusive, is the official poster for the film. I know, it's really weird Dreamworks would make the poster so early after buying the script, and even weirder they'd just assume Eddie Murphy would play the hapless doggy day care owner in a part that looks eerily similar to his Daddy Day Care role, but that's just the way it is.
DreamWorks snaps up 'Doggy' [Variety]
Oct 20 2009 'Spy Next Door' Trailer: The Rock Sadly Was Not Available For This Picture
You think being a spy is hard, Jackie Chan? Try supervising three children! And a PIG! (Cue record screech):
Continue Reading " 'Spy Next Door' Trailer: The Rock Sadly Was Not Available For This Picture "
Oct 7 2009 This Film Projector Brings Films to LIFE! (Probably?)
Can we fast-track this?
Disney has preemptively picked up "Reel to Real," a family fantasy pitch by Eric Saiet and Andrea Maywhort-Scully. The story involves a magical film projector.
A magic film projector! That's almost as good as Adam Sandler's magic universal remote. Or Adam Sandler's magic bedtime stories. I just hope the sorcery within this device's bulb is powerful enough to grant a cute animal the ability to talk and express comic sexuality. Otherwise, what's the point?
Sep 28 2009 'A Christmas Carol' Trailer 2: If Nothing Else, They Owe Ferrell Chest Royalties
This new trailer for Robert Zemeckis's stylelessly-animated A Christmas Carol has a cameo by someone who appears to be a CGI, Christmas-themed version of Terrence Maddox, Will Ferrell's nude male model of SNL fame. Logically, this makes it marginally better than the Christmas Carol trailer that came out two weeks ago.*
*It's possible that trailer included this guy too. I can't pay attention to everything all the time, OK?
Sep 25 2009 'Planet 51' Poster: Aliens WOULD Have a Slightly Different Font on Their Slightly Misshapen Newspapers
To have such a implicitly John Goodman alien character not voiced by John Goodman is criminal. Criminal!
'Planet 51' Poster [IMPA]
Sep 22 2009 'Tooth Fairy' Poster: I Thought Fairies Had Bug-Style Wings
At long last, we have a poster for Tooth Fairy--a film that stars Dwayne Johnson as a hockey player who discourages a young fan and, somehow, insanely, is sentenced to become an actual tooth fairy for a week. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed they've simply slapped a new tagline on the same poster used for Disney's Angels on the Ice Rink, Disney's Guardian Goalie, and Disney's D4: The Now-Dead Mighty Ducks Roster Returns From Hockey Heaven for One Last Championship.
'Tooth Fairy' Poster [IMPA]
Sep 14 2009 'Disney's A Christmas Carol' Trailer: Back to the Uncanny Valley
Proving that nearly-realistic, Christmas-themed computer animation can be made slightly creepier than Polar Express when the subject is a deformed old man, here's the new trailer for Robert Zemeckis's adaptation of the well-worn tale of Ebenezer Scrooge.
If you loved the floating feather dancing in the air in Forrest Gump, you'll love the floating snowflake dancing in the air in this trailer. What is Bobby Z's obsession with following delicate, white objects drifting gently to the ground?
Continue Reading " 'Disney's A Christmas Carol' Trailer: Back to the Uncanny Valley "
Sep 9 2009 'Princess and the Frog' Mostly About Bestiality and Asses
Looking for a new family film that will teach your child about bestiality and ass jokes? Then this is your guy: The Princess and the Frog.
Judging by this full trailer for the film, it appears Disney's return to cel animation has created some new characters that will stay with you and your children for a lifetime. Most likely in the form of an unusual sexual fetish.
Continue Reading " 'Princess and the Frog' Mostly About Bestiality and Asses "
Sep 3 2009 Jeff Foxworthy: Legendary Man, Legendary Ox
Apparently not everyone instinctively forms tight fists as soon as they hear Jeff Foxworthy's voice inquiring if viewers are smarter than 10-year-olds and/or are rednecks. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the mustached comedian's southern accent will provide the voice of Babe the Blue Ox in a new animated take on the Paul Bunyan legend:
Jeff Foxworthy will be an ox.The comedian will voice the role of Babe the Blue Ox in "Bunyan & Babe," the animated feature from MGM and Exodus Film Group.
The pic puts a modern twist on the classic folk tale of Paul Bunyan and his sidekick Babe, with the pair embarking on a mission to save a town from a rapacious real estate developer. John Goodman is set to voice Bunyan, and Kelsey Grammer is the developer.
I'm so shocked and disappointed that the article never says, "Jeff Foxworthy is ox-worthy." Variety never would have missed that kind of knock-out sentence. Really slipping, Hollywood Reporter.
Aug 21 2009 Judy Greer Getting Marmaduked
Think how much funnier the above image would be if the dog were really huge! Can you imagine how riotous that would be, with an abnormally large breed of dog? Well, soon you won't have to imagine; that will soon be a partially-computer-generated reality you can choose to experience! Judy Greer, who you may remember repeatedly flashing her breasts in Arrested Development, has signed on to co-star as the nondescript owner-lady in Fox's live-action/CGI adaptation of Marmaduke.
With David Cross taking a part in Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Will Arnett recently appearing in G-Force, it seems like maybe wacky CGI animal movies are an inevitable course for AD alumni. Only a matter of time before we'll probably find Jeffrey Tambor in Heathcliff and Tony Hale in Hong Kong Phooey. Bluth matriarch Jessica Walter really dodged a bullet by somehow not being cast as "old rich lady who owns a chihuahua" in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
Jul 29 2009 Lorax to Speak for the Trees in 3D
With the "green" campaign going so strong that it's nearly convinced me to stop arbitrarily burning piles of rubber and coal, Universal Pictures and Illumination Entertainment have decided to cash in on the renewed interest in not completely destroying Earth. The studios have signed Chris Renaud, Cinco Paul, and Ken Daurio to write and direct a computer-animated film based on Dr. Seuss's ecologically-minded story, The Lorax. From Variety:
“Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax” will be co-directed by Chris Renaud and Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio, with Paul & Daurio writing the script.Though published in 1971, “The Lorax” has a timely “green” theme. It is narrated by a greedy entrepreneur who, despite warnings from the tree-loving Lorax, strips a forest of its stock of Truffula trees to manufacture clothing. The results are catastrophic as all the animals leave and nothing’s left.
I'm actually pretty glad The Lorax is being adapted. It has a really strong message that I think kids should be learning early: that we still have the same problems now that we did in 1971, you can't do anything about it, and everything is futile. Why didn't someone tell me earlier?
Jul 28 2009 'Rats of NIMH' Bringing Additional Talking Animals to Screens
If any Blockbusters are still not out of business, it's time for you guys to add a "Live-Action with Talking, CGI Rodents" section. THR is reporting the burgeoning, aggravating genre will be adding another title to its ranks, with The Illusionist writer/director Neil Burger adapting Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH for Paramount.
As you may recall, animator Don Bluth first attempted to bring the Newberry Medal-winning children's book to screens in the early '80s with The Secret of NIMH, shoehorning in some swords-and-sorcery elements that left children scratching their heads at the addition while also saying, "Rad--Swords! And Sorcery!" It's still unclear exactly what direction Burger's adaptation will take, but the involvement of a Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D producer and early (probably unfair) comparisons to Alvin and the Chipmunks are already worrisome.
Hopefully this version will stick closer to the book and its more serious, allegorical themes. Or at least get Robin Williams to the voice of the crow, and have a part where he gets hit in the balls and it makes his voice really high. Either would be enjoyable.
Below the cut, the Don Bluth's 1982 Secret of NIMH trailer.
Continue Reading " 'Rats of NIMH' Bringing Additional Talking Animals to Screens "
Jul 1 2009 'Santa Buddies' Trailer: Sports Enthusiast Dogs on the Hunt for Dog Santa!
Air Bud's speech-capable, eternally-youthful stereotype-based scions are back for another adventure, and this time they're straying even farther from the innate athleticism that made their family such a popular target for dognappers. This time they're on the search for Santa Paws! Yes, "Paws"! The Santa Claus that has paws! Because it's a dog!
I'm not really sure if this concept is more or less absurd than when the talking puppies went to space:
Continue Reading " 'Santa Buddies' Trailer: Sports Enthusiast Dogs on the Hunt for Dog Santa! "
Jun 30 2009 'Alvin and the Chipmunks 2' Teaser: The Chipmunks Really Want to Eff Themselves in Drag
When Alvin and his cronies unexpectedly run across their female counterparts--mirror images of themselves wearing ineffective skirts--the boys naturally get pretty turned on...
Jun 29 2009 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs': Do the Meatballs Really Need to Shimmer with Grease?
Starting the day off with some flesh wad precipitation, here's the latest poster for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. If you've been waiting for a simplistic, nearly plot-free picture book of your childhood to be enhanced by a storyline, computer animation, and the hard-to-justify inclusion of a monkey, this is definitely the movie for you. Or, if you just want to see me vomit in a theater, this is also the movie for you, because if you show me this many giant, greasy, disgusting meatballs, painful memories of the Ikea cafeteria are definitely going to make me throw up.
Jun 10 2009 'Partly Cloudy': All Life is Created in the Hands of the Cloud-Gods
Don't tell your Pixar attorney dad, but Partly Cloudy, the short film that precedes showings of Up, has found its way online. Show it to your kids to perpetuate the myth that storks deliver babies; confuse them further with the notion that thunderstorms are created when omnipotent cloud-gods have friend break-ups with their co-workers!
This should unteach some science:
Continue Reading " 'Partly Cloudy': All Life is Created in the Hands of the Cloud-Gods "
Jun 8 2009 'Alvin & the Chipmunks 2' Poster: First Look at the Lady Chipmunks
God, they're like someone made Richard Simmons furry porn.
One more at Jim Hill Media. (Thanks, Ryan.)
Jun 4 2009 Who Needs 'Up' When We've Got This Similarly-Themed, Like-Titled Movie?
If you and your family loved seeing Pixar's Up in theaters, then you'll be positively delighted in a couple months when dad accidentally rents What's Up balloon to the rescue on DVD! It's the slightly less whimsical tale of an elderly man who uses a single hot air balloon--rather than the silly, less practical notion of many helium balloons--to lift his house and go on an adventure with a child who wears glasses--not a scout uniform!--maybe a mom, and some other people! Looking for a movie with a talking dog? You've found it!* And this dog sure doesn't need a special collar! It speaks of its own accord!
Yes, this is the one DVD that will have your kids asking "What's Up?" Because they'll have abandoned their knowledge of the Pixar film in favor of charming memories of What's Up Balloon to the Rescue!
Good jobs to Chris for discovering this.
*Movie may not actually contain a talking dog.
Jun 2 2009 Where's Waldo? In a Probably Bad Movie
Ah, yes, there is still more of my childhood to stripmine. Variety is reporting that Universal and Illumination Entertainment have purchased the film rights to Where's Waldo (née Wally), the tedium-based Martin Handford book series that got me through several family trips to North American geological formations between 1990 and 1993.
Set to be a "live-action family pic," one can only assume the studio will shy away from the obvious choice of showing still images for ten minutes a piece and instead go with something along the lines of the cartoon series, an RV-like film following one family's search for the character, or, if we're lucky, a somber pseudo-travelogue about a lonely man finding himself more and more obscured in a world full of striped beach towels, patterned castle flags, and ever-increasing public apathy (starring Steve Coogan in the title role).
At least the novelization should be interesting.
