Oct 2 2009 'Tooth Fairy' Trailer: Dwayne Johnson Gobbles Up Vin Diesel's Leavings
It's hard to put into words exactly how unfortunately bad Disney's Tooth Fairy looks from this trailer, so I'm just going to try laying out the major plot points, and maybe enough of the awfulness will ooze through to prepare you for what you're about to see.
1. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is a hockey player so good at knocking out teeth that he gets to sit in a customized, ice-side recliner during penalties.
2. The new young, hotshot hockey player thinks Rock is old.
3. The Rock informs a young fan that being a professional hockey player is a very high aspiration.
4. It is revealed the Rock does not believe in the tooth fairy.
5. The Rock becomes a tooth fairy.
6. The Rock undergoes a fairy boot camp (allowing opportunities for him being hit in the balls).
7. Miracle Max gives Rock magic things.
8. The Rock decides to forgo the magic things, instead dressing up in hockey pads for some reason.
9. The Rock uses his invisibility spray to haunt the young hotshot player.
10. Somehow all this teaches Rock a lesson
Even Tim Allen wouldn't do this movie, and he's essentially done this movie several times:
Continue Reading " 'Tooth Fairy' Trailer: Dwayne Johnson Gobbles Up Vin Diesel's Leavings "
Sep 22 2009 'Tooth Fairy' Poster: I Thought Fairies Had Bug-Style Wings
At long last, we have a poster for Tooth Fairy--a film that stars Dwayne Johnson as a hockey player who discourages a young fan and, somehow, insanely, is sentenced to become an actual tooth fairy for a week. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed they've simply slapped a new tagline on the same poster used for Disney's Angels on the Ice Rink, Disney's Guardian Goalie, and Disney's D4: The Now-Dead Mighty Ducks Roster Returns From Hockey Heaven for One Last Championship.
'Tooth Fairy' Poster [IMPA]
Jul 2 2009 'Planet 51' Trailer: The Plot to 'E.T.' is on the Other Foot
We've all seen E.T..* We know what happens when an alien accidentally finds itself stranded on Earth: a boy tends to him, the government tries to capture him, and then the audience cries. But what if that alien were MAN??? And instead of Earth, it were PLANET SHREK! What then?
Basically the same thing, but with more broad comedy and generic characters:
Continue Reading " 'Planet 51' Trailer: The Plot to 'E.T.' is on the Other Foot "
Feb 17 2009 High School Musical and The Rock in a Hanna-Barbera Adventure
Welp, we still can't figure out how make computers allow Steve McQueen and a Silver Spoons-era Ricky Schroeder to be perfectly cast in a Johnny Quest movie, so we're just going to make it with Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron instead:
Seems Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, “Race” director Andy Fickman, and “High School Musical” moppet Zac Efron are teaming up for a feature film version of the cartoon classic “The Adventures of Johnny Quest”!For those that don't recall, the animated series (first aired in the 60s) told of a boy, 11-year-old Jonny, who accompanies his father, Dr. Benton Quest, on extraordinary adventures. Fearing Jonny could end up in the wrong hands, a special agent / bodyguard / pilot from Intelligence One Government, Race Bannon, is hired to guard and train him.
Johnson confirms that he’ll be Race Bannon, and that rumours suggesting Zac Efron might be Johnny Quest are on the money. Efron isn’t a lock though – and Johnson’s all ears. You see, in the source material the character is only twelve years old, but Efron’s 17. ‘’I loved Jonny Quest when I was a kid. If you go a little older, it gives you more, it allows you to be...it just gives you a bit more, you know. But then you want to honor it too, so... “
The quote ends there, but I assume it continued, "so.... screw it, actually--let's not honor it. Let's bleach my hair right now so we can get on with doing whateverthefuck and make a Johnny Quest where Johnny is old enough to drive himself home after our little adventure."
The Rock in Jonny Quest movie [Moviehole]
Jan 30 2009 Football Fans Will Love 'Race to Witch Mountain'
When this commercial airs during the Super Bowl, living rooms and bars full of people are going to be demanding we all turn off the game for a few minutes to discuss what's just been seen. "Did you see that alien bounty hunter guy? He's going to give Boba Fett a run for his money. Are there really UFO conventions? Why does The Rock keep delivering his lines in the style of Matt LeBlanc?" It's not going to matter who wins the Super Bowl because we've all won a great family adventure.
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Jan 16 2009 'Planet 51' Trailer Combines...
...the pop-culture-laden, celebrity-voiced green-creature-filled world of Shrek, the space traveler in suburbia scenario of Suburban Commando, and the outsider invading the idyllic '50s neighboorhood-ness of Pleasantville? I think that works.
Dec 16 2008 'Race to Witch Mountain' Poster: The Rock in Rock
In the aliens' defense here, I think if I came to Earth and was greeted with a massive stone monument to Dwayne Johnson 'n' Kids, I'd probably be pretty eager to destroy it too.
Race to Witch Mountain [IMPA]
Nov 18 2008 'Race to Witch Mountain' Trailer Like a Supernatural 'Friends' for Kids
Disney has released a new trailer for Race to Witch Mountain--a remake of 1975's Escape to Witch Mountain--the story of two super-powered alien children and their attempt to find a way back to the ship they crashed into a geological formation known as a mountain. The Rock plays the cab driver helping them, and for some reason he plays it like he's doing an impression of Matt LeBlanc. It's really distracting. Either he studied acting by watching Lost in Space and LeBlanc's monkey-as-baseball player movie, Ed, or Disney really wanted Matt LeBlanc and instead hired Dwayne Johnson to play it as Matt LeBlanc. Which would be despicable. Do you know what Joey has been doing since they cancelled Joey, Disney? Absolutely nothing. Joey would have loved to drive alien children to a spooky mountain. He would have told so many amusing anecdotes about how David Schwimmer is nothing like Ross. He would have brought donuts to the set every day, just because "It's somebody's birthday somewhere, eh?" You guys made a real mistake.
Continue Reading " 'Race to Witch Mountain' Trailer Like a Supernatural 'Friends' for Kids "
Sep 9 2008 'Tooth Fairy' Turns Fictional Sprites into Judge and Jury
The warring of Sound of Music fans, Scorpion King fans, Double Jeopardy fans, and Extras fans will at last be silenced: Julie Andrews, Dwayne Johnson, Ashley Judd, and Stephen Merchant are finally starring alongside one another! Best of all, they'll be sharing the screen in a family comedy that's so high concept it's insane:
The film centers on Derek Thompson (Johnson), a minor-league hockey player whose nickname is the Tooth Fairy because of his ability to knock out opposing players' teeth. Judd plays his girlfriend.When he discourages a youngster's hope, Derek is ordered to one week's hard labor as a real tooth fairy, complete with wings, magic wand and frilly tutu. Along the way, he rediscovers his forgotten dreams.
It was hard enough to buy into What Happens in Vegas...'s concept that Judge Dennis Miller would make a ruling of "six months of hard marriage." Now I'm supposed to believe demoralizing a child may hold the penalty of becoming a tooth fairy for a week? Presupposing the existence of tooth fairies, since when do they hold this kind of jurisdiction? Like we're meant to look to someone clandestinely paying cash for discarded human teeth as a sort of moral compass, capable sentencing us when we don't abide by their ethical code? This fun family movie holds enormous, horrifying consequences.
I'm curious to see how they handle the idea that a muscular man in a tutu "rediscovers his dreams" while sneaking into the bedrooms of sleeping children.
Jun 4 2008 'Get Smart' Trailer Has All The Classic Gags You Remember
It's nice to see some of the classic Get Smart gags have still made it into this updated version. Like the old To An Onlooker, It Looks Like He's Having Sex With A Man Even Though He Isn't gag, and the the old This Man Almost Died In A Gruesome Car Accident That Would Have Decapitated Him gag, and the old This Can't Really Be This Bad, Can It? gag. All the good ones.
Feb 28 2008 'Get Smart' Trailer Earns an Anger Downgrade
The latest offering in the Nick-At-Nite-programming-turned-broad-comedy genre, Get Smart, has a new trailer. Like in the previous trailers, it still looks bland and uninspired, relying on its impressive cast to pull off weak slapstick gags, but enough works that I'm willing to downgrade my anger level from fuming to annoyed ambivalence. My respect for the original series makes me want them to prove me wrong and make a decent film, but I'm also terribly fearful that might lead to a Green Acres movie (starring Will Ferrell and Paris Hilton?).
Continue Reading " 'Get Smart' Trailer Earns an Anger Downgrade "
Jan 24 2008 'Get Smart' Trailer Missed It By That Much
Thanks to Kyle for sending over the disappointing Portuguese trailer to Get Smart. Despite a respectable cast, I'm near abandoning hope for this. At times it looks referential to a fault, with Carell basically doing a half-assed impression of the late Don Adams. Other times, it feels like they let Carell playing himself to the point that the original character is completely abandoned. Either approach might work individually (and sometimes it does), but together it's a jumbled mess, never committing to a style in the fear of alienating either modern Carell fans or fans of the original series. In other words, it's something like you'd expect from the director of classics like Nutty Professor 2 and Anger Management.
They'd have done better to show off more of the supporting cast. The Rock, though distractingly foreheady, is a far more charismatic actor than the cute-but-lifeless Anne Hathaway, as is Carell's fellow Office star David Koechner. And did you realize they somehow got Bill Murray to play an agent? Neither did I, until I looked it up, yet that alone would have been a far more enticing feature to show off than the wink-wink catchphrases they've pieced together into a trailer.
Continue Reading " 'Get Smart' Trailer Missed It By That Much "
Nov 2 2007 Fans Choose Villainy for (The) Rock
A little over a month ago, some of you may remember that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson asked fans which role he should take in Shazam: Shazam, or his enemy, Black Adam.
Fans, apparently, answered with the resounding cry of "Black Adam," to which Rock replied (in a strange Ren-faire voice for some reason), "I sayeth Black Adam as well," adding that he's meeting with director Pete Segal to talk about it.
So, while it looks like he's going go with the fans' choice and suit up in black and gold spandex, it should be noted that this isn't the first time The Rock has let others make important decisions for him. Let's remember, shall we?
Choice: Should The Rock's ubiquitous eyebrow raise get really annoying?
Decision-makers: Millions of high school-age wrestling fans attempting to replicate it.
Decision: Yes. Very much so.
Choice: Should The Mummy spin-off, The Scorpion King, be nearly unwatchable?
Decision-makers: Writers/director of The Scorpion King, common sense.
Decision: Obviously.
Choice: Should The Rock's forehead continue growing without regard to proportion to his face?
Decision-makers: Genetics, nature, his skull.
Decision: Definitely.
And who knows what choice he'll grant us next! I hope it's the gender of a child.
Sep 25 2007 The Rock Asks Idiots to Decide his Role -- Us!
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been approached, as rumored, to play a role in the Shazam superhero movie. The question, he says, is which role? Rock revealed:
Shazam, of course, I would love to play. They approached me about [Captain Marvel] and [villain] Black Adam as well. We've been meeting for months. We're toying with either one. I think it's up to the fans. Without question.
I'd say this bodes poorly for the Shazam movie; not the casting of Johnson, but that this is as clear as their artistic vision gets. "We'd like this Rock fellow involved but we don't give a shit how. He could be the villain, the hero, whatever. Just get this guy in spandex and on the screen." And I'm all for getting fan input, but don't give fans the final choice on this one. That's how you'll end up with a cast of Bruce Campbell, Stewie from Family Guy, and the jackass who cries for Britney Spears.
Seriously though, should he be Black Adam or Captain Marvel? I'm saying Adam, just because Johnson has a lot more forehead than I prefer from my superheroes.
The Rock's Role In 'Shazam': Should He Be Good Or Evil? You Decide! [MTV]
Sep 12 2007 Southland Tales Poster is Busy, Patriotic?
The poster to Donnie Darko writer/director Richard Kelly's sophomore effort, Southland Tales, is really cluttered with a bunch of crap, and might be meant to look sort of like the American flag, but only vaguely does. But with over two years of delays for re-editing and the entire cast of The Rundown at your disposal, how could you go wrong?*
*By making a movie so bad it needed two years to be re-edited. Also, using The Rundown as a casting mold was probably a bad idea. Involving Night Court's John Larroquette probably isn't helping either.
Final One-Sheet for Richard Kelly's 'Southland Tales' [Cinematical]
