Nov 16 2009 'Disney's Oceans' Trailer: See Our Maritime Freaks on the Big Screen
Next Earth Day, spend the holiday the way nature intended: see some of the freaks nature has allowed to thrive in our waters with Disney's Oceans.
This trailer is pretty light on the freak fare, but I imagine the actual film must include at least a few examples of deep sea things with jaws so impossibly giant that it's infuriating/cringe-inducing:
Continue Reading " 'Disney's Oceans' Trailer: See Our Maritime Freaks on the Big Screen "
Oct 22 2009 Disney Invents Netflix Instant Watch
Basically.
Pounding another nail into Blockbuster's already-impenetrable coffin, Disney today announced plans to follow through with entertainment's inevitable transition to the internet. The company is currently researching a technology they've dubbed Keychest, which would allow would-be Lion King watchers to "pay one price for permanent access to movies or TV shows that are stored on a remote server and never downloaded -- but are always accessible via a wide variety of devices, including cell phones, cable services, PCs and Blu-ray players."
No more proudly showing fellow movie nerds your expansive wall of DVD cases, guys; now you'll have to show them your hand-written list of Keychest passwords (obscuring the last four digits so they won't steal them)! And now when Disney decides one of their old movies is blatantly racist (à la Song of the South) or otherwise unfit for you to watch, they can just stop letting you do so, with or without warning and/or refund!
I don't trust it, Disney. What kind of limitations are going to be placed on this so that we don't trade keys with each other? And if movies are all online all the time, what idiotic excuse will you make to offer special editions for two weeks only? Thanks, but no thanks. I think I'll stick with things how they are now, where I wait for your films to come out on DVD then illegally download them. Or just ignore them altogether.
Oct 7 2009 This Film Projector Brings Films to LIFE! (Probably?)
Can we fast-track this?
Disney has preemptively picked up "Reel to Real," a family fantasy pitch by Eric Saiet and Andrea Maywhort-Scully. The story involves a magical film projector.
A magic film projector! That's almost as good as Adam Sandler's magic universal remote. Or Adam Sandler's magic bedtime stories. I just hope the sorcery within this device's bulb is powerful enough to grant a cute animal the ability to talk and express comic sexuality. Otherwise, what's the point?
Oct 6 2009 First Five Minutes of 'Princess and the Frog': It's No 'Circle of Life'
Remember how, in The Lion King, Disney kicked open your skull doors and gave your brain a charliehorse right from the start with "Circle of Life"? Such powerful music! So much reverent African wildlife!
Well, the opening to Disney's The Princess and the Frog is nothing like that:
Continue Reading " First Five Minutes of 'Princess and the Frog': It's No 'Circle of Life' "
Oct 2 2009 'Tooth Fairy' Trailer: Dwayne Johnson Gobbles Up Vin Diesel's Leavings
It's hard to put into words exactly how unfortunately bad Disney's Tooth Fairy looks from this trailer, so I'm just going to try laying out the major plot points, and maybe enough of the awfulness will ooze through to prepare you for what you're about to see.
1. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is a hockey player so good at knocking out teeth that he gets to sit in a customized, ice-side recliner during penalties.
2. The new young, hotshot hockey player thinks Rock is old.
3. The Rock informs a young fan that being a professional hockey player is a very high aspiration.
4. It is revealed the Rock does not believe in the tooth fairy.
5. The Rock becomes a tooth fairy.
6. The Rock undergoes a fairy boot camp (allowing opportunities for him being hit in the balls).
7. Miracle Max gives Rock magic things.
8. The Rock decides to forgo the magic things, instead dressing up in hockey pads for some reason.
9. The Rock uses his invisibility spray to haunt the young hotshot player.
10. Somehow all this teaches Rock a lesson
Even Tim Allen wouldn't do this movie, and he's essentially done this movie several times:
Continue Reading " 'Tooth Fairy' Trailer: Dwayne Johnson Gobbles Up Vin Diesel's Leavings "
Sep 28 2009 'A Christmas Carol' Trailer 2: If Nothing Else, They Owe Ferrell Chest Royalties
This new trailer for Robert Zemeckis's stylelessly-animated A Christmas Carol has a cameo by someone who appears to be a CGI, Christmas-themed version of Terrence Maddox, Will Ferrell's nude male model of SNL fame. Logically, this makes it marginally better than the Christmas Carol trailer that came out two weeks ago.*
*It's possible that trailer included this guy too. I can't pay attention to everything all the time, OK?
Sep 24 2009 Disney Upset Mamet's 'Diary of Anne Frank' Too Dark, Not About Anne Frank
Disney is reportedly stalling plans for their adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank after discovering that David Mamet's screenplay, which for some reason the studio thought would be "Disney style" despite being a David Mamet screenplay that is about the Holocaust, is not at all in the Disney style. Also, it's not really about the The Diary of Anne Frank:
Developed by the studio’s chief of production, Oren Aviv, the project was recently rejected by the studio as “too dark” and put in turnaround, according to people involved.But the screenplay is not a retelling of the famous Holocaust drama taken from the diaries of Frank, but about a contemporary Jewish girl who goes to Israel and learns about the traumas of suicide bombing.
"It's very intense, and dark and scary," said the executive. "It's not a film version of 'The Diary of Anne Frank.' The story evolved into something more intense."
Hopefully things go smoother when Disney moves on to hiring Quentin Tarantino to adapt Night.
Mamet's Anne Frank in Turnaround from Disney [WaxWorld]
Sep 22 2009 John Malkovich Playing a Jockey?
That doesn't make sense, does it? He's 6'1". Yet still:
John Malkovich is set to join "Secretariat," the Randall Wallace-directed drama for Disney.Malkovich will play Lucien Laurin, the former jockey who became the trainer of the 1973 Triple Crown-winning racehorse. At the core of the film is the relationship between the horse and his owner, Penny Chenery (played by Diane Lane), a housewife who knew little about horse racing when she took over her ailing father's Virginia horse farm.
Disney, if I want to watch a film about the relationship between a racehorse and its owner who knows little about the sport, I'll stick with with Hot to Trot. That way I also get the added benefits of a full monthly dose of talking horses and Bobcat Goldthwait voice.
Sep 16 2009 'Toy Story 3' Poster Confident You Can Decipher What Film 'Pixar', 'Toy', and '3' Imply
God, I wish the "no toy left behind" slogan were true. Sadly, I know a Battle Armor He-Man in a Waffle House somewhere between my childhood home and Orlando, Florida that would tell a very different story.
'Toy Story 3' Poster [Trailer Addict]
Sep 14 2009 'Disney's A Christmas Carol' Trailer: Back to the Uncanny Valley
Proving that nearly-realistic, Christmas-themed computer animation can be made slightly creepier than Polar Express when the subject is a deformed old man, here's the new trailer for Robert Zemeckis's adaptation of the well-worn tale of Ebenezer Scrooge.
If you loved the floating feather dancing in the air in Forrest Gump, you'll love the floating snowflake dancing in the air in this trailer. What is Bobby Z's obsession with following delicate, white objects drifting gently to the ground?
Continue Reading " 'Disney's A Christmas Carol' Trailer: Back to the Uncanny Valley "
Sep 11 2009 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4' Title Sounds Like Porn Parody
At Disney's D23 Expo today, the studio released the name and general release date for Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Maybe it's just me looking for pornography in everything, but I can't help but detect some kind of vague, sexual double-meaning in the subtitle "On Stranger Tides," like this is the porn version of the film. I don't actually know what the name would be implying, but something. Maybe that Jock Spare-Ho has sex with a lot of strangers, while on tides?
I don't know. Never mind. Pirates of the Caribbean pornos would obviously be subtitled, in order, "The Crotch of the Black Girl," "Hot Babe's Chest," and "At Cock's End." I don't know what I was thinking.
(Image from Coming Soon.)
Sep 9 2009 'Princess and the Frog' Mostly About Bestiality and Asses
Looking for a new family film that will teach your child about bestiality and ass jokes? Then this is your guy: The Princess and the Frog.
Judging by this full trailer for the film, it appears Disney's return to cel animation has created some new characters that will stay with you and your children for a lifetime. Most likely in the form of an unusual sexual fetish.
Continue Reading " 'Princess and the Frog' Mostly About Bestiality and Asses "
Aug 31 2009 She-Hulk/Donald Duck Team-Up Finally Possible (Inevitable?): Disney Buying Marvel
In news that could prove disastrous to Islands of Adventure's Incredible Hulk Coaster and Dr. Doom's FearFall, Disney is acquiring Marvel Entertainment for the sum of $4 BILLION. The deal gives Disney ownership over all of Marvel's cast of over 5000 characters--even Awesome Android!--and the company already has plans to utilize such impressive buzzwords as "value creation," "expanding content creation," and "further integrating Marvel’s properties."
ComingSoon notes that Marvel's current standing movie property deals--including Spider-Man, X-Men, Iron Man, Thor, and The Avengers (and Ant-Man, I'd hope)--will remain in place, though distribution could later change hands. Since hearing the news, Mother Jonas has gotten to work at having over 5000 more children so we'll have a steady stream of Jonas Brothers to play all the other Marvel characters not already caught up in movie deals.
(Thanks all the people sending this.)
Aug 28 2009 Robin Williams Starring in--God, That's the Title?
Wedding Banned! Since License to Wed, Robin Williams is our go-to guy for wedding conflict comedy:
In the comedy [titled Wedding Banned], Williams will play one-half of a long-divorced couple who kidnap their daughter on her wedding day in order to keep her from making a mistake. The divorced parents rekindle their relationship as they elude cops and the angry groom.
I'm just concerned I'll forget how witty the title is and accidentally type "Wedding Band" into Fandango, costing me precious moments in scoring those sweet 12:01 AM Wedding Banned tickets.
Robin Williams in Disney's 'Wedding' [Variety]
Aug 13 2009 'Crimson Wing' Poster: Thankfully Unrelated to the PC Game 'Crimson Skies'
Empire has just revealed a poster for the DisneyNature flamingo documentary, Crimson Wing. It's got me kind of curious to see how March of the Penguins will look with awkward, pink birds instead of penguins, but at the same time, knowing Disney's conservative, pro-bird slant, you know it's just going to be some bullshit that paints flamingos in a positive light. We'll have to wait for Michael Moore to expose these gangling freaks for what they really are.
Jul 31 2009 Disney's 'Rapunzel' Looks Like... Concept of Rapunzel
Disney Animation has released some concept art for their forthcoming animated project, Rapunzel. Seems like they're going for sort of a "beautiful princess with long hair that may be used to scale castles" thing. Interesting.
Jul 28 2009 'Toy Story 1 & 2 (in 3D Now!)' Teaser
With Toy Story and Toy Story 2 returning to screens in Gimmick-Vision Disney Digital 3D for a limited, two week engagement, Pixar has released a brief trailer to remind you that, come October, you can finally see the beloved films as they were never meant to be seen: with depth! As you can see in the above still, it gets pretty weird when Buzz finally reveals his feelings for Woody and completely exposes his lower half:
Jul 17 2009 The 'Where the Wild Things Are' of 1983
Back in 1983, long before Spike Jonze showed us that giant monsters look best as practical effects in sun-drenched forests, Disney owned the rights to Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are and were apparently considering making it an animated film. John Lasseter, then Disney emloyee and later founder of Pixar, did some tests to see if it would be feasible to use hand-drawn character animation over 3D backgrounds.
Studio heads decided the technique was "too expensive" and "what they do on Futurama," and Lasseter was fired shortly after. But now, thanks to internet, we can see one of those early tests:
Continue Reading " The 'Where the Wild Things Are' of 1983 "
Jul 15 2009 Miley Cyrus Starring in 'Wings'; Tony Shalhoub and Thomas Haden Church Curiously Absent
Who here is a big fan of Disney's lab-constructed pop icon, Miley Cyrus? [Applause] OK, good, some fans. Then you'll be pleased to hear the toothy daughter of "Doc" will be starring in Disney's upcoming adaptation of Aprilynne Pike's Wings, playing a sheltered girl having a hard time fitting in at her new high school. Classic tale of teenage alienation. Oh, except that the reason she's alienated is because she's literally a fairy. Says Variety:
Pic will be developed for Cyrus to play Laurel, a 15-year-old who grows up sheltered and home-schooled in a small town. Adjusting to a big high school is difficult, and her suspicion that she's not like the other kids becomes a reality when she sprouts a pair of wings and learns that she's a fairy. Published in May, the novel is the first of a planned four-book series.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Not really anything else to say about the matter.
Jul 7 2009 'Christmas Carol' Poster: Behold Scrooge's Flame Top Hat!
Phew! I was getting worried yet another A Christmas Carol adaptation would omit the fourth, lesser mentioned ghost, the Ghost of Christmas a Miniature Altar Boy Who Uses Fire to Simulate How You'd Look in Various Fancy Hats. Probably the least plot-essential ghost, but a good one I think we've all missed. Welcome back, friend.
'A Christmas Carol 3D' Poster [DVDForum.at]
