Sep 22 2009 John Malkovich Playing a Jockey?

That doesn't make sense, does it? He's 6'1". Yet still:

John Malkovich is set to join "Secretariat," the Randall Wallace-directed drama for Disney.

Malkovich will play Lucien Laurin, the former jockey who became the trainer of the 1973 Triple Crown-winning racehorse. At the core of the film is the relationship between the horse and his owner, Penny Chenery (played by Diane Lane), a housewife who knew little about horse racing when she took over her ailing father's Virginia horse farm.

Disney, if I want to watch a film about the relationship between a racehorse and its owner who knows little about the sport, I'll stick with with Hot to Trot. That way I also get the added benefits of a full monthly dose of talking horses and Bobcat Goldthwait voice.

Sep 5 2008 Richard Gere Still Loves Diane Lane SO HARD (in Japanese)

Here's the Japanese trailer for my new favorite piece of meno-porn (menopause porn, obviously), Nights in Rodanthe. Do you think Japanese subtitles and more hilariously melodramatic exposition are gonna stop Richard Gere from loving Diane Lane, or stop her from saving his heart, which is ironic since he's the heart surgeon? No way in hell, buddy. If anything, the subtitles make him love her MORE. Now you get his professions of clichéd love in FOUR languages: English, Japanese, the International Language of (middle-aged) Love, and the language of your own tearful, deliberate applause. So romantic. So romantic.

Continue Reading " Richard Gere Still Loves Diane Lane SO HARD (in Japanese) "

Aug 21 2008 'Nights in Rodanthe' is the 'Citizen Kane' of Menoporn

Here's one for the ladies (over 40, who are lonely), or for anyone who likes laughing at menopause porn highlight reels composed entirely of melodrama moneyshots. "I made that to keep special things safe." "What keeps you safe?" God, Diane Lane, just let Richard Gere take care of you! You're special too! Why can't intentional comedy be this funny?

The only thing that could make this more perfect is if the black friend is revealed to be the ghost of a patient Richard Gere killed in surgery, but since every other predictable plot point is divulged in this four minute trailer, I have to assume she's corporeal.

Continue Reading " 'Nights in Rodanthe' is the 'Citizen Kane' of Menoporn "

Dec 19 2007 AM Poster Post: 'Untraceable' Cyber Poster Cyber!

Haven't we moved past the point of anything with the term "cyber" being scarier? You'd think so. It's been over a decade since The Net, and that was already completely ludicrous when it came out; people are now using the internet for countless aspects of their daily lives; and if Dateline is giving an accurate account of the situation, "cyber criminals" are either, a) sad sacks looking to give adolescents a Mike's Hard Lemonade and a good time, or b) Nigerian. Neither are really that threatening if you aren't twelve or in Nigeria. Only my grandma will be frightened by the image of a mouse clicking a human face. (Though, admittedly, she will be very, very frightened.)

Untraceable Poste [IMPA]