Oct 20 2008 Anacondas Scion Proves Deadlier Than Ancestors!
I have problems with the MTV video player thing, so I haven't actually watched this clip from Anaconda 3: The Offspring. However, I'm willing to wager the reputations of David Hasselhoff and John Rhys-Davies that it's worthwhile. I mean, we're talking anaconda offspring, for god's sake. The progeny of giant snakes, back to avenge their giant snake forefathers! We would be so fucked if David Hasselhoff wasn't around to murder them:
Continue Reading " Anacondas Scion Proves Deadlier Than Ancestors! "
Sep 17 2008 'Beverly Hills Ninja 2' is Good News for People with Bad Taste in 1997
Out of respect for the memory of Chris Farley, a sequel to Beverly Hills Ninja will begin shooting in October, starring David Hasselhoff. From Variety:
"Beverly Hills Ninja 2," a sequel to the 1997 action comedy, will lense in South Korea starting next month, making it the first mainstream Hollywood pic to do so.Mitch Klebanoff, a writer and co-producer of the original film, has scripted and will helm the sequel. Story involves an orphaned boy who wants to be a ninja but becomes involved in a crime in Hollywood while looking for his real parents.
David Hasselhoff, Lucas Grabeel ("High School Musical") and Taiwanese model-turned-actress Lin Chiling ("Red Cliff") are set to star in the sequel.
Yikes. With this, 90210, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and the planned Beverly Hills Cop 4, it's starting to look like this might be the year we have to stop allowing anyone to ever make anything in any way related to Beverly Hills.
Jul 23 2008 Guess What! There's This Now: 'Anaconda 3: The Offspring'
It's almost magical how they've managed to condense the entire essence of what it is to be a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie in under ten seconds, and how that magic is strangely heightened by the Davidhasselhoffonline.com watermark obscuring the shoddy CGI and "of course you're in Anaconda 3" actors.
It's going to be really sad when John Rhys-Davies dies and his awards show tribute clips will be Indiana Jones, Lord of the Rings, then a bunch of crap like this.*
*Such as Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood, currently in post-production.
Continue Reading " Guess What! There's This Now: 'Anaconda 3: The Offspring' "
Dec 13 2007 KITT is Officially a Mustang, God-Like
I really didn't think there was any way to make the new Knight Rider any less appealing. A talking, crime-fighting car television show based on a prior talking, crime-fighting car television show that starred David Hasselhoff couldn't sound much worse, let alone when you add the original creator's description of "The Lone Ranger, with a car."
Yet miraculously, though the image of an ugly car and an out-of-touch press release, they may have set an entirely new benchmark for just how far television standards can be pushed in the direction of idiot.
As the original story resumes, the new KITT (Knight Industries Three Thousand) is absolutely the coolest car ever created: its supercomputer capable of hacking almost any system; its weapons systems efficient; and its body -- thanks to its creator's work and nanotechnology -- is capable of actually shifting shape and color. Plus, its artificial intelligence makes it the ideal crime-fighting partner: logical, precise and possessing infinite knowledge.
To summarize, these are the traits to look for when deciding if a car is the absolutely coolest car ever created:
- Powerful, yet flawed, hacking ability. I mean a super-intelligent car is believable, but no car can hack every system.
- Efficient weapons. Wasting bullets is so un-green, man.
- Elements of psychedelia (e.g. changing shapes and color, the ability to play Jefferson Airplane albums.)
- Omniscience. (That only makes sense.)
See video of how an omniscient, absolutely coolest car behaves much like a drunk high schooler, doing donuts in an empty parking lot, right here.
KITT is a Shelby GT500KR Mustang [Jalopnik]
Nov 20 2007 Hoff To Do a Little More Knight Riding
Being a chivalrous gentleman, before I would ever ask for a woman's hand in marriage, I would first go to her father and ask his permission. The act has an old-fashioney charm to it, and invites the father to invent hilarious Meet the Parents-style traps to test my worth for his daughter.
Similarly, before I will ever watch a sequel or re-envisioning of the roles of David Hasselhoff--be they Baywatch, Baywatch Nights, or his work as Boner in Revenge of the Cheerleaders--I expect the full endorsement of the man himself.
So when I heard about NBC making a new Knight Rider--and after I finished doing spit takes--my first thought was does this have the Hoff seal of approval? The answer? You better believe it does. And it's an endorsement in the most mindblowingly Hoff-tastic way possible: a guest appearance! That's right, David Hasselhoff is in talks to appear on the new Knight Rider, starring alongside soap stars Deanna Russo and Justin Bruening.
If this support is half as influential as his endorsement for cheeseburgers, next fall I'll be figuratively eating this show off the floor!
Pair help KITT-start new 'Rider' (Yes, they actually said "KITT-start") [Hollywood Reporter]
Oct 8 2007 Open Letter to Makers of 'Anaconda' 3 & 4
Dear Sony:
I just read you have commissioned two more Anaconda films, replacing all of the original and sequel stars with David Hasselhoff. Why?
Granted, I don't know the people who saw Anaconda and its sequel, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but I'll trust you that they exist and paid to see J.Lo fight a large snake. (By the way, did they get the Blood Orchid?) I doubt, however, that these hypothetical people would bother watching the same situation two more times.
More importantly, I think you're misinterpreting the recent popularity of David Hasselhoff. As a member of the coveted 18-35 demographic, I assure you we do not actually equate him with quality products or acting. If that were the case, we would be watching falsely-titled America's Got Talent and Baywatch reruns. Interest in David Hasselhoff is limited to jokes about his singing, bare chest, Knight Rider, and the above video of him drunkenly eating a hamburger. Similarly, we do not want movies with Chuck Norris or that kid who cries for Britney Spears just because they enjoyed a moment of popularity through the internet and novelty t-shirts.
Thank you for your time, and please never make these.
PS: Also, we won't think it's cute if an anaconda is on a plane.
Anaconda 3 and 4 shooting [Moviehole]
Sep 28 2007 Knight Rider: No Hoff, No Thanks
Following the success of Transformers, Variety reports that NBC has plans to try their hand at another intelligent car-based program, remaking '80s classic Knight Rider. Not only does the article claim the series will introduce the idiotic idea of evil rival talking cars to go against KITT, there is no mention of David Hasselhoff reprising his role as Michael Knight. The only way this makes sense is if there will be twenty men playing the role of Knight, which would be roughly equivalent to one Hasselhoff.
For those that don't remember the series, under the cut is the final episode, in which an off-screen KITT selfishly tries to stop Michael Knight from enjoying his cheeseburger.
