Jun 6 2008 'My Best Friend's Girl' Poster Hurts My Eyes, Brain
Lionsgate has sent over the appropriately generic poster to the intensely unlikeable romantic-comedy My Best Friend's Girl. Only I think they made a mistake. Instead of using a photograph of Dane Cook, it appears that they've taken a picture of Matthew Perry, placed it impossibly close to Kate Hudson, and had someone paint their vague recollection of Cook over some of the features. Also, he should be doing a funny hand gesture.
Apr 16 2008 Worst Thing of the Week: 'My Best Friend's Girl' Trailer
You know that hilarious comedy where a loser can't get a girl, so he gets his asshole friend to help him, but then that friend ends up falling for the girl (I think there are several, so you choose which to envision)? It's back, and more annoying than ever thanks to the presence of Dane Cook as said asshole! His character's name is "Tank", he has the non-existant job of taking ex-girlfriends on dates and acting like a douche, and he's otherwise playing himself. Co-starring are Jason Biggs and Kate Hudson, also playing themselves, or at least whatever the repetition of playing the same character has made them. Sounds good, right? So watch the trailer for My Best Friend's Girl, below the cut. (You'll never guess what song it uses.)
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Aug 15 2007 Dan in Real Life Trailer
I figured Steve Carell would eventually find his way onto the tame, boring romantic comedy scene, but I had hoped we'd get at least one more 40-Year-Old Virgin out of him before that time arrived. Now it seems it may be too late, as I fear Dan in Real Life is the giant meteor signaling the end of the Carell we know and love and the beginning of this banal wiener seen here. He's so likable in this trailer that it would make John Cusack sick.
On the plus side, kudos to them for casting Dane Cook as the douche brother, a role that fits him as well as one of his idiotic leather wristbands.
Aug 7 2007 Good Luck Chuck Poster Muddled Together Again
The graphics department for Good Luck Chuck, Dane Cook's latest attempt to be funny, is continuing its trend of seamlessly editing together shots from different photo sessions. While I understand that it would be impossible for this shot to occur naturally, as Jessica Alba could never give such an adorable look to this douchebag, couldn't they at least hack this thing together in a more believable manner? I mean, kudos for cutting off the obnoxious hand gesture Cook is surely doing with his left hand, but this is ridiculous. Are they wafer thin or somehow molecularly fused? What is this entirely metallic world they're living in?
Better than your last effort though, boys.
Jul 5 2007 Good Luck Chuck Red-Band Trailer
A red-band trailer for the Dane Cook/Jessica Alba comedy Good Luck Chuck has found its way online, complete with F-words and cum shots or whatever it is that makes trailers red-band. I haven't watched it out of fear it will make the sting that much greater when Cook or one of his fans inevitably steals my girlfriend, beats me up, and drenches me in their Coors-scented piss. But you should feel free to enjoy it.
Jun 19 2007 Good Luck Chuck Poster
There's a new poster for Good Luck Chuck that must be clever because it imitates that Rolling Stone cover for some reason. Stars Dane Cook and Jessica Alba are photoshopped together with the deftness of a junior high girl pasting teen stars on her Trapper Keeper, but on the plus side, at least it shows Alba hopefully refused to be so surrounded by asswipe.
Jun 4 2007 Vince's MTV Movie Awards Semi-Live Blog
Not even Sarah Silverman could keep MTV from sucking.
Thoughts that went through my mind as I watched the MTV Movie Awards:
Jeez, is Sarah Silverman ever not funny? She has really broad shoulders.
Jack Nicholson: Old, sick, wasted off his tits, or all three?
At this point, I think it's passé to hate Dane Cook. Subnote: I wonder how to make that accented e symbol.
Hairspray. Ugh. I'd rather gargle semen than watch this movie, and I think that would make me feel less gay.
Sacha Baron von Cohen Speech: Did he just say "crashed his cart in Jewtown"? Amazing.
Skyler Stone makes me die on the inside. Pretty much any guy named Skyler, really.
Pirates. of. the. F***ing. Carribbean. Now I remember why I usually don't watch this show.
Wow, you can really see the hatred of blacks in Jerry Bruckheimer's eyes.
UPDATE: Thanks to Daniél for éducating my ignorant ass.Whéééé!! Next month: Umlauts.
May 30 2007 Dane Cook Joins Bachelor No. 2
Dane doing a hilarious hand gesture in front of a sign for the hilarious hand gesture.
Frat boy fixture Dane Cook is in talks to star in Bachelor No. 2, in which he'll play Tank, a man employed to take girls on such horrible dates that they'll end up running back to their ex-boyfriends. As much as I feel bad for anyone who ends up mistakenly seeing this movie, I feel worse for the video store employees sure to be faced with helping people try to find Bachelor No. 1 before they see the sequel.
May 9 2007 Jessica Biel is Hot, Chinese
"I would never be in a movie with Dane Cook like that Jessica Alba trollop."
Chun-Li from Street Fighter, that sixteen-bit sexpot spank material for adolescent boys before the advent of online porn, is supposedly going to be played by Jessica Biel in a new, disappointingly Van Damme-less movie version of the video game.
Jessica Biel doesn't look very much like a Chinese girl to me, but she does look like the girl I had sex with last night!
I taught her the old ping pong ball trick so the character would be more authentic. (Here's where I'd make that sound with my finger and cheek that they do at the beginning of "Lollypop")
May 4 2007 License to Wed Trailer
Robin Williams puts a young couple through a series of relationship tests, surely none as grueling as this trailer, in License to Wed. Also starring Mandy Moore as the young bride-to-be and The Office's John Krasinski as Dane Cook, License to Wed utterly reinvents the genre of really stupid bullshit, with Williams showing that, even after RV, he's still trying just as hard to make you despise him.
Feb 8 2007 Mr. Brooks Trailer
I thought Mr. Jones, a thriller that's unearthed Kevin Costner, was just another stupid, boring, cliched attempt at a serial killer on-the-loose story, but that was before I realized Dane Cook was in the cast. Now I've added hacky and douchebaggy to my description. See the shaggy-haired frat-boy excitement here.
Jan 15 2007 Golden Globes Coverage!
Golden Globes coverage in progress! It's like a big dumb prom with trinkets! See uninformed opinions below cut!
Oct 27 2006 "Smokin' Aces" Trailer, Douches
If douche bags were giant robot cats, Smokin' Aces would be their Voltron. Want proof? Then watch the new trailer, where you can see Ben Affleck, Jeremy Piven, and some other suspected date rapists reenact Snatch (without the accents) in this stylized shoot-em-up. If you're wondering why Dane Cook isn't in the line-up, it's because Ryan Reynolds is there instead. Scientifically, only one of the two can exist at any given point at one time, and as one feels joy, the other must feel pain. This delicate balance is all that keeps the Frat-iverse from imploding.
Aug 18 2006 Transformers Roster Announced; Grimlock Ousted
Thanks to Yahoo's extremely reliable streaming media viewer, I had to glean this information in boring text form from Ain't It Cool News. Screenwriters Alex Kurtzman and Bob Orci hosted a chat mere hours ago where they answered fan-submitted questions about their upcoming Transformers film, and one of the revelations was the official list of which big robots are appearing.
In the Autobot camp, Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet and Ironhide will fight for good.
In the Decepticon camp, the Autobots will be out-numbered by Megatron, Starscream, Brawl, Bonecrusher, Barricade, Skorpinok, Frenzy and Blackout.
Kurtzman and Orci didn't reveal if the battle had a clear victor in the end. If Dane Cook gets eviscerated by a few Constructions, the winner is stand-up comedy.
Jul 24 2006 Employee of the Month Trailer
Dane Cook, I hate you, but you're in this movie with Jessica Simpson, so I have to assume it will be a respectable, critically praised film. In Employee of the Month, the Cook-man tries to woo the lovely Ms. Simpson by taking the coveted titular award from star emloyee Dax Shepard.
I'll tell you right now, if it were that easy to get a woman to date you, I'd have definitely had a job or dated a woman at some point in my life. You need more than an employee of the month star on your record to date a woman. I've found most want oral hygiene and a degree of respect beyond name recognition. For a lone wolf like me, they might as well be asking for an engagement ring.
Oct 6 2005 Dane Cook kisses Charlize Theron's ass
And leave it to Jay Leno to make a totally inappropriate comment about how he wanted to switch places with Dane Cook. Why hasn't anybody slapped that big-chinned bastard in the face yet for being a total pervert? The guy does all his interviews while staring at his guests' breasts, and yet when I do it women can't wait to punch me in the face. What an unfair world we live in.
