Oct 17 2008 Ratner (Mostly) Officially Directing Conan

It's sort of official: the rumor that Brett Ratner is directing the new Conan film is true. AICN reports:

Let’s be clear... stop calling [Conan] a remake. They’re not doing the Milius film. They’re starting over from the original stories. So it’s relly wrong to call this thing a remake at all. You won’t be seeing the same story or even the same supporting characters. This is ground zero.

And now it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing the goddamn thing.

Oh, brother. Alright, Brett, do your worst. And I mean that. Seriously, do your worst. Making a non-laughable movie about a fictional barbarian would already be a chore for most directors. There's no way you of all people can do it, so really, just make it terrible. Make this the watch ironically while drunk movie of the year. I want joke about name pronunciation ("It's ConAn, not ConIn!"); I want pop culture references ("What do I look like, a talk show host?"); I want exasperated looks at the camera (Conan looking at camera and shrugging); and I want to hear this exchange: "You da man!" "No, I'm the CO-man," says Conan, lowering his sunglasses.

If that rumor about an American Gladiator being up for the lead is true, you're already off to a good start.

Sep 18 2008 Someone Letting Brett Ratner Direct 'Conan'?

Brett Ratner, who's been busy keeping himself relevant with non-stop talk of a Guitar Hero movie, has reportedly been offered a Conan movie. From Dread Central:

We got word today that Nu Image is offering the long-awaited new Conan movie to, of all people, Brett Ratner. Over the years there have been so directors circling this project, everyone from Robert Rodriguez to Rob Zombie, the fact that Brett Ratner might actually attach himself to this and make it a reality is almost enough to make one wish they’d just stop trying to bring Robert E. Howard’s creation back to the big screen.

Hey, Bret Ratner, are you thinking what I'm thinking? That Conan gets mystically teleported to modern day New York City, where he competes in a Guitar Hero tournament, and the tagline is "He's a real barbarian on the axe"? I worry you are.

Aug 5 2008 American Gladiator Might Be Captain America, Conan

/Film has received a tip that Mike O'Hearn, better known (only known) as the American Gladiator Titan (aka, the one who occasionally turns into a blonde Hulk), revealed to an Omaha radio show that he's up for the leads in Conan and Captain America.

I don't know about this. Sure, he has the physique, but an American Gladiator playing Captain America. I mean, yeah, when I say it like that it sounds like it makes perfect sense, but come on. What are this guy's qualifications? Let's see what NBC.com has to say:

With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter if we like these casting choices or not; he's going to take the roles one way or another regardless. Unless this is just another one of Titan's famous mind games...

Feb 8 2008 Rob Zombie to Zombify Conan the Barbarian?

There was a time when Rob Zombie was content in making intolerable noise metal that served as a standardized test for identifying the troubled youths of middle school. They were happier times, when his pseudo-Satanic messages were streamed through headphones and black t-shirts, making them easy enough to ignore. Now, with Zombie intent on proving himself a serious director, it's becoming harder and harder to overlook his efforts at bringing the same mentality to screens, particularly with latest news that he's in talks to direct a Conan movie.

As much of my brain as his lazy Halloween remake killed, certain regions still function, and I couldn't help but ponder what Rob Zombie's Conan the Barbarian might be like. Then, magically, my vision somehow manifested itself on YouTube. I think it will be just like that, except with Tyler Bane as Conan, and probably with some white trash rape.

Rob Zombie to Conquer an Empire [Bloody Disgusting]

Nov 1 2007 AM Poster Post: 'Conan' Teaser Poster

This new Conan movie is bound to be good. Not only are they staying more faithful to Robert E. Howard's original creation, they're using Schwarzenegger's torso from 1980!

New Conan Teaser Poster! [ComingSoon]

Jun 14 2007 Triumph at the Tonys

Okay, so maybe this isn't technically "news", but Triumph makes my insides feel like a million baby polar bears. My liver, on the other hand, looks like a scrotum full of varicose veins. Someday you'll thank me for that visual.