Aug 31 2009 Clive Owen Apparently Doing Hallmark Channel-esque Movies
Since he didn't become Bond, looks like he decided to become a male Bette Midler instead. When this comes out, I'm going to have such a good cry that I probably won't come out of my bath all night.
'The Boys Are Back' Poster [IMPA]
Dec 11 2008 'Duplicity' Poster is a Glitterati Equal Sign
"Outwit"? "Outplay"? Duplicity it starting to sound a lot like Survivor but with spying and more sunglasses.
Duplicity Poster [Jo Blo]
Nov 26 2008 'Duplicity' Trailer Does Not Star Michael Keaton(s)
Congratulations to Ocean's Eleven and Mr. and Mrs. Smith on the birth of their Clive Owen/Julia Roberts-starring romantic-comedy-heist, Duplicity. May your spawn find reasonable box-office success and one day itself birth a sequel called Twoplicity. Here's the official announcement (the trailer):
Continue Reading " 'Duplicity' Trailer Does Not Star Michael Keaton(s) "
Oct 29 2008 'International' Poster Ends Bank Corruption
Columbia Pictures has released a new poster for The International, the upcoming thriller that takes Owen and Watts on a globetrotting adventure to stop a large, criminally-corrupt international bank. It's so relevant right now! But at least we know if that even if banks do control our money, our government, and our lives, there's one thing they will never control: our Clive Owens. Our Clive Owens will always be free, running rampant in our art museums, indiscriminately firing their uzis. You will never stop our uzi-firing, museum-patronizing Clive Owens, banks.
New Poster for 'The International' [Coming Soon]
Sep 12 2008 'International' Trailer Creates Little 'Interest' (See, Because It's About a Bank)
OK, so our banking system is falling apart, but we've got bigger problems: it turns out one of the banks is corrupting, extorting, and murdering (as conspicuously seen in their ATM menu options). The only man who can stop them? Clive Owen playing Clive Owen, obviously. And he will do so by shooting every one of those MF'ing bankers dead. It's like a surprisingly violent WaMu commercial.
Sep 5 2007 Shoot 'Em Up Intercourse/Gunfight Scene
I knew when I saw the trailer (posted above) that Shoot 'Em Up was going to be full of testosterone-driven, ridiculously unbelievable action scenes, and, honestly, I was kind of looking forward to that. But, brother, I had no idea. In this tasteful scene, Clive Owen is having sex with Monica Bellucci when some masked characters, clearly evil, enter. Clive proceeds to exchange gunfire with the men, killing them all, while continuing to bring Monica to orgasm. You'll be amazed with what can happen when believability is thrown out the window in exchange for graphic sex and violence.
Warning: Clip is not safe for work due to Clive Owen having sex with Monica Bellucci while shooting people.
Shoot 'Em Up Sex Clip [IESB]
Jul 6 2007 Shoot 'Em Up Trailer: Tits, Fire, and Motley Crüe
T 'N F
Shoot 'Em Up stars Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bigtitserino, looks like a cross between Snatch and Smokin' Aces, and was written and directed by Michael Davis, a dude I've never really heard of before. I'll be honest, the trailer looks promising. It reminds me of the day when action movies, even the shitty ones, had over the top bad guys, awesome one liners, and of course plenty of tits and fire. This was before people like Jerry Bruckheimer replaced these things with inane plot twists, talking animals, and Nic Cage.
After at least half a decade of piece of shit, PG-13, Paul Walker vehicles*, perhaps this is a return to form? Let's hope so. But I also remember thinking the Independence Day trailer looked awesome, so who knows.
*From Encyclopedia of Stuff Vince Hates, Volume P
Jul 2 2007 Shoot 'Em Up Character Posters
As if Monica Belluci wasn't already one of the most beautiful women on the planet, the character posters for Shoot 'Em Up have knocked her up a notch with the implication that she's savagely murdered a militant dwarf.
See the Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti posters under the cut, and the trailer is here if you have no idea what Shoot 'Em Up is.
Jun 27 2007 Clive Owen Forced to Hold Babies to be as Attractive as Me
Owen was full of murderous intent until the baby ghost of Jerry Garcia floated up from the floorboards and taught him a thing or two about peace, love, and onesies.
In Michael Davis' upcoming Shoot 'Em Up, the gimmick is Clive Owen carrying a newborn baby during a gunfight for much of the movie. It would've been easier to just do a documentary about me, as I often cradle newborns in my arms while bedding supermodels, beating up terrorists using only my feet, and arm wrestling manatees - but I digress.
The rub here is that the babies will be real, not fake steaming piles of CGI, like in Children of Men. Says Davis:
If we would have shot here in LA, the rule of shooting with an infant is that they can only be in front of the camera for a half hour a day. I didn't know that. But, when we went up to Canada, the babies could work for eight hours a day. They can work 15 minutes on in front of the camera and then they need a 20 minute break. But, we had twins so virtually we could have a baby whenever we wanted. It eased it up a lot.
Have a baby whenever he wants, who is this guy, Kevin Federline? *rimshot* Anyway, I'm glad he was able to shoot with those commies up there in Canuck-land, whose child labor laws are notoriously lax. Might as well have shot the movie in China. Babies there are already working in sweat shops and doing kung fu. Then again, maybe that's why kids grow up to be such pussies in LA.
