Feb 5 2009 'Candy Land' Gets Writer, Director, Candy

Universal has announced the writing/directing team for their movie based on the board game Candy Land, and you know they're going to screw up the part where someone picks a card with a color on it and then advances to the next instance of that color:

Studio has set Etan Cohen to write and Kevin Lima to direct a live-action feature based on the enduring Hasbro board game.

Lima most recently directed the Amy Adams starrer "Enchanted" after helming the animated features "Tarzan" and "102 Dalmatians." Cohen's recent script work includes "Tropic Thunder" and "Madagascar 2," and he most recently rewrote "The Fiance," the Burr Steers-directed romantic comedy that will star Anne Hathaway.

I am highly opposed to this. When a kid is playing Candy Land, they should be basking in the dreams of living in a candy-based world and enjoying the freedom that comes with chance controlling your every move. They shouldn't have to stop and say "Wait, Madison, if I'm rounding Gumdrop Lane, does that mean I'm after the part where Alan Cumming as Dr. Licorice has kidnapped the kids and they're about to reluctantly return to the human world through the Lollipop Portal?" Let the children keep their context-free world paved in diabetes. Trouble, on the other hand--go ahead and make a Trouble movie. What's the trouble? Let's find out.

'Candy Land' coming to bigscreen [Variety]

Feb 20 2008 Universal, Hasbro Announce Bad Idea Partnership

Universal Pictures and Hasbro have announced a six-year partnership that will produce at least four films based on the following games: Monopoly, Candy Land, Ouija, Battleship, Magic: The Gathering, and Stretch Armstrong. Aside from Ridely Scott's inexplicable involvement in the Monopoly project, very little is known about how the properties would be developed into feature films. So how about I pitch some ideas?

Ouija - A group of gullible teenagers attribute a string of recent murders to a ghost, only to find out it was just their asshole friend doing it. (Note: This should be made in Asia first, then remade here.)

Clue - A wealthy mansion-owner invites a group of similarly affluent guests over to watch Clue.

Battleship - A hotshot naval commander attempts a daring new formation of lining up his fleet in a row along the border. This fails, but the young leader still finds victory after the enemy can't find his f***ing destroyer.

Monopoly - A light-hearted gathering erupts in argument; the film ends abruptly.

Stretch Armstrong - This movie (and toy) should never be made, but will star Jim Carrey and a lot of low-budget CGI.

Candy Land - A band of outcast teenagers find themselves in a colorful, candy-coated world where their movements are dictated by color. It turns out they're just really, really high.

Magic: The Gathering - An exciting battle between a powerful orc shaman and a dwarf paladin suddenly becomes dull when someone realizes it's a card game.

Any other/better ideas? It seems like the Magic movie should work in woeful virginity, but I'm not sure how.

Universal rolls dice with Hasbro [Variety]