Dec 31 2008 'G-Force' Trailer: Talking Guinea Pigs This Time

So many great people in this--Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Tracy Morgan, Sam Rockwell, Bill Nighy, Steve Buscemi--yet it still comes off as a poor attempt at Alvin and the Chipmunks-izing Disney's Rescue Rangers. Every day for like two years, some guy went home to his wife every night and gave her news like, "I got the Nicolas Cage mole's mouth to move more in sync today," and, "I've almost tweaked the Penelope Cruz guinea pig to look oddly sexual when she sashays, even though she still has the body of a guinea pig," just so we could have this:

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Nov 19 2008 'Underworld 3' Poster Goes a Different Direction with the Heartthrob Vampire Thing

Sure, Twilight has young heartthrob Robert Pattinson playing a vampire that has all the girls swooning, but Underworld 3 isn't doing so bad either. They've got a dress-clad, 58-year-old Bill Nighy glaring menacingly out of the poster, so, you know, they aren't sweatin' it.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans Poster [Shock Till You Drop]

Oct 31 2008 Final 'Valkyrie' Trailer Makes Hitler Assassination Fun

Here's the final trailer to Valkyrie, the Bryan Singer-directed, Tom Cruise-starring historical thriller about a German assassination plot against Hitler. The film looks well made, but I can't help but feel a lack of tension knowing that the plot fails (thanks for the spoilers, history). I hope, to keep things interesting, there's a second, "or what if THIS happened?" ending where we see the plan succeed and Hiter gets blown up. You know, just something tasteful, like the fuhrer sees the bomb and is like, "Ooooohhh shiiiiii--" and then you see an explosion as Tom Cruise rides up on a horse, Hitler's mustache floating gently in the sky (like that CGI feather in Forrest Gump), and Cruise says, "Let's get the heil outta here!"

Maybe for the DVD?

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Oct 23 2008 'Underworld: Rise of the Lycans' Trailer is Vampires v. Werewolves v. LOVE

Here's your trailer to Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, starring Rhona Mitra as Sonja, Bill Nighy as Viktor, and werewolves as Lycans. Summary, from Apple:

The third film in the $200 million UNDERWORLD franchise delves into the origins of the centuries-old blood feud between the aristocratic vampires, known as Death Dealers, and the barbaric Lycans (werewolves). A young Lycan, Lucian (Michael Sheen), emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor (Bill Nighy), the cruel vampire king who has persecuted them for hundreds of years. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, the beautiful vampire Sonja (Rhona Mitra), in his battle to free the Lycans from their brutal enslavement.

I almost get the impression that the vampire/wolf conflict here could be analogous to real-world oppressions! So controversial:

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Nov 8 2007 'Valkyrie' Trailer Showcases Smug Cruise

Man, I knew Tom Cruise had gotten pretty smug after acquiring a fake wife slave and a perfectly genetically-engineered infant, but I figured we'd hit a smugness plateau. It turns out, as the trailer for Valkyrie shows, it wasn't even close.

But what could possibly make Tom Cruise act more arrogant than sucking the soul from a promising young actress, breathing it into a fine porcelain doll, and parading around the results like a real family? Little more than a Nazi uniform, an eyepatch, and a sharply-parted and gelled perm.

Thankfully, such self-importance actually works for the role, in which Cruise plays a Nazi convinced he can take down Hitler and his regime with the help of Kenneth Branagh, Terence Stamp, Bill Nighy, and others that make Cruise look like the spring chicken he recalls in his daily viewings of Top Gun. Bryan Singer might have a winner on his hands.

Valkyrie Trailer [Yahoo!]

Sep 5 2007 Full Cast of Valkyrie as Hitler-Killing Hopefuls

For those out of the know, Tom Cruise has recently taken some time away from ruining the life of his young bride to make a movie about a group of conspirators plotting to assassinate Hitler. These conspirators were particularly significant because they were comprised of German noblemen and officials, and their plans were more feasible than my android army idea. Above is the main cast, comprised of Cruise, Bill Nighy, Terence Stamp, Kenneth Branagh, and, seated at left, the German equivalent of Howie Mandel. To get the full effectiveness of the image, print and tape inside a bathroom stall.

Tom Cruise and his conspirators [Daily Mail]