Dec 10 2007 Weekend Box Office: 'Golden Compass' Wins, Still Does Horribly
1. The Golden Compass - A disappointing $26.1 million weekend proves it takes more than Nicole Kidman, epic battles, and armored CGI polar bear fights to bring in audiences. It also takes a giant robot polar bear that totally eats the shit out of every other polar bear.
2. Enchanted - I can't figure out why America paid $10.7 million to see a fairy tale princess in the real world when we've already had one. Rest in peace, Diana!
3. This Christmas - Why talk about the $5 million weekend gross when Chris Brown could sing about it?
4. Fred Claus - $4.7 million worth of recommendations to not see Fred Claus.
5. Beowulf - After taking in another $4.4 million, what's next for Beowulf? Answer: NEOwulf!
Honorable Mention: Juno only made $420,000, but it only played on seven screens, so that's nutso.
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Dec 3 2007 Another Box Office Win for 'Enchanted'
1. Enchanted - Audiences are enchanted by Enchanted, making it the number one comedy in America for two straight weeks! I assume that's what the commercials will be saying all this week, and every week (with updated week counts), until something even blander comes along to take its spot. ($17 million.)
2. This Christmas - It made another $8.4 million, yet I still don't know anyone who is even remotely aware of this movie. (Note: I'm only friends with racists.)
3. Beowulf - Boring, Olde English epic poetry at its best: in 3-D with creepy-as-shit pseudo-humans! That's why it made another $7.9 million.
4. Awake - Despite having even worse reviews than the god-awful video game assassin movie, it still made $6 million.
5. Hitman - The god-awful video game assassin movie made $5.8 million.
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Nov 26 2007 'Enchanted' Wins Weekend Box Office
1. Enchanted - Weren't Elf, Crocodile Dundee, Jungle 2 Jungle, and whatever similar movies I'm forgetting enough to satiate the public desire for the out-of-place-wacko-in-New-York genre? The $35.3 million Enchanted made says not quite.
2. This Christmas - Audiences paid $18.6 million to learn that Delroy Lindo's Christmas was nowhere near as eventful as Chevy Chase's.
3. Beowulf - A 41% drop to $16.2 million indicates the haunting, soulless eyes of animated mannequins might not be as inviting as previously thought.
4. Hitman - Coming in with a relatively disappointing $13 million, maybe this is evidence that video games don't necessarily make the best movies. But let's try a few dozen more times before we stop.
5 Bee Movie - Still pulling in $12 million after a month, thanks to Jerry Seinfeld's nightly visits to every home in America, dressed as a bee, when he quietly whispers lines of dialog into slumbering ears.
Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]
Nov 20 2007 Angelina Jolie Sort of Naked in 'Beowulf'
I don't fully understand all the excitement surrounding Angelina Jolie's computer-animated nude scene in Beowulf. Actual pictures and video of her naked, younger, and less preachy already exist, so why the hoopla over an animated version with soulless eyes, an unidentifiable accent, and the "liquid cool" of Capri Sun covering her swimsuit parts?
But if you're interested, a bootlegger has done you the honor, and the full scene is under the cut until authorities remove it.
Continue Reading " Angelina Jolie Sort of Naked in 'Beowulf' "
Nov 19 2007 'Beowulf' Soullessly Wins Weekend Box Office
1. Beowulf - America shows an exceptional tolerance for frightening, not-quite-human, animated beings, as long as one of them is basically naked, by donating $28.1 million to the cause.
2. Bee Movie - After taking in another $14.3 million, bringing it to $93.8 million total, something tells me Jerry Seinfeld is already hard at work on commercials for Bee Movie 2.
3. American Gangster - $13.2 million isn't too shabby, but imagine what it could be making if Denzel Washington were (a) computer-generated, (b) an insect, (c) both, or (d) Will Smith.
4. Fred Claus - $12 million seems like a lot to pay to rid yourself of any and all early Christmas excitement.
5. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium - If Mr. Magorium were truly magic, he would have erased Willy Wonka from the public consciousness before this was released, possibly giving it a chance to earn more than $10 million.
Nov 6 2007 AM Poster Post: 'Beowulf' Bewildered by Flame
Even though I was forced to bore myself through Beowulf in high school, then again in college, I'll definitely have to check out this version now that I'm reminded it stars these frightening, soulless near-humanoids. I forgot how much better a tired, centuries-old epic can seem when, rather than actual actors, precise computer-replicas of those actors are used to act out the same scenes with their jarring, emotionless eyes. Technology has come so far.
Final Beowulf Poster [IMPA]
Oct 9 2007 More Terrifying, Not-Quite-Real 'Beowulf' Images
I can't wait until directors tire of this realistic CGI craze (as seen in Polar Express, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, and now Beowulf), because it's getting really disturbing to look at these soulless, not-quite-real effigies moving all-too-fluidly around the screen. Case-in-point, this new image of Grendel from Beowulf, though essentially a computer's rendering of an adult Pig-Pen, will haunt me for days.
New Beowulf Images [Empire]
Sep 5 2007 R-Rated Beowulf Trailer
There's a new R-rated trailer to Robert Zemeckis's all-CGI epic, Beowulf, so you can add some much-needed computer-generated blood and breasts to your day. Watching this latest trailer, I think I can safely say that when Zemeckis promised to deliver a photo-realistic CGI world, he meant it. Assuming, that is, that the photos being referred to were photos of old video game cut-scenes.
PS: If you're having a hard time remembering that the main character's name is Beowulf, don't worry. He'll forcefully remind you a few times throughout the trailer.
Beowful Red-Band Trailer [Official Site]
Jul 30 2007 International Beowulf Trailer
This international trailer for Robert Zemeckis's Beowulf still features essentially the same creepy shots of too-realistic-for-anyone's-good CGI characters, and you'll still be left wondering what the point was of creating such realistic versions of the voice actors instead of just using them as actors, but it does carry one advantage: a mostly naked Angelina Jolie. I mean, she's really only about as naked as Mystique from X-Men, and of course it's the aforementioned disturbingly-realistic-but-not-quite-right version of Angelina Jolie, not flesh and blood, but it's still better than the crumpled JC Penney lingerie ad wedged between your mattress and box spring.
Jul 26 2007 Beowulf Trailer Makes Me Feel Old
The light emanating from my crotch is both intense and celestial. Bask in it, Angelina. BASK FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH!
As you may have already inferred from the title of this post or your clairvoyant turtle, the trailer for Beowulf is now online.
I know Zemeckis totally has a boner for this live actiony animation stuff, probably because he's getting too lazy to properly film shit in his old age, but much as I try to keep an open mind, I hate it. It's not real enough to make me think I'm looking at real people, and it's not stylized enough to look cool as animation. Why the hell do I want to watch something drawn by people who aren't good enough to draw it freehand? "Hey, look what I drew on this tracing paper!" "Good job, that looks almost exactly like Garfield, and you managed not to eat the crayon this time."
It just looks like one of those stupid computer games where your little character walks around town and you start killing everybody because they're not real and watching them die is the only thing that's interesting. But then you can't make it to the next level because the object of the game was to make their crops grow and instead you brutally slaughtered them. I think Mao had the same problem.
Jul 2 2007 Beowulf and the Adventures of Sideboob
Beowulf's script was etched into stone tablets and storyboarded on a cave wall
Posters for Beowulf have hit the web and they're pretty underwhelming, save for some Angelina Jolie sideboob action, which I'm always down for. Neil Gaiman (hee hee, more like Neil Gay Man, zing!) wrote the script, which has Ray Winstone, Robin Wright Penn, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, and Crispin Glover. I'm pretty excited for it. Maybe not guy getting hit in the nuts with a fish excited, but excited none the less.
