Jan 14 2008 Empty Nesters Weekend Box Office For 'Bucket List'
1. The Bucket List - $19.5 million. With no new episodes of CSI, everyone's parents went out this weekend.
2. First Sunday - Will a $19 million opening be enough to warrant Second Sunday After Next?
3. Juno - The quirky but charming gross of $14 million.
4. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - If you're able to suspend your disbelief that this could make another $11.5 million, you're the perfect audience for this movie.
5. Alvin and the Chipmunks - Still here, and making $9.1 million.
Weekend Box Office [Box Office Mojo]
Jan 10 2008 Chipettes Joining Alvin, Chipmunks in Animated Evil Axis
For anyone who follows this blog with any regularity, you know that Alvin and the Chipmunks is a film I have given strict attention and focused disgust. The already-grating rodents have been made more annoying, strangely sexualized, devoid of charm, and, most catastrophically, more omnipresent than ever. (I'm aware this wasn't a movie being targeted to my demographic, but neither was the Holocaust, and I still vocally disapprove of that.)
Now, with the horror show nearly passing the $200 million mark at the box office, it was only a matter of time before the painful news of a sequel rose, and it's worse than I could have imagined: they're bringing in the Chipettes. Start the countdown until the poster of Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanor dressed as fly girls.
“There has been a lot of talk about it,” revealed Janice Karman, one of the film’s producers. “A lot of people have been asking about the little girls.”
That's interesting that people asked that. See, if I'd actually spent money and watched Alvin and the Chipmunks, I don't think "where were the little girls?" would have been my first question. I'd have probably started with "what inspired the whole shit eating part?", "did you digitally erase Jason Lee's soul, or was that already gone when you started filming?", or maybe just "what the f***?" I'd probably only get to the desire to double the number of chipmunks much later, when I realized I wanted to die.
So how about Parker Posey as the Chipettes' wrangler? Like Jason Lee, she really has that magical combination of Why Are You Here? and I Can Sort of See Why You're Here.
Jan 7 2008 Weekend Box Office: 'National Treasure' Again?
1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - $20.2 million more to the best Nicolas Cage movie since his last piece of shit.
2. I Am Legend - Yeah, I know you're legend, Will Smith. Have another $16.3 million and shut up about it.
3. Juno - Wait, it made $16.2 million and beat Alvin and the Chipmunks? It's almost as if good taste and logic have persevered over an irrational love for creepy singing chipmunks.
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks - $16 million, because there's still an irrational love for creepy singing chipmunks.
5. One Missed Call - Being the only new release, and playing off the nation's collective phobia of possibly missing a single call, helped it bring in $13.5 million.
Weekend Box Office [Box Office Mojo]
Jan 2 2008 'National Treasure' Wins Another Weekend, Somehow
1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - Like Indiana Jones, but with a more ludicrous MacGuffin than even the Holy Grail; $35.6 million.
2. Alvin and the Chipmunks - "How about that chipmunk one, where the chipmunks are all really creepy and obnoxious? Let's see that one." Enough people said this that it accumulated $29.1 million over the weekend.
3. I Am Legend - Made $27.3 million despite recent rumors that Will Smith is Hitler.
4. Charlie Wilson's War - If I understand correctly, Charlie Wilson is to war as Merv Griffin is to Crosswords, though I don't know what that actually means; $12 million.
5. Juno - The most talked-about teen pregnancy film since the bizarre one you had to watch in 8th grade sex ed. made $10.6 million.
Weekend Box Office [Box Office Mojo]
Dec 17 2007 'I Am Legend' Wins Weekend, 'Alvin' Does Far Too Well
1. I Am Legend - A massive budget, computer effects, and the Fresh Prince are always a surefire hit, bringing in $76.5 million. Now if someone could only explain why.
2. Alvin and the Chipmunks - With a $45 million weekend, it's finally the definitive proof that there is no God. Or if there is, he loves shit-eating jokes, which might be worse.
3. The Golden Compass - This weekend, America made an important choice: talking polar bears or talking chipmunks? In short, the polar bears lost, making only $9 million, and immediately blew it all on fish.
4. Enchanted - Seriously, this is still making $6 million a weekend? How many talking animal movies is it going to take to knock this out of the top five?
5. No Country for Old Men - If you know how good the Coen Brothers' latest is, it will infuriate you to know that, with $3 million, it made 15 times less than Jason Lee's computer-animated castration.
Weekend Box Office [Box Office Mojo]
Dec 4 2007 More 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Anger Fuel
Jesus Christ. If these are the most impressive clips to show off Alvin and the Chipmunks, it's actually much, much worse than even the phrase "munk yourself" implies.
Honestly, try watching this clip of an updated version of the old Chipmunks classic, "Witch Doctor." What little you hear over your own internal screaming will surely be one of the most maddening experiences of your life. I can't even figure out if the modernizing is an actual, sad attempt at making an idiotic novelty song trendy again or a self-aware reference to the sad state of modern pop music. Judging from everything else I've seen, I have a hard time believing this film is capable of exhibiting any self-awareness.
If that's not enough, try out this clip, in which Jason Lee's ridiculously stilted performance seems almost acceptable once you realize he must be holding back a mouthful of vomit. Or this one, with an extremely original slimy manager character played by a near-suicidal David Cross.
This movie must be made by some kind of nostalgia Grinch, desperately trying to convert any pleasant pop culture memories of your youth into raw, unadulterated rage.
Alvin and the Chipmunks Clips [Yahoo!]
Dec 4 2007 Alvin, Chipmunks Ask You to 'Munk Yourself'
If you've been following any of my coverage of the unsolicited Alvin and the Chipmunks update, you know that their entire campaign is based on building strong feelings of confusion and rage in the audience. Sticking with this trend, the film has a new website that begs the weary web-browser to "Get Munked!"
Something like The Simpsons Movie avatar maker, if the newly-coined verb "to munk" didn't fill you with enough blind anger then the few perplexing options offered in personalizing your chipmunk surely will. I don't know who hoped for the ability to dress a chipmunk like a Rastafarian, but it was a wish that should not have been granted.
Munk Yourself! [Official Site]
Nov 29 2007 More Rage-Inducing Images from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'
As much as I hated the bizarre hip-hop version of the Chipmunks from the poster, this hardcore lesbian version is a far, far more terrifying alternative.
Look below the cut to see how their "Disco Chipmunks" version somehow ended up a confusing amalgam of Saturday Night Fever, pregnancy, and pubic hair.
Continue Reading " More Rage-Inducing Images from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' "
Nov 8 2007 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Full Trailer!
As awful as I realized Alvin and the Chipmunks would be from its Jamie Kennedy-esque attempt at hip-hop parody, vague allusions to HBO programming, and literal shit eating, this new trailer for the film updates me as to many other terrible things it will include. Such as:
- David Cross. Normally, the inclusion of the hilarious David Cross would be a positive, but seeing him in this crap-cake is equivalent to watching your favorite band play at a Taco Bell. Nice to see them, but why there, among the rodents? This is below you, no matter what the compensation.
- The chipmunk voices have gone up about five octaves, now reaching the point of completely unbearable.
- Besides the aforementioned shit-eating joke, there are also fart-in-the-face jokes.
- According to descriptions of each chipmunk I'm given in the trailer, Alvin is a flamboyantly seductive hula hooper, Simon has a servant fetish, and Theodore is a nocturnal frotteur.
- The chipmunks are almost always naked. Which wouldn't be that weird for animals, except they're constantly being portrayed as bizarrely sexual.
Basically, unless you want your kids to become feces-obsessed perverts, I wouldn't recommend taking them to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Thanks for the tip, Kyle.
Alvin and the Chipmunks Trailer [Yahoo!]
Nov 5 2007 More 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Images To Chew On
For whatever reason, I can't help but follow the developing disaster that is Alvin and the Chipmunks with a sense of awe and bewilderment. I guess I can understand updating the characters with new, terrible jokes and real-world CGI effects for a new generation (I got over that with Garfield and Underdog), but why make them so intensely unlikable?
If you'd asked me an hour ago how to make a chipmunk look like an absolute douchebag, I would barely know where to start. Now, thanks to this image, I've relaized that, like a frat boy, it takes little more than an oversized hoodie, overly-gelled hair, and a look of aggressive arrogance to get the point across.
How can they carry such looks of smug satisfaction when we already know one of them eats feces? That's right--In case you'd forgotten, the trailer revealed that Alvin shoves Theodore's poop in his mouth to save him the embarrassment of having shit on a table. (In fairness, similar situations have occurred on The View.)
Enjoy a fecal reminder and another image, under the cut.
Continue Reading " More 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Images To Chew On "
Oct 3 2007 AM Poster Post: 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Still Love Old Hip-Hop
Back in July, I posted a similar poster of Alvin and the Chipmunks in hip-hop clothes that also included the looming head of Jason Lee. Rightfully, it was met with a huge negative outcry. Why were the chipmunks dressed like a vague recollection of Run-DMC as furries? No one could answer this.
In response, they've made a new poster that charitably omits Jason Lee but maintains these idiotic get-ups and adds what I believe to be a half-hearted attempt at a reference to HBO's Entourage. Well done, guys. You've definitely cleared up any issues we had with the original poster.
Jul 27 2007 Alvin and the Chipmunks' Hilarious Trailer!
I found this Alvin and the Chipmunks teaser trailer over on Cinematical, where the writer had this to say:
Alviiiiin! Ah, there's just something about seeing Alvin, Simon and Theodore sing Funkytown that just brings me back to my childhood, sitting at home with nothing else to do but watch those old Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoons. The first trailer for the new, updated version of Alvin and Chipmunks has just arrived over on Moviefone and -- I dunno -- it made me chuckle. Then again, I'm a sucker for these damn chipmunks.
Awesome, so seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks reminds you of your childhood... during which you also spent time seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was nice of you to spell that out for us, I'm not sure if we'd have made the jump otherwise... Did your childhood also include getting hammered through your umbilical cord (btw, this is the most subtle fetal alcohol syndrome joke I will ever write)? I'm guessing business relationships over there require him to write that, because otherwise... wow.
Personally, I get the same feeling from the teaser as I do the poster: file this one under Garfield, Scooby Doo, Fat Albert, and the Darfur massacre.
Jul 5 2007 Alvin and the Chipmunks Poster
Alvin and the Chipmunks was never anything amazing, and even as a kid I never fully grasped why these giant, intelligent chipmunks were able to live in the human world fairly unnoticed outside of some relative fame as singers (rather than as the mutant freaks they were). However, I was fairly certain Hollywood was going to somehow take my mediocre memories of the series and destroy them yet again in their big screen, semi-live-action adaptation.
I couldn't have been more wrong! Look at this poster! They've cleverly made the chipmunks look like old school rappers! Just as Jason Lee implies with his expression and relative size, I want to eat these fellas up! I know what I'll be asking for come Christmas: tickets! (to this movie)