Oct 13 2009 Pun Deemed Best Title for Cruise/Diaz Movie
The Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz romantic-comedy-action film once titled Wichita, née Trouble Man, has a new title. Variety reports 20th Century Fox has decided that Knight & Day is an even better title than either of those previous, completely unrelated titles.
I'm just going to go out on a limb here and guess that the lead characters' names are something like Tom Knight and Cameron Day, and that they're also comically opposite in personality? Is that close? Did I just write a movie? I think I did.
Mar 26 2009 Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in: Undefined Romantic Comedy
The Vanilla Sky re-teaming you never asked for is here:
James Mangold is attached to direct the untitled romantic comedy formerly known as "Wichita" and "Trouble Man" at 20th Century Fox. It's eyed as a potential pairing of Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.Story revolves around a woman who has terrible luck with men but finds her path intertwined with that of a mysterious handsome man she meets on a blind date.
Chris Tucker and Eva Mendes were attached last year along with director Tom Dey, but that incarnation fizzled. The script was originated by Patrick O'Neill, and prior drafts have been done by Frank and Dana Fox, who wrote the Diaz starrer "What Happens in Vegas" for Fox.
"So, it's called Wichita. Or maybe Trouble Man. Both are equally applicable, even though the premise doesn't mention either Wichita or a trouble man. But there is a handsome man! You know, like a Tom Cruise type. Or Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker also would have worked as the mysterious, handsome man. Same archetype, Cruise and Tucker. Interchangeable."
You can tell a lot of thought has been put into this project.
Oct 31 2008 Final 'Valkyrie' Trailer Makes Hitler Assassination Fun
Here's the final trailer to Valkyrie, the Bryan Singer-directed, Tom Cruise-starring historical thriller about a German assassination plot against Hitler. The film looks well made, but I can't help but feel a lack of tension knowing that the plot fails (thanks for the spoilers, history). I hope, to keep things interesting, there's a second, "or what if THIS happened?" ending where we see the plan succeed and Hiter gets blown up. You know, just something tasteful, like the fuhrer sees the bomb and is like, "Ooooohhh shiiiiii--" and then you see an explosion as Tom Cruise rides up on a horse, Hitler's mustache floating gently in the sky (like that CGI feather in Forrest Gump), and Cruise says, "Let's get the heil outta here!"
Maybe for the DVD?
Continue Reading " Final 'Valkyrie' Trailer Makes Hitler Assassination Fun "
Sep 26 2008 'Valkyrie' Trailer is Good Enough to KILL HITLER
If you've been looking for a film full of Hiter killin', constant whispering, torturing mosquitos with cigarettes, and Tom Cruise's wild-(one)-eyed stares, Valkyrie is going to be your favorite. Check out the new trailer:
Continue Reading " 'Valkyrie' Trailer is Good Enough to KILL HITLER "
Sep 26 2008 'Valkyrie' Poster: Looks Like the New Season of 'Mad Men' Has Nazis
This is what you get when you MapQuest* "Tom Cruise, other stern men in suits."
*Never use Google Maps. You're always going to want that MapQuest.
Valkyrie Poster [IMPA]
Sep 4 2008 Tom Cruise Continuing Fun Role Streak with 'Shrek 4'?
Tom Cruise is rumored to be up for the villainous lead in Shr4k 4. See guys? You all thought Tom Cruise was a crazy, high-ranking member of a powerful cult capable of poisoning Katie Holmes both mentally and physically, but you sure were wrong. He's just a fun guy, who likes fun, and doing fun things, like fun bit parts in Tropic Thunder, and fun voices in Shrek. It's just like when everyone thought he was gay, and then, bam, next thing you knew he's having babies with a woman, proving people wrong again--almost as if his entire life is carefully orchestrated to keep him looking favorable in the public eye. But we all know Tom Cruise would never do something like that. He's just too much of a cool, laid-back, fun dude, who might be in S4rek.
Aug 12 2008 Jolie Replaces Cruise in 'Salt', Will Require Pronoun Overhaul
Hollywood is so progressive, man. Tom Cruise was going to star in this spy movie, but then Hollywood was all, "How about Angelina Jolie instead? Because gender does not matter, at least compared to how many adorable infants you've had on the cover of magazines, and Jolie's got that one in the bag." From Variety:
"Edwin A. Salt" is about to undergo a gender change.Once expected to star Tom Cruise, the Columbia Pictures espionage thriller will be redrafted by screenwriter Kurt Wimmer as a star vehicle for Angelina Jolie. Philip Noyce remains attached as director and Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Sunil Perkash are producing.
Jolie is close to a deal to play the title character, a CIA officer who's accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence.
Thank god someone has finally broken through the glass ceiling specific to the movie Edwin A. Salt, which will now presumably be renamed something with a woman's name.
Jul 22 2008 'Top Gun' Next in Unwanted Sequel Queue?
The '80s revival craze is in full swing, and Hollywood is strangling away the last of your once fond memories with the legs of your acid washed jeans. Harrison Ford got another turn at Indiana Jones; Stallone reminded us that Rocky and Rambo both were of interest at one time; but what about Tom Cruise? With no two-decade-old franchise roles, will he be the only big star left in the dark, to finally experience the blackness of the tomb where he keeps his bride? Of course not. They'll just make a Top Gun sequel:
A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.An insider said: "The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot."
Oh how the tables have turned, T.C.! Now you have to deal with a young female hotshot! It's like The Next Karate Kid, but more so! I just wonder how a female lead will affect all Top Gun's uncomfortably blatant gay undertones. But I guess Cruise has managed to maintain them through a marriage, so another two hours shouldn't be a problem.
Tom has a shot at a second Gun [The Sun] (Thanks, Adam)
Apr 1 2008 New Eye-Patched 'Valkyrie' Shots
Empire Magazine has some exclusive new shots from Valkyrie, Bryan Singer's mostly-true story of an assassination attempt against Hitler. In this shot, Tom Cruise (playing the depth-perceptionless Claus Von Stauffenberg) gets romantic with a certain criminal globetrotter (and occasional time traveler).
So do you think this minor disability will be enough to get Tom Cruise an Oscar nomination, or should have also had a peg leg or a lisp or something?
New Valkyrie Pictures [Empire]
Nov 8 2007 'Valkyrie' Trailer Showcases Smug Cruise
Man, I knew Tom Cruise had gotten pretty smug after acquiring a fake wife slave and a perfectly genetically-engineered infant, but I figured we'd hit a smugness plateau. It turns out, as the trailer for Valkyrie shows, it wasn't even close.
But what could possibly make Tom Cruise act more arrogant than sucking the soul from a promising young actress, breathing it into a fine porcelain doll, and parading around the results like a real family? Little more than a Nazi uniform, an eyepatch, and a sharply-parted and gelled perm.
Thankfully, such self-importance actually works for the role, in which Cruise plays a Nazi convinced he can take down Hitler and his regime with the help of Kenneth Branagh, Terence Stamp, Bill Nighy, and others that make Cruise look like the spring chicken he recalls in his daily viewings of Top Gun. Bryan Singer might have a winner on his hands.
Valkyrie Trailer [Yahoo!]
Nov 7 2007 'Valkyrie' Featurette Now High Quality
Astute readers, and those obsessed with Entertainment Tonight, may realize this featurette for Valkyrie was already released on ET and posted a month ago. But this new version has two distinct advantages:
First, it does not contain a preamble by Mary Hart or the ear-shattering theme music that announces to your neighbors the shame of you watching Entertainment Tonight.
Second, this version is much higher quality (even available on the fabled HD format!), allowing you to really make out the details of Tom Cruise as a happy pirate nazi, which will clearly be the next big internet meme once people get sick of robot zombie unicorns.
Valkyrie Featurette [Apple]
Oct 5 2007 'Valkyrie': Go Behind-the-Scenes with ET!
Can you believe Mary Hart is still on Entertainment Tonight? Or it's possible that she was enough of a historical figure on ET that an animatronic robot of her was erected, or that this is her ghost, still haunting the set. Either of those options seems more likely, actually, because she doesn't seem to have aged. And the only reviewer with worse taste in movies than my mom, Leonard Maltin? He's still there too. It seems only John Tesh had the necessary forehead mass to escape the near-unstoppable pull of Entertainment Tonight. Is it possible their life-long goal was anchoring a televised gossip rag with a blaring theme song?
Regardless, watch this behind-the-scenes feature for Bryan Singer's Valkyrie, with what ghost/robo Hart is calling "Tom Cruise's most controversial role yet" (She must be forgetting the role of heterosexual husband) as a German officer attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler. If I had to break my ten-year Entertainment Tonight fast, so should you.
Sep 5 2007 Full Cast of Valkyrie as Hitler-Killing Hopefuls
For those out of the know, Tom Cruise has recently taken some time away from ruining the life of his young bride to make a movie about a group of conspirators plotting to assassinate Hitler. These conspirators were particularly significant because they were comprised of German noblemen and officials, and their plans were more feasible than my android army idea. Above is the main cast, comprised of Cruise, Bill Nighy, Terence Stamp, Kenneth Branagh, and, seated at left, the German equivalent of Howie Mandel. To get the full effectiveness of the image, print and tape inside a bathroom stall.
Tom Cruise and his conspirators [Daily Mail]
Aug 20 2007 Eleven injured on set of Valykrie
Eleven extras were injured during the filming of Tom Cruise's new movie Valkyrie when they fell off the back of a truck. A bolt on the side panel of the truck apparently came loose as the vehicle turned, throwing the eleven extras off. I hear this is the second worst injury in Hollywood, right after the time Rosie O'Donnell tried to do jumping jacks while taping an episode of The View.
Aug 7 2007 Tom Cruise Taking Star Trek?
A trusted source of IGN has said J.J. Abrams is looking for an A-list star cameo in his Star Trek prequel, and is currently hoping to pull Tom Cruise in for the role of Captain Christopher Pike, Kirk's predecessor. I can't think of exactly how to word the hilarious connection between Star Trek and his goofy, space-based religion, so please do your best to come up with something. Bonus points for references to Oprah's couch, storing Katie Holmes in a pod, or Xenu.
Jul 19 2007 Tom Cruise is a Nazi, Homosexual
"Thetaaaaaaaaaan!!"
Okay, so mainly this is all just an excuse to repost this totally sweet picture of Tom Cruise and Col. Klink, but still. The first stills from Valkyrie have hit the web. You can tell Tom Cruise has really mastered the nazi art of leaning back on your heels and looking constipated.
In case you haven’t been reading (don’t act like you’ve got better things to do), Valkyrie is a song Wagner wrote about gay unicorns or some shit, and Valkyrie is the story of the German general who tried to assassinate Hitler, and marks the first re-teaming of director Bryan Singer and writer Chris McQuarrie since The Usual Suspects.
I’m not the biggest Cruise fan, but I’d sit through a two-hour Singer/McQuarrie movie about my own bowel movements. Then again, I’d probably sit through an Adam Shankman movie about my own bowel movements. What can I say, I’m fascinated by my own stool. Sue me.
Jul 3 2007 Germans Say 'Nein' to Cruise Once and For All
"Ve hate you, Tom Cruise." "Yah, like, stay avay from aur monuments."
After early reports that Cruise's alien worship were hindering Valkyrie's ability to get the necessary permits, and subsequent denials by German officials (apparently they're sensitive about the whole 'hating people for their religion' thing, go figure), the Finance Ministry has declined producers of the film permission to shoot at the Benderblock, a Defense Ministry building where German officer Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, played by Cruise in the film, was executed for attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler.
A Finance Ministry spokesman said the memorial, a "place of remembrance and mourning, would lose dignity if we were to exploit it as a film set." Another request to shoot at a Berlin police station was rejected after "intensive review," according to a spokesman for the Berlin police department. "The adverse impact to the facility would be so grave that the request had to be denied."
And by adverse reaction, he no doubt meant the evil spirits of dead aliens bent on the destruction of Scientology's new closeted-homosexual messiah. On the plus side, "Benderblock" totally reminds me of "Bend the Block", which in turn reminds me of this kickass commercial with a funny Asian guy.
Jul 2 2007 Lions for Lambs Teaser Trailer
Though Robert Redford's head is looking more and more like Robert Redford's hair wearing a Robert Redford mask made from an old baseball glove, he shows he's still got his directorial and acting chops hidden within in Lions for Lambs. Add Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep along with a timely political theme and you've got a film that's got Oscars circling it like the vultures that circle Robert Redford's aforementioned weathered head.
Watch the trailer here and wonder what the hell is with the soundtrack.
Jun 28 2007 Germans Deny Hatred of Scientology, Seem Less Cool
"Thetaaaaaaaaaan!!"
Despite previous reports that Germany had barred Valkyrie from shooting at government locations because of star Tom Cruise's outspoken beliefs in alien ghosts, German officials are now saying shooting was not banned at all. One of the locations houses part of the German defense ministry, and it was that, not thetans, that kept Valkyrie from getting permits.
If anything, it would be the lights and cables and camera teams that could disrupt work at the Defense Ministry, [German official]Kuehnau said, adding that if an arrangement is found where filming does not interfere with government business, a filming permit should be no problem.
Kuehnau added, "And anozza sing, zat whole 'holocaust' story vas vay, vay offablown."
Valkyrie, the story of Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, a national hero who was executed in 1944 for attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler, was written by Christopher McQuarrie and Nathan Alexander and will be directed by Bryan Singer. Bryan Singer, Chris McQuarrie, and Nazis? Shit, I'll see that even if mormons are in it.
Apr 18 2007 Kinsberg to Give Hardy Men Raging Clue
Simon Kinberg, the dude who wrote Mr. & Mrs. Smith, xXx 2 (nominated for the 2005 Teen Choice award for "Choice Rap Artist in a Movie"), and the third X-Men movie, has been hired to do a complete overhaul of the Hardy Men script, which will star Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller as the grown up Hardy boys.
I, for one, think this is a fantastic idea. In fact, I was just watching my xXx 2 Criterion Collection DVD the other day (as I'm wont to do), and I was thinking to myself, you know what the best part of this movie is? The writing. The dialogue is just top shelf, and the plot has more twists than an Anaconda! Which makes sense, because Ice Cube was in both Anaconda and xXx 2. X3 was also great. All through the first two movies I was thinking, "Enough of this Wolverine shit, I want to see the guy who lives in the woods and throws sticks."
Tom Cruise playing a Hardy Boy? There's a an easy gay joke here, but you know what? I've got too much class. And money. And rippling muscles.
Call me ladies.
