Mar 20 2008 Yet Another 'Get Smart' Poster
As the trend of the previous Get Smart posters forebode, the most recent incarnation appears to now be completely devoid of any comedy at all. Sure, the line "...and loving it" is a direct cribbing of one of Don Adams' famed catchphrases from the original 60's show, but when no one younger than an 80's Nickelodeon kid would get the reference, let alone find it funny, there may be a problem. And how can Steve Carell appear so unenthused as he holds the legendary shoe phone?! I begged my parents to order me one during every Nick-At-Nite commercial for it for years. What an ungrateful asshole.
Get Smart Poster [Internet Movie Poster Awards]
Jul 25 2007 Homer Does Monologue, Schneider Does Lohan
"What? No, I'm not making bad topical jokes about the astronaut from two months ago and catholic priests, I'm pretending to be Lindsay Lohan! Because she totally does that! Get it? I'm an actor."
It was brave of him to play Lindsay Lohan as a hacky, old school comic, not a lot of people would've take that risk. By the way, anyone else notice that even with platform shoes on, Schneider's still a head shorter than Jay Leno? Is he like 4' 11"?
Continue Reading " Homer Does Monologue, Schneider Does Lohan "
Jul 18 2007 TV Ratings Continue to Baffle Me
You just know that somewhere, a bar on the Jersey shore is missing a janitor and a best customer.
Last week, The Singing Bee, an NBC game show hosted by Joe Fat One, formerly of NSync, drew 13 million viewers.
According to long-suffering NBC, The Singing Bee was the highest-rated summer-series debut among young adults, aged 18-49, since the late Meet My Folks made a good first impression back in July 2002.
That's right, a show I hadn't even heard of until today was the most popular of its kind in FIVE YEARS. Oh, and it's another show about amateur singers.
I don't get it, are there parts of America that don't have karaoke bars? Because I'll you what, if I'm going to listen to the IHOP hostess sing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" I better be sitting in front of a Scotch the size of a punchbowl. Better yet, I'd like to star in my own reality show, called "Punch Bowl".
Jul 13 2007 Bill Engvall Helps TBS Stay A Crapfest
"Painfully obvious mundane observation, honey." "Yes, dear, quip stolen from Mary Tyler Moore that was snappy 30 years ago." [canned laughter]
Next week is an important time in my life. Besides my little sister's operation - don't ask, the little bitch hogs all the attention as it is - TBS will be premiering The Bill Engvall Show. That's right, the network that brought you America's Funniest Home Videos* reruns and edited movies with ridiculously dubbed profanities like "Yippie kai-yay, Mr. Falcon!" is now giving one of those lame-brained, milquetoast rednecks his own show.
This following their premiere of Tyler Perry's House of Payne, they might as well add NASCAR and rename it the Shit Vince Doesn't Get channel (SVDG). But it makes sense that they'd want to balance out a show that no white people watch with one no black people watch. It's nice to thumb my nose at things and still be able to feel colorblind.
Jun 14 2007 Triumph at the Tonys
Okay, so maybe this isn't technically "news", but Triumph makes my insides feel like a million baby polar bears. My liver, on the other hand, looks like a scrotum full of varicose veins. Someday you'll thank me for that visual.
May 23 2007 Sex and the City Movie, Says... Mario Cantone
The blonde chick just fisted a guy on this bed.
According to a super duper reliable source (Mario Cantone, who proved his versatility as an actor by playing a gay Italian guy), a Sex and the City Movie, is like, maybe happening, he hopes.
They've called me about my availability, yeah, but nothing's negotiated with myself. I don't know if any of the girls are negotiated. All I know is it better get done because I want to do it.
There you have it. Mario Cantone wants it to happen, so it probably will, right? Your batshit crazy neighbor chick sure hopes so. Beware of girls with an unhealthy obsession with that show. And girls with Adam's apples. Don't ask me how I know. God I need a shower.
The one positive thing I got out of Sex and the City was getting to say I told you so about the redhead chick being a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
May 16 2007 See This Clip of Cavemen Before it Goes Way of Dodo
The road to obscurity is sometimes long and filled with cowboy outfits.
Here's a clip of ABC's upcoming pilot, Cavemen. "I really like the Cavemen, I thought it was a great idea for a show," said a moron while high on drugs.
Yup, it's based on that Geico commercial. And no, they didn't get the original actor who was really the only good part of those commercials.
ABC says: "Meet Joel, his younger brother Jamie, and his best friend Nick, three cavemen living in modern-day Atlanta. These cavemen continually find themselves at odds with contemporary society as they struggle to overcome their physical appearance and the accompanying stereotypes."
I say: The cavemen should do battle with their arch nemesis, the Noid, who wears a red suit and serves sub-par pizza.
Once I saw a gay porno where the Maytag repairman cornholed the Pillsbury Doughboy while the Budweiser frogs wacked off.
That's right, ladies, I watch homosexual pornography. I'm just that comfortable with my sexuality.
May 9 2007 Nancy Grace Slithers off Into Sunset, CNN
Sorry about the picture. To our knowledge, she's never been photographed with her mouth closed.
Despite the ample wood I sported this morning and the satisfying bowel movement I just had, today is sad day. It's a sad day because Nancy Grace has decided to end her show on Court TV after 10 years. I've always said Nancy was a true CILCS*.
From now on, to get your daily fix of bile-spewing piles of rancid excrement you'll have to tune to The View, The O'Reilly Factor, Dr. Phil, C-Span, or reruns of Futurama (that's right, Frye, I'm calling you out, you orange-haired c*cksucker).
Or (sigh), Grace herself, still on CNN (double sigh).
Grace said she is leaving Court TV to focus on her legal analysis program, "Nancy Grace," on CNN Headline News and on her charitable endeavors.One only hopes one of her charitable endeavors will include jumping in a volcano.
Clips of Nancy Grace variously getting ripped on and obnoxiously bloviating, after the jump.
*C_nt I'd Like to Curb Stomp
Continue Reading " Nancy Grace Slithers off Into Sunset, CNN "
Mar 7 2007 Watch Andy Barker, P.I. Through Your Phone/Cable/DSL Line
NBC has posted six full episodes of Andy Richter's new midseason comedy entry, Andy Barker, P.I. Though I have yet to evaluate the series, I'm glad networks are finally starting to embrace the Internet has a way to popularize shows. Now you can even watch if you're one of those assholes who constantly tells people that "you don't own/watch television," even if no one asked. That's right, I know you. You're the same one who tells people you're vegetarian all the time. Hey, guess what? I didn't ask if you were vegetarian, I just asked if you wanted a hamburger, so enough with the preaching, man.
