Oct 14 2009 'Expendables' Trailer: I Refuse To Believe This Is Real
Nice try, Sylvester Stallone. I'm sure you'd like us all to believe this promotional trailer is for an actual movie that you're supposedly making. But I know a viral video that compiles every clichéd '80s action movie scene ever made into a fake trailer when I see one, and this has to be that:
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Jan 7 2009 Mickey Rourke and Every Other Action Star Considered 'Expendable'
It gets tedious covering every piece of casting news--there's only so much you can say when Kate Hudson joins another romantic comedy--and thus I often overlook it. Generally it isn't a big deal, but in the case of my ignoring casting on Sylvester Stallone's upcoming action/adventure, The Expendables, I admit I've made a mistake. He's been putting together a crew of classic action actors that rivals even when there were two Jean-Claude Van Dammes in Double Impact. Just look at this group:
Mickey Rourke has joined the ranks of "The Expendables," joining the ensemble of the Sylvester Stallone-directed action adventure for Nu Image/Millennium Films.Rourke will play an unscrupulous arms dealer who becomes the go-to guy for a group of mercenaries planning to topple a South American dictator.
Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture and Dolph Lungdren play the title characters. Forest Whitaker and Ben Kingsley are also circling the project.
So it's the most definitive bad-ass team you can imagine (minus Arnold, Seagal, and Van Damme, obviously), plus Ben Kingsley. It's like he's there to sanction all the murdering. It would just be senseless violence with that crew shoving their boots in people's brains, but if you've got Gandhi on the team, it must be for the greater good.
Mickey Rourke joins 'Expandables' [Variety]
Jun 23 2008 'The Mummy 3' Trailer, Sponsored by Papa Johns
If you've been to the Papa John's Pizza website in the last few days (I don't know how you wouldn't have been, but I'll indulge the faint possibility), you'll have noticed that the page has been updated with the trailer for The Mummy 3: All Wrapped Up in China. It's a perfect fit: Brendan Fraser and mummies in general are known for their insatiable love of pizza--coining such phrases as, "Cowabunga, it's pizza time!" and "I really love Papa John's pizza!"--making them obvious spokesmen for the company.
Anyway, the trailer is here. It contains many stupid things, most of them in the form of Xena-level CGI and forced jokes from the mouth of Brendan Fraser. I found myself mostly annoyed at the poor military leadership of the Dragon Emperor, having his undead legions fire arrows at the rival army of skeletons. Arrows against skeletons?! Good luck with that.
Mar 11 2008 'Forbidden Kingdom' Poster Pairs Two Legends
After what has seemed like a meaningless, empty eternity, one of the most long-awaited, highly-anticipated cinematic pairings in history is finally happening: Jackie Chan is starring alongside Adam Duritz's hair.
And here's the trailer from a few months back.
Dec 21 2007 'Forbidden Kingdom' Trailer Sort of Joins China's Biggest Action Stars
The Forbidden Kingdom has been being touted as this amazing, long-awaited team-up between Jet Li and Jackie Chan. So why, when I see the trailer, am I being completely underwhelmed by some dipshit LaBeouf impostor and his magical, Neverending Story-esque trip to fantasy China? Surely there must have been an easier way to explain these two Chinese action stars working together. Couldn't it just be like an Ocean's Whatever movie, but with Kung Fu stuff and harder to understand? Or Rush Hour, but with Jet Li? Or could we at least get them in the same shot?
If Aliens and Predators or Jason and Freddy can be thrown together with so little regard to logic, why not these two? It can't be the dire need to tell the The Monkey King legend again; if I've already seen four adaptations without even trying, there must be hundreds more in China.
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Nov 14 2007 'Mummy 3' Cursing Us With More Images
Filmz.ru has a bunch of new shots from The Mummy 3: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor for the fans of embalmed corpses/Brendan Fraser/Jet Li/masochism. As a warning, those who said a film couldn't be made using old costume pieces from Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes and Tyra Banks's hair extensions are in for a sad shock.
Mummy 3 Stills [Filmz.ru]
Oct 23 2007 First Shot of Jet Li in Mummy 3 is Astounding
When I heard Jet Li was going to have a role in the mummiest movie of the coming year, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, I couldn't wait to see what kind of villain the actor would portray.
Would he be a Wrath of Khan-style cunning mind bent on vengeance to Brendan Fraser's nearly-retarded adventurer Kirk? More of a sadistic madman Joker to Fraser's boobish Batman? A perfectly-matched foil, like Moriarty to an idiot Holmes?
Oh. It turns out he jumps around doing martial arts. I suppose that makes sense.
Jet Li in The Mummy 3 [Rob Cohen's Blog]
Aug 3 2007 Futuristic Snow White Sequel (with Shaolin Warriors!)
Hong Kong's Wen Wei Po newspaper has always stood for truth and integrity in journalism, but I'm finding it slightly difficult to believe the premise they're reporting of a new Snow White movie starring Natalie Portman and Jet Li. Aside from the fact is isn't being reported in the major trades, it's also a bat-shit crazy idea that gets crazier as it goes on:
It is set thousands of years after the original Snow White story, when the princess has reincarnated into a young woman, played by Natalie Portman.Her evil stepmother wants to collect the seven pieces of her magic mirror to resume her power.
The Shaolin temple in central China, which has been protecting the mirror for thousands of years, sends seven warriors, led by Jet Li, to protect the mirror and the young woman.
Can this possibly be real? If so, can there also be some kind of battle where the dwarfs mount talking dinosaurs to fight ninjas? It would make just as much sense and would be really awesome.
Jul 27 2007 'War' Clip
Lionsgate via comingsoon.net has this exclusive clip from War, the Jason Statham and Jet Li punch/kick/bang fest. Unfortunately, there aren't any martial arts in it, so it's basically a punch-free few minutes of bad acting. It's basically the action movie equivalent of watching a soft-core porn flick on USA.
Jul 10 2007 Jet Li and Jackie Chan to Do Chinese Things
An angry Lo Pan reeves my racist soul.
As my 7th grade teacher Mrs. Chang taught us, the Chinese are reknowned for their action films as well as their kung fu prowess, mathematics skills, and ineptitude behind the wheel. That's why it's so nice to hear that Jet Li and Jackie Chan, those two Chinese tiger-dragons of action cinema, are teaming up for Forbidden Kingdom.
In this re-telling, an American teenager (Michael Angarano) discovers a staff which transports him to ancient China where he joins in a quest to return the staff to the Monkey King. Jet Li plays the dual role of the Monkey King and Silent Monk while Jackie Chan will play a kung fu master named Lu Yan.
This should be good, because Chris Tucker isn't in it, and any Chinese actor in Hollywood, pretty much the first thing you learn is how to play is a monk or kung fu master. There are only two things that I can think of that would make this movie better:
1. Lo Pan
2. The American teenager should always be addressed as "Young Round-Eye"
