Oct 14 2009 'Expendables' Trailer: I Refuse To Believe This Is Real

Nice try, Sylvester Stallone. I'm sure you'd like us all to believe this promotional trailer is for an actual movie that you're supposedly making. But I know a viral video that compiles every clichéd '80s action movie scene ever made into a fake trailer when I see one, and this has to be that:

Continue Reading " 'Expendables' Trailer: I Refuse To Believe This Is Real "

Mar 23 2009 'Crank 2' Has a See You Next Tuesday Labeling Utility

Been looking for a way to add a single insulting word to photographs but can't be bothered to open Photoshop, Paint, Word, or any other program that's able to easily accomplish this task? Then doyouthinkivegotcuntwrittenonmyforehead.com is just what you've been looking for, because that is the only thing it does. It's all part of Crank 2's esoteric viral marketing efforts to make a reference to one moment in the first film.

Thus far in the user gallery, someone has made the obvious but undeniable connection between the big C word and George W. Bush, while someone else uploaded the face of Bob the Builder and brilliantly labeled him "bob". Can you do better?

Mar 19 2009 'Crank' Poster Ideal for Twittering

Lionsgate is doing Twitter now--Twittering is super cool--and they've Twittered up this outdoor art for Crank: High Voltage. Striking yellow screams, "Hey, look, yellow!" while black splatter mutters, "Sometimes Jason Statham's elbows erupt ink." This is bound to be the talk of your local bus shelter.

Feb 24 2009 New 'Crank 2' Trailer Seems Feasible Except This One Thing

Here's a new preview for Crank: High Voltage, which sees Jason Statham running around electrocuting himself to keep his cyborg heart charged while simultaneously hunting down whoever has his usual heart. Strangely, the part of the trailer I have the hardest time believing is where our hero uses an iPhone. The kind of guy who kills a ton of guys, has sex in public, and grabs live transformers isn't the type to gently tap the touchscreen of an iPhone. He should make calls on a steak.

Continue Reading " New 'Crank 2' Trailer Seems Feasible Except This One Thing "

Feb 10 2009 'Crank 2' Poster is Attached to a Car Battery

This might be the best ever explanation for a dead character's revival. "He got better. Don't worry about it. Not your issue. Electricity and exposing a nipple were involved, but that's all you need to know." The only thing that might be better is, "We decided we could make more money by stretching this protagonist into another movie, so he's alive again. With electricity."

Jan 14 2009 'Crank 2: High Voltage' Poster Promotes Cutting, Self-Electrocution

I'll give it to you Crank 2--pretty good both referencing the original poster and creating a loose rebus of the film's title. Thank god someone is filling the gaping rebus hole left by the cancellations of Classic Concentration and Think Fast.

Crank 2: High Voltage Poster [IMPA]

Jan 7 2009 Mickey Rourke and Every Other Action Star Considered 'Expendable'

It gets tedious covering every piece of casting news--there's only so much you can say when Kate Hudson joins another romantic comedy--and thus I often overlook it. Generally it isn't a big deal, but in the case of my ignoring casting on Sylvester Stallone's upcoming action/adventure, The Expendables, I admit I've made a mistake. He's been putting together a crew of classic action actors that rivals even when there were two Jean-Claude Van Dammes in Double Impact. Just look at this group:

Mickey Rourke has joined the ranks of "The Expendables," joining the ensemble of the Sylvester Stallone-directed action adventure for Nu Image/Millennium Films.

Rourke will play an unscrupulous arms dealer who becomes the go-to guy for a group of mercenaries planning to topple a South American dictator.

Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture and Dolph Lungdren play the title characters. Forest Whitaker and Ben Kingsley are also circling the project.

So it's the most definitive bad-ass team you can imagine (minus Arnold, Seagal, and Van Damme, obviously), plus Ben Kingsley. It's like he's there to sanction all the murdering. It would just be senseless violence with that crew shoving their boots in people's brains, but if you've got Gandhi on the team, it must be for the greater good.

Mickey Rourke joins 'Expandables' [Variety]

Sep 2 2008 'Transporter 3' Poster Has These Awesome Blue Flames, Which Are Like the Best Flame Type

In a move to appeal to a geekier fan-base usually not reached by Jason Statham-driving-cars genre, the latest Transporter finds its title star delivering this really sexy PVC anime figurine.

Transporter 3 Poster [IMPA]

Aug 28 2008 New Shots of Jason Statham in Things: a Quiz

Jason Statham plays a tough, balding guy in several upcoming movie sequels. Looking at the following promotional photos, can you guess which still comes from which coming attraction?

Continue Reading " New Shots of Jason Statham in Things: a Quiz "

Aug 20 2008 'Transporting Man 3' Poster Arrives in Another Language (One Where 'Le' is a Word)

No need to blatantly state the title on the poster. That fiery typeface and throbbing temple vein are all we need to know this man definitely moves goods and/or people from one location to another.

Transporter 3 Poster [Trailer Addict]

Aug 15 2008 R-Rated 'Death Race' Trailer Has Effs, CS'ers, Blood

My favorite part is when Ian McShane says, "This should be interesting." Because, no it shouldn't.

Continue Reading " R-Rated 'Death Race' Trailer Has Effs, CS'ers, Blood "

Jul 25 2008 'Death Race' Poster (Possible Spoiler???)

"Hey, Statham, Hot Girl, get off the track! Some of us are trying to have a DEATH RACE here!"

"Yeee," mutters Jason Statham, tugging sheepishly at his collar.

And that's how Death Race ends.

Death Race Poster [Trailer Addict]

Jul 23 2008 'Crank 2' Will Have Giant Foam Statham Caricature

The LA Times has posted a series of on-set shots from Crank: High Voltage. From the looks of it, part of the film involves a massive caricature of Jason Statham's head. That's the only way to really "crank" things up enough to call them "high voltage," really--by including caricatures. That's why whenever I'm going to Times Square I'll just say, "I'm Hittin' up High Voltage," and whoever is around me will nod and say, "He must mean Time Square, with its many caricature artists, because only caricatures can 'crank' up a location enough to call it 'High Voltage.'"

UPDATE: A friend just pointed out the disturbing similarity between this and that horrifying Genesis music video.

Jun 26 2008 'Death Race' Poster -- Hey, That Notably Dour Woman is in This?!

Do you think Joan Allen had a deal in her contract that her face would be presented larger than the hot girl, just because she's a known and respected actress and the hot girl is only known as "the hot girl"? Because I can pretty much guarantee you that anyone looking to see a film about prisoners racing and trying to murder each other in armed cars is going to be more interested in the prospect of youthful cleavage than in the stern grimace of Joan Allen. Sorry, Joan. At least Statham has a goatee with surrounding facial hair overcoming it--that's exactly the facial hair I'd expect a NASCAR-racing prisoner to have.

The Death Race Poster [Shock Till You Drop]

Jun 17 2008 'Death Race' Trailer: What You'd Expect and More!

The trailer for Paul W.S. Anderson's Death Race remake has been out for several days, yet somehow I missed/subconsciously avoided the emails notifying me of it until now. So, I just watched it, and it was basically exactly what anyone would expect from a famously-awful director's remake of Death Race 2000--except for the following items, which I found much stupider than human logic would allow:

- The line, "The rules are simple: there are no rules." Even if the challenge were to write a script composed entirely of clichés, it would still be unacceptably cliché to include that line.

- The part where the cops come in to arrest a framed Jason Statham, and the guy who framed him sticks around, staying within sight of the arrest, so that he can alert us and Jason to the fact that he's falsely incriminating him. Was Anderson worried all the painful exposition that deliberately explains the framing wouldn't be enough?

- The introduction of the hot babe element. I knew from previous photos there was at least one cutie, but I never imagined her arrival being so absurd. The women's prison is composed entirely of potential FHM models? They're allowed to be navigators on the Death Race? The male inmates, who already face enough sexual frustration to violently rape each other (so Oz and prison jokes tell me), don't immediately "R" them? Jeez.

- You'd think the revelation that one of the rival racers is the guy the warden paid to kill Jason Statham's wife would be a dramatic plot point to save for the full movie experience. Not the case! It's all spelled out right here.

- Guns N' Roses? Fine.

- I'll obviously never pay to see this, but I'm surprisingly excited about the prospect of catching a highly-edited version on basic cable at two in the morning.

Continue Reading " 'Death Race' Trailer: What You'd Expect and More! "

Jun 10 2008 'Transporter 3': French Trailer, English Ass Kicking

Don't you hate it when someone attaches a special band to your arm that will blow up if you remove it? So does the Transporter--that's why he's going to kick some ass! Though it is hard to believe, as faithful tipster Kyle rightfully pointed out, they'd reduce our transporting hero down to bicycle riding. Is Jason Statham jumping on the "green" bandwagon?

Continue Reading " 'Transporter 3': French Trailer, English Ass Kicking "

Jun 3 2008 'Death Race' Photos (Cars with Guns on Them, Plus Hot Woman and Jason Statham)

/Film has a set of 17 new photos from Paul W.S. Anderson's remake of Death Race. Or it may be the new Gone in 60 Seconds 2028. Or The Fast and the Post-Apocalyptic. It doesn't matter, really, because give or take a Diesel or a Cage, we're talking about the exact same awful film.

May 28 2008 'Death Race' Cars Have Flamethrowers and Guns and Whatnot

Paul W.S. Anderson has made a name for himself directing impossibly bad movies like Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, and Alien vs. Predator. J.F. Lawton has made his mark by writing such awfulness as Dead or Alive, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, and 88 episodes of Pamela Anderson's V.I.P. What happens when these two initialed superpowers join forces? We get Death Race, an ill-conceived remake of the 1975 Sylvester Stallone cult classic Death Race 2000! Our first peek at this can't-miss hit came in the form of Jason Statham's head photoshopped into a car; now we get a picture of some cars with flamethrowers. By South African standards, this is totally lame. By any standards, actually.

The Big Badass Battles of 'Death Race' [First Showing]

Jan 15 2008 'Bank Job' Trailer is Best Mash-Up Since 'The Shining'

Watching the trailer to The Bank Job, it becomes hard to judge the actual content because it's trying so hard to convince you it's a British Ocean's movie. The jarring, overwhelming volume of the soundtrack over what is mostly exposition gives you the sense that someone remixed this for YouTube, changing a serious Jason Statham action movie into a mad-cap comedy heist. The previous (British?) trailer not only makes the film look more enjoyable, it makes it look real, which is arguably more important if you're hoping for an audience.

Thanks for the tip, Kyle.

The Bank Job Trailer [Yahoo!]

Jan 14 2008 AM Poster Post: 'The Bank Job'

The first poster in years to marry a grainy, '70s aesthetic with the sad look of a pet overheating in a car.

'The Bank Job' Poster Premiere [Cinematical]