Nov 11 2009 Have You Seen These New Brett Ratner Movies?

There are so many good ones coming out.

Well done, Photoshopper. It's clear that more detail and craft are put into each of these than any of Brett Ratner's actual films (except possibly Money Talks).

(Thanks for tipstering, Matt.)

Jul 28 2009 'New York, I Love You' Poster: Why So Woebegone, Statue of Liberty?

Oh, because Rush Hour and X-Men 3 director Brett Ratner was one of the directors commissioned to create an ode to your beloved city? I guess that is a pretty legitimate reason to be miserable.

Incidentally, those interested can see this poster in person on the sidewall of any number of New York pizza places (though the title will be omitted, the heart will be colored with the pattern of the American flag, and it will probably be airbrushed).

'New York, I Love you' Poster [IMPA]

Feb 9 2009 'Youngblood' and Brett Ratner: A Horrible but Appropriate Match

Hack director Brett Ratner has plans to direct hack comic book-maker Rob Liefeld's Youngblood, the Image comic known for its ridiculous musculature, excessive line work, scrunched angry faces, enormous guns, generally poor writing, and thousands and thousands of miniature pockets. In 1992, this would almost be worth worrying about:

The Indian media conglom has acquired Rob Liefeld’s iconic graphic novel “Youngblood” for Brett Ratner to direct.

The company paid mid six figures for the rights to “Youngblood,” about a superhero team sanctioned and overseen by the U.S. government.

“Most of the great graphic novels are gone, and ‘Youngblood’ is one of the few comicbooks left with tentpole potential,” Ratner told Daily Variety. “It was a real personal passion project for me, and a lot of people wanted (‘Youngblood’), but the amazing thing about the guys at Reliance is the speed with which they’re able to move.”

My biggest question is how Ratner will manage to get Brian Thomopson to play every character.

Brett Ratner boards 'Youngblood' [Variety]

Oct 17 2008 Ratner (Mostly) Officially Directing Conan

It's sort of official: the rumor that Brett Ratner is directing the new Conan film is true. AICN reports:

Let’s be clear... stop calling [Conan] a remake. They’re not doing the Milius film. They’re starting over from the original stories. So it’s relly wrong to call this thing a remake at all. You won’t be seeing the same story or even the same supporting characters. This is ground zero.

And now it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing the goddamn thing.

Oh, brother. Alright, Brett, do your worst. And I mean that. Seriously, do your worst. Making a non-laughable movie about a fictional barbarian would already be a chore for most directors. There's no way you of all people can do it, so really, just make it terrible. Make this the watch ironically while drunk movie of the year. I want joke about name pronunciation ("It's ConAn, not ConIn!"); I want pop culture references ("What do I look like, a talk show host?"); I want exasperated looks at the camera (Conan looking at camera and shrugging); and I want to hear this exchange: "You da man!" "No, I'm the CO-man," says Conan, lowering his sunglasses.

If that rumor about an American Gladiator being up for the lead is true, you're already off to a good start.

Oct 1 2008 Brett Ratner Finally Getting His Video Game Movie?

I hope no one is at all protective or in any way concerned about the video game God of War, because it's probably about to become a film from the sweaty freak known as Brett Ratner. From UGO:

We caught up with him recently and confirmed either your greatest dream or biggest fear: Brett Ratner is indeed making a movie based on the video game series, God of War. Honestly, I love the Kratos games, however, they aren’t exactly the deepest when it comes to story, so he might just be the right person to handle the film adaptation.

Is there really someone in Hollywood who doesn't realize we've already solved the equation Successful Video Game + Terrible Director = X?

(X = negative )

Sep 24 2008 Brett Ratner Wants Storm and Joker Movies So Bad

Brett Ratner, the man who directed X-Men 3 and is currently pleading with Activision to make a Guitar Hero film, has some bang-up new ideas for superhero movies. In short, he thinks they should be diluted with more spin-offs, and that he probably should have directed the Batman films:

“As a kid, Batman was my thing,” Ratner said. “I’m a little jealous that I didn’t get to direct it, although Nolan did a great job. But there are so many characters in the Batman series, so many characters that I love, that the opportunities for spin-offs are endless.”

Ratner thinks that the first one should be a film just about the Joker, exploring his (possible) origin as the Red Hood.

“Heath was great,” Ratner said. “But the Joker is a great villain. That’s why Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger had so much to work with. And I think there will be another actor who can interpret that. It would be great to see [Robert] Downey [Jr.] as the Joker, for instance.”

Ratner doesn’t want to stop there. If the opportunities for spin-offs in the Batman universe are endless, what about the rest of comic-book-dom? For the “X-Men,” for instance, Ratner is excited about the upcoming Wolverine spin-off, but he thinks one is warranted for Halle Berry’s character, Storm, as well. “That would be great,” he said. “That would be really cool.”

Yes, B-Rat, there should be more Batman spin-offs and more Halle Berry-based spin-offs. Watch Catwoman and say that again.

Should There Be A ‘Joker’ Spin-Off Film? Brett Ratner Thinks So [MTV]

Sep 18 2008 Someone Letting Brett Ratner Direct 'Conan'?

Brett Ratner, who's been busy keeping himself relevant with non-stop talk of a Guitar Hero movie, has reportedly been offered a Conan movie. From Dread Central:

We got word today that Nu Image is offering the long-awaited new Conan movie to, of all people, Brett Ratner. Over the years there have been so directors circling this project, everyone from Robert Rodriguez to Rob Zombie, the fact that Brett Ratner might actually attach himself to this and make it a reality is almost enough to make one wish they’d just stop trying to bring Robert E. Howard’s creation back to the big screen.

Hey, Bret Ratner, are you thinking what I'm thinking? That Conan gets mystically teleported to modern day New York City, where he competes in a Guitar Hero tournament, and the tagline is "He's a real barbarian on the axe"? I worry you are.

Sep 9 2008 Don't Buy 'Guitar Hero', So That Brett Ratner Can Make a Movie About It

At the VMAs this weekend, Defamer spoke to an uncomfortably greasy Brett Ratner about his idea for a Guitar Hero movie. He had this to say about the likelihood of it getting made:

As long as it's really successful, they'll never let me do it. But I think if it starts going down and nobody starts buying Guitar Heroes, maybe, to revitalize it, they'll let me make the movie.

Good idea, Brett. Make a movie about a Guitar Hero tournament once the game is unpopular. And The Wizard really should have come out a few years after Super Mario Bros. 3, when it was no longer that big of a deal but still not old enough to be nostalgic. That would have been really good.

But really, if anyone could revitalize fading popularity with a movie, it probably would be Brett Ratner. Just look at Rush Hour. Five to six or seven o'clock is such a hot time now.

To Make the 'Guitar Hero' Movie, Brett Ratner Needs You To Stop Buying the Game [Defamer]

Aug 29 2008 Brett Ratner Wants to Make a 'Guitar Hero' Version of 'The Wizard'

Brett Ratner told an MTV reporter that he wants to make Guitar Hero more than a way to annoy your neighbors with constant screaming and pounding. Specifically, he'd like to make it a movie:

I love ‘Guitar Hero’ and I think it’s a part of pop culture. I would love to do a ‘Guitar Hero’ movie, if Activision would ever let me. I’m trying to convince them, but why would you have a movie screw up such a huge franchise? Not that I would make a bad movie. So that would be cool, to do a ‘Guitar Hero’ movie.

No, you would make a bad movie, and it wouldn't be cool. Ratner also has a plot in mind:

It could be about a kid from a small town who dreams of being a rock star and he wins the ‘Guitar Hero’ competition. One of these dreams-[come-true] kind of concepts.

Wow, that's a really good premise, Brett. So simple and elegant. Who wouldn't love to see a movie about a kid playing a video game? In fact, it's such a good idea, I couldn't help but ask the director if he had any other brilliant ways to convert other difficult-to-adapt video games into successful films. In an IWS exclusive, here's Ratner's response:

Continue Reading " Brett Ratner Wants to Make a 'Guitar Hero' Version of 'The Wizard' "

May 30 2008 Reinhold the Phone! Another 'Beverly Hills' Cop!?

Eddie Murphy isn't about to let Harrison Ford and Sylvester Stallone have all the fun in reviving their old roles and publicly strangling the life out of them. According to Variety, he's attached to again star as Axel Foley in a fourth Beverly Hills Cop! And Brett Ratner, of such eye-rolling sequels as Rush Hour 3 and X-Men 3, is probably directing!

Eddie Murphy is attached to reprise his role as Detroit detective Axel Foley, and Brett Ratner is negotiating to direct.

Lorenzo di Bonaventura will produce. Jerry Bruckheimer, who produced the original "Beverly Hills Cop" trilogy with late partner Don Simpson, won't be actively involved in the new film.

If I cared at all about whatever remaining credibility the Beverly Hills Cops series has, I would be so pissed right now. As it stands, I'm mostly just curious why Ratner isn't remaking it from scratch with Chris Tucker. Since Judge Reinhold's name isn't mentioned, I'm already assuming Murphy will be doing that role in white-face, as well as the role of Mini-Axel (an even edgier, smaller than normal Axel, thanks to computers) and Axel's visiting cousin, Norbit Foley.

Eddie Murphy back in 'Beverly Hills' [Variety]

Oct 29 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...

- David Dobkin, director of The Wedding Crashers and Fred Claus announced he's taken over the reigns of the Flash movie hoped to spin-off from Justice League of America. To those worried his involvement means it will be a comedy, he offered up the film's melancholy tagline, "You can't outrun yourself," indicating it will instead be a laughable melodrama. [MTV]

- On that note, Greg Berlanti is lined up to direct the Green Lantern movie, pitting the Lantern in a tough race against The Flash for critical and commercial failure. [Variety]

- Cuba Gooding Jr. has joined John Carter's action thriller The Way of War, with executive producer Nick Thurlow adding, "With his intensity and ability to take a character to the edge, the part is tailor-made for Cuba." Is that assessment based on Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, or Daddy Day Camp? [Variety Hollywood Reporter]

- Mark Ruffalo, Ethan Hawke, and Amanda Peet will star in Brian Goodman's autobiographical crime drama Real Men Cry. Telling a true-to-life Boston crime saga, it will be the 50th film of the year to do so. [Hollywood Reporter]

Oct 16 2007 Lindsay Lohan Would Be Good Playboy Bunny

Since Brett Ratner announced he was making Rush Hour 4 in the form of a Hugh Hefner biopic, gossip has been swirling about who will play the speaking-part Playboy Bunnies. (It's obvious from The Girls Next Door that they can barely play their constructed existences in real life, let alone a film.)

Finally, has B.R. given us the first hint of who we could see objectified. Responding to E!'s in-depth, alliterative question of "whether or not the rehabbed hottie could hack it," he said...

She's very talented...if she's sober. She would be great as a Playboy Bunny.

Whether he meant Playboy Bunny in the movie or as an alternative to getting sober wasn't clear. But on that subject, here are some other, similar good potential roles for Lindsay Lohan:

- Stripper (done!)
- General Slut
- Attention whore
- Drug addict
- Anthropomorphic crashing plane, spiraling to the earth in the showiest way possible
- Defendant in a Law & Order case clearly based on Lindsay Lohan
- Any combination of the above

Struts 'n' Such [E!]

Oct 4 2007 Some Other Crap That Happened...

- ABC has contracted Veronica Mars writer (not Matchbox 20 moron) Rob Thomas to resurrect the short-lived sitcom Cupid. With Entourage and male-pattern baldness in full swing, Jeremy Piven won't be reprising his role, meaning it will make even less sense that I still refer to him as "Cupid." [Variety]

- Eddie Murphy and director Brian Robbins (AKA tough guy from Head of the Class) are planning to team up for A Thousand Words, about a man who only has 1,000 words left to speak before he dies. The two previously teamed up for Norbit, making it apparent Robbins and Murphy are angels of a wrathful god punishing us for our sins. [Variety]

- Vin Diesel as the Terminator? Sure. Why the f*** not. [AICN]

- Rush Hour director Brett Ratner is taking over as director on the Escape from New York remake. Do you hear the words comin' out of my mouth? They're sorrowful. [IESB]

Jul 20 2007 Gavin Hood to Direct Wolverine

Gavin had mixed feelings; he'd never before won an award and passed a kidney stone on the same day.

Gavin Hood has been announced as the director of Wolverine, the X-Men spinoff starring Hugh Jackman. Hood is a dirty South African best known for writing and directing Tsotsi. I haven't seen Tsotsi, so I can't really speak to his competence as a director, but I do know that Afrikaans sounds really silly.

X-Men 3 director Brett Ratner was originally attached to the project, but split with producers after insisting Wolverine be played by Chris Tucker. I also saw him kick a pigeon once. True story.

Source

Jul 17 2007 DiCaprio to Maybe Play Hefner

You, with the boobs, my room, 10 minutes.

According to the Guardian, Leonardo DiCaprio is in talks to play Hugh Hefner in the upcoming biopic. The British are about as well known for responsible journalism as they are for world-class dentistry, and "in talks" is pretty vague as it is anyway, so who knows.

I would've liked to see Aaron Eckhart, because he has the whole ridiculously cleft chin thing down and you can't teach that in acting school. But either way it's probably going to suck because that chubby douche Brett Ratner is directing it. In other news, I will continue to not wear pants.

Jun 29 2007 Rush Hour 3 Poster - Same Shit, Different Place

Well, the Rush Hour 3 poster is out, and it's about as underwhelming as I imagine the movie to be. "This summer, they're kicking it in Paris." Yeah, that about sums it up. Same ingredients, same mediocre movie, except this time Brett Ratner gets to waddle his pudgy ass around gay Parie. It's where he belongs, he loves cheese.

Jun 5 2007 On the Lot: LaBeouf and Bay Judge Ratner Style

Yes. Yes I would rather look at this stupid ass picture of Megatron than at Michael Bay's face.

Following in the footsteps of episode one judge Brett Ratner, Michael Bay and Shia LaBeouf will be guest judges on On the Lot to promote Transformers.

That's right folks, the guy who directed Money Talks and the guy who directed Pearl Harbor are judging filmmakers. Apparently Paula Abdul was busy?

I can totally see Brett Ratner giving advice to young filmmakers,"Look dawg, if the scene's falling a little flat, just have Chris Tucker scream something urban."

Source